Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T
I am working hard at tring to find a job. I just think its a little bit strange that one of the main reasons i want a job is so i can see you more often. I do realise it has other benefits self-esteem, being able to afford a place of my own. But it is really all about you at the moment. I'm a freak.

Hey T,
I'm embarrassed about the email I sent you.
I really need help, but I am too ashamed to contact you.
I hope I can make it on my own until September.

this is true, and also I've realised something...

Dear T,

Okay, I admit it, I was jealous when I found alternative-T on Facebook and saw you in her friends list. Jealous that you got to be friends with each other, jealous because you liked a picture of her cat (one of the only things visible on her page). But then I got to thinking. Some people don't like the one-sidedness of therapy, the not-knowing their therapist, the fact that it's the T's job and their life. But that doesn't bother me so much. Maybe because your therapy style involves bringing yourself to the relationship and I do feel I know you, I just don't know about all the trivial clutter of your everyday life. Maybe because I need this kind of relationship.

Whatever the reason, I like the one-sidedness. I like the fact that all I have to do is turn up and pay, and expect things from you. The last relationship I had where I just had to turn up, it was with my parents and they didn't fulfil my expectations, so I need this. I need a space that's for me and about me. And while I don't know what's going on in your everyday life, what you had for breakfast or what you're watching on TV, I feel that, in the therapy room, I experience you in much more intimate, important ways. You told me you feel privileged to do your job, to be with people intimately in their struggles. Do you feel privileged to look at pictures of people's cats? Would I trade the attention and intimacy of therapy for the background noise of social media? I asked myself that, and I thought about all the friends I interact with on there, the people who like pictures of MY cat. Is that better than what I get from you? No, it's not. Would I rather have that kind of relationship with you? No, I wouldn't. And of course I can show you a picture of my cat any time I want.

I think it was good that I had this experience and worked through it. I went to see alternative-T and talked about you a little. I thought: she knows you in one way, but I know you differently, and I'd rather know you the way I do. I'm not going to tell you about this because I'm embarrassed that I was jealous. But I'd rather you were my therapist than my FB friend any day. It's not really about the cat, or Facebook, of course. But it is about you.

TR

That was beautifully written tiny, and I learned from it too

T, I have to admit, for most of last week, I was mad at you for not getting back to me. I was in crisis and I needed you. I was a bit confused as how you could not get back to me after emailing twice and calling twice, obviously something was wrong. Then, you called me back and then texted me the next day to make sure I was alright.. The anger disappeared. I appreciate you finally getting back to me.. I do, however, want to talk about what it takes for you to get back to me in a timely fashion when I feel like I am in crisis.

Dear T, maybe I was wrong in thinking that you couldn't be trusted. I really didn't think you cared and I wondered if all you wanted to do was get rid of me. Last session, you really tried to connect with me and I even thought you were just acting nice all of a sudden. Maybe I should give this a chance. Maybe I should stop fighting you when all you're trying to do is help me. I want to try and trust you, because maybe you can be trusted. I think if you'd ask me about what happened, I'd tell you now...

I definitely think you should talk about this - better to have a concrete idea that your T may not reply for X amount of time than to be left wondering.

Today is not so very good and I wish you were here to walk me through this. I know I will see you soon, but at this very moment I am struggling.

Sorry to hear that, precious

Thanks...do you ever just have those moments where you want your T to intuitively know you need them? I know he is there for me if I reached out, but sometimes it would be mind-blowing awesome if he could read my mind and check on me....stupid and silly, I know.

Not stupid or silly AT ALL. Totally know what you mean. Just remember your T's inability to read your mind doesn't mean he doesn't care.

This is where I would try to follow the "rules" of therapy, and force myself to tell him I'm jealous. This is also where the dentist comparison comes from - it'll be painful, but you will be so relieved after it's done! And the jealousy is probably not in fact about the two t's - realistically, what are they to you? You didnt even know them a year ago! It's the transference story you've pasted on them that needs looking at, and that is about your own stuff. And I can't see you saying you don't want to look at your own stuff. Amirite? (It's a synthetic jewel found on pc! )

I would agree if I hadn't worked through it on my own already. As to who my T actually is to me, I don't buy the idea that he's just a vessel for transference. He's a real person to me.

Dear T,
I'm not worth it.
Mastodon

We all feel worthless but that's a lie we were told. You are worth it.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk 2

My head is ****ed.

Yes you are!

You totally are worth it!!

Thank you - that is very nice to hear, but with respect, I know me and you don't
I do appreciate your saying that though.

With respect, I know you and you don't.

Dear T,

So I have some MAJOR decisions to make this week and of course it just so happens to be the week you are not here /: Why do things like that always seem to happen to me? Totally irritating and just reminds me of how alone I am. I do think seeing you is helping me though and I sense there just might be a purpose to all of this...that's HUGE as I've felt beyond depressed for so long I can't remember when I felt like maybe my life mattered for some reason.

I wish I could see you this week because I'm terribly afraid but I know I'll make it. I'm still holding on...

With respect, your supposed knowledge of yourself is clouded by faulty thinking that tells you lies about whether or not you are worth it. Yeah, you know you. Doesn't mean you're the best judge of whether you're worth it. I know enough to know you are worth it, that it's worth arguing about whether you're worth it, and it's worth not letting your insistence that you are worthless convince you that you're not worth being told you're not worthless.

Hopefully you're now too confused to argue...

Dear main T--
Did you really have to bring up such a painful topic right before your 3 week vacation??? You know that my family doesn't call and I have to call them. You know that I am all alone and it scares me to death.

When I say I will miss you, silence is a bad response. If you can't say I will miss you too a thank you would've done alright.

CBT dude, help me through t's vacation. Sorry you will be picking up pieces.

GrowlyCat,

I'm sorry that your T could not find it in his heart to say he will miss seeing you too. Gee, would it have killed him? Apparently, he was caught off guard. Maybe (if he gives it any thought & lets hope he does) he will make it up to you upon his return and say something nice.

Don't be scared. You'll be O.K. Play you're favorite music or watch some good movies. Call without thinking about who called who last. Your family is always happy to hear from you and that's the main thing, no? Glad to hear you have your CBT "dude" to see you through.

Dear T,

Tomorrow, please tell me that this was all a bad dream. That you never met with and spoke to my manager. That you did not disclose confidential information to someone who is NOT a therapist by any stretch of the imagination. Please tell me that my manager did not try to get back at me (for something I told you in strict confidence) by spreading vicious rumors about me all around the office. Please, please say it isn't so and was all a bad dream. It's unconscionable to think you both would hurt me like that. I mean what are the odds? Both of you hating me?? I always lose so I guess the odds are in my favor.

You will never understand what you've done to me and how much you've hurt me.