I know we had (or maybe stll have) some sort of check-in thread, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was called and I don't feel like hunting for it. So . . . I hope it is okay if I get one started fresh.

For me, I see this as a thread more focused on where we are here and today in our lives, specifically in regard to mood, life events, therapy in general terms as opposed to specific topics that we need a separate thread for. I don't see this as particularly social as the couch threads seem to be serving that purpose, but more as thread for kind of documenting "where" and "how" we are each day--sort of journal-like I suppose, but one we share on the forum as a way of just communicating our current status with each other without really expecting much feedback.

So, I'll begin I suppose.

Today was a "Friday" for us as we have the day off tomorrow as a scheduled bad weather replacement day. I am so looking forward to a 3-day weekend.

My oldest son turned 24 today. Oh, this is freaky. I just looked at the time and this is exactly the time he was born. What are the odds of that!? Anyway, we all went out for supper and dessert tonight and had a really nice time. He moved into his own apartment last weekend, so this has been a big week for him--for all of us actually.

It was a good day for me. My mood has been up and optimistic. I had a great day with my students. They are so funny sometimes. I was bribed with food and beverage offers from 2 different students in my last class today. One was wanting to go get a cup of coffee before class started and said he would bring me a smoothie if I let him go to the coffee bar. (Yes, our school actually has a coffee bar in our library.) I told him I couldn't support his caffeine addiction, but I appreciated the offer. The other is in love with the cafeteria's chocolate chip cookies, and comes to class with at least 6 every day. He was amused with my ability to spot a chocolate chip cookie from across the room the other day, and has started bringing me one everyday. Our running joke is that he gets an A in my class for feeding my chocolate addiction. We have fun in that class; they all have such great senses of humor.

My middle school son's church confirmation is coming up next month. Last night parents met with our pastor to talk about the service. Come to find out, our youth minister (the one who lost his son at Christmas to complications of the flu) is going on sabbatical for a few months at the recommendation of his therapist. Therefore, he will not be officiating at the confirmation service. Our pastor wanted to get our feedback about whether to go on with the service as planned or whether to postpone the service until he returns from his sabbatical. He has been their teacher and mentor through these last 3 years of confirmation preparation, so it was certainly something we needed to consider from all angles. We've decided to go on as planned, but we'll need to help more with preparation, stole making, faith statement discussions, etc. since our senior pastor is stretched thin while our other minister is away. It will all work out fine.

It struck me how fortunate we are to be in a church that understands and respects the mental health needs of its members and so openly, and without stigma, discusses these issues as the family of faith we are. It is a church that strongly values relationship with God and with each other. Such wondeful modeling for our children.

[feralkittymom]

Wait a minute--is this farmerwife Chris? If so, a warm welcome back to you!

Nothing for me to report except I'm tired and glad it's the week-end!

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Wait a minute--is this farmerwife Chris? If so, a warm welcome back to you!

Nothing for me to report except I'm tired and glad it's the week-end!

Hee, hee. FarmerGIRL, yes this is me. I'm definitely not a farmer's wife. I had a thread reintroducing myself that I wrote specifically for this forum as I consider this forum my PC "home", but moderators in their infinite wisdom decided it was "off topic" I suppose and moved it to a different forum where I almost never post and know very few people (whatever, I guess), and there the thread will get lost and serve absolutely no purpose. Oh well.

Thanks for the welcome back feralkitty. It is greatly appreciated.

Time to get off my butt, do some laundry, wipe down a layer of dust around the house, and maybe reorganize my pantry. Those are my goals for the day anyway. We'll see how motivated I actually get. Sitting here doing nothing also sounds really inviting, but then to live with the guilt . . . ahhhh . . . the guilt of laziness!!!

[feralkittymom]

AAARRRGGGHHH! GIRL! of course, as soon as I couldn't edit it, I remembered!

Under any name, very good to have you back!

Thanks for re-starting this, Chris. I used to read it but never really posted in it. I think the thread about needing to tell your T something but not knowing how has also gotten kind of lost.

My check in today is that my anxiety about my life is high, but I seem to keep going back to reading this one blog about dissociation instead of working. Can't tell if therapy is interfering with my life or if my life is interfering with therapy.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Thanks for re-starting this, Chris. I used to read it but never really posted in it. I think the thread about needing to tell your T something but not knowing how has also gotten kind of lost.

My check in today is that my anxiety about my life is high, but I seem to keep going back to reading this one blog about dissociation instead of working. Can't tell if therapy is interfering with my life or if my life is interfering with therapy.

God, I SO get that. That's when I grant myself permission to take a break/a step back so I can figure out what's doing what to what. Sometimes that's what it takes to get some perspective.

I've been so lonely lately. I wonder if I will ever feel connected to another person.
I felt connected to xT (male)for periods of time and while it felt good in some ways it felt painful in others. My current t(female) is nice but I don't feel much connection and I've tried... Been seeing her for 6 months now...

Things were going good with my H for a while there but he is back to old ways and is not really sharing and caring ... My T says I need to get those needs met through other relationships for a while since my H isn't reliable yet. But I don't have deep close friendships.

[1stepatatime]

Hello and happy Saturday!
So this seems like neat idea...here is my thread.....
I am leaving today for (hopefully) sunny and even warmer Ft. Lauderdale....just about a five hour drive. Looking forward to some rest, relaxation, the beach, quality time with my daughter who will be leaving soon for the Navy. We didn't get off to a great start yesterday.....it was Friday, I called her on my way home from work, asked her if she wanted to run out with me to pick up some last minute things, got to the house...she came out to the car and off we went. Fast forward about an hour and a half later...we get home...I walk into the kitchen and to my surprise I find the tea kettle bubbling on the stove!! She forgot to turn the burner off before she came outside prior to us running errands. Thankfully my house did not burn down....but I did get upset. I told her it was a stupid thing to do....probably didn't need to say that to her....but heck, it was!! Anyways.....after much brooding on her part I think she is feeling better. I told her I was not calling her stupid but what she did was stupid.....I dunno, is that the same thing? I think this incident will hopefully open up some dialogue and bring us closer. Have a safe and wonderful weekend, everyone:-)

I am feeling very disconnected from reality. I just don't feel real. Therapy seems like years ago even though it was just days ago. I can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing or working on. I just feel like a bother to him and everyone. I really am not sure what I'm doing or what my goals are or if I even should have goals because there is no way I can meet them.

[Anne2.0]

Thanks for starting the daily check-in thread. I'm not sure I've participated in it before, but I'm going to give it a try.

I have two kinds of therapy in my life right now that are weekly-- physical therapy and regular T. I think both are in a good place, my chronic pain issues are down about 80% and there are days when I don't have much or any pain at all. I think of my pain issues as less chronic than as susceptible to flareups from time to time. I also had a big breakthrough this week, as I was able to incorporate a "home" program of a difficult type for me that my physical therapist recommended and on which I worked at desensitization in my regular therapy.

Regular T is also in a good place. I'm in another phase when I think that I'm "done" discussing specific incidents or details and I'm focusing on being a better observer of my relationships with others and understanding my emotional reactions. I have noted that I am standing back from many of my close relationships right now, not in a rejecting or angry or otherwise negative way, but just as if I need to have more of a zone of solitude around me.

Today I feel good, physically and mentally, still somewhat nurtured by the glow of a good session yesterday and the positive reactions of my writer's group to something I read yesterday. They are consistently enthusiastic about my writing, and I appreciate them so much. It is a strange sense of intimacy with them-- they know quite a bit about me from my writing (or they think they do, some of what I've written has been fiction but I notice they think it's autobiographical), but I've never been in a social situation with them that involves personal disclosure or anything that reflects friendship or social connection in any way.

My H and son have left the house this morning, and I am enjoying my solitude (how I love the house to myself, it is as if I relish it). Listening to jazz before I take off for my day, which includes a writer's event, a visit to an art gallery (which I decided to still do even though my friend canceled on me), and then dinner at another friend's house. She's a wonderful cook, and someone I can say to, "hey, when are you going to have me over for fried chicken?" And she'll reply, how about this Saturday night? I'm going to make this completely ridiculous calorie-laden "apple dumpling" dessert that is full of terrible processed ingredients but tastes amazing. I very rarely eat or cook with processed ingredients but this thing is so gestalt (whole is greater than the sum of the parts) that it makes people weep. And of course I"ll post the recipe link for you, but I will respectfully suggest that you not ever try it.

Country Apple Dumplings Recipe - Allrecipes.com

I'm glad to see this thread going to good use.

I think I've fallen into hypomania over the last week. My energy level has been WAY high which is odd for me; I haven't felt this level of hypomania in several years. This is the side of bipolar that I rarely see (which is why I sometimes have questioned my diagnosis), but this is feeling very familiar. It used to happen more often, but I've mostly been medicated for bipolar over the last 8 years. I'm not on meds at this moment and suspect if I called my pdoc right now, he'd tell me its time to restart the lithium. I'll see how the next few days go. It's a heck of a lot more pleasant that the depressive end of bipolar, but historically my hypomania will end in an eventual crash.

Yesterday I cleaned out the pantry top to bottom (the pantry is really a small room--it's HUGE actually as far as pantries go-- the former owners were Morman and stored food for emergencies). I literally took everything out of it, wiped down all the shelves, swept and mopped the floor, went through everything and weeded out old items and other crud that had collected in there, and put it all back again. Then, I loaded up the van with all the old hazardous wastes (paints, chemicals, etc.) that the old owners hadn't taken with them and hauled it all to the city's collection center. I called the city about coming to pick up some large items from the garage that we don't have a vehicle to take to the landfill. I did the usually laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning. Extra cleaning like taking everything out of the computer stand, dusting it all out, going through old software to get rid of the old stuff we never use, etc., and putting it all back together again. Yeah, I'm hypomanic. The above is not an all-inclusive list. This goes beyond normal spring cleaning. And this is only what I've actually done; it doesn't include all the projects spinning through my head.

I'll see if I can slow myself down. If not, might be time to make that phone call to the pdoc. I actually haven't seen him in a few months since my mood had stabilized, so it's probably time.

[lifelesstraveled]

I never know what I am feeling from day to day. Except for maybe loneliness or irritated (when someone triggers it), but that is nothing new.

I quit T last week. I emailed T a few days after about my thoughts about how she reacted to my wanting to leave--she wasn't happy and voiced her concerns. I was SHOCKED by her response and part of me shut down and couldn't really bring myself to say anything. She even laughed at my reasons for needing to separate myself from therapy--ive been in T for 5 years straight and just wanted a break and I got tired of feeling like I was running in circles and beating my head against the wall with her and felt like she just doesn't understand me (or maybe I'm skilled at articulating things) Anyways, T called (I didn't recognize the number so I answered it) yesterday asking if we could meet next Friday because she wants to discuss her concerns with me. I'm a little annoyed that she feels like she needs to address concerns considering she expressed her concerns at our last session. I agreed and hung up the phone and then wondered why on EARTH we can't just talk on the phone. I don't feel like making a 2 hour trip for a 30 minute conversation!! I called her back and asked her and she said she understands why I don't want to make the trip and will be happy to discuss it on the phone, but would prefer that we meet in person so she can see body reactions and such. Of course since i just can't ever bring myself to say no, I said FINE, and quickly hung up the phone. I am really annoyed with myself for emailing her now and at her for calling me, when I told her i didn't want or need a response....

I called a new potential T for a 2nd appointment just as a follow up from our last one to ask her some questions I didn't get to ask. She is completely booked! I told her never mind about the appointment and I will call back when I am ready to schedule regular ones. She sent me an email saying that she hopes she didn't put me off, that she would really be happy to work with me, but is having scheduling issues right now. I didn't really care. I've learned not to expect much from people anyways. I figure I will give her a call maybe in the fall or closer to the end of the year. Hopefully she can fit me in.

I didn't mean to write a rant :-)

[nessaea]

This is a cool idea. Thanks for starting it!

I'm doing ok at the moment, relatively speaking. I've been having a really rough couple of weeks, so a day that isn't bad is kind of nice. I had a really weird session with my therapist last week, so I wrote her an email last night about some of the things I have been thinking, and I got a very kind response back. I don't see her again for another week and a half, which makes me a little nervous, but I'm trying not to think about it.

The reason I am nervous is because the next week is going to be very difficult, and I'm worried about how I will be able to handle it. It's exam time, plus I have to finish my thesis, plus I have a workshop I am running next weekend, plus my whole family is in town. I am nervous about all of that, and how I'm going to be able to handle it. I want to email her to ask her advice, but I've been trying to only email about theoretical stuff, and not actually ask for any practical help between sessions just in case she is busy, so I'm not sure what to do. I'll figure it out.

For now though, I'm going to enjoy the calm before the storm (aka, the denial before the reality and anxiety kick in!)

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

I didn't mean to write a rant :-)

Rant away! If you can't rant here, where can you rant?

(Hmm. Seems like I've said that to my T about my rants in his office.)

So . . . sleep is eluding me tonight.

one sheep . . . two sheep . . . three sheep . . . four sheep . . .

Ugh. I have to sing in Swahili tomorrow morning at church. Lord only knows what will be coming out of my mouth if my brain doesn't shut down for a few hours between now and then.

[ECHOES]

1914sierra, I hope you slept well at last

I am slow these days... and I realized on another thread that I recognized your signature.
Welcome back!!

I am up early today, ready for my Sunday newspaper and cuppa joe, and I'm determined to make this day a bit more productive than yesterday. There is laundry that needs to be done, budgeting to work on, and the week ahead to plan for.

I hope everyone has a good day!

[archipelago]

It was funny. For the first time I was late because I mixed up the time. I walked in and the doors were open. I thought I was early but I was 20 minutes late. He started by giving a hug and said he was worried about me. I was like "why?" Then I felt bad that I had missed so much of session time and got him wondering where I was.

I'm shifting focus right now toward really depth work. So after some light talk about what's going on, I just jumped into it. He really lives for this kind of work. The pacing though is quite different than usual therapy. It's more like analysis. Very slow and deep. Hard to see where it is going as well. But it is the right time for me to make this shift so I'm doing it. I have a feeling it will stir up things, but I'm not sure how. I hope if I go slowly not too much will surface too quickly.

[tinyrabbit]

Hey everyone. Sending hugs to those who need. I'm feeling very very contained right now. Had a very uncomfortable but good session last week as I went in, told my T I was angry with him and proceeded to a) start dissociating and b) hide under a blanket. We worked through a lot of tricky stuff and I left feeling much better. Afterwards I realised that, for the first time in ages, I had only thought about one thing at a time during the session.

Remembering some crap childhood stuff today though.

[granite1]

hi chris today i am doing ok. i am getting things ready to go to florida. my hubby got me a smart phone so i can get on line when there because the mother does not have wireless. he knows that you on pc are life savers for me and i will probibly be needing you all. and to text my T. no she still does not allow it

What a weird day! I stayed up too late last night...was feeling low then I started reverting to past bad behavor... didn't get to bed till 3:30am... I woke up at 8:30, saw my family off to sunday school and then went to shower to go to church. I started thinking about my sister wanting us to talk about the past... I laid on the bed trying to remember our house "walk through it in my mind"... I feel asleep it was probably 9:30am and I didn't wake up until 3:30pm... but feel so exhausted. I had lots of dreams but now I don't remember any of them...just they made no "sense" but weren't particularly scary... So now its 3:45pm I've got nothing done today and I'm exhausted like its 10pm.

Maybe a shower will wake me up.

[Anne2.0]

It has been a good day and I think it will continue on this way.

I had a good time last night over at my friend's house, despite the presence of her H, who I really don't like but found tolerable last night. Just before that, I'd gone to a writer's event (a group reading) and was terribly inspired by all the great writing. A couple of authors were exceedingly hilarious.

Today I was out of the house, showered and fed, by 8am, for a 2 hour drive to a prison where one of my former clients is housed. She's a young woman who has some family support, but I am sort of mentoring her through letters and the occasional visit. She is doing so well, making huge changes in the way she understands herself and her life. She's stopped relating to people as a victim and has taken her power back and found some love and compassion for herself. So nice to see all these positive changes.

Otherwise today, I plan to do some deep cleaning in my kitchen and then finish it off with a long walk and some writing and reading.

[tooski]

Doing OK today. I've been ridiculously busy at work, so just the fact that it's the weekend is an absolute joy! Got some cleaning done which always makes me feel like less of a slob. Have T on Wed, after a 2-1/2 wk break (I usually see him once a week.) Feeling really pissed about it the fact he went to Florida, probably Disney world, and is all relaxed and tanned, while I've been working my tail off. No idea how I'll be on Wed. To be pissed or not to be pissed, that is the question .....

Broke down an called T today. I rarely call him outside of office hours, but felt I needed to check in with about this apparent hypomania I'm in.

He got right back with me and told me to call my pdoc tomorrow morning first thing, that this is not one of those wait and see situations. He says I need to get meds on board quickly as sooner or later, probably sooner, the hypomania will end and I'll be headed for a hard crash. Now to just do as he says. Won't be first thing in the morning as my pdoc is at the hospital until about lunch time, but I'll consider calling during my conference period if I remember to (have a meeting that may eat that time.)

Maybe about 3 hours sleep last night. Went to church this morning. Came home and worked in the yard. Did a bunch of other things around the house. Time to make supper.

Today, was hard I am a mixed bag of emotions and debating whether to go visit the doctor tomorrow and try anti depressants again!
I am tired of feeling so much all of the time, I wish I would go numb again and feel nothing and things at work are so stressful and really triggering me now. It's as if people know when I have no self esteem or self confidence and go in for the attack.



Chris good luck at the pdoc today