Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear T, what the hell? are you reading pc or what?????

if you are, leave! this is my place to vent.

on the other hand you must certainly learn a lot. damn!

ps thanks for the appt. now i am scared to come in. i must be certifiable. is there any hope? i really don't think so anymore!!!
this has really screwed with my head. i was going to quit in july anyways and maybe it is just time now. please help me make sense of things. i need things to be calm. i need things to make sense. and i think the voices are coming back because the depression is coming back. ssshhhhhh! don't tell anyone.

Dear t
Everything hurts, physically and mentally. I am working really hard at shutting it all out, but dream of someone somewhere taking care of me. I know it can't be you, but I wish there was someone. It is hard on my own. You'd have thought I would be used to it by now. My friends are great, but when the pain threatens to take over everything they don't understand and how can they. I think this therapy thing is pointless. It's just made me horribly aware of how much pain I am in and how alone I am. It can't change things. Recently it's made me so frustrated. Yes I am better at looking after myself, but maybe a self help sheet might have done the job! I hate being so attached to you. I've never let myself be attached to another person like this my whole life and I know why. It hurts even more. Maybe it's too late for me
Willow

Dear T,

Thank you.

Dear T,

As much as I am attached to you (even though I haven't told you this) I feel like the attachment is not as scary-intense as it once was. This is a massive relief. I should probably still say something about it but it no longer feels like the elephant in the room, maybe just the oversized mouse

Dear T
I feel a little better after our chat today, but I'm still not sure about you.

I emailed you six days ago, T. Is it time to give up on a response? I'm not so sure I want to meet on Friday.

I have an appt with you tom marrow and I don't want to talk about my husband and what he does regardless that we are married. You only defend him saying it's all my imagination. I feel defeated when I see you sometimes. maybe it's time for me to look for someone else to be my Pdoc.

I am so, so angry with you, T. Irrationally so, I know. I wonder if I'm using anger as a way to mobilize leaving you.

That thing you said. I'm wondering why you said it... casual mention of something written in your diary, or...?

T I want to break your face right now

I am stuck in an emotional state. I feel like the abyss is within me, it is so unsettling it's not funny.

I had my scripts for my meds. in my car and they are lost, how I don't know, and my Pdoc said she doesn't rewrite scripts. I hate myself. I am so overwhelmed that I just came home and didn't even try and call my Pdoc to get my meds. straight, because her staff are a cluster **** who get off on telling patients that they can't get their meds. The one ***** can go **** herself, and I hope she washes her greasy hair when she's done.

For the record, this is not drug-seeking behavior, the pharmacy can prove that because it is time for a refill, it is that I am infuriated because yet one more person controls how I feel. I am still continuing to take things as prescribed, blah blah, but will run out of Provigil and my Seroquel is due. Who the **** cares, right? I hate people sometimes. I hope I go stark ****ing raving mad and run down the street screaming at midnight (fully clothed). Thankfully, the pharmacist did fax my GP and is going to get my heart meds., Prevastatin, and my GP is awesome.

I almost called you this morning because I just don't know where all of these emotions are coming from. But I didn't and I think you are happy about me not bothering you. I know if I could not bother me, I would be the happiest person on earth.

The emotions flooded me at work and I had to zone out to try to deal with them so I wouldn't break out into a full emotional storm at work. I sometimes wish I could just let loose, just stand at work and start screaming, "I can't take this anymore, DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME? IS ANYBODY ****ING LISTENING?" Whatever.

I can't think of anything you will be able to do or say that will help me through this, but I hope to God that you can and that you do. I feel voiceless, silenced, unheard. I will never find my way out of this. I am in such agony and you are nowhere to be found. I am so terrified that tomorrow I will leave feeling this same way. Petrified. I am trying to hold on to a speck of hope, but it feels like a fool's hope. I still have faith in you, but the part of me that is angry doesn't want you to know that, it doesn't feel that way. H E L P M E. . . . . . .

Dear t
What happened? I still feel like a child, I've not slept and have a long drive ahead today so a tad worried. You have left me in a nightmare. You said we were both frustrated over the speed things were going. You encouraged me to push myself and the results are that I am now living a nightmare. You wanted to hear from the child and 3 emails later you certainly have. I feel mortified I have never emailed you constantly like this before. I hate you and need you in the same breath. What is the point in all this?

Dear T,

I appreciate you so much and I feel so incredibly lucky to have you as my T. You make me feel so comfortable, so heard, and so valued. I always leave a session feeling light, energetic, confident, and at peace. I feel like you truly understand and care about me. I'm going through a hard time right now (planning on ending my relationship with my gf), and talking to you gives me clarity and makes me feel supported. It feels good when you tell me that I have everything to offer, and that I should hold out for the person who has everything to offer me in return; I don't need to settle or to try to make this relationship work when there is something better out there for me.

It also meant a lot to me the other day when you told me that if I'm no longer seeing you by the time I have my first child, that I *have* to visit you so that you can meet him or her. It shows me how invested you are in me and in my having the relationship and family that I desire. I know I'll never have a mom, but what you give me really does feel like a little piece of that. I can't help but wonder if you'd accept an invitation to things like my wedding or my PhD defense. When I think about those big life events, I think of my dad, and my sister, and my best friends... and you. You've told me before that you're "one of my people"; you're one of the people in my life who's in my corner no matter what. I really feel that from you. When I was telling you the other day what my gf said about what she thinks about therapy-- and about you-- after attending a session, I couldn't help but notice the expression on your face. You looked genuinely hurt, and it hurt my feelings to think that something I said hurt you, even if I was merely relaying what my gf said. After seeing your expression, I reiterated that those were her words, not mine, and I told you exactly what I said to my gf in response. I told you how I stood up for myself, for you, and for the T relationship that we have. I also made a bit of a silly face and told you that I have your back. I was joking around in that moment, but I really meant it. I know you don't need me to have your back, but I have it anyway. You have mine, so it's only fair, right? It felt good to be able to tell you that you're important to me, and to hear you say right back that I'm important to you, too. I really value being in therapy with you, and I feel really grateful for everything that you give me. I love you.

ScorpioSis

I need you here in hospital...can't stand seeing you, or hear people talk about you, when we, even though you are here, can't, and aren't allowed to speak to you...and all you say..is either 'good day' or nothing at all...and it hurts so bad...especially since you leaving kinda was the reason to be commited again, can't take this grief...

Dear T, in the SECOND session we ever had, you passed a compliment to me about "Being such a nice girl" It made me angry! How could you possibly know if I´m a nice girl or not? You don´t know me! I hate this kind of coment that are suppose to make you feel better but they are just made up. Now how would I know if what you say is real or made up again just to make me feel better. Don´t ever do it again please!

It would be a lot easier to date you than others.

I'm so angry.

I feel like you try hard to convince me that you care about me. But when I finally let go and trust, you do something to throw a wrench in it. After that, I back off to protective myself. Once I do that, you try to regain my trust.

This keeps happening over and over, and I don't know if it is my fault or yours.

You do so many nice things for me. But then you do something that, to me, seems neglectful. . .it is surprising to me that sometimes you do things that you don't seem to realize are going to really hurt my feelings. Especially when we've worked together this long.

I don't think that you would ever be purposely neglectful. But on the other hand, you sometimes do things that are so obviously a problem for me -- things that we have had problems with in the past -- and if you aren't being purposely hurtful, then it seems like you are really clueless. And that makes me feel unsafe.

Dear T

You're not that much of a neat freak. The table is REALLY dusty.

I long for these 45 min all week, even though I feel very anxious, ridiculous and stupid by being here. I really wish I could not exist, but the thought of being with you again is enough to make me want to survive another week. I don't know why...

You were right - same ole;same ole. I think I got it now. Thank you for the many hours you spend with me to heal. We both see the end in sight.

Love you, GTGT

Dear T

I know I said what I said, but why can't you read between the lines?

Why did you let the session go over? I reeaally didn't like that you did that - it brings up A LOT of feelings in me. I'd rather always keep it the same time...and telling me you're going out of town...um, yeah. I don't think you know me well enough because if you did, you wouldn't suggest I call for a phone session (if needed). How ironic because my cutting off of my own needs is a large part of why I'm in therapy to begin with, T! Cause I'm pretty sure that I would never call you - not sure i can even imagine calling you if I were to be hospitalized (!) T, how sad is that?!

We're off to a shaky start at best, but I promise I won't give up on myself for your sake

I don't know if I am going to see you tonight. For the first time ever I am self satobaging so I may not make session. Part of me is going to be devastated if I don't. If I do go what do I say or do. I feel like things have changed for ever and I don't even know why or what happened. I hate the fact I can only be one of many for you even though you try your best to be there for me. I hate the fact I feel so needy and want more. I hate that you're pushing me, but understand why. Maybe I don't have the capacity to change any more. Maybe this is it