[TheRealFDeal]

I just saw T#9 for session #3. I told him I was ready for him to help me. He said he could do that. I told him I was tired of constantly thinking about xT and what he did to me, that I was tired of feeling f***ed up because I still want to see xT, and tired of fantasizing about what I could do to be a thorn in his side (not hurting him, just keeping in his thoughts his failure with me and the consequences to me). He asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with OCD. No. He was referring to my obsessive thinking. But on the other hand, he said whatever I was going through was "normal." I guess I should have felt reassured by that. He asked me several times "What are you thinking?" Is it just me, or is this a psycho-cliche? I told him that I really believe it would help if xT could just acknowledge his part, if we could just work it out between the two of us. He said the system doesn't work that way. That besides being unable to admit anything to me for legal reasons, my recourse is through the Board of Psychology and then the matter would be between B of P and xT, if B of P deemed it a matter to investigate.

I left T#9 not feeling helped. But wondering if there's any help for me. Because even if I can work through this thing that happened with xT, there's still all the f***ed-upness that I had before it happened. Like it's all in layers, and uncovering the top layer only to find more layers beneath. And how can we uncover them at the snail's pace of 45 minutes a week? I'm old. I don't have that much time.

I'm sorry this is all so negative. And I hope no one comes down on me for admitting I have fantasies, or anything else I've said. I just feel so hopeless, and not a little ashamed for spilling this.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I just saw T#9 for session #3. I told him I was ready for him to help me. He said he could do that. I told him I was tired of constantly thinking about xT and what he did to me, that I was tired of feeling f***ed up because I still want to see xT, and tired of fantasizing about what I could do to be a thorn in his side (not hurting him, just keeping in his thoughts his failure with me and the consequences to me).

I totally get that. I too am tired of constantly thinking about my exT who did bad things. I'm tired of feeling damaged. For far too long I still wanted to see xT, although I'm finally over that. I'm tired of hoping maybe some day there will be healing with her. I agree with your T, it's normal. I also understand that normal can still feel really lousy. Is it like that? or something different?

He asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with OCD. No. He was referring to my obsessive thinking.

Hmmm. How did you feel about that question?

But on the other hand, he said whatever I was going through was "normal." I guess I should have felt reassured by that. He asked me several times "What are you thinking?" Is it just me, or is this a psycho-cliche?

LOL. Probably. Sometimes those things work. sometimes they don't

I told him that I really believe it would help if xT could just acknowledge his part, if we could just work it out between the two of us. He said the system doesn't work that way. That besides being unable to admit anything to me for legal reasons, my recourse is through the Board of Psychology and then the matter would be between B of P and xT, if B of P deemed it a matter to investigate.[/COLOR][/B]

I think it would help me if my exT acknowedged her part and we could work it out, too. That so resonates with me. I felt the pain in me of it being unresolved when I read your words (which is okay. I'm fine. It's good for me to experience this until I resolve it.)

I fine your T's answer a little curious. It may be true that they are unlikely to admit anything for legal reasons, it's actually a bad strategy. People are LESS likely to sue when professionals are deeply sorry for what happened, especially if they are connected to the T, than if they are hurt and angry at the T. I don't understand why a private resolution is off the table. TAht doesn't make sense to me. I'm pretty sure the BofP might bring some sense of being heard, maybe justice, and perhaps protect the public, but I doubt it will bring my healing between you and the T, which is what you want.

I left T#9 not feeling helped. But wondering if there's any help for me. Because even if I can work through this thing that happened with xT, there's still all the f***ed-upness that I had before it happened. Like it's all in layers, and uncovering the top layer only to find more layers beneath. And how can we uncover them at the snail's pace of 45 minutes a week? I'm old. I don't have that much time.

So first you have to someone work through enough of exT that you can then work on all the stuff you originally went to exT for. That does sound like a lot. Does it feel overwhelming?
I don't know if it helps to hear this, so feel free to ignore. For me, the places where I was hurt were there for me before just like for you. But in working through what happened, it helped on the work I originally went to do. It's not hte recommended way, and it doesn't absolve the T for anything, but for me it's wasn't just another thing added on - it was (and is) part of my work anyway.

I'm sorry this is all so negative. And I hope no one comes down on me for admitting I have fantasies, or anything else I've said. I just feel so hopeless, and not a little ashamed for spilling this.

Hmm. I hear you reviewing what happened in session, and considering it, and articulating your questions, and recognizing your feelings. And this feels hopeless and you feel a little ashamed for writing htis but still had the strength to reach out for support. Is that it? Is there more?

I'm glad you are talking about it. I see strength in your continuing to struggle with this and try to figure out what to do and what works for you, and not stuffing the pain, and reaching out for help even while feeling hopeless.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I just saw T#9 for session #3. I told him I was ready for him to help me. He said he could do that. I told him I was tired of constantly thinking about xT and what he did to me, that I was tired of feeling f***ed up because I still want to see xT, and tired of fantasizing about what I could do to be a thorn in his side (not hurting him, just keeping in his thoughts his failure with me and the consequences to me).

I can relate to this.

I wish Madame T could see what a jerk she was.

[learning1]

TRD, I mentioned a little of your story to my t today and she responded with a gasp and jaw dropped astonishment at what your ex-t did. It's late or I'd write more, but wanted to at least tell you that.

[WikidPissah]

It's very hard to move on when you don't think the xt actually appreciates how much pain they caused.

[unaluna]

It sounds like you're losing focus tho. Is everything about your previous t? I mean, why were you even going in the first place? Isn't it more important to address the initial problems than whatever crap the ts did? I just keep reminding my t, "and this is where everybody else failed me. Hint, hint."

ETA: Sorry, I just reread my post, and the beginning sounds so negative. I'm getting caught up in some wave of emotion, and I don't even know what it's about. We need to calm down. I need some coffee, that's for sure!

[Jungatheart]

The layers are certainly there for me as well. I relate. Just because you felt hopeless in that moment, does not mean YOU are hopeless or helpless.

I remember thinking that I could only "heal" in those 45 minutes - which is ironic since it ended up being abusive. Healing occurs within us, not "by" someone. Healing existed long before psychotherapy ever did. I also believe in the power of good therapy. I think it ought to make us feel empowered in our own abilities, rather than the therapist being the key, or the God. You reaching out, your writings - all of that is you leading your own healing.

Is this the most amount of sessions you've had with a new therapist? Do you know what he could have said to make you feel more helped? If you know what you need from a therapist, you can lead your next session that way. Just a thought.

I would say repetitive thinking is very normal with the trauma you have been through.
With Hope.

[learning1]

I also wanted to add that I spent a ton of time thinking about and hating my ex-t for being a jerk. Your t was worse than mine I think. I understand wanting to work it out too, because partly one trusts ones t and respects them, so it's hard to reconcile that when they suddenly do obnoxious stuff. It is really hard to know when to dump somebody who does obnoxious stuff and when to keep trying. I lean toward your current t's view that your old t doesn't have it together enough to try to reconcile. But I don't know. I don't like it that your current t doesn't seem to be acknowledging your point of view about reconciling with your former t and I don't think I like his question about ocd.

[TheRealFDeal]

Oh, I want to respond to all of you. I'll try.

No, "normal" still doesn't feel good, but I get that whatever you are experiencing is part of the getting through it. It just feels like I should be farther along in my process.

Which leads to the "obsessive" thinking and T's question about OCD. My first thought was, Great! Another item to add to my list of "bad things about me." But he doesn't know yet about my BPD, and I think that could explain the obsessive thinking as well - the abandonment issues and doing crazy stuff to try to keep someone from leaving you, or in this case, trying to get them back.

Syra, you nailed it about not feeling better for reporting T. Even if that brought me "justice," it would not feel nearly so good as reconciliation. I don't believe the public is in danger, so my reason for reporting would be purely personal. I don't agree with T's views on this, either.

learning1, you told your T and her jaw dropped? Of course, I really would like to hear more about that!

Hankster, did something I said trigger you in some way? Everything is about xT right now, and part of my frustration with the slowness of the t process is that once I work through that, there's still all the old stuff to deal with. But I hope Syra is right when she says that working through one layer has a ripple effect on the layers beneath.

Jungatheart, I get what you're saying about the 45 minutes. I do tend to hang all my hopes on those minutes and I know that's not helpful or real. I know I need to work outside that time, and it's part of my struggle. Huge.

Yes, this is the most amount of sessions I've had with a new T. I saw T#8 for 3 sessions as well. But this is the first time I've scheduled a 4th! I thought I was doing good to start this last session by telling him I was ready for him to help me. That this would be a window into how he works. I've told him that this has taken over my life and I need it to stop being all-consuming. I can't be more specific than that. I guess I wish he had just given me one concrete thing to take away and be able to use. Maybe I need to put it that way next week.