How does a client's suicide affect their T?

What do you think of writing some of your current thoughts down, or having printouts of some posts from here, so that, if you want, T can understand how your feelings can get when you are at home?

My T gave me a journal at the end of the school year because she was hoping that I would have an outlet to express myself throughout the summer. The stuff I wrote about in there is so much worse than anything I've written about here. I will take it back to here and I also will bring her a few posts. I don't know which posts to take though. Do you think I should take her the posts I've written about this whole suicide by 25 thing? And I guess the last one I made on my body image. It might be more concise than what is written in my journal. And far less overwhelming. My journal on this topic is graphic as hell and not as straightforward.

I think that those posts you mentioned would be good.

I trust that your T knows about how your parents have treated you. Does she know enough about the loss of your replacement mother figure? You mentioned (#366, also see #361) that:

I think this would be good for T to know. Perhaps she could help with figuring out how to mourn.

Okay. I can show her those posts. If there are any other posts you can think of that struck you, I can add it to the list of things to consider showing her. I still have no idea what to prioritize on that list.

Yeah, she does know about that. I'm doing a lot better with that. I'm still avoiding being around people that knew her because I feel guilty for not saying anything right after she died or going to her funeral. I won't go to my brother's school or to his piano concerts/lessons because they knew her.

I still mourn her loss intermittently. The problem is mostly morning the loss of a mother figure. I haven't managed to refill that the same way since. I guess in a way I view my T like a mother but not completely because she is really young. She's definitely older than me but I would be surprised if she were 30 years old. That changes it for me. I don't know why. Probably because I still put "adults" on this pedestal in my mind as people who are more put together and knowledgable even though the older I get, the more it seems like there are no "adults", just people who are trying to make their way.

I’m being ridiculous. Sure, I can say that I’m not actively suicidal because I’m not planning on doing anything in the short term future, but I can’t say that I’m not having sui thoughts. This is like when I was writing suicide notes in May and called them a “creative writing” exercise. That was a load of crap, I was having sui thoughts really bad. I’m doing the same thing now. I can’t say that I’m not having sui thoughts when the level of detail about this hypothetical suicide in my journal clearly states otherwise. I’m just lying to myself and everyone else about what is going on.

This is why I can’t stop cutting. I’m using it to stay alive. I tried to stop I think 5-6 days ago… to be honest I stopped keeping track of days because I hardly care. I wanted to be able to tell my T that I have some semblance of self-control, but after I 5 days max, I couldn’t do it. I got consumed with these thoughts fairly quickly and now that I relapsed, they’ve diminished. I’m not sure if I want to die or not, but I know that I always want to hurt myself for whatever reason. I don’t know why I am so stupid to want to do that all the time.

you are banned from calling yourself names
just sayin'

Someone should tell my internal dialogue that. It is constant and like 40x more profane up there. I try to get myself to stop doing that but it never gets better.

how do I stop doing that? Forget about loving myself. how do I learn to like myself?

How do you feel about yourself when you have been at school for weeks versus how you feel about yourself when you have been with your parents for weeks?

Basically exactly the same. My opinions of myself don't change all that much because I don't think it is based on external factors. Maybe it was shaped by external factors as a kid, but now it is internalized. I block out how I feel about myself at school.

I don't know how you learn to like yourself because I still hate parts of myself. I also love parts of myself. In therapy, we talk about the parts that hate and the hated parts and it's all very embarrassing but necessary to avoid going into my depressive spirals.

I never said in my post, "it gets better," and I didn't mean to imply that it will. But it can. And it most likely will.

I remember during one of my life low points hating all the polyanna up-with-people people who said, "it will get better," or, "you'll be ok."

Anyway, I'm sorry that it came across like that.

Whatever triggers these low points for you has got to be extracted from your life. I don't know how because you have to have the energy to do it. How many more days left at home now?

My T says that anger directed externally at the ones who hurt you is good. Anger is the part of you that says, "I don't deserve this. I deserve better. I'm worth more."

I don't hate you for your response. I appreciated it. I appreciate everyone who follows my story and I especially appreciate everyone who takes the time to leave any response, let alone such a lengthy/thought out one as you did.

I'm not even completely sure what all of my triggers are yet. Obviously being here is one of them and talking to my mother is another. It's about to cross midnight here so in a few minutes it will be 10 days left. omfg 10 days left... ASDGSGKLJAGASF FINALLY ALMOST IN THE SINGLE DIDGETS!!!!! That's reason enough in its own to not stay up all night hurting myself like how I originally wanted to. I GET TO LEAVE.

My T thinks I have a lot of anger and I take it out on myself because expressing it was dangerous growing up.

LOL! Yay for only 10 days!

I just started an antibiotic regimen for a bacteria infection that is 10 days and we'll both be done at the same time.

As far as anger at yourself - YESSSSSS. I do this too, like total f*cking rage at myself and I can be SO mean to myself.

I remember being a teenager and the man I lived with would get red in the face and rage at me. I mean just rage and yell like a big fat blowhard and then he'd say, "Don't get mad! Don't you dare get mad!"

Jerkwad. I quietly turned around, left the room, and then dipped his toothbrush in the toilet.

Scoop your mom's toothbrush under the rim of the toilet when she's not looking.

I mean get it really good and up in there.

....I know, I'm so mature.

Annnnnd this is why I'm not a therapist. But still. You should do it anyway. Or at least picture it.

I love antibiotics. They are so amazing when you have an ear infection.

Careful, you're talking to someone who literally rubbed my poop into someone's pillow because they messed with my best friend at the time. I might actually take your advice... I'm kidding. I'm way too scared of her to do that.

I'm craaaaaacking up so hard right now. How did you even fetch this poop!? Omg! And did you touch it with a tissue or bare hand?

Ok I have to go to bed - clearly punch drunk tired. Will check back in the am but from my work computer, where I can't log in so I'm stuck lurking.

Bare handed. It was my own poop. She made my friend ashamed of being gay so she can literally sleep in my ****. College is great.

Goodnight!

Maybe starting with not hating yourself--just a neutral view of yourself is a big start.
If a thought pops up that is horrible to yourself, you could arm yourself with a counter thought like...
"that's my mother talking, not me" or "that's not true, just an automatic thought"

it takes practice.

The problem is that I can't always prove them wrong.

I'm sorry I'm still talking. I'm probably driving everyone nuts. I'm sorry I've been posting so much.

Not sure if you have to prove the thoughts wrong, but just seriously question them, not take these thoughts as truth with a capital T.

BTW if you knew me you couldn't call me a "polyanna" type, my sense of humor is dark and I don't automatically think sunny thoughts. Maybe that will help put some of my posts in perspective. maybe.

I try to question everything as a general rule. The problem is that I don't really know how to question my body image.

I never considered anyone on here a "polyanna" type. All of you guys have clearly gone through your own trials and have been in the same position I am in right now and are trying to help me. Your posts have long since been "put in perspective" when you said you too didn't think you would live past 25. You put your own posts in perspective all the time without trying. My response to them is an issue of my current mental state, not an issue of anyone being "too positive". I'm sorry if I'm coming off as uncooperative and ungrateful.

I really enjoy people with a dark sense of humor btw.

But not at home.

The feelings are the same, but at home you experience them more directly and immediately than you do at school. At school, I am guessing, generally they do not overwhelm you.

I can't exactly block it out as well when my mom constantly sticks it back in my face and compares me to my sister.

They do sometimes. They do overwhelm me more frequently here though.

Okay. They are always there, but at home your mother really brings them out and this is why they are more overwhelming than they are at school.