Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

I really, really just wish you would love me. I know you never will though. I feel so alone.

Dear T.
Really? Really? REALLY? Your answer was because you changed your mind??!!?? I wasn't sure if I should laugh or get totally pissed at you! But, darn it, I would have done the same thing... I just don't like it when it happens to me and not some one else.

Dear T, i really hope you can help because my mood just took a major nose dive and the world i am now living in is scary. like it is stronger then me. the thoughts are torture, and they are strong.
i need you to be stronger.

i need you to help and not leave me lost wondering why i am still here...

thanks in advance

ps thursday seems a long ways away, so please do not cancel

Dear T,

I can barely type after surgery on Monday. The only pain med that seemed to help was a morphine drip. I'm home now but the pain is excruiating. Wish you cared enough to call . valium isn't helping much. I need you but can't have you . Story of my life.

Dear T, i strained my back and got some pain meds, now i am just feeling numb... like my brain is all fuzzy and that ain't bad right now. sure beats reality.

ps i know you rarely cancel, so let this be one of the times that you don't. please.thank you.

I am stressed. I haven't told you this because there are far more pressing matters to deal with but I get nightmares where I shout and scream loudly in my sleep. Last night it happened again and this time I kept crying out. "Im so scared." Maybe I'm scared of the work we are embarking on....maybe digging into the past is going to be too hard. These nightmares/terrors make me feel like a deeply wounded soul, that the damage is too deep to be healed. I imagine you would have something intelligent to say that would counter these kinds of thoughts, but right now, its just me.

Dear T,
Did you understand my word vomit last week? I good at being quiet but no you wanted me to talk. So you got word vomit. Honestly I would have burst.

MM

Dear T,

I tried to have a sexual fantasy about you, the same one I have about all male authority figures, and I couldn't. It was like I was blocked from imagining it. And now I don't seem to want to have this fantasy any more, which is good as it wasn't very healthy. I may have to concede that my interest in certain things does indeed stem from my background, however much I claim otherwise. I really wish I could talk to you about this, and about something specific that happened to me, but no way can I because you might not understand and you might imagine me doing stuff and that would be mortifying.

Oh, and I really hope that whatever happens in therapy is what needs to happen in therapy and I'm not just screwing it up like I do everything else.

Dear T,

I'm in such pain and so weak, I'm scared. No one can help me. I know you don't care but right now I need you to pretend. Yes, I need you to pretend to care until i'm strong again. Please be human for a change. i'm so upset. I need to eat, I need a reason to try and like it or not I need you!!

To T

I bet you get rid of me. I should imagine you've had a chance to really think about my admission of snooping on you and have decided I'm too much for you or I'm too messed up. Anyway, I'm waiting for it to happen.

I hope you feel better..

Dear T: Lately I feel you don't care about me anymore. I miss the closeness we once shared. I used to feel like I was your only client. Now the sessions just feel distant and sometimes I don't want to come but I do because I don't feel right if I don't go.

You cancelled on me. Very disappointing, but probably better for you because I intended to be very passive agressive in today's session. I'm slightly annoyed that I wasn't the one who cancelled before you could.

Well T, I sent you an email this morning telling you my concern that you'll terminate me after what I told you last week and as yet you haven't replied. It doesn't bode well does it?

I wish I could just tell you already.

Dear T,
Wednesday can't come fast enough.So much has happened since I saw you 2 weeks ago. I've missed you (I'll never really tell you that though). I have to tell you everything I've been keeping from you from the bulimia to all the childhood abuse,to the nightmares I'm really hoping you won't shut me out or eventually terminate me,I'm terrified of your rejection.I'm anxious and afraid for our next session but I have to tell you everything to keep moving forward and thank you for being there for me so far even though I continue to shut you out

T
I keep mucking you around, and I'm sorry

I think your lack of contact confirms what i believe. You don't want me anymore...

Please reply to my text tomorrow.

I'm working my hardest. I've tried to fix this. I don't understand why you don't understand me. Why give up on me now? This is the real stuff. My issues, they are right here, they are visible, so we can work with them head on. Don't you think? They brought so much pain and now you're thinking of leaving me with the pain? I don't get it. Why should I trust that if, by some miracle, I find another great person, that they will stick with me when things get tough?

Also what exactly was the deal with the ending today? First I asked you a question and I thought your blunt reply was my imagination. Then you rushed out the door while I was trying to write down my different appointment time and day for next week so I didn't forget. I thought I'd misheard you so I tried to confirm the day with you and you replied bluntly. You called out goodbye, and then you were gone. I left your cheque on your coffee table, by the way. I hope you got it. Will you write a receipt for me next week please?

Once again, I'll just hold on here while fearing the end. You're the only person I've ever felt attached to! This isn't easy for me. This is a nightmare. So please, please get back to me tomorrow. I know you feel like you can't do anything right, but I just need you to be a bit gentle. That's all. Please just be gentle while I find my feet again.

Dear T,

I had a bet with myself that you would read my email and laugh, rather than being angry with me for having a go at you. I'm glad I was right.

Dear T,

I sense your patience with me is stretching. Would going to every other week help? I don't really want to, but when we started, you did say "weekly at first" and we're now over a year.

I don't ever get the feeling that you are watching the clock on me, but I do wonder if you watch the calendar sometimes.
I wouldn't blame you in the least, but it makes me

thank you.

Dear T--

So, did you really have to run over me when I finally got the courage up to talk about what I feel like I need? Did you really not hear me taking responsibility for the most part?

Oh, and do you get defensive whenever anyone asks if you think you can really help, and when someone questions your role in the "relationship" in the context of therapy? Or is it just me you don't like hearing that from?

And does it matter that my inability to feel our relationship is stable and durable enough to trust you and do the work is at the bottom of every failure I meet with in therapy? Could you really not have reached out just the tiniest bit rather than pointing out that we've met regularly for the last 4 years, as if a room and time is enough to feel connection?

Just wondering about all that. And more.

I have no idea what to say to you tomorrow.