switching Ts

I don't know how to make this not long and convoluted, but I'll try. I've been seeing the same T for nearly six years (on and off). We've been through a lot o ****, including the birth of my second child, my near divorce, several bouts of intensely suicidal depression. And some raging transferential storms. I love her and I've been terrifically hurt by her. I've thought about leaving any number of times over the years, especially in the last year.

Late last year I finally decided I needed to consult with another T, because I stopped being able to make heads or tails of my relationship with my T. I know I was projecting all kinds of **** onto her, and wanting her to love me, which she essentially told me she couldn't do and I needed to stop asking her about it. My emotions were making me crazy. I would go see her and just sob through entire sessions. And I am NOT a crier. I felt like I was losing my mind.

I consulted a new T, with expertise in postpartum depression, which I was experiencing at the time. I told my T about the consultation. I really, really liked the new T right off the bat. I ended up seeing her every few weeks, and continue to do so. I've elected not to tell my T about the ongoing sessions with newT.

During my last session with new T, she basically told me all kinds of things that I had literally waited years to hear from my T (and never did). Nothing inappropriate, and nothing promising more than what is possible within the T relationship. I know that my T's unwillingness to say some things (like whether she loves or misses me - and I wanted to know the answer yes or no) is part of her style and/or her personality. I can accept that now, I think.

NewT is very willing to self-disclose her reactions to me, and I feel like I've learned more from her in several months than I have from my T in years. It seems like the obvious thing to do would be to switch Ts. But I can't seem to get myself to leave my current T.

I suspect the first step would be to fess up to T that I've been seeing someone else too, but I've not yet been able to do so.

If you've made it this far, thank you! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Your new T sounds like a much better fit but I understand your dilemma. I saw my former T for almost 7 years and found it very difficult to break away from her because of my feelings for her. Does your "new T" know about your other one and how long you've been seeing her? Since you have a good connection with her I think that logically, she would be the one to help you in your decision and suggest how to go about it.

I know that when I started seeing my current T, I realized that I made the correct decision for me. She was more open with me, and had a completely different style from my former T, and any other T I had in the past. It will take time to "get over" the other T, though. At least it did for me. But now she doesn't mean much to me and when I see her in my community, I can talk to her normally!

The only concern I have (because I know you're a little like me) is that you will probably have the same strong transference feelings for your new T and they will cause you pain too. I don't mean to be negative, but we usually repeat our patterns with each T. I "fell in love with this one" as I did with the others, but because of her openness and different style, I'm coming to terms with the therapeutic relationship. Finally!

It sounds like you know what you want to do. Maybe make a list of the positives you got from your T and plan for a couple of "good-bye sessions" or at least one. Closure is important, especially in such a long-term therapy. I hope some of what I wrote helped you. I really think you will benefit from talking it over with your "new T" unless that's too scary for you and you're afraid she will judge you for seeing two Ts at once.

Hi Likelife,
I agree with Rainbow. I'd talk to new t about all of this. She does sound like a much better fit, but then again I know it will be hard leaving her too since you saw her for so long. I'm glad you posted about this to get it out. Let us know how things go.

I agree with the others about talking about it with your new T if that is possible.

I wonder if you fear of leaving the old T is not wanting to hurt her or reject her or in some way you are protecting her? Is it like that? I know I've felt like that and it was really hard.

If it's been on and off for several years, can you just look like it's another "off" time and then just not go back. I don't think you owe your therapist the truth, although I imagine it oftentimes wouldn't be as difficult for them to hear as for us to say.

Or maybe you'll learn something and wish you were back with her, and you could just go back "on." You wouldn't have to burn your bridges?

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response, Rainbow. It's hard for me to quote on my phone, so I'll do my best to try to capture everything.

Yes, newT knows about T, and for how long I've seen her. I've made some attempts to process my relationship with T with newT (does that make sense?), but only here and there because I experience a lot of shame around my relationship with T, and because there have been other more pressing things to talk about. You're right that newT could be a good resource for helping me to decide.

And you're right too that I will likely develop the same kinds of feelings toward newT as I did with T. I'm wary of that happening, but I didn't exactly resolve that stuff with T, so to expect it not to follow me would just be foolish. I've spaced out appts with newT quite a bit and haven't allowed myself to do things like googling her in at least half an attempt to reduce some of the intensity. She's already way more self-disclosing anyway, so I don't find myself being all that curious about her, at least for now.

Your suggestions for closing sessions were good ones. If only they didn't terrify me...

You're right on with what you said about trying to protect my T in some ways. I had started writing that very thing in my initial post, but it didn't make much sense to me when I went back to reread it. At one point, when I felt incredibly hurt by T, I wanted to hurt her back (yes, I know that's childish). It was startling to recognize that there was really no way for me to hurt her. I could leave, but at the time that would have just hurt me.

You're right too about not burning bridges - that's definitely not something I want to do. I suck at conflict in general.

I was very very very hurt by my former T too. And I protected her for months. I think it's natural. I don't think fantasies and thoughts of wishing her harm are remarkable either. Coming here, I've learned it's not that rare for therapists to hurt clients, sometimes very badly and in a non-therapeutic way. What's remarkable is not a therapist hurting a client, but a therapist not being willing or able to discuss the hurt in an open way.

I wasn't able to put my former T in perspective while I was still seeing her.

I don't have any good advice, just that I know what it is like and am sorry it is hard for you too.

Just wanted to say - sd, that is pretty darn clear, isn't it. I mean, that's a good writeup of the issue. Good cop / bad cop. Splitting. Whatever. How can you decide if T1 is really deficient and that maybe you could do therapy "normally" ie with just one t, if only you could find one that was marginally better, but still bad enough that she didn't bore you like T2 does. Oops, that's right, you didn't say t2 bores you - I did! Ruh-roh! Man I am so messed up.

I haven't seen my T since writing this thread (I will on Wed), but have an update of sorts.

Last night I woke up to the sound of someone trying to break into my house. I totally panicked. At first I couldn't see anyone at the door (the porch light wasn't on), but later saw someone walking briskly away. The person was at the door for a good 10 minutes. I called the police and about an hour later, I got a call from an officer saying they found the person. He was just drunk and didn't know where he was, according to the cop.

Long story short, I emailed my T in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep. She was one of the first people I thought to contact. My husband was first woken up by my 911 call. He kept asking why I didn't wake him up; I think I was just too panicked.

Now, in the light of day, I feel a little weird about writing my T. I mean, I get why I did it, and it really illustrates for me what is so hard about leaving her.

I don't think it's necessary that you tell her you've been seeing another T if you don't want to. You could just tell her you're ready to move on, which is true. I think having a closure session can help make the entire course of therapy more satisfying. Good luck.

I think it is puzzling you didn't wake your husband up when someone was trying to break into your house... He is on site, he could help protect and defend the home...

Thanks for your response, sunrise. I agree that a closure session would be important.

I know, it's puzzling to me too that I didn't wake him up. I think I was just really panicked and didn't want to make any noise. He was great after I finally did wake him up.

No response from T Oh well.

Sorry to bump up my own thread. I'm just feeling dejected that I haven't heard anything from my T after emailing her a day and a half ago. I wish I didn't let myself get so ruffled about these things.

Told T today, finally, that I've been thinking about leaving. Of course, I waited until the last 10 minutes, so we didn't get to discuss it very much. The thought still terrifies me.

I went in with the idea of telling T that I have been consulting with newT (she knows I went once). That didn't happen. I feel like I'm doing something wrong by not telling her about it. But also like I want to protect her from the knowledge that I really like newT. And also like I want to hurt her with the knowledge that I like newT. Conflicted much?

Don't be concerned with T feelings, do what is best for you. Just because you like someone doesn't mean they can help you.

Yeah, I know you're right. Whether or not she's been helpful feels like it's in the balance.

If she did or did not help you isn't relative to you still seeing her?

No, sorry, I meant my evaluation of whether or not she's been helpful keeps changing.

I wondered how you were going on with the situation with T and the consult T

Did you read the thread on going into a childlike state in therapy? There was a link in there somewhere to an article about attachment (don't know how to link from my iPod!), and the stages you can go through - just with some things you've said I wondered if it could be relevant.. I think it is for me. There's the idea that when it's difficult and you're wondering whether to walk away, if that's a time when you could be on the cusp of some healing..? I think that could be true for me, at least. You know I saw a consult T, too, after having some similar issues with my T, and I've been on the very brink of leaving my T, an idea so painful to me, but we've had issues and I seemed to 'go backwards'... but, we've had another heart to heart and I think we can continue, and put the bumps in the road down the 'the process' and part of the 'journey'... Mightn't be as relevant to your situation, but maybe worth pondering

JSG, thanks so much for your response. I've had the thought too that I might be on the cusp of some kind of healing. But it's so hard to tell. Consult T (newT) has told me that it would likely be very healing for me to work through and resolve the difficulties I've had with T. I agree with her. But I've backed away a good deal with T because I've been so afraid of getting hurt.

I'm glad to hear that you seem to be in the thick of the repair process (in a good way) with your T! You give me hope