therapist not supportive of my relationship?

Hi all, I'm here because I have a question. I saw a therapist today with my fiance. I had seen her previously because I did something very very bad to him. Basically what we talked about was "you have to forgive yourself." I cried and cried and cried saying, "what's wrong with me." She was like, "no you're good, you're problem is you're too hard on yourself." Very charming and very persuasive and instantly I found myself implementing her suggestions to be less hard on myself and boyfriend. It really strengthened my relationship -- after one session, great! So we never set up another appointment, she didn't really agree to take me on, whatever, I was happy.

Ok, here's the problem. I had mentioned to her that my fiance has depression problems and do you think that she could see him. We get there today (some scheduling snafus, she never got back to me about the appointment time) and go in. It turns out she doesn't take my fiancé's insurance. So I said, "can you bill mine as couple's therapy? I'll leave and give you some privacy." (We didn't talk about needing couple time- my boyfriend wanted therapy for his depression and we made that clear).

She says ok, but first I think you should sit and hear something.

She turns to my boyfriend and says, "how do you feel about what Daisy001 did to you?"



He says, "Mad and sad but I forgive her."

I BURST into tears. They had the rest of the appointment normally just getting to know each other stuff. Neither of them acknowledged I was crying.

At the end of the session we discussed it and my boyfriend wanted more therapy. And she goes, Ok, we're kind of using you, haha. And I'm like NO ok, I just want him to get help.

But after session I felt so awkward that he and she just let me cry. He never does that. So it was like "punishment" for the bad thing.

Ok, so the reason I'm posting this is, is there anything my boyfriend and I can use from this woman? How can I make sense in my mind of that she seemed so sincere and caring (she said, "it must help to know there's someone out there in the world who cares about you and your fiance") and yet the session went so badly (for me). I feel guilty but I almost felt... left out!

WHOA. I would think all my trust for her would be gone...that was TOTALLY uncalled for. Is only your fiance going to be seeing someone in the future, not the two of you together?
If I read it right, that is my understanding...and he needs to see someone else. She can't be impartial towards you and she has made that clear. She told you to forgive yourself than turned on you in front of him like something off of a bad talk show. It sounds just awful. And no one acknowledged you crying?? God, I am so sorry that happened to you.

"Letting you cry" isn't necessarily a bad thing. Therapists generally do that. It takes some getting used to, I guess.

Sitting with your emotions can be a powerful thing. As painful as it sounds, she asked an important question. I'd imagine it was shame inducing which makes it so hard to manage.

I certainly understand the idea of feeling left out, especially because...well...you are. The session was about your fiance's feelings and issues.

I would have felt horrified and truly awful as well, and I probably would've left the room and felt incredibly shameful, angry, jealous and resentful.

Hi all- small update.
So I told the therapist how I felt about this (email) and she basically emailed me back and said I'm really sorry. Then I felt kind of guilty because it seemed like I must have misunderstood the situation and she didn't mean to make me feel bad. So I apologized by email too.

Anyhow then we went back into session this week together. It was me, my boyfriend, and the therapist. She basically says our personalities are different and even what we want out of a relationship in the longterm are different. That was interesting and food for thought. Both of us have similar personalities; in Myers Briggs we are both INFP. But I guess she means background, wants and desires in relationships, etc. Anyhow that was discussed as a way to improve communication.

I still felt that maybe this therapist doesn't like me. This is a rough spot. I do like her, so there's this dynamic where it's like I feel somewhat rejected, but I do like her enough to feel like some of her suggestions are pretty good. (My boyfriend is happy as a clam but he said that I need to stand up to her more and he was glad that I did this session instead of just crying silently).

For example, when talking about our relationship and how I sometimes feel like my boyfriend is being hard on me or mean to me, she said, "hmm, is this a theme to you being betrayed?-- because you had the same reaction to me in your email, and you seem to have that to your boyfriend too." So I was like..... I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that. But I also tried to stand up for myself by explaining I don't generally feel people are betraying me.

Basically it was a hard session. I'm not used to therapy but I feel very bad inside right now.

My boyfriend and I are torn-- this therapist really does seem to be eager to help us-- she sat with us for nearly 1.5 hours, answered my email during her off time (and emailed me several times during the week) and even offered to be there for me on the phone. But I can't shake this feeling like this is a destabilizing situation.

We started counselling because I had a problem and needed to fix it-- now it seems we're in couples' counseling by default-- and I can't tell if that will really help.

The ultimate dirty secret I have is that I actually need counselling myself-- but I don't feel I deserve it and in a weird way, it's like this whole experience confirms it.

Anyhow, that was it.

What does your boyfriend say about that? It sounds like he would agree that counselling would be a good idea.

I am confused as to whose is this counselling? Is the contract with you as an individual or with you both as a couple. It sounds like that is your confusion too? I notice that some counsellors, especially in the US, seem to see people as couples and as individuals and I personally think it is fraught with danger - as I can already see happening with you - there are fantasies buliding as to who she likes the best. It is painful. A transference is buliding that feels it could be unhelpful rather than helpful in the context of you working with this therapist.

It sounds like you need your own therapist, away from your relationship, so you can work out how you are feeling? After all, that is what therapy is about - a space away from family and friends. Can you talk with the therapist about what YOU need. I wonder if you want her as YOUR therapist? That could mean your boyfriend has his own therapist. Then perhaps later on, when you have done some individual work, you could see a couples counsellor? Individual therapy is all about you, it allows you to work deeper on your own issues.

In the UK, counsellors who work like I do wouldn't ever work with a couple as individuals too (although sometimes we will have a couple of individual sessions within a couples context). There is a duality there that can be very hard to manage for both clients and therapists and it can become very messy. It would be considered as unethical here to try and do individual therapy with clients we also see as a couple.

Moon

Often, when a therapist give that extra attention, it feels caring. But it can also be a red warning flag. It could mean that the therapist lacks appropriate boundaries.

Again, a little odd -- to just apologize like that . Usually they say something like "that would be good for us to talk about at the next session."

And, how is it ethical to bill for couple's therapy while in fact doing individual therapy with someone whose insurance you don't take? That's gotta come back to bite someone, somehow.

What is this therapist's training? What is her supervision? How long has she been a therapist? To me, she sounds well-meaning, but perhaps a little unskilful.

If it were me, I'd be looking around for someone else.

As far as the betrayal comment by the therapist, it sounds like you only see two ways to respond to it: either 'stick up for yourself' or shut down/not saying anything-crying. Both of these are defensive postures and it sounds like you felt this as a kind of attack on her part.

I think there are other options, specifically, thinking about the possibility that this is an issue for you and explore it. Or if you think she's off base, explain to her why you think that may be the case. Either way, I think it might be more helpful to take a less defensive stance, see it more as an exploration and not an attack. It sounds like you feel the relationship is adversarial in some way? Maybe this has to do with it being couple's therapy?

If you think it would be beneficial, I'd encourage you to seek therapy for yourself. You can certainly do that and the couple's therapy at the same time, if you wish. It may end up helping you a lot in your relationship.

As far as boundaries, it does sound odd to me to have so much between session contact with one of the parties involved in the couple's therapy. I would think she would need to keep some sort of neutral stance vis a vis both of you.

You were going to leave so they could have a session about your boyfriend's depression. What I think I would do is have your boyfriend take care of his problems, get his own therapist that takes his insurance, etc. and not get in a confused mess about what is happening with any given therapy session.

You spoke to the therapist about your problem, feeling you had done something bad to your boyfriend and she reassured you and recommended some changes you found helpful, etc. This appointment was for your boyfriend and his problems; they cannot overlap with yours because you are a different person! If you were going to leave so they could talk, I would have gotten up to leave, especially after I started to cry about my issues?

I would go see the therapist alone again and work on clarifying what is your stuff and what is someone else's. Your boyfriend's feelings are not about you; he can feel happy, sad, angry, whatever he wants/feels but they are coming from inside him and are not about you and your issues just like your crying is about your issues and not your boyfriend.

My sense is that she does CARE at a personal level, but all her advice seems to be geared to invalidating all of my feelings.

"Why does it matter if you're the only one who does chores?"

"Why does it matter if you have fights? All couples have fights?"

"How do you know if your partner is really yelling? There's a difference between raising your voice and yelling!"

Grr....

Combined with the couples' issues we've been having, this session just left me feeling deflated, depressed, and defensive.

I wanted to say that to her, actually-- I wanted to say "It's not that I feel freaking betrayed by you, it's that you're being hard on me, and everything is already hard!!!" (!)

I am not sure if the best way to go about this is to go back, I mean, really, when there are two people in the room, I'm sure it's more than twice as hard on the therapist. But the question is can she really be impartial. She was personally affected by my email, I am sure (I cancelled after our second session with a somewhat emotional email). I apoligized I'm not sure that's enough.