Ugh, I don't even know how to approach this topic with t. H and I got in a fight this morning about money. (what's new?) He didn't outright say it, but I got the distinct feeling, that he is very resentful of the money that I spend for therapy. Part of the issue which I cleared up for him was that he thought I was paying more for my t out of state than I would for a new t in town. I assured him that what I am paying her, is not a penny more than what my copay would be if I got a new t in town. This is what t and i agreed on. He just kept saying things like "I don't spend anything on myself. And you keep spending all this money." I don't spend money except for t every week, and occasionally on our son. I'm not into the whole clothes/shoes and manicures and pedicures and fancy haircuts and makeup I never have been. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!! I don't mean to say there is! It's just, I'm simple, I've never cared about that kind of stuff.) I do buy things for our son but he always knows about those things. The only expense I have, is t, and that's why I think he's resentful of that. There isn't anything else with any regularity that I spend money on. I have one pair of shoes I wear for work, and I buy a new pair only when the current pair starts falling apart. Literally. I have one pair of tennies. I have one pair of sandals and I didn't even pay for the sandals, they were a hand me down from my mother because they gave her toe a blister and she didn't want them anymore. They were cute, and they fit, so I took them.

Anyway I get a lot of benefit from t. And hubby agrees out one side of his mouth that I still need it. But then the comments start coming out the other side of his mouth. I am so confused. I don't envision therapy being a lifelong thing for me. In a lot of ways I am done with it, but there are other things that have come up in our depth work that need to be worked through. My initial reason for going, the initial goals we set, were accomplished. But deeper things than those have surfaced and we are working through those now. As much as I DO want to be done with therapy, I DON'T want to quit while she's still being so helpful to me. I am afraid if I let him talk me into quitting so we can not spend the money then all the hard work I've done will just go down the tubes, then I will be right back at pdoc, and back on the stupid meds that I finally got off of, and the vicious circle will begin again. I don't know that that's the case, but it's what I am afraid of, if I quit too soon because of monetary reasons. I already told him I'm going to be getting some overtime at work soon, it always comes in the summer I've been told. I'll talk to t about cutting back to twice a month instead of weekly. That way I will be spending $130 a month instead of $200 a month for t. That's something at least.

I had wanted to go back to school for an MFA in Creative Writing and I let him talk me out of that. Now I feel like he is trying to talk me out of therapy even though it is so helpful for me. I don't know. I don't know.

How do other people deal with a spouse/significant other being resentful of you spending money on yourself for therapy??

[likelife]

Ugh, I'm sorry, artemis, this sounds like a crappy situation. My H also sometimes voices resentment about the money I spend on therapy. On the one hand, he acknowledges that it helps me to remain stable, and on the other hand, he tends to make sideways comments about the money. I tend to rely on reminding him that when I wasn't in therapy, I was a wreck, and that it's money I'm investing in my health. Just because it's mental health doesn't make it any less valid than a physical health concern.

I think it's sad too that he talked you out of the MFA. Of course, I don't know all of the specifics, but I'd imagine that going back to school, while having its own related stressors, might also boost your mental health.

[mixedup_emotions]

That's a really difficult situation.

My ex-husband used to be incredibly resentful about me spending money on T - and he never even had any control over my money. We maintained separate finances throughout our marriage, so I was free to make my own decisions about money. That left me realizing that the issue was way deeper than money.

Based on my own experience, I wonder if it's truly a financial issue...or if there's more to it than that. In my situation, I learned that my then-husband felt threatened by me being in therapy, etc.

I'd imagine that exploring the topic together - both sharing your honest feelings (not judgments, not thoughts) - and having some willingness to compromise would go a long way. (Sacrificing my therapy was never an option, so I am not suggesting that at all. Merely suggesting that exploring the feelings and wondering what can be done to help bridge the gap.)

[redbandit]

That must be really difficult if you find therapy is helping you, but your husband isnt supportive. I recently had a change of insurance, so I have to find a new therapist. The T and pdoc I was seeing were charging $100 a session WITH insurance, and thats just ridiculous.
Do you guys share finances? I just wondered, because even though I'm not working at the moment (trying to find a job) my husband considers his money "our money". Nobody likes medical bills, of course. I have a lot more than others, and I hate that my health is a burden financially. I hope your husband can understand how important therapy is to you. *hugs

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

As much as I DO want to be done with therapy, I DON'T want to quit while she's still being so helpful to me. I am afraid if I let him talk me into quitting so we can not spend the money then all the hard work I've done will just go down the tubes, then I will be right back at pdoc, and back on the stupid meds that I finally got off of, and the vicious circle will begin again. I don't know that that's the case, but it's what I am afraid of, if I quit too soon because of monetary reasons.

I don't know if this is helpful to you, because I am not in the situation you are. I only pay $80 a month for therapy (weekly copay) and so therapy is not a financial stressor for us.

I have never comingled the money I earn with my H's. We have a joint account where he deposits his paycheck and he pays the household bills out of that. I don't touch this account. I have various accounts for different reasons because I am self employed and I pay business expenses. H has no idea what I pay for (except I do the shopping, so he knows that I buy food and household supplies, and things that our kids and pets need). The only time we discuss money is if we want to do something (fix something in the house, go on vacation, buy something "big") and then we talk about who can contribute what and whether we can afford it. I'm not a big spender in terms of girly girl stuff-- I do get massages but they are the therapeutic kind for my physical issue.

There was a time when we had a joint credit card, and H is obsessive about making sure there is no fraud. He used to ask me, "what's this $119 purchase at etsy.com?" I would answer, those are the handmade candles I bought, the ones on the mantle. But this started to irritate me, so I got my own credit card and I stopped using the joint one. I don't know that he was necessarily resentful of my spending, but I felt that any questioning of it sort of felt like that, and I didn't want to feel that way, so I stopped putting myself in the situation.

What is pinging for me in your situation is that there is no Law of Marriage that every expense must be agreed upon by the couple. That it is perfectly acceptable to say, without hostility, that the expenses for your therapy are not up for discussion or negotiation. That you are doing what you need to do for your health, and that without your health, you will not be able to work or have a decent marriage or parent well. It is perfectly fine for a wife to tell her husband that she plans on spending a certain amount of money for a certain thing and it is something that she needs to do.

It feels to me, maybe I'm misjudging the situation, that you are concerned that you will give in to what seems like subtle pressure from your H to cut back or eliminate therapy, and you're not ready yet. That the example of the MFA is one where he talked you out of doing something for yourself. I'm sure it's not that he has evil motives-- perhaps he is not looking out for you in the way that you need to look out for yourself. If you want to have a conversation with your T, maybe it would be helpful to think about the ways that you feel pressured to do what he wants. That seems like a bigger issue.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

.... That the example of the MFA is one where he talked you out of doing something for yourself. I'm sure it's not that he has evil motives-- perhaps he is not looking out for you in the way that you need to look out for yourself. If you want to have a conversation with your T, maybe it would be helpful to think about the ways that you feel pressured to do what he wants. That seems like a bigger issue.

Thanks Anne2.0, this is precisely why I find PC so helpful.... I couldn't get my words and thoughts wrapped around the bigger picture and you got it. Thank you so much.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Based on my own experience, I wonder if it's truly a financial issue...or if there's more to it than that. In my situation, I learned that my then-husband felt threatened by me being in therapy, etc.

This is a good point too. My H used to (and I think still sometimes is) be threatened by me being in therapy. He assumed that I was *****ing to my T about him. While that was perhaps true to an extent therapy was obviously about much more than him.

likelife, mue, red, thanks also for your input. we do share finances. he doesn't want it any other way. he's more old fashioned than i am i guess. one good thing i can say about today's argument was that i didn't start bawling. I didn't really fight back or defend myself, but I didn't start bawling and run and hide in bed like I used to would have done. he's not evil. he just wants what he wants. and he doesn't want me spending money. i should have stood up for myself and said I work 40+ hours a week outside the home besides taking care of everything AT home so I should not have to "ask" to be able to spend money. Baby steps I guess. At least I didn't cry. I am going to print out the gist of this thread and email to t to talk about on wednesday.

Originally Posted by likelife

This is a good point too. My H used to (and I think still sometimes is) be threatened by me being in therapy. He assumed that I was *****ing to my T about him. While that was perhaps true to an extent therapy was obviously about much more than him.

I'm wondering if this isn't part of it too. He knows the me he married. He's not so sure anymore of the me I'm learning to be in therapy. Maybe it scares him and he can't get that into words himself so he crabs about money instead.

???

Originally Posted by artemis-within

i should have stood up for myself and said I work 40+ hours a week outside the home besides taking care of everything AT home so I should not have to "ask" to be able to spend money.

Art this is a tough situation. I hope that you are being wise and keeping yourself knowledgable about your family finances... even though one spouse may make more money than another... both have a right to know how joint co-mingled money is being spent or saved or invested...

[likelife]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I'm wondering if this isn't part of it too. He knows the me he married. He's not so sure anymore of the me I'm learning to be in therapy. Maybe it scares him and he can't get that into words himself so he crabs about money instead.

???

I'm making huge leaps here, but if he's more "old-fashioned" as you described him, perhaps he is also less psychologically minded (i.e., less likely to understand and value the emotional changes that can come with therapy).

[lostin08]

Don't let him talk you into quitting 200 a month is very cheap these days. Especially if you get a full hour which a lot of us don't anymore. If it is helping, you have a job and I see no reason for resentment on his part. Hang in there.

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh, there is most certainly the potential that your growth from your work in therapy has an impact on the situation. My T told me long ago that my relationships with people will change. It may be met with a lot of resistance - and people can either be open to growing with you, accepting you for the changes and the effect it has on the relationship, or relationships end.

When I started therapy, I was married and had plenty of friends. Now, I'm divorced and have very few friends. The people worth keeping are still with me today - and the others, I learned were very unhealthy for me.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

likelife, mue, red, thanks also for your input. we do share finances. he doesn't want it any other way. he's more old fashioned than i am i guess. one good thing i can say about today's argument was that i didn't start bawling. I didn't really fight back or defend myself, but I didn't start bawling and run and hide in bed like I used to would have done. he's not evil. he just wants what he wants. and he doesn't want me spending money. i should have stood up for myself and said I work 40+ hours a week outside the home besides taking care of everything AT home so I should not have to "ask" to be able to spend money. Baby steps I guess. At least I didn't cry. I am going to print out the gist of this thread and email to t to talk about on wednesday.

It seems like money issues are rarely only about money. The parts I bolded jump out at me. What do you want? Old-fashioned, perhaps: or is it controlling? My father was old-fashioned, and he used to put cash in an envelope every week for my mother (1940's thru 1970's)--she never wrote a check in her life (nor did she work after marriage). But even he never questioned how she spent the money, nor restricted the amount in any way. If anything, he encouraged her to spend more.

You have a job: is there some reason you don't have your own checking account from which you pay your own T expenses? I mean, he can't stop you from doing so. What do you want?

It makes perfect sense to have a joint account for joint expenses and for savings for the future. But that shouldn't preclude individual acounts: they're not mutually exclusive.

Honestly, I find this not so much "old-fashioned" as indicative of power issues.

[Perna]

My husband did not understand therapy but does trust/love me and took it for granted, when I said I needed it, that I needed it. He did not like spending the money (and I had to start working again full-time in order to afford it) but in a discussion of "how much would you be willing to spend to see me healthy and happy?" the answer came back (shocked me out of my boots :-) "Every last penny I had." Just accept the side of the mouth you agree with :-) Mixed feelings should be a piece of cake to deal with by now? LOL

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry - this is a tough situation. Won't the price of you NOT having therapy be much greater?

[Anne2.0]

My experience in therapy this time (last round of therapy I did, many years ago, I wasn't married or I was at the tail end of therapy) is that my marriage has really benefited from my therapy. Actually, this pisses me off for two reasons: 1) he benefits from my work; and 2) obviously, the issues that were/are in our marriage have at least something to do with who I don't ***** about (me). I would say that all of my relationships have deepened in intimacy and satisfaction, minus one or two that I have let go because I got tired of being a personal wailing wall.

[almostthere]

I'm not taking your husbands side on this matter. The only thing I can draw from your situation is that your husband is more concerned with the money issue than about u getting the help u need. It's a common occurrence in our society. U may consider the fact that maybe u dont need therapy. I'm not sounding cold here and i dont want u to think that I'm not sensitive to your situation that u need therapy to deal with life.

What I'd like to say is in most undeveloped countries, like say tribes of people living in some of the remote jungles on the planet earth, have no need for therapists or social workers, or even medication. Yet in their simple, meager, and humble everyday existence they are much more happier than the people u find in our modern and technoligially advanced socieity. They live on much less than u and I because they dont expect more than they are given. We should be able to learn something from that...don't u think? Think about it. Maybe this wiil help you.

Take care !!!









I'm not taking your husbn

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Ugh, I don't even know how to approach this topic with t. H and I got in a fight this morning about money. (what's new?) He didn't outright say it, but I got the distinct feeling, that he is very resentful of the money that I spend for therapy. Part of the issue which I cleared up for him was that he thought I was paying more for my t out of state than I would for a new t in town. I assured him that what I am paying her, is not a penny more than what my copay would be if I got a new t in town. This is what t and i agreed on. He just kept saying things like "I don't spend anything on myself. And you keep spending all this money." I don't spend money except for t every week, and occasionally on our son. I'm not into the whole clothes/shoes and manicures and pedicures and fancy haircuts and makeup I never have been. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!! I don't mean to say there is! It's just, I'm simple, I've never cared about that kind of stuff.) I do buy things for our son but he always knows about those things. The only expense I have, is t, and that's why I think he's resentful of that. There isn't anything else with any regularity that I spend money on. I have one pair of shoes I wear for work, and I buy a new pair only when the current pair starts falling apart. Literally. I have one pair of tennies. I have one pair of sandals and I didn't even pay for the sandals, they were a hand me down from my mother because they gave her toe a blister and she didn't want them anymore. They were cute, and they fit, so I took them.

Anyway I get a lot of benefit from t. And hubby agrees out one side of his mouth that I still need it. But then the comments start coming out the other side of his mouth. I am so confused. I don't envision therapy being a lifelong thing for me. In a lot of ways I am done with it, but there are other things that have come up in our depth work that need to be worked through. My initial reason for going, the initial goals we set, were accomplished. But deeper things than those have surfaced and we are working through those now. As much as I DO want to be done with therapy, I DON'T want to quit while she's still being so helpful to me. I am afraid if I let him talk me into quitting so we can not spend the money then all the hard work I've done will just go down the tubes, then I will be right back at pdoc, and back on the stupid meds that I finally got off of, and the vicious circle will begin again. I don't know that that's the case, but it's what I am afraid of, if I quit too soon because of monetary reasons. I already told him I'm going to be getting some overtime at work soon, it always comes in the summer I've been told. I'll talk to t about cutting back to twice a month instead of weekly. That way I will be spending $130 a month instead of $200 a month for t. That's something at least.

I had wanted to go back to school for an MFA in Creative Writing and I let him talk me out of that. Now I feel like he is trying to talk me out of therapy even though it is so helpful for me. I don't know. I don't know.

How do other people deal with a spouse/significant other being resentful of you spending money on yourself for therapy??

[anilam]

I think it all boils down to your financial situation- do you or don't you have enough money for this?
The way I see it- That's it. No way is spending money on therapy wasting it away but there are some (very few) more important things- food/clothes (Im not into spending much on it too- but ONE pair of shoes, really?!)/house/... not many but some. If you can afford those and still have money left for therapy- I would be inclined to look for some ulterior motifs on his part. Draw a line there if he wont stop- dont let him talk you out of it.
However, you working a full time job AND doing all the work at home would be stg I'd have a discussion over ( unless your H works two jobs)

Arthemis, I don't have anything much to add that hasn't already been said, only I think your husband just doesn't understand the benefits because he has never been to therapy but I also agree that maybe he is scared of the new you. You can now say that you can spend money if you need too, this I think is what is annoying him and scaring him. The fact that you are finally taking care of your needs instead of his. Don't be made to feel guilty about wanting one thing for yourself- you deserve this

[tinyrabbit]

I think Monalisasmile might have hit on something. Is it possible your husband doesn't want you to change?