Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

dear t, i want so much to text you right now and ask for an appointment sooner than next week. I don't know why I feel such churning inside right now. We had a great session yesterday, I had some good insights and you helped me feel better about some stuff I shared, I didn't expect to feel this way today, therapy is so hard sometimes, maybe it was the totally bizarre dream I had last night, I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like a big fat mess right now. And it doesn't help that I miss you so dam much at this moment. Why is it so hard to ask for what I need. I did it before, but now I'm finding it impossible to do it again. I want to call in sick today and just climb back in bed and hide under the covers all day.

Dear FM,

I thought those were tears in your eyes today when I handed you your Mother's Day card, and the note pad inside. Then, I was sure when you lifted your glasses to wipe your tears. My heart - was crying tears of joy. Yes, I care about you. You matter to me. Thank you for saying, I'm not your biggest chore, and I am not a chore at all to you. It's your attitude: about people, about your clients, about your profession, and about life that has put me on a fast track for healing. Depression and hatred of self are not life long sentences. One can heal with the right care. You said that is true, no matter what other professional say.

Thank you for agreeing to just hold me tomorrow. And talk, if I want to. It's a gift I'm giving to myself for Mother's Day. My mother is not open to touch based on my Xmas experience. I know that the lack of touch from the one(s) I used to need it from never happened, and that's why I want to be held, and fight you because I don't want to be held or even to be touched. I think those fighting days are over - I hope. We are coming down to the end of our journey, and I know this answered gift (hold me please), may be the only time I can get this as a Mother's Day gift from you to me. Who knew I would ever be able to ask for what I want or need? -you did. You said,if I put my trust in you, life will change for me. You reminded me that I trusted you with my precious child, so do it for myself - I have value, I have worth. I'm glad I did decide to trust you. I now feel I am enough - no matter what.

I love you FM. Thanks for all that you've done for me, and kiddo. See you tomorrow.

Love,

GTGT

Dear T,

I'm still hurting and will never get over what you and SHE have done to me. Did you both think this was some kind of a game, playing with my feelings? I bet you had many laughs over it. Meanwhile, I've been thinking I'm going insane wondering how much does she know? Why would you do this to me? I trusted you and never did anything to hurt you. You know I didn't deserve this.

FM, I'm getting off - getting triggered by misinformation. I know my limits - progress. Yea for me!

Dear T ,

did you really forget I have a huge issue with eating or will you just trying to see my reactions when someone offers me cookie. thank you for hiding them afterwards.I hope you didn't notice that I was all thrown off the rest of the session.

MM

P.S. I am trying to be okay for the next two months it's not really working well and it's only been 1 week.

Dear T,

I'm pretty proud of how well I've coped with the fact you couldn't fit me in for an extra session. And it's given me some important information about how I've related to other people in the past. My instinct is to apologise to you for asking for something you can't give me, so you won't get angry or upset. I can't allow you to be someone who might have disappointed me - not because of how I feel about it, but because of how you feel about it. That seems like it's not the way things should be.

I wish I had moved work stuff round and gone at the time you offered me yesterday. One of the work people let me down and I could have gone, and I felt so gutted, but I guess at least I was able to see that I could cope without the extra session.

Why can't you help me help myself?

I like you, I like how we work together but I walk in and out of that office just as hopeless and stuck with myself as I have always been.

Oh, I haven't solid food in several days but I just lumped that in there with "yeah, behaviors are really bad right now"

I know I told you right at the beginning I don´t like to be touched and not even asking what your policies about it are. But I wonder now......maybe one day I would like you to hug me or something less significant I think about it a lot lately. And the idea is starting to seem not so bad even maybe nice.
But I can´t imagine ever asking for it and you just think I would hate it. I´m stuck

Omg, I'm never going to see you again.

You are the best - for me!

Dear New T,

I don't even know what I want to say. I feel like there is so much and there is NEVER going to be enough time to get there...wherever that is. And can you get me there?

Dear Current T,

Am I going to have two Ts forever since we have so much crap to wrap up?? Somehow I am thinking the answer is yes, which makes me want to scream since you are starting to feel like a roadblock. And that makes me angry.

Dear Ex-T,

You are the REAL roadblock.
Why do I feel like CRAP all the time. Because of you. So thanks for the complete mess you managed to make of things, even if it wasn't intentional. Somehow when I think about you and how sad and depressed I am, I think about you with another patient listening intently, helping them like you used to help me...until you terminated me and dropped me like a hot potato and refused to do anything else.
I hope you still feel guilty sometimes when you are forced to remember, as you have been recently by my current T (who is so completely over your crap and is disappointed that ultimately you are still putting you before me), and I hope some days you feel as bad as I do. It's your damn fault.

Thank you for taking my call this evening for my Dadism (my inability to deal with an irrational human being sharing genes that I had no say in) Why does he feel the need to have power and control over me and my offspring? I called a brother like you suggested, who in turn wanted me to enforce power and control over my kiddo. At least, the brothers are teachable - I think. I only wish I had saved all that extra money I threw around before child, and didn't take a vow of poverty after my divorce. Then I wouldn't need to put my hand out for college tour funds. Dad only effected me intellectually this time, and I'm good.Like I said before I'm good. It was a quick recovery. Soon I will be able to just listen with no effect.

Dear T - Sorry about sending an email. Dumb, I know. Other people use email for connection purposes, but I seem unable to have any kind of connection. Gee, maybe you could help me with this instead of just ignoring the few emails I send????? Believe me, that's the last email I'll ever send you. What's the point if you don't reply???????? Stupid, stupid, stupid

Right now I so want to send you multiple emails every day until our next session on Wed. Ha! I know how you would hate it. You can't stop me from sending it, but you can delete it. Isn't this lovely? I really just want to annoy the crap out of you. The worst you can do is fire me. Go ahead!! Then I won't have to quit.

Sometimes you just piss me off.

Oops. I thought posting here would keep me from sending you another email. No such luck! Apparently I've slipped into self-destruct mode. Oh well, c'est la vie. Not sure there's any r/s to save anyway. You don't give a crap, and neither do I. Maybe tomorrow I'll send another sarcastic email. Given that I only send carefully worded emails every 2 months or so, it should be fun to send you one every night for a week. What will you do???? I'm sure you'll be absolutely appalled. Tough! I assume you know how to use the delete key.

Dear T,

It was hard having these two weeks without a session and I couldn't wait to see you yesterday. Then you said, "I missed you", and I froze. I responded by saying, "Huh?? Ok, yeah, um, it's good to see you ... errrr" but what I meant was, "I missed you too!"

Why couldn't I say it? And why did you say it?? I got suspicious that you didn't really mean it, and that it was some kind of test, or some clever T strategy to make me feel wanted and needed. Probably. You missed me? Why? What did you mean? Did you really miss me? I'm still suspicious. But I'd like to believe that you really did.

Maybe I'll be able to say it next time, but I'm not sure I want you to know ... maybe you'll never say it again, and I've lost that opportunity. Oh well...

SP

I really wish that I could see you sooner, or that I could talk about these things over phone more easily. I'm still really upset over what my pdoc did. I don't agree with her at all, but how am I going to explain this in a way that you'll understand me and see why I'm upset? What if you take her side?

Dear T,

What to say, where to start? I want to be able to be more authentic with you but I'm still struggling to be ok with this type of relationship. Like I said last week - I don't understand how I can find myself so in need of meeting with you and I don't even really know you at all. I mean, I just met you and everything is so one-sided (as it should be) but still, T, I don't like it. I agree that I'm angry at you for being important to me and mad at myself for letting you be so important.

I'm sorry if I put you in impossible situations where anything you do isn't "right" I don't think I could stand watching you leave me behind because I'm so difficult but my defenses are strong. Please believe me that I'm doing the best I can and just need a little more time.

I'm also sorry that I didn't take your suggestion and showed how much I struggle to trust you. You aren't perfect, T, and I don't expect perfection. I am starting to trust you but it's still only *almost*...I hope you don't mind.

I want to crawl in a hole and die. But I can't tell you that because I am never going to talk to you again.

t, i miss you so much my heart hurts. I'm afraid to tell you how much i miss you right now. And I'm sorry.

I think we need to talk more about sexuality and relationships... but it's so difficult for me to talk about this stuff.. I don't know how to even talk about this stuff. But I don't want to be alone forever. I can't keep avoiding all this.

Dear T - You came through

Now I have to eat all the words I said here .... and adjust my attitude.

Looks like I'll be bringing up that difficult subject next session after all ... you blew all my excuses right out of the water .....

Dear T,

Did you con me, or did I manage that all by myself ?

Giving fair warning, you had better come up with the goods tomorrow, or I'll be doing another toddle walker - I haven't got enough years left to piss about with more incompetent Ts.

I meant to ask this at our last session, but could we go to the sand tray room for next week's session? I know you have to schedule it and it may not be available, so I will have to call you at some point this week to ask. I do not like to call you, but I think to text you would be intrusive.

Anne2.0 I hope you get to do the sand tray!

((((Torn)))))
I am keeping my fingers crossed!