Couch 46: How's tricks?

I'm in the waiting room at T's office now. She's late

Get ready for your boobs to drop - it's like they have a built-in calendar.

ACK!! STOP, hankster!!

Just the facts, ma'am. I remember when and where I was the moment it happened. I was buying a Shape magazine and a candy bar for my work lunch and the old store lady said, why do you buy these magazines? Now THAT was funny!!

I am gonna refuse to have a midlife crisis! Oh and refuse to turn 30 as well!

Im just questioning everything.. and my boobs are fine thank you..., a little less perky but overall not bad for 40!

Now that I think about it.... TMI for all men...



That was the Trigger


My boobs hurt and I get cramps when I have my period and I NEVER had that issue. My sex drive is low and I am a deer in the headlights. UGGGG...... I just want to go backpacking and camp , me and the dog all alone for like 5 days....or life whatever...

30 didn't bother me, the kids were still home... I was in Mommy/Daddy Mode for the first 10 years.

Lola... It's with getting your hormones checked out.. Your body does funky things as we get older (not that you are that old).

LOL.. its ok to YOU I am OLD and Hankster is beyond that!

Reminds me of a bad joke I've known forever....


How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her....

LOL

29 was the hardest for me - I only had one year to accomplish all the things I thought I'd have by 30. 40 was fun and even 50 wasn't so bad. I'm going to be 55 this year and that's freaking me out a little.

But, yeah, hormone fluctuations can do strange things to a body and soul.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my T?

*** Trigger warning for CSA ***



So, over the weekend, I had a bad CSA flashback triggered by a song on the radio. It hit me out of the blue, as the bad ones seem to do. I reminded myself that I'm grown up now and safe and I tried to picture myself in a very safe place. That turned out to be T's office, so I had the image of sitting with T in his office in my mind. Instead of that grounding me, that image merged with the CSA image in my head and somehow my abuser changed into T. It freaked me out.

So this morning I saw T and I debated whether I could tell him about it. I started to talk about the flashback, but I shut down trying to tell him the whole story. I finally managed to get it out and he was awesome. He asked for details and when I balked (I just couldn't tell him what the abuser/he was doing), he was perfectly okay. He said that it made a lot of sense to him that the images merged, since the original situation involved a situation where I should have felt safe, but wasn't, which, at least for a part of me, is similar to feeling safe with T, even though I actually am safe there.

I'm starting to think that there really is nothing I could say to make him run screaming from the room.

No... I was just thinking of the what ifs... We never leave our boys home alone with other kids in the house...even though my son is 16 now. I just don't like the idea of it. And our house is very small and sound travels very easily so I'm thinking its unlikely.

I haven't told my boys what has happened. I know my older son knows that the boy is in a juvie type facility... I gave the speech I've always given my boys... if anyone ever tries to do touch you or make you touch them...you do whatever it takes to get away and if it does happen..it is never your fault.. and don't believe them if they say they will kill your mom and dad or anything like that and you don't need to worry about who it is or how it will impact anyone else... I don't care if its PopPop or Uncle or baseball couch or your best friend...

both rolled their eyes and said that they would tell me but nothing has happened..

Thank you for sharing that, critter. I am having trouble today talking myself into going in to T tomorrow. Trying to convince myself I am not a giant weirdo and he is not secretly dreading seeing me.

I remember crying just a few days before turning 25. I was filing out a survey and its choices for age was 18-24 and 25 to 35... and I was all...I'm so old... I've turned into one of THEM....

I was okay with turning 30... i was all in babyland and so happy.

I was happy with 40. I finally felt more comfortable with being me (until I started therapy at 43) and I didn't care what anyone thought.

I apologize that was poor humor.

I laughed... if you are speaking of the hormone joke...

I feel anything but settled. Like I have hit a mile stone and now what? What to look forward to? ..... ugggg

MKAC, I swear I have to convince myself of that every time I see my T. For what its worth, I've read a lot if your posts and I don't think your a weirdo

I just left T and I think I'm glad I went...not sure if it was helpful or not though. We've been talking about the same thing for like 12 sessions in a row now and I cannot shift it. Today I left feeling really lonely. Darn it. I hate that, cause then I usually end up texting or emailing, which feels like a failure, and then I worry even more that she's dreading seeing me. I just can't seem to get any movement on the current topic at all. Frustrating!

Maybe this thing with W has you shook up? questioning your future?

It's not making it any better....

Lola, I laughed too...which I needed. I had just walked out of therapy and it was the first thing I read. So thanks

Excellent to know , we can all take a joke...

I'm at the post office to drop my taxes in the mail, just like all my fellow citizens waiting until the last minute to hand over money to the government, and I just realized the envelope I put the check in didn't seal. I have no tape. Would it be in bad taste to stick the envelope closed with a bandaid?? Hmm...

Better then gum.

My dad used to use flag stickers to seal his taxes. He'd stick them on there upside down (the naval sign of distress).