Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

not sure i want thursday to get here... but i got my idiot call today telling me i have an appt tomorrow

Dear T, i don't need a session exactly like the one before, but if you could be gentle and calm and connecting it would probably be for the best.

life is sucking at the moment, family and my weight are the worst.
and si thoughts are back in full force.

thank you

I know a website isn't the complete answer, and maybe you've already been here, but...

www.dignityusa.org

I think that people of faith can continue to be people of faith and also accept their sexality. I know that the Catholic church is pretty clear on this, but I also think that people have found a way to peace with it all. If you decide that you want to try it, I believe you'll be able to too.

My best to you.

ah t....I forgot how much therapy brings out a needy side. I hate feeling needy. your lack of response makes me feel insignificant.

T

Why did you look?

Dear T, why did you use the r word to describe what happened to me. It is too ugly a word. The memories are terrible right now. I hate you right now. Maybe I won't call to set up another appt.

Dear T, F*** you and go to H*** while your at it...... I hate it when your right, sometimes it hurts too much.

T
Why were you still looking when I was leaving?

T:
I wish I would have told you to stop talking. What you told me was not helpful. In my mind you are now just another one of those people who think I am crazy and try to use scare tactics to get me to do what you all think is right. I am angry and sad and scared. But mostly I am mourning the loss of trust. It took so long to feel completely safe and open with you. It was hard work and I finally felt safe. Now that is gone. I don't think I will be able to discuss this topic with you anymore and you were my safe place to do that. I should have know I would be all alone in this. I alwas have been, always will be. Is there really any point in me seeing you anymore?

I'm so, so sorry T. You told me our session was making you feel ill and you wanted to draw a line under it until next time. You were so angry, just about all the way through I think and it absolutely terrified me. I did try, I really did. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. I wish there was some way other than T to get the disgustingness out

Dear T,

I woke up in pain, then had a little something to eat before taking med. Short while later I am crying again, feeling so much pain both physical and mental. Why am I such an emotional mess? I feel so vulnerable, so weak, so needy. I need to call you, I need someone to comfort me but I can't call you. We just had a session last night. I need you but have no right to ask. This is so hard....maybe more meds will help. Surgery stinks when you're alone. I hate being alone.

Dear T, you seemed so far away last night....

and i don't know if i fear the connection
or
you fear the connection

why suggest a family session? that makes me think that you do this because then you don't have to deal with me one-on-one.

i said i would call for another appt, and i have been seriously thinking about taking a break for sometime, i think this is the time.
i need space to breathe.

Dear T,

Thank you so much for listening to me today. After the he11 we went through on Tuesday with the crisis team, I wasn't sure I could trust you again. You proved me wrong immediately. Thank you for making your office a safe space for me again. I know you still believe IP is the best place for me right now, but I appreciate you not forcing the issue. I know that EDs are not your specialty, but you are doing the best that you can until I get in for my ED center assessment in mid-April.

Oh and I know I see you again on Monday, but I am freaking out already that it will be our last session for 2 weeks while you are on vacation and with your schedule. Seeing you twice a week and then down to nothing for 2 weeks, is messing with me big time. I thought I was okay with it. I know I can see the other T in the office, but it's just not the same. She's my marriage counselor with my DH, she's just not you.

Dear T,
Thank you for a genuinely lovely text today. I couldn't ask for as better t and I am glad I didnt dump you because we work together. Our relationship might not be perfect but I love it, thank you for being there for me it meant more than you could imagine

The thing is, about the eating disorder, I really don't want to get well from it. I want it to kill me. I think there is a good chance of that too. And I'm ok with that. So, I'm sorry. It shouldn't even be something we try to deal with anymore.

Dear T, why no connection? i really needed it. what happened? please explain? i promise you never ever have to get close, i will not let that happen. i promise to try not to contaminate you.... i think it is time to go back to the floor for me. no more sitting on the couch. sometimes i forget my place.

My heart goes out to you Roseleigh. I'm so sorry you feel this way. (I'm sometimes close to a similar feeling). This life is so hard. Maybe you have something there to tell T. Maybe you need to discuss things other than the eating disorder. I just wanted to tell you that before I post for myself.
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Dear T,

Today I feel like I need another session because all I can do is . I don't want meds. I want to be able to function without crying. Wish you were here.

I can't cope. I don't want to exist anymore. You're angry with me, something else has retraumatised me and I can't see a way out.

I hate you so f***ing much. I wish I could hit you with a giant foam bat like the scene out of The First Wives Club. I hate you. Why does therapy have to feel like being beaten down to a pulp?

I do not want to see you Wednesday. I think it'll be a waste of both our times. as the ability to hold a conversion is integral to therapy. If I don't show up I'll concern you more. So I'll be theren, good luck.

I don't think I'll ever be free of this self-hatred.

i think that this is very brave of you and that if you set a goal that you you will succeed

I want to tell you I want to stop doing therapy, just to see if you care enough to talk me out of it.

How did this thread get buried on page 3?

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Two people told me today that they missed me. It was...unexpected? Unsettling? It made me think of how often I miss you, and how awfully annoying it must get to hear it from me all the time. Though, of course, I wasn't at all annoyed by hearing it from other people. Just didn't really know what to do with it.

It's almost three weeks since I've seen you. Think you'll remember me?

i wish you stop stating facts and concentrate on my emotions. i wish you knew that it's really hard for me to take off this happy facade.