Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

sweet of you, HT, but I don't deserve it. Why she even bothers with me, I don't know. I hope I haven't blown it.

Dear T,

I miss you a lot tonight why do I feel so needy? It makes me cry....I know it's not really even you so much as this transference thing. That makes it worse almost. I don't want to feel alone - but especially not in therapy! I'm seriously going to try to be more authentic when I see you this week... because without authenticity, T, what's the point? I guess if you leave me for being me then that's not my fault, no? Or if it is my fault and I'm not worth your time, then maybe it's best I find that out now rather than further down the line (???)

Hey t - when I was sitting in the airport yesterday after missing my connecting flight I kept thinking I really should plan a vacation to your state and make part of it coming to see you. You told me I could but I just really don't think I ever will. It would make me feel too I don't know what. Then at the same time I think having a final 'regular' session in person would be awesome. As much as I feel like I really don't 'need' you anymore, it is very very hard to just let go of the relationship completely.

T,

What will it take for you to realize I am just an empty shell?! There is NOTHING there. All the bad just covers an open hole; I am nothing. You don't get it. You don't know how bad this is. I told you I am waiting until the kids are grown. Did you think I was f****** kidding?!

It is amazing how nurturing it is when I get a e-mail in the middle of the week from you asking me how I am doing. Tears well up because I am just not used to that feeling.

Dear T,

Thanks for being so wonderful to work with on my path to a more solid emotional well-being. At times I absolutely hate you and being in therapy but I will never forgot the work we've done and steps taken. Somehow I lucked out finding you as my first ever T and realize now I was meant to start therapy when I did. I will remind myself of this post a few weeks from now after a dull session or a frustrated exchange!

Dear T,

Thank you for saying you worry about me, for thinking I'm worth worrying about, for taking me seriously and not minimising my feelings.

I'm sorry I shouted at you and said your comment was "the most stupid thing you've ever said". I'm sorry because it wasn't stupid, it was funny, and I just reacted badly. I'm sorry because you are working so hard to adapt to me and help me and you must feel like you're walking on eggshells around me.

I want to apologise to the human being behind the therapist who went to work, tried his best and got an earful. I'm going to apologise when I see you. I just feel bad that maybe I made you feel bad.

TR

T - I'm pretty darn aggravated at myself right now that I bugged you last week and asked for today's appointment. I really need to learn how to be firm with myself and just say "look - artemis - chill the f out, you got this." I will hopefully tell you this when we talk in 30 minutes. There is nothing that could not have waited for next week.

Then again I hear your voice in my head saying "It's all part of the process, learning that 'you got this' ". So maybe it is okay.

"I want to apologise to the human being behind the therapist who went to work, tried his best and got an earful. I'm going to apologise when I see you. I just feel bad that maybe I made you feel bad."

TR - I apologized to my T in the next session after a similar outburst. I was very flippant to her and on the drive home realized she was a person who got up to go to work and do her best and didn't deserve my attitude. Expression of emotion yes, snotty attitude no. She was floored the next session when I opened it by saying I'm sorry AND why. She had this look of confusion and when I asked if it wasn't okay to bring it up she said that clients rarely, if ever, apologize or take ownership so she was processing the moment. Right then I realized how often T's must be verbal punching bags and I was so deeply grateful I swallowed my pride and apologized.

Dear T,

the silence grows.

If you knew anyone who cared, I might send you an update tomorrow,

but maybe you don't know any such person.


do you hear screaming? that's me..............

SAWE

Dear t,
Thanks for not giving up on me. I have. I'm canceling I'm no longer your client. Thank-you. I promise to continue my meds. You know I'll be back later. Please don't take it personal.

Thank-you again.
Good bye,
MM

Dear T,

Thanks for replying to my text last night, even though it was very late. It makes me feel supported.
But i am not feeling any better today, and i don't know what to do about it.

Dear T,

I am sorry for pushing you away and told you that i wanted to stop working with you. I sayd that because i felt a shamed of being in a crisis and that i was admitted. I am sorry that i didnt want to talk with you on the phone.
You sayd you will not leave me because you care about me and you think i also care about you. You are right, i do care. Its only to much for me, you seeing me like this....i wish i could be stable again and telling you how good everything is going...

I want to tell you i feel a bit better, i got more energy and eating better i try hard to do my best. I know you know that.

good morning t. you have the most infinite patience that i have ever witnessed in another human being. i don't know how you have such patience with me. but i am thankful and grateful that you do.

They are indeed verbal punching bags. My poor T is trying SO hard right now and I keep freaking out and lashing out at him. I think he is sorted enough in himself to take it, but it doesn't mean I don't want to make amends. Apologising in a healthy way without beating myself up is kind of new for me.

The thing is, he did say something kind of stupid. But I didn't have to react the way I did.

Dear T,

There is no point in therapy for me, I'll never be free of the eating disorder and I know this. Hopeless is an understatement. Thank you for trying. Precious

You're doing great recognizing this! Therapy is a wonderfully accepting place to try out new behaviors and skills so sounds like apologizing in a healthy way could do that. What are you beating yourself up over in this specific instance?

Dear T,

still the silence.

I don't know how to unsnarl this. I should cancel.

He made a joke and I said it was the most stupid thing he had ever said and shouted at him. It was kind of stupid but I way overreacted.

Dear T,

I'm not feeling better. I'm just hiding it better.

Thank you for saying it's okay to use you as a verbal punching bag. It doesn't feel okay, but I guess I do it a lot.

TR

Dear T,
I am doing so much better, and don't want you to worry about me after my horrid text messages on Wednesday. I'd like to text you to say "don't worry, i am alive, i am OK", but i feel like i have bothered you enough already.And i am worried that i am flattering myself by imagining that you may even be worried about me! Maybe you haven't thought about it at all!

Dear T,

Your nice but I don't think we covered much ground work.

Dear T,

I've been remembering some more of what you said to me yesterday and realize that you probably don't buy my bs "I'm doing pretty well" demeanor.

Thanks.

Dear T,
Last session was so stressful that I cut. I haven't done that in over 10yrs. My arms look like hamburger.That's why I really cancelled.

Dear t,
Is it ever going to really get better?