Couch 55...And on it goes....

Excellent! I see this a positive step.

If you feel abandoned, then that's how you feel.

Well...I applied for am 825 buck loan (3 tests at 200 a pop) and another 225 to add the 3 subjects (75 a piece) to my certificate after I take and pass the tests...they only approved me for 500. Better than nothing, I guess. I can use it to pay for 2 of my tests and to add one of the subjects I take a test in to my certificate. I'm paying 29% interest due to my poor credit, but minimum payments are under a 100 a month, so it's managable. I can always pay more than the minimum payment as there is no penalty for early payoff. So I like having that "cushion" should I need it.

All the test dates this week and next week were full until Sat the 20th, so I take my first one that day. Then the next week they had a few, but none at times I could work around my work schedule with, so the 2nd one I take on the 27th.

I am holdong off on the english because I know I can pass it and because it has an essay component, so you aren't given "unofficial" results at the test center like you are for other tests. I want to have the unofficial results to show until my official ones come in. Just to prove I passed.

Well...I need to go shower, so I don't stink in T tomorrow morning.

I'll pop back in later tonight.

I hope everyone has a good night.

Stopdog wasn't going after MUE, she was going after me, I called her a moral nihilist on another thread. It was meant as a joke though.

Even a moral nihilist thinks things are wrong, they think people who see right and wrong are ultimately wrong. I don't tell people how to live unless they ask for my advice, but I will reach out and help people in need. If that makes me a do-gooder, so be it. I'd hate to see the world without do-gooders...no volunteer fire stations, no homeless shelters, no rape advocates, no symphony orchestras...etc., etc., etc....

I don't believe myself to be a "good" person. I know I am ultimately just a screw up, but hopefully when I leave earth I'll be a screw up that made a difference somewhere.

A nihilist thinks that pretty much everything is wrong.
I don't think Stopdog is really a nihilist.

Ugh. Feeling a bit upset at the moment.

I know that I'm reaching my cap on T sessions for the year, so the rest of my sessions will be out of pocket. Obviously, I can't afford it, and T has mentioned before that he would "work with me" on the cost, etc. I just can't bring myself to do it.

I learned last week that a group member and her H see T for the cost of a copay because they no longer have insurance. I learned today that T sees another group member "pro bono".

I wish people wouldn't tell me these things.

I was not going after you, I was acknowledging I am a nihilist.
I do pretty much believe:
Ethical nihilism (moral nihilism) rejects the possibility of absolute moral or ethical values. Good and evil are vague, and related values are simply the result of social and emotional pressures. Existential nihilism affirms that life has no intrinsic meaning or value.

Thanks, CE. I guess I just wasn't sure if that really fit for me or not. But the more I explored it, the more it led to me discovering my roles and how his decision to not attend impacted how I felt. Good stuff.

It is very hot here and one of my dogs wants to walk and the other just sits on the couch and looks at me like I am crazy when I get out his leash and will not go.

If you are a deserving case (and I'm sure you are), I hope you won't feel ashamed about asking.

Hmm. That's a good point.

I don't feel deserving, as I know I have been difficult when it comes to addressing the tough issues. I could have had trauma work resolved by now if I didn't avoid it so much.

Also, since T tried to terminate me recently, I'd imagine that T wouldn't be interested in lowering his fee for me - as it would give him less incentive to put up with me.

Also, the one person who said that T sees her and her H for a copay told me that she was trying to get an appt. with him the week before his vacation and couldn't get in because T was booked. I saw T earlier that day - and he mentioned that he was trying to see people before he left. I offered to give up my 2nd session that week so that he could see someone else in need, and he responded saying it wasn't necessary because he still had some slots available. Hearing the group member say that they couldn't get in because T was booked (when I talked to him earlier that same day where he said he had sessions available) left me wondering if he deliberately made himself unavailable to them because he wasn't being compensated fully.

I also believe that it impacts the relationship - creates an even greater imbalance in the relationship.

Then again, I have been a reliable client who doesn't cancel and always pays....and has paid probably in excess of $18,000 to T over the last 4 years.

I just can't stand the idea of T seeing me for less $ - yet I'm angry, envious and resentful that others are able to do it. ACK.

MUE, often my T says he has or doesn't have openings not really being aware of scheduling changes that have been made since the last time he looked at his schedule. If there is a secretary doing the scheduling, the secretary is really the person who knows what is really going on with a T's schedule. Mine may have last looked at a schedule that was printed of two days previous, so he isn't aware of recent updates.

Thanks, Chris.

My T does his own scheduling. I did think to myself that it was possible that T just wasn't able to accommodate the times that they were available - even though she said T was booked. I'm just struggling with the idea of being seen as 'less than' because I am in a hardship position. T admitted to me that he sees "more than his fair share of clients pro-bono and it doesn't pay the bills". I'd hate to be one of them.

i would think mue this would be a case of let the T take care of himself .if he offers a lower rate take it .he does know how to take care of himself and has proven that ,although i would talk to him about your concerns about his attitude towards people he charges a lower rate to

Hope they play this next month.

Thanks, granite. You're right. T can take care of himself. I highly doubt that T would make the offer again to reduce his price or work with me on the price - he would expect me to ask. And I doubt I will do that. I am my own worst enemy.

Hi Ike!

Hi Mue, hope you are doing well. I'm having a hard time keeping up.

Keeping what up? Bahahaha....just kidding, just kidding.

Good to hear from ya! How's life treating you?

Someone texted me tonite a picture of a woman with a low cut blouse tending bar somewhere. i did not recognize the number or the woman. My wife handed me the phone when I got notice of an incoming text. If she had looked at the text i would have been in deep Caca. Crises narrowly averted.

Going thru the motions. Honeymoon is over at work. They actually expect me to work. I haven't been this closely supervised in years. I don't care for it much.

That's a point. Therapists are not known for their ruthless efficiency and grasp of technical details. Madame T was no push-over, but she still managed to double-book!

My T told me he had "lots of openings" for the first week in August. I called first thing the next morning and the receptionist said he had one opening, Fri morning at 9. My T is not built for scheduling. lol

Yikes, Ike! Glad that the crisis was averted. That would've been a tough one to navigate through.

...And I hear you about being closely monitored at work. I couldn't stand being micro-managed...of course, my boss was very abusive and always looked for opportunities to be demoralizing towards me.

I go with T's receptionist when it comes to scheduling.. and I have quickly learn to schedule a couple of weeks out to assure a spot in the schedule. Otherwise T will say schedule for a week, assuming he has the time, but he really doesn't!

Just spent 3hrs at a booth at my county fair. The kind of people you see an a county fair in upstate ny, are interesting..