Couch 51 - They also serve

Thanks Lola. This is my first post on any of the couch threads but I often read them.

((( BonnieJean )))

That certainly isn't a good feeling. I hate leaving sessions feeling badly about the session or T because those feelings tend to linger until they can be addressed..and it feels like forever before you're able to talk it out.

(( HUGS ))

Keep posting I am sorry that you had a rough session.

I haven't gotten a response to my email to T, which I wasn't expecting at all anyway...It was really just for him to have and hopefully read in preparation for my session tomorrow morning. If he chooses not to read it before my session (which I fully expect as well. Considering his attitude towards me at the moment, I doubt he'll go the extra mile for me - or even an extra 1/2 foot), I will be prepared with two copies of the email for us to read together and talk about tomorrow.

I hope I don't get railroaded by his creative comebacks. It reminds me way too much of my abusive ex-boss. I would walk in there confident that I was doing a good job and walk out of there feeling like I was run over by a bus and thinking WHAT just happened?

I hate feeling that way with T. I really hope we can work through this in a calm way.

If you start to feel that way, tell T. Its your session. I left my last and final session after 20 min.

Hey couch.. crazy busy week, followed with a crazy busy weekend... 7 more days until the last day of school, I can feel freedom, it is so near!!!

Thanks, Lola. You're right. It is my session. I'm paying for it, and I can choose not to allow myself to be treated in a way that feels harmful.

I'm wondering if I can figure out how to mirror his behavior - or catch him in a sentence and ask him to explain how he would analyze it if it was said by someone else to him. He'd probably say that I'm being condescending, critical, sarcastic. And then I'd point out that he's speaking to me in a way that doesn't feel healthful - by using judgments and accusations, rather than expressing his feelings which is what he teaches us. Why is that?

I wonder how well that would go over. But again....railroaded....I probably wouldn't be able to keep up with his twisting comebacks.

xgrpcoT told me to imagine her sitting there with me, that she'll be thinking of me and if he goes down the same path, know that it is NOT MY FAULT and that I did NOTHING wrong. I'm going to try to hold onto that. I am not going to take the blame that he so clearly wants me to own. Just plain NO.

It's OK to hate your T. Really, it is.
It was a hard lesson for me to learn, but once I accepted that hating was allowed, I felt much better.

I have learned that it is quite normal to love someone and hate them at the same time. There's no contradiction there at all.

Darkness is a downer for me too.

Thanks, CE. It's difficult for me to grasp that concept.

Alright, couch peeps. I am going to try to get some sleep. (Yeah, right. All I do is toss and turn, ruminate, look at the clock, ruminate some more, get up, walk around, panic, take medication, toss and turn some more, go back on the computer, look at the clock, freak out at how little sleep I will end up getting, close my eyes, realize that every muscle is spasming in my body, notice that I feel like I'm falling off my bed because it's such a cruddy bed, move again, take more meds, get a drink, pee, sigh, go online again, etc. etc. etc.)

I haven't had a real meal in at least a week, probably longer than that.

I really gotta get my sht together....*sigh*

Goodnight....maybe.

tiquila on board again tonight. i forgot the mother was getting a stent in her heart again tonight. she called my hubby and is mad but i am way to drunk to call her .i am such a horrible person

god i hate who i am i just wanted to have a good night. but no i cant the mother has to ruin that for me. god i suck

Granite, you are not a bad person... and she obviously survived. Be kind to you.

Could you see her individually? She sounds okay.

You owe her NOTHING, granite! You are not a bad person, at all. Period. End of story.

You don't have to let her ruin your good night.

I'm really tired tonight. I first read that as I haven't had a real man in at least a week...

No, she sucks. She ruined the evening, she is the one who sucks. All the suckage belongs to the mother.

can i just say again i love you guys now i need to sleep.

night granite, Im out too...too much drama lately has me sick, unable to eat and tired...

Mue - when my current t would get defensive with me - and I'm not saying this would work with your t cuz it's something we did for many years - I would just say, "me? You're getting defensive with me? Who you know loves and adores you so much?" And other mushy stuff that said he was safe with me. And I kind of laughed at him. As in, we're in this together. As in, he's stuck with me now. Like total earth mother. But I know some men - some people - don't like to show that soft side around.

Mine is like El Nino - she affects my personal weather even from thousands of miles and months away.

A wise suggestion from Stopdog: Contacting T while intoxicated or impaired doesn't usually turn out well.

I'm so tired but I need to run to the laundromat and dry some clothes.... It's open 24 hrs but its unattended so its sort of at your own risk... But no one cares about the fat ladies anyway.