[granite1]

i have been obsessing about self compassion lately. i tend to feel it is a bunch of crap. it is all about being completely self absorbed. it's a way to justify not really giving a crap about anyone else.it's selfish and not a good thing.
i see a lot of T saying you need to have self compassion. be kind to yourself (or that abused child inside) .i don't think i am alone in having a bad reaction to this. feeling is all bull crap . etc.. having a horrible self hate reaction to being told i need to do this. it makes me feel like i am the most horrible selfish person in the whole world.
my T tells me i deserve compassion as do others. she asks the old question would you have compassion for someone else .to answer honestly i am not sure .i have been told i am selfish and don't etc..this realization makes me feel more like a monster.
i know who i am, what i believe with every part of me. my T tells me there is a different way .i deserve compassion. how can i ever believe this? i want to, i really do .i don't want to feel guilty or like i need to be punished if i happened to feel compassion or something good about myself
my T saying these things changes nothing inside me. i hear her but words don't seem to change at all. i know that the lessons i have been taught all my life run deep .they are at the core of who i am. words wont ever change that at all. it leaves me feeling so broken. i know that it needs to change in me but have no idea how . it is how i see the world and myself. i hear so much that you just need to change how you look at things . but i feel so much this is who i am i don't know how to change the core of who i am. this will never change in me. i wonder about the old saying you cant love others until you love yourself . i hate the world and me and it is sad that i don't think that can change most of the time

[tinyrabbit]

Granite, you seem to be doing some very black and white thinking here - the way you describe it, it's as if you have a choice between only thinking about yourself vs. only thinking about others.

You can treat yourself with compassion and still give a crap about other people. What is your idea of compassion? What do you think it actually involves? What about just doing a few little kind things for yourself?

No T's just saying what you need to do doesn't work. It's the gradual progression of the internalisation process that brings about true & lasting self understanding & compassion.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

No T's just saying what you need to do doesn't work. It's the gradual progression of the internalisation process that brings about true & lasting self understanding & compassion.

Yeah. Otherwise it's just a patch. But I think granites t needs to see the world as granite does. Which even I don't understand. Not that I'm so smart or anything. But like, I can't polish my nails or keep a clean house because then I would be visible, and that would be dangerous. So I put up those walls. So maybe the question is, what walls do you put up? Idk.

Hankster, I don't think I was saying granite 'shouldn't see the world as granite does. I'm confused.
If a child says I keep burning my hand when I touch the oven door. Do we sit by & simy say 'yes you do' or do we say 'yes you do, but if you held the handle it wouldn't burn'?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Hankster, I don't think I was saying granite 'shouldn't see the world as granite does. I'm confused.
If a child says I keep burning my hand when I touch the oven door. Do we sit by & simy say 'yes you do' or do we say 'yes you do, but if you held the handle it wouldn't burn'?

No no I said her T needs to see the world as granite does. I think her advice is too generic. That's why, as you say, better to change the internal messages than the outward actions? My prev t told me to find a partner - I was like, but I always mess up my relationships - what will be different this time? I needed to change inside.

[Brightheart]

I definitely believe in self-compassion, but I think the road to getting there can be very bumpy and difficult. Ironic that it seems to most difficult to care for ourselves...

Maybe the angry parts of you need a voice first? It may help to breathe a space between yourself and the feelings, if you can. Try to observe and acknowledge them, without judgment of self. I understand this can be very challenging.

Learning self-compassion can take a lot of time and a lot of work, but I do believe we all deserve compassion and gentle care.

[Mapleton]

I am definitely not a person that thinks that I have everything figured out, but I will say that all of the power for fixing whats broken, comes from within, and not from the therapist (although they are very useful as a guide, and to help with things like a little extra motivation.)

I also don't think that we really change; because we can never truly forget. I think what happens is we refine, adapt and forgive. Which looks a lot like change, and can be what we actually need.

I hope I can reach that state.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

No T's just saying what you need to do doesn't work. It's the gradual progression of the internalisation process that brings about true & lasting self understanding & compassion.

i guess the problem is i dont have a clue as to how to do this .i just see what my T says about this stuff as words and only internalize all the negitive crap.or i guess that crap is already there so i dont need to internalize that. i want to accually have it be more then just words or how to inplement those words into feelings

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

Yeah. Otherwise it's just a patch. But I think granites t needs to see the world as granite does. Which even I don't understand. Not that I'm so smart or anything. But like, I can't polish my nails or keep a clean house because then I would be visible, and that would be dangerous. So I put up those walls. So maybe the question is, what walls do you put up? Idk.

i think most times i see the world and most (not all) people as confusing ,mean,scarey,hard,unforgiving,unbending,and the list goes on

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by granite1

my T saying these things changes nothing inside me. i hear her but words don't seem to change at all. i know that the lessons i have been taught all my life run deep .they are at the core of who i am. words wont ever change that at all.

dear granite
it was words that gave you that belief in the first place.
words CAN change it.
If you allow it.
I know, I find it hard too.

But although I wonder if I can ever make it happen
I believe it can.

[WikidPissah]

Granite...
There is WAY more good in the world than evil.
Take the explosions at the Boston marathon. A FEW people decided to unleash evil on the city. THOUSANDS of people reached out and tried to help. Your life (and mine) was filled with evil when you were growing up. But we aren't children, we can chose who we are around now. Once we got out of those four walls there were thousands of good people to care for us. Your H is one. Your son another. Your T another. Your friends (hope that includes me) are others. You have filled your life with good people, that is self care.

[feralkittymom]

Granite, I kind of agree with you about "self-compassion" feeling selfish, or at least kind of icky.
My FOO certainly didn't give me any reason to believe I deserved any kind of positive regard, so how could I possibly look at myself that way? And if I did somehow, it would have to be bad--because that's who I was in my head.

What changed it for me--and thankfully, my T never used that sort of what to me sounds like New Age-y language--was my relationship with him. It took a long time for me to be willing to accept that he valued me because I was a good person. And it was often one step forward, two steps back. It wasn't something I did for myself: my only task was to allow space for the possibility that his beliefs about me could be true. Slowly, I realized bit by bit that I either had to believe him, or decide that he was an inauthentic idiot. I couldn't cherry pick and accept only the ideas that fit with my self-hate. But it wasn't just about words he said; it was his actions, his many demonstrations of positive regard that made the difference. The transference allowed me to more easily trust and value him, and that, in turn, upped the ante: his words and actions held more weight for me.

Once I had to admit that these positive attributes existed, then my job was to work on incorporating them into my consciousness, even when I didn't believe in them. I had to allow for the possibility, then act differently.

[Perna]

I got a glimmer of self compassion when I felt sorry for myself for having to put up with so much garbage from myself. By "felt sorry for myself" I don't mean in a self absorbed, whiny way, I just mean I noticed I was stuck under all this negativity and all these ugly self-problems. I felt sorry for the person getting in her own way and trying so hard to bring herself down. The mother isn't doing it now, we are doing it to ourselves? Poor us.

[WikidPissah]

Have you written anything to b u m p around in session this week?

[WikidPissah]

Like maybe just the sentence:
"I am afraid of talking about trauma."

[granite1]

i don't know wiki .i do want to talk more to her about all of this but i am scared of my reactions.like leaving there and feeling so so horrible about myself that i want to SI and everything. it hurts so much to see how i am like the mother and i truly hate that little person inside me that seems to have needs and all that crap .it gets me so angry. i wish i could find a way to talk without all that.i just think it is such a crazy thing for me to have such a ridiculously crazy overreaction to

[feralkittymom]

Granite, I don't think your feelings are an overreaction--they just are what they are. My experience is that all feelings that are resisted seem to grow bigger and more fearsome. It's like trying to hold a beachball under water--the more force, the greater the push back.

Have you talked to your T about the fear that the feelings will overwhelm you and cause you to hurt yourself? That seems like a worthy discussion to have, and keeps the issues at a bit of a distance which might feel safer.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by granite1

i don't know wiki .i do want to talk more to her about all of this but i am scared of my reactions.like leaving there and feeling so so horrible about myself that i want to SI and everything. it hurts so much to see how i am like the mother and i truly hate that little person inside me that seems to have needs and all that crap .it gets me so angry. i wish i could find a way to talk without all that.i just think it is such a crazy thing for me to have such a ridiculously crazy overreaction to

That little person inside you, is you. The only one that can treat her as well as she should be treated, is you.

Find a way, in therapy, to be kinder to yourself. I've read that anger is essentially rooted in fear.