Couch 56...Getting Back to our roots

Just touched base with a friend, and I am going to her house in about a half hour.

T would be pleased that I am taking action instead of allowing the craziness to consume me. Ideally, I'd be facing those emotions and working through them - but I can't seem to do it on my own. Blech.

But GO ME for taking action....

MUE, go you, for sure!

I still have this freaking headache - almost two weeks now. I'm blaming the weather. I hope this heat breaks tonight like they're predicting. I can't take much more.

I'm dying at the avatar pics! Too funny. I need a new one. I also need to figure out what title to give myself. I hit 2000 posts a while ago and still can't decide.

maybe the mother is stinking mother terissa.maybe i'm the one who is crazy. maybe i needed to be taught all those stupid lessions .maybe i'm so stinking selfish and self involved .i cant see how the mother was having to deal with me in the only way she could .is that what my T is trying to get me to see. darn i know i am a total S H I T that is why i am in T i want her to teach me not to be so .but it hurts to know this.i dont know why i am hurt by her so much these days shr has donre nothing.

(((granite)))
You are not selfish. The rest of us know this. You are always there for others. You post supportive messages even when you are hurting so badly yourself. You keep track of what's going on with the rest of us, which is, in fact, the total opposite of being selfish. You care. Don't listen to the mother's voice when it tells you that you are bad, because that voice is lying. Your posts and the way you are here show us who you are. And we love you.

i am just so so sngry these days .i really am. that is what is making me feel so self absorbed. i am angry at my T and myself and the mother and i know there is no reason to be .but i am .i'm over the top angry and hate it.

You're not over the top. SHE was over the top. That's what I was thinking this week when people here were telling me that I was over the top. When THEY are over the top, you're like, they can't possibly mean this - nobody would actually be this bizarre and mean. It becomes absurd. And - thats what Psychology Today once said the great comedians all had in common - absurd childhoods and high intelligence. You can't make sense of absurdity kinda by definition. You just have to set it aside. Or replace it with something else, which is what a sweet therapist will try to do. Grow a new part of your garden. Put stones over the polluted part.

I can relate to that.

i want to e-mail my T. i am so angry .i know it is just to get her angry at me for doing it.i dont know why.maybe i just want to lash out at her .maybe i want her to be able to stop me from being angry

Granite, I'm wondering if you're jumping too far ahead of yourself. It doesn't really help you at all to judge and criticize yourself. Ultimately, there comes a point where one might be able to get to a place of compassion and understanding towards those who harmed us - but not before we are able to allow ourselves to feel hurt and angry and whatever feelings are stored up for us. It's not being selfish, it's allowing ourselves to express and work through what we weren't able to do before. Now that we are adults, we need to work on giving ourselves permission to do that. Easier said than done, I know.

I went to my friend's house and was feeling all sorts of anxiety....This woman likes to talk and talk and talk....so she spent the first hour just chatting away.

Then, just as my T would encourage me to do, I shared about some of the anxiety I was experiencing and what I've been feeling the last couple of days.

Then, all of a sudden, my daughter calls me asking me to come get her because her cousin decided to go to a friend's house. I told my daughter I would leave my friend's house in a little bit to get her.

When I got off the phone, my friend was back to talking for the duration of the visit. Oh well, at least I got out of the house, right?

Just picked up my daughter so I'm no longer kid-free until tomorrow night. Feels good to have her home.

Go judge!

We do the same with ourselves. Stuff gets put on death row, and if we don't miss it, out it goes.

You're a professional writer, right?

Has your T criticised your wait room technique?

Evening couch.

Went to the zoo after work today to see what the Summer Saturday nights were all about. Not much for me. 1/2 the animal exhibits were closed (walkways to them blocked off or locked). I didn't expect all the exhibits to be open, so I don't know why it rubbed me the wrong way.

They had a local band playing older rock (60's) songs, which is better than modern day rock because that time period is more classic rock. And lots of venders selling everything from soft pretzels to sno-cones to beer. It was more like a party atmosphere than a zoo trip. I felt like I was in dowtown Disney or Universal City Walk only with animals around.

Needless to say I left after about 30 minutes. It just wasn't exciting to me. But, hey...I tried to get out and do something...so at least I wasn't sitting locked in my apartment being non-social...not that I talked to anyone at the zoo other than the gate attendant and the entrance.

I go back to the zoo tomorrow during the day. Hopefully my dad and step-mom won't make any rude comments about my appearance, my jobs, my life, the fact that I see a T, or my choice to be on medication for my psychiatric issues. Hopefully it can just be a day of enjoying the zoo together. It's hit or miss with them...sometimes they are full of comments, sometimes they have none.

Well, I'll pop in and out tonight before I go to bed. I haven't had supper yet, so I need to make something fast like Ramen.

I hope everyone has a good night.

Good insight!

CE, someone on another thread mentioned their T having a discussion with them about a violation of waiting room etiquette and I had no idea what a person would do that would violate waiting room etiquette.

This afternoon, I went to get these ducks that a commercial breeder said she was retiring, and that she was willing to give to me because she wanted to keep together. Turns out, she's a person we're going to see on Animal Hoarders at some point. We talked for quite a while about how overwhelmed and anxious she is. She wanted me to take more, but I did not want for us to get overwhelmed, so I said we would wait and see. The ducks are pretty bedraggled and I'm hoping their plumage improves with access to water and better food.

Aw, poor ducks. You're a good soul to rescue them.

It is pretty amazing to me to see the difference between my ducks and these two. My ducks are super sleek and their feathers look perfect and their eyes are bright, but look soft somehow. These ducks have feathers that are missing, or beat up and weird look. They just look dirty and don't shine at all and their eyes are dull and look hard. Not what I expected, but maybe I should have when she talked about "commercial" breeding operation. H and I have agreed to gather all the eggs and not let these guys reproduce because they would be mixed breeds anyway and we don't want any more ducks than this.

I love this song. We ate at my Grandparents every
Sunday for the first 20 or so years of my life, and I definitely equate the smell of frying chicken to Sundays. When I was first on my own, Sundays were the loneliest times. You can call it country, but it is blues to the core. My Grandmother made the best fried chicken I have ever eaten.

I'm worried about my cat....

He's acting a bit lethargic and feels somewhat warmer than usual. I know the a/c was out for several days and was just fixed yesterday morning. He also vomited during that time which he hadn't done for a while. I'm wondering if he's just trying to recover from the heat - or if he was reacting to the thunderstorm that happened tonight - or if he's ill. Sitting with us more quietly than usual...sitting in weird positions...finding weird places to lay. I'm worried.

If he doesn't show improvement by tomorrow, I'm taking him to the vet first thing on Monday. I have pet insurance on him, so hopefully it won't be too expensive. I just want him to be ok.

On another note, I was sitting on my deck watching lightening from afar (once it passed our area - wow, what a light show that was!)....and there was this huge spider web with a huge spider on it. A moth flew into it, and that spider attacked it like it was the catch of the day. It was eerie and yucky but fascinating to watch.

I must be losing it, because I normally would not want to see something like that.

My anxiety level has decreased considerably since my daughter has been home although my breathing is still a bit unstable. I can't depend on her being the thing that keeps me grounded. I need to figure out how to do that on my own. But in the meantime, I'm glad she's here. She goes back to my sister's house tomorrow night and stays until Thursday. Gulp.

MUE.... quite a spectacular display of lightening wasn't it... I love watching storms...

I'm packing up my younger son (10) for sleep away camp... I pack each outfit in its own jumbo ziplock bag... it takes longer but at least I know that his clothes matched

I asked him if he still wanted me to pack in ziplock bags and his says Yeah.... how else do you pack for camp...

It sure was, RTS! My daughter is usually scared of storms, but she has started to become fascinated by them as well - but still a bit scared too. We usually watch them together. I always wanted to go on a storm chasing adventure, but it's quite costly...and because of my migraines, I can't imagine spending the money (if I had it to spend) and then being in migraine hell during the whole trip because of the freaky changes in barometric pressure.

I'd still love the idea of doing it though. It's like one of those things that would be on my bucket list, if it was realistic enough for me.