Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Not-so Dear T,

I really don't like you right now. I'm only going to show up to therapy on Friday because I signed a contract saying I would. Don't expect me to say much to you though. Not sure how much I can trust you at this moment. I know you have my best interests in mind, but I just can't. I'm too scared to open up and be honest with you anymore. The one person I am brutally honest with and you ruined it. Thanks. I hope you can fix it, because the next move is yours.

It can be fixed,

Dear T,

Thank you for being willing to try new things with me. I liked the silly putty and playing Uno with you. Drawing on the Ipad was okay, too. It helps me not be so tense and worried about what I might say. It relaxes me.

Squiggle

Canceling two weeks in a row is not cool, dude. I get it, you're sick, okay. But can't you think of my needs here? (I'm kidding. A little.) I think you need to start main lining vitamin C or something. You get sick a lot. Your obviously copied and pasted email informing me you were sick sucked too. Yeah, yeah, I know, selfish me.

Sigh.

On the upside, I still have a babysitter, so who knows what wild and crazy things I might do with my free time tomorrow.

Dear T,
Instead of trying to normalize my disability, I really wish you would take the time to understand it first. it is one thing to be tall or short, have an accent, or be a different nationality then someone. Those are things to be celebrated. Having a disability in which everyone notices right away is a different story altogether. People don't celebrate that. And I am sorry but people really do have crappy ways of acknowledging it; it isn't me being overly sensitive. And it makes dating REALLY hard which you are going to HATE hearing me say but that too is sad reality. As a matter of fact, I feel like an abject failure when it comes to that whole scene and this is why.

So please, I just want you to listen and TRY to understand because I know you can't without me telling you. And don't feel too bad - I have already resigned myself to the fact that you will never answer me properly regarding this issue. No one ever has, and it is not fair for me to expect you to, either.

Thx.

Dear T

I've been thinking, I mean really thinking. Please don't faint.

Squiggle, great to see you... I started this thread and number five, thanking you for creating this post in the first place.
Hope things are well with you and the kids you teach and especially your husband. Your t always did keep you on your feet!

sending safe hugs!!!!!

Dear t
That was a nightmare. I know we will talk about it in next session and who knows, I might feel better then but right now I feel truly awful and am completely alone in this pain. I wish you could help.

OH.MY.GOD. is Thursday EVER going to get here?

Oh, thursday for me too Elliemay. I both want it to be here and at the same time am terrified of walking in that room

I'm not afraid, it's just I've been carrying SOOOOOO much crap. I just want to talk to him.

He's a smart cookie my therapist. I appreciate his insight.

Also, he's developed this manner of being that just makes my blood pressure go down the second I sit down. It's totally different from when I first started.

I think it's because of that stupid personality test and my awful reaction to it. As terrible as it was, I think he gets me now. Strange it took a test, but I was able to reveal things on it that I likely could have never, ever said.

It's okay. Really. He's a holder of dark stuff.

I may move up to two times a week for a little while.

Oh! and I just want to hug the bejesus out of him.

I also look forward to T and then dread it just before which is weird as it must be worse for my T, he doesn't know what mood I'm going to be in or what I might be about to bring into his room.

I wish I could go twice a week but I can't really afford it, and my T is fully booked anyway.

*

Dear T,

I wish you were my dad. Sometimes I pretend you are.

You know when you interrupted me and I said: "Oi, did they not teach you about listening in therapist school?" I'm glad you laughed and didn't get cross, or even pretend to be cross. Because, after I said it, I was frightened and I wanted to hide.

waiting and feeling insecure. i know you are busy but anytime now...

I think you have forgotten about me

I'm afraid you won't believe me, will think I'm crazy, will think I'm lying, or will send me to someone else. Or all of the above.

I don't know how to find the right words to get it out so it doesn't sound crazy.

OMG T I am absolutely pooping in my pants about seeing you tomorrow. I still think you're going to terminate me after last week and my admissions. If you don't and you want to continue to work with me maybe it's time to place my complete trust in you. What do you think?

I went climbing instead, T. Still miss you though.

Dear T,

More and more I'm willing to talk about what's going on inside of me without censoring myself. You're the ONLY T I have been able to do that with! I am surprised by my honesty! You're the only T who has been "with me 100%" and not up on a pedestal. You're the only T who "goes the extra mile" for me.

I was scared yesterday. I didn't know you were going to agree that I suffer from any kind of PTSD. I'm still not sure what you said, though. I know you hate diagnoses! You think that my brother is a key to my feelings about my body. You made that clear to me, though I keep denying that in my mind.

I appreciate your honesty in telling me that it was probably "your stuff" in that session we were discussing. I also love when we talk about art. You're not faking liking my artwork.

I believe you when you say I'm not "just your job". You are highly dedicated to your clients.

We both know I wasn't 100% there yesterday. I think it's partly about what I said about poison, and what I said when I came back from the bathroom. All of this is related, all of this yucky stuff. I am so very glad I have you as my T to help me with all of this. Please stay healthy and safe so we can do this work together (and so we can share more of our artwork with one another. )

Thank you for being you, and for sticking with me for 3 years.

Love,
rainbow

Dear recently ex-T,

I had to find a Christian T who better understands my struggles right now. I don't feel u understand how seriously I take my faith and didn't know how to tell you that. When I join with a church I don't pick and choose, I am an all or nothing kinda gal when it comes to church. I truly believe I'm being led to this church and doctrine for a reason...though not what that reason is yet. Sorry for terminating over the phone I truly didn't know what to work on anymore with you. You were a great therapist and I truly appreciate all of your help.

I'm not going to hear from you am I?

Sometimes I think you talk to me like you think I'm a healthy well rounded individual who can take it, or who should know better. But underneath the politeness and the decent intellect, I'm very damaged. I know my feelings aren't always rational. Don't think I don't know that. But I have needed you to accept me how I am, with my vulnerabilites and weaknesses, and help fix me, with care and sensitivity and encouragement and support and... patience. I need a cheerleader. You used to be my cheerleader.

Dear T

I feel like I will have to tiptoe around you next session, and I don't see why I should have to.

And not seeing why I should have to makes me feel callous, and selfish, and visualizing NOT doing it makes me afraid of angering you. I've told you before, I cannot bear your anger, I need your consistency.

I'm sort of hemmed in. Sure hope I think of something soon.
SAWE

Hang in there

Hi Squiggle!

Dear new T,

Tomorrow will be my first appt with you and I'm really nervous. I don't even know how to bring up the topic I need to discuss it just seems so personal. You see my anxiety has been a bit higher than normal. I recently made the discovery I'm bisexual but the Catholic Church deems homosexual acts a sin but I don't really ever see myself as being with a man. I mean I know that could change but I guess my question is how do I accept my sexuality in light of my church's beliefs? I'm struggling to accept my sexuality in light of my beliefs as I hold tightly to ALL catholic teachings that I'm aware of. I have decided not to act on anything right now as I really need to come to some kind of peace about this.

Thanks, your new client,
MelisssaD81