Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

dear T,

being a pdoc yourself.. i wonder how would you take it if i revealed i stopped my medication? that i'm tired of all this? that i'm back in another crisis again?

i'm sorry T.. i still don't really trust you.

- htn

Dear T:
Dear Doctor Who Are You, who hides Behind Blue Eyes,
With your accent, wife who works in the same office, I mean seriously who does that anymore?! Why does she stare at me, every time I am in there, like I am threat or something? Well, excuse me, for looking the way I do. Why did you find it appropriate to have my last appointment interrupted by another doctor, a female one, no less, who isn't even your wife, to ask what you thought about a funny little e-mail? And those around, wonder why I stopped treatment with you?
Yeah, the eye gazing. The 'What honor do I bestow your presence in my office', the asking me, 'what do you do for birth control?' in front of my then husband? The 'well, if you'd only changed your first name, you'd be harder to find' comment when I was setting up my next appointment. The let me see those site reactions. The flashing of your wedding band, on your hand, during a routine check up, on my thigh.
Why am I eerily reminiscent of a time in my life 16 years ago, when I am in your presence? I did give out the wrong name, that night of dancing with my friends on a certain March holiday. Why is that guys name, the same as your first name? Is that why she stares and seems to gossip with the other office staff?
(Yes, T, I have things I'd love to share with you, these are just some of them, and funny, it's not even about you, T)
Why T, do I sometimes feel, well watched or followed? T, why did he slam the door in my face, that time I was going to your appointment? Why did I want to cry, but held back?
Why T, did you say, "People Lie", when I was in tears telling you about that online emotional affair that I had and he wouldn't even come to meet me in person?
Dear T, is there something I need to be aware of, if I were to ever share this with you?

I'm really sorry, Anne, I didn't mean it that way at all. I actually wasn't thinking of slam, in this context, as a bad thing, just like maybe, come on ultramar, not a good idea to do x, which I would get.

I'm sorry it came off that way, and you're right, I shouldn't have brought you into it.

Thanks for understanding it from my perspective. No lingering bad feelings from my side of the fence.

I don't have a therapist yet, but no one see's what's wrong or that I am slowly losing sanity. I have secluded myself in a world of awful thoughts but the only concern seems to be my brothers wreckless driving ticket. I don't know where I went wrong but I am not very happy anymore and no one seems to notice and I'm not going to say anything. All I want back is my sanity and happiness.

I really need you to push me more to tell you who the person who hurt me is. I feel like I can't just say it.

Can you guys who are fighting take the talk somewhere else?

Dear T,

Why aren't you jumping all over this?! I kinda hoped we could talk... I've been feeling queasy with anxiety all week. Meditation didn't do much to help, either, I spent most of my time there trying to convince myself I wasn't going to throw up. Then I cried. I am struggling somewhat. I'm hoping that this girl will see the me who has been doing better, not the queasy anxious mess. I'm scared I'll blow it.

You encouraged me (thrice) to contact you, but you haven't replied. I guess I have to learn you aren't always going to be there, no matter what is happening for me? I guess I wasn't clear about my need in my message, to be fair.. and I thought about calling you today, but stopped short. Maybe I should just deal with this on my own. I can't help but wonder if you're tightening boundaries again, after last week, and I just can't even go there with reaching out to you right now.

I haven't responded to your email yet, and I don't know if I will. I feel suspended in this strange in between place. I feel compelled to try to forget that you ever existed. But I don't really see that ever happening

Dear T,

I told you I wanted to keep certain issues out of our sessions and I meant it! I told you straight away because I worried I'm not strong enough to not let them seep in....and now they've come into therapy and its ruining things I hate this problem, T. And you're sweet to think you can help somehow but I'm telling you, you CANNOT help me with this. It's impossible. I told you it doesn't matter anyway and you disagreed. That's a nice T thing to say, but the fact is it does NOT matter Either way, I'm screwed.

I'm not sure what I want from you and I guess that's at the heart of why I fear you sending me away. I guess I want someone to care. Do you?

I wouldn't characterize it as a fight, but whatever it was it ended/people moved on, hours ago. Sorry that it bothered you, I can understand how it would bother some people.

Just felt bad since it seemed to take away the focus and point of this thread. I won't comment about it again. Glad everything got sorted.

Dear pdoc,

Thank you for responding to my message. I'm not thrilled about the options you suggested. But I guess I probably wouldn't be too thrilled about any medication options you threw out there.

You also didn't comment on the fact that I apologized for my exT getting you involved in all of this stupid drama. I'll take that to mean...that it's not that big of a deal? That you have more important things going on? That you were responding quickly? Regardless, I'm feeling a bit too humiliated to see you in person right now.

Dear T,
I feel like I can't trust you and I can't be honest with you. I feel like you don't believe me at all and so does everyone else out there. I want to be able to tell you how I think people around me are all plotting to get me and I'm hearing people laughing at me all the time. I bet you think this sounds real stupid and you're going to laugh at me. I can't describe or write down how it all feels so real to me. How do I know that I can trust you and you're not the same as everybody elseo out there? I really want this to work. I really do...

dear t,

here's me hoping that our session would go smoothly tomorrow. and then it's byebye to you for 3 weeks as you go on leave.

- htn

What is wrong with me. Please don´t read the text I just send you. I am a bit tipsy and can´t believe I just wrote that. I must be the perfect example of an extremely mental person. Can´t believe it! In a text! I have lost my mind completely!

Dear T,

I'm really happy that you asked if I wanted an extra session again this week. I always feel like I'm annoying you when I ask, so it was a big deal that you offered. It means your break will be a teensy bit shorter, and I'm glad as I really don't feel we got to a place where I'm ready for the break, not today.

Dear T,
I really appreciate your support today, and i am sorry if you were hurt or upset with what i said, i didnt mean it, i just said it to provoke a reaction. I'm so sorry

Me again. I responded to your email, though not with the polemic I had initially written. Still, I think my anger probably came through pretty clearly. I was aiming for distant, yet respectful. Who knows if I achieved that aim. What I do know is that now I'm quivering with anxiety at the thought of you responding. And also the thought of you not responding. It was almost easier when I was just ignoring you. Why couldn't I leave well enough alone?

I'm really not okay right now and I need to talk about it, not waste time having a family session.

Do other clients really let you get away with that sort of thing? Blaming them for what you did? You were distracted. Not I thought you were - you were. You admitted it. It is not now I thought something. I am not taking the blame for not wanting your effing dog there.

Dear T,

I am sorry I emailed you. I am also sorry I ever told you anything. No, you didn't do anything WRONG, I just prefer not to share things with people. It's the best way I know to keep myself from feeling annoying, overbearing, and clingy.

Not sure why I sent today's email after feeling pretty stupid about the email last week. I won't continue to compound the error by sending any more emails. I promise I am done. You shouldn't have to deal with that.

Please forget anything I've ever said. I don't want to talk to you or pdoc anymore. I'm happier on my own. Thanks.

I'm sorry I keep clamming up on you. I'm trying. I really am.

I'm afraid I have pushed your limits. I'm sorry I am a bother. Do you see what I mean about my mom? I don't know if I'm ready for change, because I feel like I need more support through it, but I don't feel like I can ask you for it... please hate me? It would make this all much easier. Please yell at me and be everything I fear/expect so I can affirm all the fears in my head... I really am that broken.

Why would you say I was "blamed" by my mother for her not having nice pics of me? She was just stating a fact that all she had were the goofy pics. I was not the "scape goat" in my family and infact had a very normal childhood and typical teenage issues with my mother. So there