Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

I really really really desparately need to talk to you. Why did you say we'll discuss it next week in session?? You're all I've got now....

I think you hit every right note today. I don't know what the end result of this process will be, but I felt you reaching out. While I have immense doubts about my ability to recover, I felt the first real connection to the therapy. Thank you for listening and going over time.

I am in so much pain inside. I seriously can't remember the last time I've hurt this much. And you are out of town, gone. No help for me. No hope for me?

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time roseleigh7

Dear T,

Last week, I asked you for help in a crisis and got it. I was amazed because nobody else has given me the help I have asked for, ever. I thought I had inconvenienced or annoyed you.

Today, I said: "You know, you changed the whole world for me last week." I thought you might say it's okay or you're welcome.

But you said: "I know. It felt really good to be able to do that." I guess I sometimes forget you're a human being.

Thank you for being the person who comes through for me.

Reached out here and there, you're not there. I understand, but no one else has gotten back with me. Maybe I'm being impatient. I just want someone to care. I am selfish.

Dear Other T I saw today,

You have some insights and seem more "change-oriented" than my current T. But can you help me? Idk. You asked me some things I can't answer.

Dear Usual T,

The wheels are coming off in my head when I think about what we have/HAVEN'T been working on. Not sure I want to do this anymore. Where I am, if I refuse to let go of that "safety blanket," why bother with T at all? I don't want that change.

T? T! T. T. T.

I'm not even anxious right now, or at least I don't think I am. But this persistent oh ****! oh ****! oh ****! feeling I've got going on right now, this really sucks.

I want to talk to you! But you're not there! And now I've devolved into the overuse of exclamation points to try to express myself. And I hate doing that. This has been kind of a **** day. Grrr.

ETA: Ah, ****, who am I kidding? I'm anxious as ****.

dear t,
knowing that I will be seeing you again tomorrow is making today easier. but I have to ask, wtf is up with these panic attacks!? I really dislike them, and they are new...

also, what did you mean by going with me to dbt? yes, i think it would make a huge difference, especially if you could help me out when I get triggered... i may actually try it again, despite failing miserably the last 6 times... maybe with you there, it will be more bearable?

also also, I really don't mean to be so needy, but clearly my defenses are failing, and my insides have just about turned to dust... I really need help. a lot of help right now... I can't afford to fall apart.

I can't do this anymore.

I've tried so hard to do everything right. I've never stepped out of line. You're the first person I've felt attached to and you're treating me like this? Why can't you just hear me and talk to me like a normal person?

Dear T,
I feel so insignificant this week. Work sucks. Having been terminated is painful. Being too insignificant to have closure sucks. I am glad I have you. I wish I didn't feel what I am feeling. I wish I didn't know what I know. I wish I knew what I don't know. I wish I was invisible. I wish I wasn't. I am in a lot of pain, and work issues and past termination issues are making a strong cocktail of pain. I hope you have the antedote, because I could sure use one. How could he do this to me? Why, when I trusted him? I am in so much pain.

Strangling me is looking like a more appealing option all the time, yes?


Sorry.

Dear T, I'm sorry that my h kept coming in the room this morning when we were trying to have a phone session. He was SUPPOSED to have gone down to breakfast like I told you he would be doing. But he kept "forgetting" things and having to come back into the room. I could have smacked him upside the head for doing that. He's nosy I guess. Thank you for not being upset with me over the 'incomplete container' for part of our session. At least he finally DID leave, and you could tell right away that he had left because my energy changed. You are the best, lady! And thank you for responding like you did when I told you how much I appreciate you. What you said felt like a hug!

Dear T,

who do I go to for help if I can't turn to you?

Dear T,

You are a crafty one. You told me it was fine to ask if you think my childhood sucked, but ultimately I needed to let myself have the opinion I wanted instead of asking you to have it for me and therefore give me permission to have it.

I was so mad at you, I emailed you saying, rather less politely, eff you, it sucked and you don't get to tell me it didn't because you weren't there so what would you know about it.

That's what you wanted, isn't it? I hope so. I really hope you smiled when you saw my email and didn't just notice how many times I told you to go eff yourself.

There is too much pain in this world.

T
Have I told you how much I hate you lately.

love me.

What the heck, T. I've been so unhappy with you lately and last week was thrilled to have canceled. This week, I went from ready to go back, to hurt, to canceling and feeling good again, to regretting cancelling and major disappointment and sadness that someone else got my spot tonight. Now I just miss you and want to make things better again.

Dear T

My dental operation gave me an awful flashback and now I'm just sitting in bed feeling like a frightened rabbit. I wish I hadn't sent you a ranty email now as I feel I have contacted you way too much this week and can't email you about this

I'm frightened

Dear T,

So I guess we have to go over the mess we didn't on Monday since I cancelled last week's session and saw another T on Tuesday. I think the other T is a better fit for me, but I felt incomplete from not seeing YOU which makes me incredibly angry and confused, esp. since in real life I don't think about you until T day, and I don't feel a super strong connection to you.

So it has to go back to ex-T and how you have experienced my whole termination process with me. How do I let you go when you were there for me and ARE still there for me (for I am not DONE) but I think in order to be done, I need a different T. **** my ex-T for terminating with me like he did, no matter how deep his guilt, even if we could drown in it. I still don't know why he let a consultant rule over my termination. I either never asked the right questions or he had no intention of giving me the right answers. You have done so much...I don't think you could get them from him either, but I might ask you to try.

How can you not be asking for extra copays and some benzos to deal with this??? I make it impossible to move because ex-T superglued me to the ground...and he knew it. It's like being locked in a cage for almost 2.5 years. Or even better, since ex-T liked puzzles...one of those big puzzles on the lawn that you find your way out of. I got dropped into one with no exit...

This is so hard to write. I thought I could remain passive and tell the story but its making feel overwhelmed in my head and body. Now that I've started writing it I cant put it out of my head. This is just one piece of my puzzle, how will I find the strength to tackle all of them? Is it worth it?

I've been thinking for a while that you don't get it at all, and today was just another reminder. I can't believe I read that bit of self-hating inner dialogue to you. Ick. Then I was SO ANGRY with you for not saying much after. (but I am too polite to say any of this so I just keep quiet instead of popping with all this anger) What else did you think I was going to say? What the **** were you waiting for? When I told you for the millionth time that I hate your silence, you told me you'd be happy to talk about whatever I want to talk about. Did you even realize how hard it was for me to force out what I had just said? That that was what I wanted to talk about?

**** you and your Socratic questioning and your technique-y silence. Why do I bother telling you anything? I'm just so done. I'm not ever coming back.

.

I'm just not happy with you this week and I'm not sure why. It's been very confusing.

Dear T,

If you challenge me when I'm already upset, you won't do any good. All I'll remember is that you hurt me and let me down.

Dear T,

If I tell you all of the dark thoughts going around in my head right now, what will you really think? I'm too scared to tell you, but I think I should. I'm safe, but the thoughts are really overwhelming at times.

And I know I keep saying this, but I would give anything for you to specialize in Eating Disorders. With my assessment so far away, it's making my behaviors worse. I'm very honest with you, but I just can't keep doing this, because I just don't care anymore. The thought of starting over with a new T at the ED clinic scares the heck out of me and I just can't do it.

Thank you for not giving up on me.

I'm sorry I saw you at a vulnerable moment. It's okay really. Really. I still think you are superman.