It was worth revisiting that past session!

So much happened today in my session. I asked about my diagnosis and she wasn't too clear because she doesn't like diagnoses, but she sort of agrees with some kind of trauma diagnosis. I asked her "yes or no", do you think my brother abused me, and she again "sort of" said "yes". She asked what I thought. We both definitely think the spying in the shower was abuse. She thinks my upbringing and childhood were not "awful" but the things that happened were trauma, and affected me.

We talked about art and my newest painting that she liked very much! So do I! We talked about my birthday and how it was enjoyable this year. She asked me how I know that I like my painting--where in my body do I feel it. That was interesting.

Then I started about the sexual stuff and that session. She remembered it as I knew she would. She admitted that it may have been "her stuff" when I said she was mean, and it didn't seem like her normal way of talking to me. She may have been triggered, she said, and she apologized!!! I told her I felt like I had poison inside of me.

Then we got to talking about my shame, and how I felt she was seeing inside of me, and how I was ashamed to have those kinds of feelings. She said that she cannot see inside of me. She also said it's not in my control when I have sexual feelings, and of course she said she's not judging me. She also does believe me that holding her hand never felt sexual.

We talked some about my brother, then she brought out some rope to do an exercise about boundaries. I put the rope around me on the floor where I thought my circle was, where no one could go past that circle without my permission. She said my brother went inside it without my permission. I said it felt like SHE did it, at that session. I felt awkward. We both sat on the floor and she had me tap on my arms. I felt weird, dizzy, and shaky so she gave me peppermint oil to smell. I'm not sure why I felt that way. I'm off the zoloft and still feel jittery, though not as much. The shakiness was from the topic of the session.

It was hard. She said SE is good for me but it is slow. I said it seems like EMDR, and that I read online how they're alike. She said, yes, but SE is slower and that's why it's better for me.

This is for emptyspace: My T said I am NOT just her job and she is not doing it just for the money. I said maybe I'm in denial about that and she said, no, I'm not! So, you can believe her or not, but I choose to believe her because I trust her.

She says I worked very hard today even though I said it didn't feel like we accomplished very much. This subject is all tied up with body feelings, shame and anatomy words. Other than attachment issues, it's my biggest issue to work on. Someone can be in T for years, but revist the same issues in a deeper or different way. That's happening to me.

For hankster: T said we can do SE about my "broken" finger but she doesn't think my parents were abusive for not taking me to the dr. She said if it had been terrible pain, I would have told them, and they would have done something about it. I didn't know it wasn't going to heal by itself. I didn't want to bother my mother about it, or maybe I did and it didn't look so bad. I don't remember. So, T agrees with you that my past wasn't a bed of roses, but she also agrees with me that on a scale, I was at the low end of having an abusive past or terrible trauma growing up. It was trauma and affected me. Guess I have to accept that. More to work on in therapy. It's complicated.

I think, Rainbow, that this is such a divergence from the black&white thinking that you acknowledge you typically engage in, that I'd like you to take a moment and be impressed with yourself. This is a very nuanced way of looking at your past, it feel emotionally real to me without being all henny-penny about the impact on you, and I think it was brave of you to ask your T these questions.

Hi Rainbow,
Sounds like a difficult but good session. I'm glad you can see that you did have some trauma in your past. I think trauma is trauma and comparing yourself to others isn't helpful. The good news is that you're working through it. I totally agree with you about revisiting issues in therapy in a new and deeper way. I hope to find all good ts since I experienced what works for me so well with VMT T, so I can continue to do the same.
Love the pepermint oil, except I would have wanted to eat it LOL! Reminds me of making homemade scented playdough, yay!
The rope thing was interesting, more like experienceing where your boundaries are rather than just talking about it. Dance therapy t had a stretchy rope that I guess could be used for the same kind of thing, thoough we did more stuff with each of us holding an end of the rope and moving it in different ways. It was just cool.
And I'm glad you had a good birthday this year and love your painting.

Rainbow.... I appreciate you sharing...

Thanks for sharing this Rainbow-the rope exercise about the boundaries sounds good (scary and made ya shaky possibly) but productive : )

.
Your T cares, but it is a job. Your T has to say "she cares" because if she didn't WOULD YOU STAY? Your T goes home to her husband and children and closes the door on her job. She has to, to not burn out! She goes home to her mutual relationships.

Have you ever read blogs by therapists? Here is an example:
"But let’s be honest. It is a one-sided relationship. They may leave a session feeling better than ever, and I am fulfilled knowing together we worked hard, but while they may ponder our work well after the session is over, I am completely focused on my next client. I think 100% of my clients would tell you that not only do I like them, but that I like them best. And for that 45-50 minute session, I do." Therapist Finder Blog | Does Your Therapist Like You? One Therapist's Perspective

Rainbow, as long as you continue to live in your dream-world, thinking that your T is going to fulfill your needs, you will never get better.

When you wanted your T to be in a similar relationship with you, as that 5-year old sexually abused child (Shiela) with her teacher, and kept forcing it on your T, it gave a good insight into your lack of sensitivity for others. Trying to force your T to read the book so that you could have what that little girl had. That child suffered greatly (for those did not read the book) and deserved everything she received from her teacher... but guess what, she grew up and moved on.
Did you read the other books?

From PC:
For a therapist to reveal that he or she likes you is tricky business because it may not be welcome information to the client. If a client’s history is one of being betrayed by someone who says he likes her, then hurts or abuses her in some way, then the therapist may be doing more harm than good. Alternately, it may be fostering a type of dependence on the relationship that can be difficult down the road. That is why most therapists keep their own feelings and reactions in check so as not to upset the delicate balance and safety required of therapy.

I frequently wonder if she is a good T. She switches techniques as soon as she learns a new one, she breaks her own boundaries increasing YOUR confusion and attachment difficulties, and she has limited capacity to get you to grow up. In fact, her counter-transference reaction might be to you as a "mother"...based on some of her responses. (Would explain the birthday email)


Your husband is aging, your kids are aging, your friends are aging.
May not be much time left to "improve/fix" those relationships... do you really want to have regrets about the people that "mattered"....?

You are not 20 or 30 years old trying to "figure" out your life or how to make it in the world. You got educated, got married, had children, had friends, had a job, got a house, have grandchildren...... Look at that life!

Imagine you get demenia....do you think your T is going to come and visit, read a book, talk to you, care for you, be there to hold your hand? No....
It's going to be one of the people listed above. Your husband shows anger because you spend more pleasant "feelings" on your T than on your family.
It's the end of his life too....

You used to anger me and trigger me. I saw you as a selfish, "abuser" who constantly tries to justify your actions and behaviors.
A person who didn't care about others, only what YOU wanted.

Now, I just feel sorry for you. Because you will never get "it." ... (and dont want to)

I don't have 1/1000th of what you have..... but I get "it"...

...so someday with the help of therapy as a vehicle for growth and change, I might get 1/2 of what you and others have...and I sure as hell won't waste it away paying for a relationship that is not mutual, that is not based on giving and taking, and not based on sharing lives between 2 people. (That is the T relationship - it's one-sided, not mutual, not based on 2-people sharing, based on payment as part of the job, and based alot on transference which masks the true situation)


You can't see what is right in front of you.. and that is so sad.
Good luck Rainbow. I hope you "get it" before the end of your life.

I am glad it was a good appointment for you today R.

I'm not going to defend myself or my T to you, emptyspace. It's not helpful for either of us. Your feelings are yours, and mine are mine. Peace and happiness to you. I hope you find answers in your own life so you can stop criticizing mine. I really do.

This was a perfect example. All you focused on was your T.

I spent alot of that post focusing on your real-life family and friends and the reality of the stage of life. Exactly what you can't see.

I criticize your life because you open your life to the world... for how many years? Same thing for years.
Did you ever wonder why people stop responding to you over all these years, and most of the ones that do are younger and newer, until they disappear too?

I wish I was your T, I would make a fortune.

Hi Rainbow and everyone,
I second what Rainbow just wrote! I think that emptyspace, all of what you posted says more about you, your own feelings about the t relationship, your own regrets and trigers than anything else. And yes, I too hope that you do explore this int if it's something that you feel you should do, as I think it could be helpful, as it's helpful for everyone to explore what trigers them as hard as that is at times!

I don´t see it as an individual reaction. These threads tend to have a lot of reactions. It´s just a matter of people wanting to respond or sort of give up/stay to give support.

I CAN see it. I love my family but I figured you'd find a way to tell me I don't. I have friends and family whom I see and interact with. I'm sorry you don't believe me. What do you want from me? People do NOT stop responding to me over the years. Why are YOU so interested in my life, anyway? Why don't you focus on your own? It is NOT the same thing for years. I wish you'd stop IT, AND LET ME ALONE. I try to be nice to you but I've had it!!!! Please stop making me defensive. This thread was about my session about shame yet you just write about how I never change.

My T is not making a fortune on me. I don't know where you get your ideas from. You are not following PC's rules.

Actually, it does not say much about my T relationship. The fact that I state that the T-relationship is a vehicle for change and growth is the idea behind therapy. The idea is not to stay in for 18-20 years trying to seduce a T or get a T to fulfill your perceived needs. Read anything about being a T and basically "A T's job is work her/himself out of business."

In fact, before I moved, I had the "dream T-relationship," that many of you wish, but I am also young, not been in T long, and want to improve my life, not make T my friend. I grew from that relationship, etc.

My regrets?.. again not really, because you don't know anything about me.
I do regret that others who were selfish, only cared about themselves, have no boundaries, or use excuses to justify their behaviors did to my life.

Adel, you have only been around for a short time, so perhaps you should wait some time before bringing assumptions about someone who you don't know well from posting, PMing, etc.

Because you write about it in details, on a public online forum? Week after week... Just a suggestion.

YOU included me in your post. If you had not directly mentioned my name, I probably would have ignored you.

Therapy for 18 years:
Weekly copay of $20 and assuming 50 weeks per year = $18,000 in therapy. But wait, that does not include insurance = $40 more per session: $36,000

So.....18 years = $54,000.

About $3,000 a year.
Yeah, right. No fortune. . I would refer you to the next therapist.

Rainbow, you know it is the same thing for years. Just with a different T's who were less likely to give in to your pressures to get your needs met.

I am not interested in your life.
I think that some people need to offer a different view on your behaviors, your excuses for your behaviors, and your lack of therapeutic growth.

Actually you would make a great case study! Hmmm.... thanks!

last post so i don't give a ****


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

i'm gonna pee

bye

Ok, all I'm gonna say is this:
1. "Healing is always two-sided."-- from A Shining afliction: by Annie Rogers, (a psychotherapy case study book, I highly recommend and I think speaks to this subject).
2. While I don't know emptyspace well I do know Rainbow both from posts here and PMS etc. We've become good friends. I don't believe others from 2009 when she joined have stopped responding. I have read some posts from back then as I said in one of my own threads. I can think of several people from back then or a little after who have continued to respond, and see the progress Rainbow is making, how she's being very honest about where she still needs to work and where she and her t think she's doing well.
This thing about hearing the same thing week after week... does this mean it's not safe to post honestly about the ups and downs of therapy week after week for as long as we're in therapy? It's the type of attitude that makes me feel unsafe here... like I'll be judged if I say the same thing for too long or don't change a pattern that you (not a t by the way,) feel I or anyone else should.
And I agree with Rainbow. You're not following PC's rules.I really wish you'd focus on your own life, or at least how your judgments and general attitude affect others. I honestly don't want this thread to turn into another fighting zone, but had to say what was on my mind. At least this time I think I was less angry (smile)
Good job again today Rainbow.

Are you guys? ( in the way a member is being picked out and openly addressed nagatively too...)

Oh Adel.....

Friend? You are going to be a therapist? ......You are 40 years younger?

You are going to be a therapist..... You are 40 years younger.....

Don't let reality cloud your view......

I really wish you would focus on your own life or maybe stop getting involved in areas that do not involve you (amazing soon after Rainbow posts and then as soon as you post, she thanks you?)

Maybe you and Rainbow should consider how your posts affect others, too? There are many people who seem to be bothered by Rainbow's posts at different times. Maybe Rainbow should consider how her lack of respect for boundaries and then her excuses to justify her behaviors impact others.

Now, how did you read those posts from 2009?

Rainbow's posts only go back to 2013...... 8 pages?

Hmm......

I think it's time to remember this is a forum to offer support and respectful opinions.

I want to stop in and offer my support to Rainbow.

It's great that you had a productive session. I hope you continue on your healing path.

Thank you very much, Anne. I am trying so hard to work on my issues. Having that noticed means a lot to me. T is trying to build up my Self but it's still kind of wobbly and vulnerable! I'm seeing how all of my yucky feelings, and even my feelings about my T, aren't shameful but are giving me useful information. You're right. My past had some trauma in it. I have to trust my T. Writing that hurts a lot.

ES: I don't know where you heard that I was gonna be a therapist. I said in one of my threads that I have a BS in counseling psych, and at this moment don't know if or how I'll use it in life-- besides that I feel it was a very worthwhile experience to go to college and learn more about psychology as it's a big interest of mine. Rainbow is a friend and so yes this concerns me. I try very hard to be respectful on here, especially after the last time I got so angry and just took it out on everyone. But it's difficult when people say things that I feel are just plain mean and keep doing it and doing it even when others say to stop.
And I'm not gonna tell you how I read those posts. I wouldn't want you getting even more info to prove your case against anyone on here.
Oh, and Hi Brightheart!

I am just calling them like I see them, Rainbow. I think the next step in your healing might be to respond differently to the inevitable same kinds of posts. I'd like to see you move towards accepting that some people will always have the same negative response to you and that while you can acknowledge that everyone has a right to think and post what they want, you don't have to engage with them. Or, rather, that it's not productive for you to engage with them. Let it go, and let go of the desire to change them or get them to see what you believe. You can still hold on to your truth no matter what anyone else says, as it belongs to you, and it doesn't change no matter what someone posts in response to your experiences.

I think on trauma-- that many of the good trauma people that I have known, and much of the professional literature, sees borderline behavior and BPD as primarily a response to unresolved trauma. The good news there is that resolving the trauma, acknowledging it happened, dealing with its effects, offers real promise for healing. I see you on the cusp of that. I am sorry that you had to grow up with these experiences, but I think by putting them out there in the open (including here), you are on your way to a better place. Keep moving