[tinyrabbit]

There are things I can't imagine ever telling my T. The odd thing I've posted on here, and lots I haven't. Rationally I know he could help, that he could make me feel better and not worse. But I can't shake the belief that he'll think: "How can she talk about that?" That he'll think badly of me for telling him.

I told him one really difficult thing when I was in a total crisis and, even though he was brilliant, I still convinced myself he thought badly of me for telling. I imagined him thinking: "If that really happened and she really has just remembered it, she wouldn't be telling me."

I tell other people to talk to their Ts about things, but I can't picture telling him, having him know, some things, without me having to crawl into a hole in the ground. I don't want to tell him now, but I also don't want to spend years and years in therapy not telling him, while it eats away inside me.

How do you tell your T that there's stuff you can't tell yet? Is there any way to do that? How do you believe that they don't think badly of you?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

But I can't shake the belief that he'll think: "How can she talk about that?" That he'll think badly of me for telling him.

I still convinced myself he thought badly of me for telling. I imagined him thinking: "If that really happened and she really has just remembered it, she wouldn't be telling me."

I can't picture telling him, having him know, some things, without me having to crawl into a hole in the ground.

These ^ are all pretty normal reactions to telling. Going through the process and working through it is how you get to the other side. Maybe tell him this stuff first?

[stopdog]

I don't worry much about whether the therapist thinks badly of me. I don't think I am the most unusual or whatever client they have seen and I just am not all that interesting. My problem with it is, I don't see what the woman could do that would help nor believe she can help at all. I tell her things, and it does not help. I think you may be ahead of the ball game if you actually believe the therapist can help. Telling them things then may happen a pace you can handle.

[MonroeTree]

I have a few very personal, very embarrassing things that I never thought I'd tell my T. Well now we are getting into some of my issues that directly butt up against these secrets.

These secrets have been eating away at me from the first time I stepped into therapy. How could I truly seek help if I am not willing to present the truth to my T?

After last session I convinced myself that I just have to come clean and tell her. I had peace with this at first, but now I am really scared. Ultimately I know that my T has committed to not judge me and I really trust that she is capable of being understanding & not looking down on me. I am ready to go down that scary road with her because I need to in order to make progress, but I know it won't be easy.

I think if you place a lot of importance on the stuff you are keeping from your T you should work towards eventually telling them. They are there to help you, not to judge you. I know that is way easier said than done though!

[precious things]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't worry much about whether the therapist thinks badly of me. I don't think I am the most unusual or whatever client they have seen and I just am not all that interesting. My problem with it is, I don't see what the woman could do that would help nor believe she can help at all. I tell her things, and it does not help. I think you may be ahead of the ball game if you actually believe the therapist can help. Telling them things then may happen a pace you can handle.

You struck straight to the heart of what I grapple with....is the healing in the catharsis of sharing or do T's actually work you through it...

[tinyrabbit]

With the thing I told him, sharing was no way a catharsis in itself. I was in a total state, crying and shaking and freaking out.

What helped was the way he handled it, the things he said. He made it okay. But the other stuff is worse, so I don't believe he can do that, however irrational that sounds.

[content30]

Well, I think for me, I started by sharing the small things. She handled that well and helped me navigate through all of that. Then, I hinted about some other things...I guess you could say I described an element of it but not the big picture. The things were eating away at me and ruining everything. So, one day I decided I had to tell her...needed to tell her. I called her and she had no openings. So, I had to wait several days until my next appt. at that time, I told her on the phone that I really needed to tell her something and asked her not to let me come in and not tell her, since I knew I'd be scared. Like you said, telling her did not provide complete immediate release. I was embarrassed, hyper-emotional, in utter turmoil! On a scale of 1-10, I'd give her an 11 on how she handled it. She mostly listened, empathized, showed emotion at all the right times, and asked me very few questions. Then, we began to unpack it over the next several sessions. In the end, I cannot even begin to tell you how much better I feel because I made the decision to tell her and because she handled it expertly. The combination of those two things afforded me healing I couldn't have even fathomed.

If your T handled the other thing well, I can only assume that T will handle other things well. I really encourage you to get it out there. Unfortunately it's not like you can usually wade into these sorts of things. You have to make a decision to just dive in head-first. I wrote a similar post yesterday and also added that my only regret was that I did not tell my T sooner.

I'll also add to my Ts credit, that she knew my personality and issues surrounding my image and perfectionism. She let me know that she did not think any less of me...that she thought highly of me for being able to share everything, etc. . That meant a lot to me and went really far.

If you can't bring yourself to tell him more now, then perhaps you can start by telling him that it is hard for you to say some things because you don't want him to think poorly of you. That might be a great place to start. Good luck! I hope you can tell him soon, work through those things and find a release....

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by content30

If you can't bring yourself to tell him more now, then perhaps you can start by telling him that it is hard for you to say some things because you don't want him to think poorly of you. That might be a great place to start.

This is a great idea, I've suggested it to others but can't see clearly when it's me! Thanks for your post. I'm glad you managed to talk to your T and it was handled so well.

[rainbow8]

The way I got through telling my T shameful stuff is by continually asking for her reassurance. I don't know how many times I asked: "Is it all right to talk about this? Is it TMI? Do you still like me?"

She always says "nothing is TMI. I'm not going to judge you. We'll just be curious about it. I'm glad you could share that. Tell your parts you're grateful to them. Nothing you write in an email is going to change that fact that I like you very much."

Her reassurance and the way she handles what I tell her, makes it all right. I still struggle with wondering what she REALLY thinks, but I trust her 100% in telling her what I consider TMI, as I posted in WePow's thread.

I also have started by saying "I don't know if I can say this." Talking about not being able to talk. Also, because we do somatic experiencing, my T will calm me down by asking me where and what do I feel in my body when I can't tell her something, and get me to calm down first.

She has also thanked me for being honest. Most of us are ashamed of stuff, and that's why we're in therapy. Our Ts know that, and that's why they are Ts. It's why sometimes it's good to think "we are their job" because they aren't going to be disgusted with whatever garbage we come up with!

[tinyrabbit]

The crazy thing is I tell other posters that it's okay to talk and share, but I can't apply that to myself. I am so convinced my T thinks badly of me for talking to him and disclosing things!

I think I need to start by having a chat with my T about whether he's heard it all, whether there's anything I can't tell him, and whether he will think badly of me for disclosing things.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I think I need to start by having a chat with my T about whether he's heard it all, whether there's anything I can't tell him, and whether he will think badly of me for disclosing things.

I'd put money on his answers being: He has. There isn't. He won't.

But I get those feelings, too. There was one thing I needed to tell him, because it was causing me much anguish. I kept putting it off and I finally called him and left a message asking him to please push me to tell him something. He did (very gently) and I was finally able to talk about it. And he doesn't think any less of me.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

The crazy thing is I tell other posters that it's okay to talk and share, but I can't apply that to myself. I am so convinced my T thinks badly of me for talking to him and disclosing things!

I think I need to start by having a chat with my T about whether he's heard it all, whether there's anything I can't tell him, and whether he will think badly of me for disclosing things.

Yes, I think it's a good idea to talk about the above. None of my former Ts ever told me that nothing is TMI. Not that I asked; I was too afraid to even discuss my NOT telling them things. Coming right out and asking her and hearing her reassuring voice tell me "Nothing is TMI" was what I needed to hear. I'm sure your T will give you the 'right' answers to your questions!

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by critterlady

I'd put money on his answers being: He has. There isn't. He won't.

But I get those feelings, too. There was one thing I needed to tell him, because it was causing me much anguish. I kept putting it off and I finally called him and left a message asking him to please push me to tell him something. He did (very gently) and I was finally able to talk about it. And he doesn't think any less of me.

If it wasn't me, I'd put money on that, too. I can see how ridiculous my thinking is, but I still feel like it's the truth, because it's me. I guess I need to tell him this. I have T on Tuesday and am just going to have a general chat about telling him difficult stuff.

Thanks to everyone who has responded.

[NOS-NOS]

Luckily for me, the things I wouldn't tell are for the most part minor in the grand scheme of things.

[archipelago]

For one thing, it is very commonly known that people actively lie to their therapists, not to mention not being able to get into things that are difficult. Therapy is a process so it will change like anything else, even more so because it is designed to be flexible with whatever "truth" is present. And therapists all know this and do not keep tabs on white lies or avoidances. They are willing to accept whatever comes to them and respond to that, knowing full well that people are all different and have different feelings about how revealing they want to be.

It is also quite well known that shame or feelings that you might be judged or even somehow rejected by saying something to a therapist is also part of the process. If it is bothering you, and you want relief by saying something, then don't worry about what the therapist might think. You are there not to make friends or impress anyone. You are there to tell your subjective experiences and the closer you get to the truth of them the better off you will be. Plus I really doubt that a therapist hasn't heard a great deal of all kinds of things so will probably not be surprised or reactive as you might think. Holding yourself back when you actually feel it would not be good for you could be addressed on its own in a session. You might find that it comes from certain things that you are not completely aware of and that might help you without actually going into the details. Then you can decide after such things are worked out.

Therapy is also limited by time constraints, so that the full truth could never really be explored in detail. Some things have to be left out. It's just the practical reality of time and the constraints of the relationship, where unlike a friendship or something else, you simply can't just have the therapist available all the time. Instead each session has to take up an issue or two or three and that's about all. The therapist isn't a magician and isn't a judge. The therapist is there to listen and understanding, use whatever training and approaches learned to help you. And people don't go into the profession unless they want to help. It doesn't pay like other professions and is quite demanding of the person. So therapists are generally there because they've made certain choices that are all about helping others and not about their own needs. Put the needs of your therapist aside. The relationship is important, but it is for you, not the therapist, so in a sense is unlike all other relationships.

[Mike_J]

I'm not sure if my therapist likes me or not, I would like to believe that she does. She hasn't dropped me as a patient so I guess that says something.

The way I forced myself to tell her a few very embarrassing things was to sort of "paint myself in a corner" asked her some questions that led her to wonder why I was asking and this led her to realize there was something I was trying to say but wasn't afraid/unable to do it.

[stopdog]

The things I do and don't tell are so pointless and minor it cannot possibly matter one way or the other. I am bothered that the stuff I am bothered by is so minor and because it would not phase normal people.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by iota

For one thing, it is very commonly known that people actively lie to their therapists, not to mention not being able to get into things that are difficult. Therapy is a process so it will change like anything else, even more so because it is designed to be flexible with whatever "truth" is present. And therapists all know this and do not keep tabs on white lies or avoidances.

Definitely agree with this. I told my T I'd lied about something in the past, then realised it was actually true, and I'd protected myself by believing I lied, and he said he didn't think truth was so clear-cut anyway, that there can be degrees of truth.

Originally Posted by iota

The relationship is important, but it is for you, not the therapist, so in a sense is unlike all other relationships.

Very good point, thank you.

[Nightlight]

I found that I tested out how much I could say. I gradually said things that were more shame inducing and difficult to say, and T reacted the same as she always does. She accepted me and understood. She really didn't change her opinion of me and never treated me differently because of what I'd said. It made it just a fraction easier to say then next thing, and then the next.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

How do you tell your T that there's stuff you can't tell yet? Is there any way to do that? How do you believe that they don't think badly of you?

A couple of years ago I found the courage to divulge to T. I called it the Big Disclosure. T knew I had something to share and we worked for weeks preparing for it. It was very very tough.

The day after the disclosure, I was feeling so ashamed and so appalled that I had confided in her. I left her a voicemail telling her I could never see her again. I said that I KNEW she was disgusted with me since I made that disclosure. I said that it would be impossible for me to face her again. I told her I quit therapy because there could be no way for me to let her look at me again.

I was absolutely distraught.

But, you know what, I got through it. My T provided solid support - compassion, non-judgmental reassurance. Her steadiness allowed me to process something very painful.

So, how to do it? For me it was charging through - even though it took weeks of preparation. My T asked me what she could do to make it easier. We talked about how I could be made more comfortable. I thought to myself what I needed before I divulged.

I decided I needed to sit on floor to talk about it. I decided I needed a double session so that I wouldn't feel rushed. I decided that an agreement had to be made where there could be plenty of silence - where she wouldn't make any comments. And on and on....

It was tough. The aftermath was brutal. But that pain did not last and it brought the therapy forward in a quicker way. If I had have held back for more months or years I would still be stalled out. I am very happy I was given the courage to press forward.

Yes, it's scary... but it's worth it.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks for your replies - skysblue I'm glad you got through it. I like to sit on the floor in T as it makes me feel more contained.

[EllieBear]

I told my T a MAJOR thing today, finally, after 6 years of telling her I didn't remember. I had to stop and ask her several times if she hated me, or if she was mad at me, or if she thought I was bad. I told her I didn't want to say it because it was bad, and she reasurred me she'd heard a lot of bad stuff and it was ok to tell her. So I guess what I learned was that being open with her about all the fears and shame and thoughts I was having in the moment, while I was trying to tell her, allowed her to provide the exact reassurances I needed to say it. Usually I sit there quietly, trying to "make" myself say it. I try to put it in a nice neat package and only say what I have to say. When I just started talking, and told her not only the experience from my past, but how I was experiencing talking about it now, it was easier to keep talking and not get so stuck in the shame. I don't know if that makes sense, but it helped me.

[tinyrabbit]

It made perfect sense. I'm glad you were able to talk.

[DFL678]

I have this exact thing. What really frustrates me is things I get a huge mental block about saying aren't typically that big in the scheme of things. Tinyrabbit, one thing I saw you post on and then delete was about retreating into fantasy. I've done this a lot since childhood. It's changed over the years, but never gone away. What's really embarrassing is that, over the last several months, I've basically developed an imaginary friend. I'm going to write down an outline of what I want to say and take it with me to therapy this week. I've been dreading this all week, but I know I need to explore this area of my life with my T.

[CantExplain]

Here's a technique that sometimes works for me:
"I'm afraid to tell you that I'm a werewolf"