Couch 56...Getting Back to our roots

(((( pbutton )))) - The bubbling up of intense feelings can be overwhelming. I hope you can be kind to yourself and work on ways to take care of yourself through the waves of intensity.

((( RTS ))) - It's true that taking action is what paves the way to change - and I know that sometimes sucks a s s. I wish there was an easier way. I too feel a bit stuck in my life and know that it would require big changes in order for me to get out of where I am. T tells me that the discomfort of staying where I am needs to exceed the discomfort of the fear of change before I will move forward.

MUE, that's so frustrating about your neuro. I'm sorry it'll take so long for you to get him to see him.

I've been trying to set up an appointment with a neuro, for my migraines. I can't even get through to a human in the office. I left a message a couple of days ago, but haven't heard back. When I call, it just rings through to voicemail, which assures me that they'll call back within 24 hours. Um, yeah, sure. I'm thinking that means I won't get an appointment until Thanksgiving.

Thanks, critter. I hope you're able to get through and get an appt. within a decent time frame. I see my neurologist for migraines too, and I hope you're able to get some relief. The botox treatments work pretty well for me, as long as I get them every 3 months. Because of this scheduling screw-up, it'll be 5 months before my next treatment (if the dr has any of the med on hand). Historically, waiting that long is a nightmare waiting to happen. I am trying not to be all doom and gloom about it - but as I sit here in agony with a migraine and neck/back/sciatic pain after being screwed over, I'm having a pity party for myself at the moment.

I have about 2 hours to decide whether or not I am going to cancel my T session for tomorrow.

I'm not in a good place right now, feeling very silent and empty and let down in life. I don't see how seeing T will help. I know I need to take action in order to feel better, but I am in so much pain that it just feels totally hopeless.

Since I haven't had a session since the end of June, I'd imagine there would need to be some time of working towards reconnecting. It would feel like a waste, because I don't feel up to "working" right now.

I can't afford to waste a session, especially since they are out of pocket now that I reached my cap for the year - and I need to face the realization that my income at the moment will barely cover my mortgage and put me in the hole each month - let alone afford therapy. Yet, I am still in denial about all of that.

I'm also still quite upset and disappointed about how T 'gave away' my session last week - it was to be my first session in nearly a month, the longest I have gone without seeing him - and he gave it away....and maybe I just want to cancel as a way to show him that I don't "neeeeeed" him. It won't hurt him - and I don't really want to hurt him - as he has told me that he has a waiting list a mile long, so I'm sure he'd get someone to fill the slot with no problem. A false sense of power, I suppose.

Yet, if I cancel, I know I will feel badly about it. I've always taken pride in being one of those clients that stuck with their commitments. The disconnect between me and T will grow. It will take that much longer to get back into the work. And I miss him.

*sigh*

I hate feeling so indecisive.

MUE... what does your T usually say about you coming when you are in pain? Does he want you to still come? Is he understanding of it?

When I am in pain, we usually focus on that - and he basically gives me suggestions of what to do, what to try, etc. - which are usually things I've already tried, have trouble with or can't afford.

He has told me that he feels helpless, at times, and that he doesn't know when to push to do "real therapy work" (eg. trauma work) when I'm in pain. Since pain is something that I have to live with until I find a real solution, T and I have talked about doing the real work in spite of the pain.

At the moment, though, the pain is only part of the situation - feeling lifeless is the stronger component at the moment.

Maybe it would be best to go then... talk about how hard it is to deal with disappointments....

I emailed T and got a response back from him in like 10 mins. He is never that fast, ever!! LOL.. I must of caught him when he was checking his mail or something. I skimmed through what he read, but haven't really had time to sit down and read it. It just felt good that he got back to me! One of the feelings that came out of our appointment on Monday was how I just wanted to somebody to care. To give me enough attention to realize that something had happened to me and ask if I was ok. I still feel like that at times.. I need to take care of my kids, my students at school, when we were in leadership at church we were the ones doing the helping, not the other way around. I just want to feel cared for!!

Anyways, I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!! I hope I can stop whining on the couch soon!

Healed, I'm glad your T got back to you - and so quickly!

Welp, I called and cancelled my T session for tomorrow.

Of course, right after I called, I regretted my decision. But I know that feeling will pass - and ultimately, I'll be glad that it'll be another week without T fees. I'm not feeling up to dealing with life, so it's just as well.

This migraine is horrible, and I have 2 hours before I have to get ready for an assignment. God help me, I need the pain to lessen enough to be able to function. I'm going to go lay down.

Sorry you had to cancel mue! That must be a hard to do!

To me, this indicates an independent and self-reliant spirit. You were going to take action and find your own way out. I see that as admirable.

Some people naturally need time alone. I think that says more about your personality than your history.

))Stopdog((

these are the times we need a LOL button...

Just checking in...taking the kid for a swim...then dinner ...then who knows.

Not doing well. Ugh...

Laters peeps.

Thanks, Healed. It was hard to do, but I imagine that I would feel awful either way. At least this way I can feel awful and save some money at the same time.

I am meeting an ex-group T member for lunch tomorrow. I scheduled it so that we could have lunch right before my T session. We already had to cancel a couple times before, so I told her that we were still on for tomorrow even though I have a migraine. A lunch date is much easier to tolerate than a T session when I feel like this - and less expensive - and doesn't need to be "productive" to be worthwhile.

My migraine is barely more bearable at the moment, but I am thankful for at least that because I can't imagine having to spend 3 hours interpreting tonight in a college classroom setting (constant signing) with the migraine as bad as it was an hour ago.

Time to hop in the shower and be on my way.....

Wow MUE... I imagine depending on the class subject that signing for a college class could be really difficult... I wonder what the sign is for debit or credit for accounting would be? or maybe you just sign BORING....

Oh, MUE, sorry about your migraine. I feel your pain. And I mean that literally.

I'm not optimistic about getting an appointment with a neurologist anytime soon. It's been two days and I can't even get through to just make an appointment. Crazy.

Or, you know, SEXY....

LOL....Yes, it can be difficult. My very first experience interpreting in a classroom setting was a college business statistics class. OMG, THAT was terrifying and difficult. And I survived. Having that be my first experience has left me less anxious about other college classroom assignments.

Ugh, critter! Maybe it would be worthwhile to look into alternate neurologists in the area? You know I feel for you and would hate for you to suffer any longer than you have to.

And so begins the hunt for somebody to care for my son during the school year.. I just e-mailed our provider that watch him during the last half of the year asking if she wanted to do it again. We offered about a $15 pay raise a week, which really isn't much compared to the going rate for daycare providers in this area.. So, if we don't go with her, I don't know who we are going to get that we can afford!

Healed, that certainly is an anxiety-producing task! I hope last year's provider is willing to take it or that you find someone soon that is within your budget.

Is he old enough to go to the preschool class at the school you teach at? do they let teacher kids go free or discount?

Nope, he is not old enough to go to our school this year.. We were going to try to put him in a program somewhere else, but he just seems too immature for a classroom setting this year.. he turns 4 in January and we might look into it again.