Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear T,

You are such a blessing in my life. I am sorry for what I said when I was so down.

SAWE

Dear T,

Sorry I cancelled Monday's appt. after that other appt today. Seeing you is too much right now.

I did make an appt with another T, the one I saw twice before, but not sure where to go with that or what I want or if I am going to tell you I saw him.

I am WAY too overwhelmed after today and much too hurt and lost to think straight. I know you only want to help and are worried about me...but right now I have to process the other appt I had today and seeing you will only muddle things. You mostly get it but you don't get how hurt I am, even if you try.

You accidentally jumped into today's rabbit hole and you are in there too. I need to see someone outside of it.

Lovely T,
I am so thankful for you. Tuesday I gave you in writing something I thought I could never talk about. Something I thought about a lot over the 6 years of my therapy. I was so anxious, waiting for the Thursday session, but I kept reminding myself what I said in my writing - that I trust you. As anxious as I was, I was able to feel calm because of that trust, and I was able to just come to therapy and let it happen. And what happened was we talked about the trauma I wrote about, you really understood how important it is, the origins of many things about me, and you understood and appreciated that writing about it was the best way for me to tell it. I couldn't have done this without your help, and I couldn't have done this with anyone else.

T,

about discovering myself, I once asked you if the news was going to be bad? and I remember you smiled gently and said, no.

But since then everything I've learned has been bad. And this last is just too bitter, if it's true.

I am going to fight you on it. If that's reality, I will take illusion. I mean it.

SAWE

Dear T,

I have been living in a world where everyone lets me down, where I wreck everything, where nobody is there for me when I need them most.

Thank you for being the person who doesn't let me down. I have told you about all the times I have reached out for help and got none. Thank you for being the person who helps.

Thank you for letting me speak about the black ink.

T
I know sometimes I hate you, but you're only trying to help. Sometimes I tease you about being a stick insect, too. But today you totally rock. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

t
I don't want to start coming less frequently or stop coming EVER. I know its been a year and i know the "point" is to get me where i dont rely on therapy. I dont care. I miss you when its been a whole week. I dont want to wait a month because then there'd be too much to sum up in an hour.

T, I wish I never brought up wanting to be able to be in the same room with my parents and not being angry. You jumped on the forgiveness bandwagon and it feels like too much pressure. Trying to think of one small incident to talk about has caused the racing thoughts, the use of old coping mechanisms, etc... its be so hard these past 2 weeks...

I don't know what to say on Tuesday.

I'm hiding from my true feelings. It's easier to keep them hidden because to bring them out may hurt too much. I'm tired of the pain. I haven't even fully dealt with my parents death. There's too much pain. I'm simply scared. I don't know what else to do if I'm paralyzed by fear. I'm so numb and one day the pain medicine is going to wear off.

T,
Even though I see you in just one more day I miss you.
I don't think you even know I miss you during the week.
I have no life.

I don't wanna talk about all this stuff when I come to T Tuesday. But I really really should. HELP!!!!!

Thank you for the peace of the last couple of sessions, thank you for not talking. Thank you for changing the tense of that sentence. I was not talking about the past so why should you. I felt listened too when you changed it without me commenting. I hope you have a good break. I will miss you desperately but I need to try and be positive and do this on my own. It is funny that I have realised I can cope with breaks when I am off work, but I panic when I am in work like now. This is something to process in the future.

I don't know why I'm bothering when I have absolutely no intention of giving up my behaviors. Your flimsy advice certainly wouldn't help today.

Dear T,

After that day when I shouted at you and slammed your door, I read a post on another forum from an abuse survivor who said the purpose of therapy, for them, was to voice and process the pain. I remember thinking: that's not what it's for, not for me, for me it's to face up to how ***** I am and learn how to be less *****.

But you keep saying things, like how I need to widen my definition of violence, how this or that was abusive or brutal, how I have all this torture in my system, and I keep wondering if it can really be the case that I am here to talk about what other people did to me, if it's not my fault, if it's not about how ***** I am.

This weekend I thought: we still haven't talked about how ***** I am. Is it really possible you could give me therapy and never find me out, never notice how ***** I am? Is it possible that you don't think I'm *****? I imagine what you might say, based on the things I've told you, but there's another voice in my head that just laughs and laughs and says: "I can't believe you have the gall to call yourself a victim."

I want to ask if you think that. I want to ask if you think I'm *****. I want to ask why you're being so nice to me.

Dear T,

I'm wearing a mask and lying to you about everything to get away from you. The worst part is that you believe what I say because I'm such a good liar... I'm sorry

Dear T,

If it was something I said, I am so so so sorry.

sawe

Dear T,
I wish I could conjure you up like a genie when I feel alone as I do now. Work is more than I can tolerate. I get into situations with people and I can't tolerate feeling all the emotions it takes to go through it. I wish I could talk to you because I feel so lost and I feel like nobody cares. And that makes it all worse. I can't go to work tomorrow. It will be obvious if I don't, but I can't. I also have other people to consider. I hate myself more than anybody will ever know. I don't think I am going to make it out of the hell that is me.
Anti-matter

I'm being encouraged not to back out. That you pressing all my eating disorder defenses right out of the gate is a good thing. I hope that tomorrow's session lets me see if I am on the right path. So lets make it a good one, okay? I'll be completely honest and you validate my needs at this time and maybe then you can guide me out of this stuck place.

Dear t:
What is wrong with me...

I feel like I want to tell you something, T. I'm just not sure what that something is.

Dear T,

I'm so thankful for you-forever grateful to have such an amazing T in my life. I'm working really hard right now-and it's tough!! You are strong and yet able to hold such delicate things : ) it's beautiful really

T, I'm afraid to tell you the stuff going on in my head... will you think I'm too messed up for you to work with me? Its like 5 steps forward recently doing so well and then in the last 2 weeks its like 10 steps back.

T, your reply made me start crying, because I felt completely dismissed and misunderstood. I honestly was not even looking for any kind of response, but you could not have said anything more wrong. When I don't talk, I'm thinking too much. When I'm honest and explicitly say I want your help and tell you why, I'm thinking too much. How do I do this right?