Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear T
why? why? why? why? WHY?

dear pdoc,

i am not ready to let you go yet. you were my first pdoc, my first "mini-t" before a real t came along. even as i had a T, you were somesort of my second T. i know.. you have to go, that it is part of your training. but i'm still not ready. it has been a wonderful ride with you.. throughout all the crisis and good times. i wish i could be able to give you good news often in regards with my wellbeing. i guess an acceptance letter into a university that i recently received would be sufficient happy enough news before you leave me forever...

thank you pdoc. you're my first pdoc and the first person i've opened up to... and you'll be remembered always. and i do hope i was a good case for your training and i wish you all the best in your journey to become a full-fledged pdoc

with that said, i'm still not ready...

- htn

Dear T,

Hey, I was informed that just because you are the type of T, that prescribes meds for all sorts of disorders and illnesses, that it's not always appropriate to do so! WOW!!!

I mean, wow, thousands of dollars spent on an education, a Phd and MD to your name, and for someone that I'd presume is in the field to help people, and there are those in this universe that find that the combination of meds that help people feel better emotionally, is not appropriate.

What you may need to know about me....is my anger simmers. I grit my teeth, shake my head and I'd like to reach out and punch the living daylights out of some people.

I'm sure I've mentioned before that I can get deeply angry.

Well, yesterday, was one of those days, that I needed to exert a tremendous amount of self control. I don't believe the hype.

And I am glad to know, thanks to not just you T, but all the other T's that have been in my life since I was 8 or 9 years old, helped me learn to think things through, how to feel my emotions without losing control of my emotions.

But still....I still feel anger. At least I know how to cope with that emotion on top of all of the other emotions that exist.

I felt insulted for you and everyone else in your field. Along with feeling insulted for myself and everyone else on my side of the equation.

I'm not as uptight as you think I am!

fine, I was smiling because I was happy to see you----but for the love of god, I AM NOT HAPPY.

there, happy?

I think that your dead wife visited me yesterday, in my meditative state. Do you even have a dead wife? I think she knows my H's lovely grandmother, they seem like kindred spirits.

Please call me and tell me it was okay to leave those messages yesterday. I don't want to cross some line and invade your time outside of therapy. I also don't want you to think I'm a totally loony bin. Maybe I am but I don't want you to think so!

My doctor is worried that I'm not making progress in therapy and asked again about going inpatient---I felt protective of YOU. I defended you and the work we are doing. I told him not to blame you, its a "me" problem and that you are doing the best you can. He also said my eating disorder could end up leaving me with a critical medical emergency...I know he was trying to scare me, but now I am feeling afraid and wish it wasn't so long until we meet again.

new t:
i know that you are trying to help, but honestly, i can't focus when all i can think about is old t. i need closure and i am not getting that. i am trying to be good, but i can't.

old t: i wish so much that you would just call me and tell me that it will be ok. even though i know that i am changed forever through this.

pdoc: why don't u call me back. you told me to call you if this happened and things would be straightened out and then you went on vacation (which you didn't tell me about) and now i can't reach you. i need you.

Can you schedule an earlier appointment to talk about it?

Dear T,

Thank you for saying I could direct my anger at you if I wanted. Thing is, I don't know HOW to get angry at anyone but myself.

Aww, thanks for caring. I'm not in immediate medical danger....and T and I have had a lot of contact this week already. I think my T would just get a big grin on his face if he heard I was scared by potential complications from the eating disorder, in fact, I know he would be pleased. I've had this thing for so long the invincibility factor is hard to overcome.

And of course I probably just made it worse by calling and apologizing for calling yesterday. Wow do I annoy myself.

I don't want to make light of your pain at all...so please forgive me if you don't find this funny...

But have you seen the movie Swingers? There is a character in there who tries calling a girl up and not meaning to, ends up leaving her half a dozen voicemails -with each one you just feel worse and worse for the guy because he is coming off all wrong....that's what your situation makes me think of

Dear T, your two weeks leave makes everything confusing. Now i have to find another slot because on the week you come back ill be on vacation!!! Ohwell.. guess I can handle myself for a month without you.

PS: hope your hair is longer by then. Your recent haircut does not suit you to be honest.... ><

- htn

Sent from my crazy phone using Tapatalk 2

Haven't seen the movie and yea, that's how I feel.

I left a message yesterday and got cut off, so I called again and got cut off so I called a 3rd time finished saying what I was saying, probably sounded completely loony and my thoughts were likely all over the place. Then I felt pretty stupid because I never did anything like that before so I called today and left an apology on her voicemail saying I was sorry for leaving so many messages yesterday. Like a 4th message is just what she needed?!

Why does it pain me to know that you received the same pre-recorded phone call I just got - the one from our kids' school district? What a stupid thing to think of as a result of getting a phone call. How do I stop thinking about you every other second?

I dread seeing you tomorrow. I have a wound on my head that is self inflicted and now I am embarrassed about it. I hate myself for doing that. I do that because I hate myself. I don't see any way out of ME.

Dear T,

I know. I know what you were saying tonight. I already know....now what I didn't know was just how much my time is limited by my stupid insurance. That I didn't know. And now I feel all stupid and panicky. Kind of ironic since I seemed to do my best to convince you tonight just how much this whole meeting with you thing isn't making a difference...

T? I'm sorry. You are making more of an impact than I let you know

P.S. and I'm already starting to get mad at you for not being there like I needed you to be tonight. Are you rushing me to fix myself? Are you annoyed with my steps back? Cause I hate to break it to you but this is my annnnnnooooyyyying pattern, T. I'm not that easy to deal with, so there.

Dear new ED t,

Remember how my t said that it was very important that I ask you to work on a plan for how to cope after seeing you because I'm not handling it well at all? Guess what. You still didn't do that today, even after I asked, and I'm crashing again. Now I don't see either of you until Wednesday at the earliest AND possibly starting intensive treatment on Tuesday. Thanks

Dear T,

I'm not ok. I don't know how to be ok. And I don't know if there's anything that can be done to make me ok. I hate me.

Dear T,

Please stop denying everything. I know what you've done. The big secret is out. I want you to tell me the truth. I NEED you to tell me. Haven't you both hurt me enough already? You owe me the truth and a full explanation. I am sick over this. Why do you both want to hurt me so much? Why did YOU do this to me? I've done nothing to deserve this. I want to scream i'm so mad.

Dear T,
I feel so incredibly lucky to have you as my T. Sure, you can annoy me, make me angry and drive me up the wall, but i wouldnt have it any other way.
HT.

dear T,

sometimes i feel like i'm such a drag. that you don't really want to hear my stories. can we just get CBT done and over with? because i'm not a person worth listening to...

- htn