Couch 51 - They also serve

Well, working with my dad was a mess this morning. He told me I smelled like a litter box, which meant that I haven't changed it in a while, which means my apartment is dirty, which means I am living in filth.

I hate his "logic." I'll think twice before working with him again.

Hey, there, couchies!

MUE, I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. Is there any chance you can see xgrpcoT on a regular basis? She sounds much more rational than your T.

Lola, I hope you're doing okay and that your trip is helping.

I actually slept 8 hours last night. I don't remember the last time I did that. Then I went to the pool for a swim before heading into the office. Who is this critterlady and what has she done with the real one?

I had a meeting this morning and now shopping with my daughter. Stressed out of my mind about work and 50 million things, but she leaves saturday for Washington DC to compete at a national level in an academic contest and nothing she owns fits her. Poor baby. Being sick has just messed with her on so many levels.

Thanks, MKAC. I actually drafted a response to him and emailed it to xgrpcoT for her feedback. I'm afraid that anything I say on the blog he will use as ammunition to accuse me of intending to harm the group or compromise the integrity of the group and terminating me. Challenging him in any way - overtly or covertly - tends to have that result. I am trying to word it in a more intentional way and not be hurtful, but it's difficult when he perceives anything I say about him as critical, judgmental and dismissive.

I need to be sure that I am able to accept that the risk is that he will remove the post, kick me out of group and terminate me as my T. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.

OTOH, I am also considering just emailing him my detailed response in the hopes that he can digest it, have time to work on his defensive impulses and be able to respond to me in session tomorrow in a more helpful way.

I may ask that we bring on an additional T to help us work through our issue, but I get the sense that any T that works in his office is scared of him. Two of them have admitted it to me, so that doesn't feel like a very promising solution as I'd imagine no one would want to stick their neck out for a client when they have to work for the man.

critterlady, I considered the idea of asking xgrpcoT to be my T, but I'd imagine she won't take me on out of fear of how she will be impacted by my T. Their offices are right next to each other, and he owns the whole place. Even when I wanted to set up a session to talk about this, she suggested doing it by phone to avoid any awkwardness with T.

She also sent me information on a partial hospitalization program and some other places that deal specifically with trauma work. So, I get the sense that working with her would not be feasible. I will, however, ask her to my interim-T if something tragically happens and I'm terminated with my T - to help me get established somewhere else.

MUE... I forget who suggested it but I thought it was a good suggestion. Can you word it so that you are saying "It makes me feel ____ when you say ____"? Can you say it makes me feel like you don't respect my feelings when you say or do___ or It makes me feel like its your way or the highway whenever I say something you don't agree when you don't acknowledge that you've heard me but say I'm just being unwilling?

MUE... you keep saying you are not ready for T to terminate you or for you to leave and find another T but OTOH you say that you know you are upsetting him, that you are risking that he will terminate you, etc... You even have a plan if something "tragically" happens but are you sure you are not subconsciously making it happen so you don't have to talk and work through the trauma?

So how did you leave things with your T and with your group? Can you take a break and sit with this for a while so that you are just not letting your emotions get a head of what you may want in a week or a month?

Thanks, RTS. I am definitely being careful in how I word things. I am stating things that he's said to me and stating how I feel about those things.

I absolutely don't believe that I am trying to make it happen. I need to feel trusting and safe with my T - and after his reaction to me when I tried to set a limit with him, I lost that sense of trust and safety with him. I'm trying to address it with him so we can work past it so I can get back to doing my work.

He told me that I should have talked through my ambivalence about group with him, and I told him I was scared to because of how he's been behaving towards me. Yet, he refuses to see his part it in and blames it on my actions and does everything in his power to point the finger back at me.

I am trying to go about it in a way that may be easier to hear and asking for his help in being able to properly communicate my fears and concerns. I cannot be held responsible for his feelings, especially when all I'm doing is trying to address my fears, perceptions, etc. to my own therapist. I am not doing it in an attacking or hurtful way, but somehow it seems to trigger that reaction in him anyway. He then blames me for his reaction - while trying to teach us to own our own reactions. It's so contradictory, it's confusing.

At the moment, I am feeling cautious about group and not totally committed. I'm still trying to figure it all out without making reactive drastic decisions. The group has been very caring towards me, for the most part. T accused me of being unfair and intending to harm the group. Luckily, the rest of the group members don't feel that way.

As far as T goes, I admitted that I am not feeling very trusting of T right now. And he seems to be using the blog as a way to craft the image in people's minds of how it's all me and not him at all. I don't know how to respond to that at the moment. Hence, another reason why I am emailing him and asking for his help in how to properly address this with him.

hey just jumping in to say hi

Hi Granite!

wow you must be so proud of her .whats up with work???

Hi all coming to you barley alive from Wyoming...... Left at 5 am it's 1pm here..I lost 2 hours

Well T called me instead of responding in email, she felt it was better to try to "talk it out". I was on the phone with her about 15 minutes, she kept saying I sounded hesitant and asking if I was okay. She said to think about what I want to do and let her know. She said we can talk it through at my next appointment.

In other news, while I was on the phone with her another call beeped in. I didn't want to put T on hold, so I ignored it. When I got off with T and checked my messages, I had one from Walmart asking if I was still interested in employment and offeringme an interview. I accepted as the senior care place said they would "try" to give me enough hours, but could not guarantee it. So, I have an interview at Walmart tomorrow morning. Maybe they will hire me, so I wil have an additional part time opportunity to earn income this summer.

Waiting to go in for marriage counseling and one of the other therapists (a woman) greeted a female client with, "hey cutie, how are you today?" Ugh. WTF? The client is a grown woman. I find that completely horrifying.

Hi couch. I'm afraid I haven't kept up with the couch at all today. MUE, I think changing languages (to ASL) might be a very good idea. I think that a lot of my ability to speak at all in therapy is due to my T's willingness to switch languages.

It's been a good day, graduation day. Very sunny, warm, full of flowers and happy, happy kids who are close to my heart.

Thanks, Mastodon.

The idea of leaving my T is heartbreaking because I've grown attached to him. I am hoping that we can get beyond this rupture and be in a better place as a result of it. I don't want to be coerced into submitting to him. That would not be healthy.

The ASL idea sounds awesome to me too, but I know a lot of people in the deaf and ASL community, so I'm a bit cautious about the idea. But I will look into it. Also, the partial hospitalization program is an option as well, but that one scares me a bit.

xgrpcoT emailed me some links to pages that identify aspects of abusive Ts. She said that he doesn't meet all of the ideas but definitely some. That scares me. Big time. Especially when it's coming from a T that has worked with him. And my exH's ex-T also mentioned a couple things here and there that I probably took too lightly - but indicated that he seemed afraid of my T.

I don't want him turning into a monster in my eyes. I know he doesn't deserve that after all the good work we've done over the years. But, I also need to face the reality that if we can't overcome this hurdle, I have to do what's healthy for me. And that's scary.

Mastodon, I'm so glad you had a good day and had such a nice experience. Happy kids warm the heart.

Tonight, I am going to an award ceremony at my daughter's school. She is one of many who achieved a 3.8 GPA or greater for the 1st three marking periods who are being recognized tonight. I am so proud.

MUE this sounds so incredibly difficult.

I know it isn't quite the same thing, but there was a time when my T and ex's T were sharing their feelings about each other with us. It was very confusing and made it so hard to know what was my stuff, their stuff and the other T's stuff. I heard some things about my T from ex's T and it made me question some of what I thought I knew about my T. The two T's worked in the same practice and my T ended up leaving to start his private practice during this time. Sadly, there were some personal issues going on between them that made their way into my (and my ex's) therapy and that is unfortunate.
For a time I found myself becoming a bit afraid of my T and afraid that the aggression that I was told about, and the anger that I sensed about this situation was going to be directed at me. I got the feeling that he couldn't be objective at that time with things related to my husband or various other issues, because he was involved with this outside relationship that was causing him distress.
It was a very difficult time for me, my life just happened to be falling apart right at the time that T was having interpersonal issues with others that seemed to be making their way into the T space with us. He and I spoke about it a bit...very scary and difficult for me to bring up. The thing is I realized that I had to really trust my own gut when it came to my relationship with T. Even though I heard about things from other people that knew and worked with him and those things (such as him being aggressive and unethical and all sorts of other things) happened to push some of my fear triggers, I had to really think about how T was with me. I had to try really hard to separate out what I experienced working with T and if I wanted to keep working with him, from the extra information that I was hearing about him that was coloring some of my perceptions. I was quite confused for a while and heartbroken and scared but when I really thought about how T treated me and what my gut was telling me, I realized that I wanted to stay with T. I decided that how T was in his dealings with other people, outside of the room, didn't really have any bearing on how he was in his treatment of me. He did also realize that he was letting a bit of his stress and frustration seep into the room and once he realized it, it got better.

Boy I can go on, sorry. My point is that you have to trust yourself in this MUE. I have wondered about your T for a while. some things have caused me to feel that he is not the best T for you. And it is helpful to get outside validation from others that some of what you are perceiving from T they have also seen. I just want you to recognize that you have the power to decide for yourself how you feel about T and what you want to do in the future. If you are anything like me, perhaps you can feel pressured into believing and doing what others want and I just want you to try to think about what you want and what makes you feel safe.

UGhhh. sorry I went on like that

On a happier note- after all of the earing talk on the couch recently, I was inspired to try some earrings. I was sure that I'd have to re-pierce them again after all this time, but I had no trouble getting them in. Only tried the bottom holes so far as I know the others are going to be a problem.

I'm attempting to get myself all "put-together" for the job hunt. I will dress nice, wear jewelry, tame my hair....but I will not be succumbing to pressure to wear make up or heels or anything of the sort. Hope that doesn't hurt my chances. Gotta be me though, right.
Going to a hiring event tomorrow and am very nervous but figure I should give it a shot. Putting the finishing touches on my resume and cover letter. Not something I ever expected to do again. Oh well. That's life.

Murray you can do this..... how awesome a new chapter. We are here for ya.

Why is it that when the sun goes down is when I get sad everyday

Greetings all. Can't stay and play. Later.

Thanks, Murray.

My gut tells me that I am being harmed. But I have been known to perceive harm when there is none...and I've been known to not sense harm when I am in a harmful situation. So, it's difficult to trust my feelings.

The validation that I got from xgrpcoT was incredibly valuable as her sharing of her experience directly paralleled what I've been going through with him. It helped me understand that I'm not just creating all of this in my own mind. Knowing that this is a behavioral pattern with T when he comes up against this challenge is a relief because I can more clearly see what he's doing and not take ownership of his stuff.

At the same time, if others have been unable to help him see it...and he hasn't done anything to work through this issue...and for cryin outloud, he's a T that advocates for better communication...I have very little hope that I will be successful. But I can't sit back and let it happen either.

Good luck with the hiring event, Murray!

And ((( LOLA ))) - I hear you about the sadness that occurs at night. Most of my anxiety and panic attacks occur at night as well.

Hi Ike! Bye Ike! LOL

Lola, my experience is that nighttime almost always brings my mood down. For me, I think it's that there are fewer distractions at night and I'm more in my thoughts than I am during the busy day.

I hope it gets lighter for you soon.

My t just wasn't very attuned to me today. She said something about risking love even though there was a known loss that I was getting very emotional about. Before I could express verbally it she started talking about scheduling and June 17th and something else. I said "wait, it is too much, I can't understand what you're saying." Because I was so emotionally pulled by that comment she made about risk my thinking was muddled. I still have no idea what she was saying...

At the end she kept trying to get me to commit to finding strength is some concrete item or something. I have no idea why she thought I needed strength or how she thought an inanimate object would provide that for me. I tried to tell her I didn't think it would work but she was buzzing the next patient into the outside door and didn't respond.

I feel very confused and misunderstood. She's not normally like this. I felt very unimportant to her today. Makes me sad. Sorry - I just had to tell someone.

Im sorry Bonnie, maybe it was an off day....most times a good T is intune with you, but even then sometimes things are just lost. I hope next time is better.