Need feedback on T#9

I saw T#9 for a record fifth session today. I am SO on the fence about this one. I hope you can give me some feedback. I am trying to decide if I should keep going to him.

I’ve exhausted all my resources, so unless I just go to the yellow pages and start cold-calling, I have no one else to go to. Well, unless you consider the referrals this T could give me if I did decide to stop with him. But how much more time can I spend looking when I’m in terrible emotional pain and my life is s*** and I’m tired of living this way? So, so tired of the hurt of the betrayal and abandonment by xT constantly dogging me.

He has answered all of my questions. He said he doesn’t believe in just talk t, there has to be a goal and I have to do stuff outside the session, and he checks progress every 12 weeks. All clients complete a “mood survey” prior to every session, and a “session evaluation” at the end. He was the only T who told me I could report my T for what he did, and he expressed an appropriate level of shock over it.

He has not impressed me with his insights. He doesn’t seem particularly perceptive. He pointed out that he got a clock so that clients could know the time they have left – something we had talked about in the first session. I told him that I had been watching it the whole time and he said he hadn’t noticed. He likes to say “What are you thinking/feeling right now?” I don’t feel a liking for him – so the connection I so desire and think I need is not there. His sessions are only 45 minutes long. During the fourth session, I said something to the effect that he had not helped me yet and he said, Well, we haven’t started yet. See, I thought when I showed up the second time, that meant I was starting.

I have such a hard time coming up with any real positives, but if he’s competent, respectful and trustworthy, can I put aside my emotional reactions and let him help me anyway? IDK! What do you think?

Is it possible to keep seeing him and do some cold calling for new t's at the same time?

Have you told him things that are issues for you? goals you want to work on? has he told you how he would see you working on those together? These are things that would be important to me

If it were me, I would move on and try some more. I have seen about 25 or so in the past 2.5 years. I stuck with two of them.

He does sound a bit of a plodder. But if he is solid and reliable, maybe that's hwat you need right now?

In a lot of T relationships, most of the insights come from the patient.
It doesn't seem fair that you pay the money and do the work, but that's therapy!

I would continue to see him while you look for someone else.
Trust your gut instinct, there is something that is not sitting right for you with this guy. I mean yeah he is reliable and consistent but is that enough for you?
Most of the work is done by the client in between sessions but a therapist is responsible for doing some if not most of the work too, he is there to guide you but if he can't see what you need, he can't guide you
This guy reminds me of my ex t, who used to say I was not doing the work, she felt like she was talking too much etc.... Turned out to be a disaster but that is my stuff and maybe this t will be different but I would look for another.

I would be calling other Ts, but I just don't have any names left. I really don't want to just call random Ts from the internet yellow pages. Would it be terrible to ask this T for references while I am still seeing him? Idk what good that would do even if I could pull it off.

Stopdog: How did you keep at it? It doesn't sound like you are very satisfied with one of your Ts. Did you "settle" for her (or any of the others) ? What makes a T right for you?

ReadytoStop: Yes, I was very specific with him on what I was seeking. He has told me very confidently that he can help, but not how, except to say that he believes in goals and that he likes to review progress at 12-week intervals.

CE: That's what I'm wondering. Is solid and reliable good enough for now? Can I take help from him even though I don't feel anything for him? Actually, it might be a slight aversion. That doesn't bode well, does it?

I used the Internet to find my T as I just got fed up with my past experiences with using referrals. I felt like I didn't want to trust anyone else's opinion anymore since I'd had no luck with them in the past.

Psychology Today has a lot of info out there about the Ts up front - so you kinda get a feeling for something about them even before you start. I sent emails and waited for responses. The communication back (or lack thereof) told me a lot about the T (or it felt like it did anyway - gave me a sense of control) and I didn't even have to reveal who I was - much safer for me. Could you maybe look online and see what you can find? Not sure if that would help, but I understand the struggles of finding a T

That's a good point. Madame T hadn't heard of any of the Ts I saw before or since. If I had relied solely on her, I wouldn't be seeing my current T. (He hadn't heard of her, either.)

I used the internet to randomly select my T & he's worked out great.

My first two Ts were ok, but I did not have a "connection" with them. Both were well-known and referred by pdocs and friends. It didn't matter; they didn't help me at all. My current T was found by my best friend through online research. I know "they" suggest finding a T through references only, but my T is excellent! We have an excellent, therapeutic relationship! I'm so glad my roommate found her through the Internet and cold-calling. So, I would not discount that method of finding a T! It can work!

For me, I realize that the T relationship is paramount. So, if I was in your situation, I'd start doing online research for a different T....

I have had references and online attempts. They fail about equally. I found one of the ones I see now off of psychology today and the other through referral from the therapist of someone I know.

Well, i think this comes down to the % of therapists that you think are quacks. I say this because if you think 50% of all therapist are no good for you, then the probability that, after seeing 8 others, that this guy is also not for you is quite small.

There would likely be another factor at play. One thing that is unchanging across all the therapists you've seen is you. You might not be ready for therapy, or open to the experience. It's very hard to give someone something they don't want to own. Perhaps you therapist shopping in order to demonstrate to yourself and your old therapist that you are in control. A kind of replaying an old scenario over and over, but with a different ending in which you "win".

However, if you think 90% of therapists are idiots, then, yeah, it's probably time to resolve yourself to a lot more shopping.

Clearly the therapist plays a role in the progress of therapy. There are 2 people in that room though. As the adage inducates "when the student is ready, the master will appear."

It sounds to me like your inability to trust any T's may be the culprit, and it is understandable after the things you went through. What kind of T is this one? Have you seen any T's who deal with trauma or DID? I was just wondering, as to me, they seem to be the therapists that understand me more than others. It sounds like there isn't a lot of emotional "stuff" going on in your therapy, it is more like goals, etc. That is fine, but with what you have said about your issues, you need a T who focuses on your emotional part, and who understands how to interact with those parts. Just my opinion. Don't settle, because in the end, if you are not comfortable, you will probably make little progress. Keep posting (((RFD)))).

I was thinking after your last terrible t, it is good for you to have someone, even if he's not ideal. I really like that he supported your view about your other t but there were some things I didn't like about him. If you can ask him for a referal while you're seeing him, I'd be interested to hear how you do it. I don't think I could handle doing that, but that's me. I prefer having a referral, but like a lot of people said, Psychology Today can be good too. I had good luck with it last time, but I was just looking for a t who would be nice and willing to talk about the past, not much more than that. There are also other sites where people post reviews, so if you live in a city where people might post many reviews, maybe that would give you an idea. This thread lists some review sites http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...ws-online.html

Here is a site that may be helpful in looking for a therapist: GoodTherapy.org - Therapy, Find a Therapist or Marriage Counselor
Good luck and God bless you

GoodTherapy.org - Therapy, Find a Therapist or Marriage Counselor

TRD, There are some good insights from others - although across the board. Is there any way you could discuss your concerns with him? As a professional, he should be able to address them. And the way he responds will let you know if you should stay or go.

On one hand, yes you are struggling to find a new therapist, struggling with trust. On the other hand, I think ultimately what is most important is for you to trust your inner guidance.

I have decided to stop therapy with this T. We talked about the session evaluation that I did at the beginning of last session, which was very bad, and then proceeded with the session. At the end, he showed me what he wrote to think about till next session: Feelings of intense loneliness; no one to talk to except 50 minutes a week. Yeah, I already know that, dwell on it constantly.

And I have tried ALL of the online sites that you all mentioned. That's what I meant when I said I have exhausted all of my resources. I am now looking at various yellow pages-type websites and notice that not all Ts are listed consistently across the board. So, idk.

Also, it doesn't seem like Ts in my area specialize at all. None of them are listed as specialties, none of the ones I saw claimed to be of a specific type. I don't know what this means - are they all generic and expect they can adapt to the client's needs?

I am at a really stuck place and feeling just awful.

sorry you're having a hard time. I hope you can quickly find one that will be okay at least for now. I don't know what area of specialty you're looking for? I don't find specialists either.

Good luck with it. Do you know of anyone who likes their therapist? If so, perhaps that therapist could give you referrals. That is how I found the second one I go see. A friend asked her therapist if she knew any who were like x,y,a and the therapist called and talked to me then called me back with three names to try. I tried all three and stuck with one. It has worked out better than the one I found on psych today. The one from the referral is the one who I think does listen to me.