Couch 56...Getting Back to our roots

no reason to lock it down Ready...I just honestly didn't know what to say. It sux that you have to go thru that...not fair at all.

Just emailed t since he did assure me it would be ok if I did so this week. I just shared that I am having a hard time trying to figure out what to do with the feelings I have been having and that I just want to get it all out, but don't have anybody to talk to about it. Hopefully he doesn't see my email as pointless!!

I suppose it is time to start to get ready for the day! I hope you all have a great day.

I went to bed early for me last night - a little after 9. Just absolutely wiped out by court and therapy. Mostly therapy, I think.

One of the "easier" things we talked about was how when I was little we used to go every Sunday to see my grandmother on my dad's side. On the way there, we would pass these abandoned buildings. Starting about the time I was 5 or 6, I would daydream about running away and living in those abandoned buildings. As I got older, I would plan which blanket I could sneak out the house, how much food I could take, etc. The stopping thing in my fantasy was that I didn't think I could walk that far -- it was about 30 minutes of driving to the first abandoned house. My T says that is not a "normal" fantasy, even for abused children. He says most fantasize about rescue or a loving family or that they are actually adopted and their "real" parents will come and find them. He says the fact that I fantasized about being completely alone in an abandoned building is significant and he SAYS it means the abuse was really severe. At that point, I decided not to tell him about the cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere fantasy.

Did any of you fantasize about living all alone? Finding an abandoned building and staying there? Is that really such an odd thing for a small child to think about? Honestly, rescue never seemed possible. When I did daydream about rescue, it was always ME rescuing ME. Someone else caring enough to help me seemed outside the realm of possibilities.

((( MKAC )))

I don't think it's an odd thing for a child to think about.

I never dreamed about someone rescuing me. Then again, I never had anyone IRL that I would want to "save me". My most common recurring dream was about being in the woods through a snowstorm and finding comfort in a cave....or plunging off the roof of my house to my death.

Wow MKAC...that is odd, because I used to think the same thing. There was this old abandoned trolley station in the woods not too far from my house. I used to fantasize about going to live there, I would daydream about sweeping it out and painting the floor multiple colors. Today I always fantasize about running away into the woods, getting off the grid and living alone. I've even spent hours googling "how to disappear". (there's some good info by the way!). I just thought I was crazy. I could never leave my brother back then, but funny it never once occurred to me to bring him. And now I could never leave my kids.

Side note: when will they add the word "googling" as a verb to the dictionary and spell check? Am I even spelling it correctly? Apt? Help me out here...

The damn spring water guy hasn't come yet, and I have to leave in an hour. Grrrr...I hate leaving the empty jugs out on the porch....looks trashy.

Just tried calling my neurologist's office....answering service yet again, saying "hopefully he'll be in by 9:30 AM"....AARGH.

OH
<----new avatar.

It's my brother and I. My aunt sent me this last week. There are almost no photos of me as a child, and I found it weird that I am laughing in this one. I need to remind myself that there was occasionally a happy moment, because I remember all bad.

ETA: it won't stay up long because I hate that little brat. HATE her.

MUE, that probably means he was ill or out of the office with an emergency yesterday.

Wikid, I keep trying to see that photo bigger, but can't seem to make it work. From the tiny photo, you look adorable!

Hey couchies!

MKAC, if it makes you feel better, I used to have similar dreams/fantasies. Eventually as I got older they progressed into me being rescued (and sometimes adopted) by my nice/favourite teacher(s)... embarrassing, but unfortunately true!

What's the weather like across the Atlantic today? For the first time in ages it's not unbearably hot, so I'm a happy camper! Probably just tempted fate there, but what the heck!

Also, does anyone fancy flying over and changing my surgical dressings/cleaning my wounds for me? Yeah... thought not! It makes me cringe so much - ack, ack, ack!

Thanks, MKAC. That would make sense....although I wish I would've been notified if that was the case yesterday - so that I wouldn't have had the answering service tell me 3 different things at 3 different times and had driven all the way there thinking I was going to have an appointment and get a treatment. Gah.

Sorry you're having so much trouble with the neurologist, MUE! Keep at it - it's crappy that you're in this situation, but you'll get there eventually.

Hey Bashful Bear...
Here in Southeastern Mass it's quite hot and quite sunny. Not a cloud in the sky, and one of those days that I can smell the salt water. Good beach day, however I have no time for that!

Not to sound overly patronising, but look at you!!! Ickle Wiki is so stinking cute!

(((BB)))
Sweden is super dry. No rain in sight, either.

wikid - thanks for sharing the photo. I like it!
I was given a bunch of photos of myself as a small child by my mom recently. In several of them I am being ridiculous - having fallen over on the ice, or not quite managing to clamber onto a pier from a rowing boat - and the rest of my family is laughing at me while I look ashamed and/or miserable. Kodak moments, yay.

((( wiki ))) - You were an adorable child! I understand hating her, though. I hate little me too.

((( BB ))) - Gimme some plane tickets and I'd be happy to help you out! After having to tend to my mom's wounds, I think I could handle it!

((( Mastodon ))) - ACK! Some kodak moments suck. I remember one pic that was taken of me when I fell in the playground and my teeth went through my bottom lip. I ended up with a face full of stitches. I kept thinking to myself, sure, take a pic of THAT but you'd never take pics of the other bruises and injuries that weren't from natural causes.

((( Healed ))) - Glad you reached out to T. Hope he has some helpful feedback for you!

Thanks Wiki... it will be kept locked down way too TMI...

On another note... I was comparing my life now to life when I was on a "therapy" high.... since then I have

lost one friend who has moved away and doesn't return contact...

I have another friend that I no longer contact because we have nothing in common now and its too much work...

I no longer talk to my sister (just dont really have anything to say... her T once told her to talk to me about the past and that was the last time she has really talked to me) now we just text...how you doing...fine crap...

I haven't contacted an older lady that I always looked up to who contacts me and asks to get together.... I would be a disappointment to her at this point...

I have one friend left for now.

its a shame the "therapy" high doesn't last forever...

I finally got through to my neurologist office. Apparently, they called to cancel my appt back in May. When checking the number they had on file, it was wrong, so I never got the message.

I told them about how the answering service apparently had no idea he was going to be out - and that I ended up in his parking lot anyway - etc. etc. etc.

Next available appt.....SEPTEMBER 10th.....OMG, I can't stand to be in this pain for that long. I asked if he would prescribe some steroids to help me in the interim (as suggested by my friend who has suffered with similar issues), so I am waiting to hear back.

For now, I'm just bawling my eyes out.....Nobody's fault, once again, but I feel totally screwed...once again.

Ready... I really care about you...tons. You are sinking into major depression (in case you haven't noticed). I am watching you crash, and I can't just sit here and offer you a "there, there". Please talk to your doc about medication, or use your insurance to find a t you can afford. Please. I worry for you. That DOESN'T mean that I don't want you to keep posting here, I just know that we are limited in the help we can give. So keep posting, but seek out RL help as well. Your boys deserve it. Your H doesn't, but those boys deserve a healthy Ready.

Mastodon...when my kids were born, I wanted so much to compare them to a picture of myself, but there are no infant photos of me. There is a photo of me in kindergarten (age 5, school pic) where I have this mortified smile. This is actually the earliest pic I now have.
Later snapshots have me in them in my preteens/teens, but I am always looking down or away from the camera. Even in this one, I am looking away, laughing, but looking away.

What a cruel joke to take photos of you at life's crappy moments!

I am feeling really wounded today. Glad therapy is helping. After leaving my session last night I walked around the grocery store feeling like I'd been totally ripped open and completely vulnerable to everyone in the store. Stupid feelings. UGH.

It's my own fault. T tried to help calm me down at the end of my session, but I insisted upon leaving because my time was up and I didn't want to be annoying.

I am so over all of this crap.

I didn't fantasize about being rescued or running away. I pretty much wanted everyone else on the planet to drop dead though. I guess that might qualify as living alone. I was apparently more evil than most kids.

Thanks Wiki... but I'm fine... one thing I did pick up from T2 is that feelings pass...

I get up and go to work, eat, even been cleaning the house...everything is fine...

there is a difference between a person having depression and a person's life circumstances being depressing... when I decide to change my life's circumstances .... the feelings would change.

I fantasized about living alone in a tree or cave with a cat and dog as a young child (we had no long lasting pets until much later on). I also thought my real parents would come get me but that it would not be any better. It worried me a lot that one day someone else would come to claim me and I would have to figure new ones out and figure out how to protect my brother too. Would he get left behind and then I could not protect him but if he came along and I did not know what the new ones would do to him, I could not protect him that way either. It was a troubling thought.