REALLY struggling

Hi

I've been trying to read along but I am useless when it comes to offering support right now, and I'm sorry.

I am REALLY struggling with what happened with my T. I have more information than I had before and it is so so so so clear now that he terminated me because of lies someone else was telling about me. T believes *I* was the person who was lying.

I can not even begin to tell you how painful it is. I cry ALL the time.

We had such a long relationship.

I. never. lied. Not once. I was so honest.

He told me to keep fighting (why?) and I did finally send him one last e-mail on Thursday with all of this evidence and asked him to reply when he read it and he didn't reply. I guess he's not going to.

He asked when I left for me to leave my things on his desk, because the connection was "real" and the work we did was "good" and he wanted those reminders of me. Last night I had insomnia and I realized...**** that. He wants those reminders of a relationship that he ruined so he can feel better about what happened....like, well the end sucked, but the rest was okay.

The end ruined the rest of it.

I still hold the good lessons I learned in therapy - I can connect with other people now, and feel my feelings, and that is huge, but that came from inside me, from the work I did.

Our connection was fake and T just threw it away.

I am going to ask him to take everything off of his desk - even one item he asked me if he could please keep if I took everything else away at my last session - and put it by the back door for me. And I am bringing everything of his - every symbolic trinket he gave me, every note he wrote me - and leaving it by his back door for him. We did good, hard work at the end on an ongoing letter to my little part and I am going to shred it and leave the shredded paper for him. I want so badly for him to hurt as much as I do.

It's HONESTLY like a nightmare. I never thought my therapy would end like this. I thought T and I would be connected forever. He just threw me away based on someone else's lies. Lies that are SO OBVIOUS. Now that I've started opening up to friends, and a lawyer, and I've shown them the "evidence" they are blown away that this played out the way it did. It's SO OBVIOUS.

When I was little and I was abused I thought it was love. It was really hard for me to integrate and accept the fact that it was SO not anything even close to love. I wonder if this is like that with T. What happened is so bad and unbelievable that he just can't let himself believe it. And the easiest thing to do is just send me away and pretend it didn't happen.

My heart is broken. I feel like I will be sad forever, and I hate it because there are so many good things in my life. This just hurt so deeply, on so many levels. I'm worried I won't be okay. And of course, the person who supported me for all of these years is GONE. I feel so alone and lost.

I am really really sad.

Since you mention a lawyer, you are following through on this? The whole three-part element of a therapist involved in therapy with two separate yet connected patients seemed ethical a violation to begin with. I think your T's licensing board needs to be involved at this point.
roadie

Right now, I have a lawyer in case I need him for my own protection. That's all.

This person is clearly out to get me, and I don't know what she'll do.

When I hear things like this it scares me because my T and I have such a great relationship and to think that it might end in such a horrible way is scary to even think about.
I am sorry you are hurting. This seems like such a nightmare.

I am so sorry you're hurting so badly...and I'd imagine that words can't even begin to help with this pain.

My wish is that you would express all of this to T so that you can have some real closure. You deserve that.

(( HUGS ))

I can't. We're done. He terminated me.

i'm sorry night .i know it isn't what you want to hear but maybe try and fnd a T to help you with this

ACK! I feel frantic for you, wishing I could do something to fix it or make it better. I care about your well being and am SO angry for you that this happened.

In trying to work towards gaining closure with abusers who are unreachable or have passed on, my T encourages me to do empty chair work or something similar to help release those emotions.

I'm hopeful that you'll be able to work through the stages of pain towards healing. ((( HUGS )))

I am so sorry this happened. That sounds awful.

This man. He makes me want to throw things.

I think this is probably at the very heart of things:
I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I wish there was a way to make it easier, less sad, less horrifying.

I wouldn't go so far as to say your connection was fake, because there had to be something there to help you get to where you are now. But I hear what you're saying. He certainly did any connection you had a complete injustice, and let it come second to his own self-preservation mechanisms. He should really see a therapist about that .

I also understand wanting him to hurt as much as you do. I can see the benefit in getting your stuff back and giving his back, but please don't do anything you think even a little bit that you might regret later, like shredding that letter. If you're sure you won't, shred away. But unfortunately, you cannot *make* him hurt. I imagine somewhere inside he does hurt. Unless he's a psychopath, it's usually hurt that drives people to behave so horribly.

I wrote a lot of long, angry letters to my T when we had terminated. In one of them I told him about all the horrible things I wanted to happen to him. I'm glad I never gave it to him, because I'd have regretted it. But just saying, I definitely get wanting him to feel the pain you are feeling, because it's so unfair that you have to endure it alone.

Well, alone in that you're the only one feeling it at full force. We're always here for you

This man (your T) was very unethical and it angers me that so many ts destroy patients and healing relationships by letting their feelings get in the way or worse still letting what somebody else tells them about you influence them. I am really surpirsed he listened to this other person because as a t they are supposed to make their own judgements and not be influenced by others.
Like Sally said, I suspect he is feeling guilty because he knows he has behaved badly and unethically. Have you considered reporting him? It might not be something you are interested in but it might help you or somebody else from being hurt. I hope you can look at this as a lucky escape from him although it hurts now.

Sending you very big hugs. I can not tell you how much seeing you suffer through all this just breaks my heart. I know how close you were in the good times. In fact, I feel like a real boob now because I know I helped encourage you to stick through things and being honest with T. OMG. If I had known how it all turned out, I would have told you to run for the hills.
Sending you tons of safe hugs!

It's hard to see that there will be important growth and gain from this experience....there just has to be. (( HUGS ))

Sending lots of hugs Nightsky...

I hope you will find another therapist to talk this over with... IMO I'd go with a woman...

I know you are in pain... but IMO asking for your stuff and giving back his will not make the pain less... just keep them of symbols of where you have been and how far you have come...

Sorry you are hurting so badly.

I agree with readytostop-- about going to see a woman.

fins

I'm so sorry for all you've gone through. It's too much like the past in some ways. This ending would shatter anyone who had had such an important relationship with their T, I think. No matter how good the lessons learned, to end such a precious relationship in this way is the most hideous thing.

I know how much T meant to you, and how much you always seemed to mean to him too, so this is really incomprehensible. It sounds like you fought for what was right for a very long time and it's ridiculous that you weren't believed. Someone obviously has major problems beyond what T has realised if it's gone on for this long and been taken this far. It should never have ruined your therapy and impacted your life in this way. Never.

I wonder if T is in shock if the evidence you shared with him is really clear and it's the first time he's seen it in quite that way. I know you can't just suddenly stop being sad about the ending and the fact that you were once so secure in the relationship that is now lost, but it doesn't sound like T is capable of coming through for you in any way right now.

I really think you need to discuss this with another really good T. I really think you need to be heard. If you can't stand the idea of the whole beginning again thing, after all this, how about a limited number of sessions with just the aim of saying it all and being validated and heard and understood? All the things you've fought so hard for.

I feel very angry, sad, upset, and frustrated that it's gone down like this. It is beyond unfair. It's been quite cruel. But we do hear you here. I think you can get through this! It is a nightmare but you're going to get through it, one day at a time.

I'm so sorry that you're so sad.

i disagree that your therapist was unethical. i think he acted as ethically as possible given the circumstances, and just responded to the situation with fear. if anything, i think he's guilty of coping out because he was afraid of getting into some kind of situation where he'd get in trouble. so he (unfortunately) erred on the side of caution, and terminated you.

i actually think you should take legal action against her. i think she has definitely slandered you, as well as caused you a tremendous amount of pain and suffering. a court case that revels all of this and decides in your favor is not only going to put her behavior to an end, it's probably the only thing that's going to convince your therapist of the truth.

as an aside, i'd urge you not to do anything to try to make him "hurt." it's only going to make him feel better about his decision to end things, and reinforce his already incorrect beliefs of the type of person you are. don't give him anything to justify his mistakes.

Speak to his supervisor or your lawyer. This is very WRONG he is not suppose to that! Weather he works with both of you or not. Do something about it and don't just drop it. I would hang him from his you know what! SO SORRY

Sky, I'm so sorry for all of this. I wish I could just make it all go away.

I wonder though, if a good approach to take would just be to keep walking away and toward your healing.

Whatever direction you think that might be.

This is not a good situation, and I would be trying to extricate myself from it as much as I could.

I hear you, this is painful, but it's over. (I think).

I wish for you peace. Just a little peace.

I want tp scream at yhe thought of the unnecessary pain you're feeling.
I am so sorry you're going through this.

I shared what you wrote with my T. He also feels very sad for you. And he thinks the whole desk thing is odd on Ts part. Just wanted to let you know. I think my T wishes he were your his client so he could help. He has a good heart and hates to see others hurt.

oh nightsky, i'm so sad to hear things are so painful for you right now. it will get easier in time even if that seems impossible to believe right now. i don't know any of the particulars so can't comment on that but i do know your connection with your T was never, ever fake. you and T did wonderful work together and nothing can take that away, not even a crappy ending. i think you know that too but are just feeling blindsided by the pain you are currently in.

it is going to take time for you to heal from all this, and you will heal from it, but i think you need to practice self-care at this time. if you can't stop yourself from reading this woman's blog or wherever you are getting info about what she is saying then please have your H puts some blocks on your computer and other devices so you can't receive this info. i think continuing to know what she is saying is just hurting you at this point. unfortunately, sometimes people do lie or misunderstand or are just plain in denial about things. because this has gone on for so long without any real resolution it is probably best to just walk away. you can't stop another from lying but you can determine how you will respond. i think it is great you have spoken your piece and stood up for yourself but now may be the time to just accept that T may never get it and to go on with your life as best you can despite what anyone says or thinks. no, it's not fair but continuing in this may not change anything and just further hurt you. i know you are feeling powerless and so triggered, but some things we just can't control and have to accept. you will get through this dear nightsky. you are in my prayers.

((((nightsky2)))))

Thank you for sharing this. I had a very similar experience. All of a sudden my therapist (who I was very attached to, and grateful for, and bonded with) was doing distancing things, and arguing with me, and then one day just stopped my therapy (allegedly temporarily, but it never resumed). She accused me of things that weren't true, and then got angry at me for feeling that way). LIke you, I felt heartbroken for a long time. I lost a major source of support and comfort. It seems now that our connection was fake, but I find that hard to believe and hard not to believe.
I'm very sorry this happened to you. I really appreciate you sharing it. It helps me.

Like Antimatter, I too was able to find another therapist I can trust. It took a while. It was very hard - but not too hard to get it done.
I hope you can find someone, and that you can find some peace.

(((((Nightsky))))))),
I am so sorry about all of thisYou didn't deserve to be treated this way. It sucks because of the power differential, I totally get that it feels like you are bearing all of the pain of the termination and that your T bears none. I honestly can't fathom how anybody can do something so painful to people who have had enough pain in their lifetime. Disregarding ethics, it is inhumane. My situation was a little different than yours, but it took me about a month to find the strength to find another therapist. My therapist now has helped me work through termination, although it is still a work in progress. Somehow, I have found it within me to somehow trust this therapist. Do you plan on finding another T or are you going to go it alone?