How does a client's suicide affect their T?

Yeah I mean these issues of self hatred are obviously her creation to begin with. My dad contributed by ignoring me, but I don't know how much that would have done on its own if my mom didn't tell me that he ignores me because I'm so annoying and obnoxious and that he doesn't care about me. I'd probably draw those conclusions on my own like how I decided when I was 14 that the reason my dad didn't love me is because I was so fat I was embarrassing to introduce to his friends, but having my mom say that directly shockingly didn't help fix the problem.

I agree completely. How much (if at all) does or could knowing that help you deal with them?

Something in between a little bit and not at all. It helps me think that maybe it isn't true, but it doesn't necessarily help me believe it is wrong.

Could I ask you to clarify that a bit: the distinction you are drawing between it isn't true and it is wrong?

Knowing that something may or may not be factually true doesn't always change how I feel about it. Like if my mom says I'm a mistake, I can intellectually recognize that maybe that isn't true, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like an abortion that lived.

Thanks for that response. I wish I could talk further, but I have to get to sleep. Just so you know. Good night and I wish you sleep as well.

Thanks for talking to me. It always helps. I will get sleep. Like I said earlier, I relapsed today. That always helps me fall asleep and I don't really know why but whatever.

how many more days til you are free?

10. I couldn't wait a day longer.

home stretch... you got this

I'm just trying to keep chugging along

I'm sorry I'm still posting.

I am so ashamed just thinking about telling my T about all of this. She's going to be so disappointed and sad. I can almost already see the look on her face and the fear/sadness in her eyes and I don't know if I can do that to her. Not looking at her won't help because it won't change her reaction to it. And I know this is going to upset her. All the time in my sessions, I'll be talking about things half as heavy as this and I look at her seriously struggling to hold back tears. The fact that most of it will be written down will make it harder because I'm so much more intense on paper than in speech.

I don't know if I want to tell her how much I've been anticipating her reaction to me and how I sometimes get slightly overwhelmed by her responses to me. But I don't want her to change. I really like that she's really easy to read and basically terrible at hiding her emotions even if it does sometimes make me feel a little funny. It makes her human to me and helps me believe that she really does care. I don't think I'd be able to trust her at all if she wasn't so easy to read.

But this makes things interesting because I know she's going to react to my attempt in either a fearful or sad way and I don't want to do that to her and simultaneously want to know how she honestly responds to me and idk. I don't think I can let her see the stuff I wrote in my journal. It's so dark it scares me even in the mental condition I'm currently in.

One possibility is that you could just let her see the selected posts from here, and if asked simply say that the journals are darker.

What would it mean to you if your T were to be disappointed in you?

She tries so hard to gel me. I don't want to let her down. But my concern right now isn't her disappointment. I just don't want her to be sad or scared because of what I did. The stuff in my journal is so disturbing, I don't want to overwhelm her with it.

You are not sure that she is strong enough to absorb what you wrote. How much does that worry you for her sake, and how much for yours?

I don't know about all Ts. I will tell you that my therapist told me she would be devastated! I don't know what she meant by it & I didn't ask because I personally don't want to add one more name to the list of people that I'd let down if/when I have another episode. I'm not sure why she even said it.
So, there is my singular experience. Take from it whatever you will.

I hope things get better for you. Good luck!!!!

Not strong enough isn't the word I'm looking for. It's kinda complicated. I don't want her to change how she'd react to it because I want her to care about me and be honest, but I don't want to upset her. I really don't want to make her sad, upset, or scared. I guess just wish I did nothing over the summer. I wish I didn't SI, I wish I didn't make an attempt, I wish I didn't feel the way I did, and I wish I didn't feel the way I do currently because I am ashamed to tell her about it. I shouldn't have let her down.

Yeah that is kinda what I'm talking about. I feel like I failed her. I'm supposed to be strong.

How much (if at all) do you think that her effectiveness as a therapist will change when she hears your news?

I don't know. It will probably drastically increase it, because up until the end of last year, she had almost nothing to work with. Especially if I also tell her how I feel about her. I mentioned before that she literally has no idea how I feel about her and she's been pushing me to talk about that for over a year now. And I have a LOT of really good posts talking about that but you can see where I have just so much to talk about that I literally have no idea where to start. She'll be trilled if I tell her how I feel about her but I'll feel guilty if I don't tell her what happened over the summer.

I can't think of a reason to not tell her about what happened beyond me just being scared or ashamed of it. Fear and shame are usually not good reasons to conceal information from your therapist either. So I don't feel like not telling her is an opinion. I have full intentions of telling her, especially since I have basically all of my feelings throughout the entire summer documented so all I have to do is hand her a sheet of paper. I'd probably just lock up and be physically unable to talk if I try to tell her out loud. I'd probably lock up and be physically unable to tell this stuff to anyone out loud.

So she will be able to handle the news and in fact she will think of it as a step forward in the sense that it involves you opening up to her more than you have been able to do in the past.

Yes, but even if she handled the news exactly the way you did, it would still scare her and it would still probably make her lose a little bit of trust in me to remain safe and in control considering how impulsive the attempt was.

Then again, she might not be surprised that I acted so impulsively. I do have ADHD after all... but I'm usually not impulsive. I'm combined hyperactive and inattentive. I don't know.

I really wish I could get my life under control because I really need to practice but I've been feeling so bad emotionally that even that is a chore to me. The fact that literally nothing is making me happy is probably contributing to me still feeling the same about ending my life in five year. I don't know if I would feel the same way about that if I were still able to enjoy practicing like normal. I just sound so bad to me all the time and I don't know if it is the room I'm in, if I need to replace some corks, or it is just me being upset about everything. It's just so hard to get myself to do anything besides lie in my bed and wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up again. Nothing excites me, nothing feels good, nothing feels right. I can't even cry anymore.

You do sound really depressed right now. I'm sorry.

I don't know if I'm actually medically depressed right now or if I'm just feeling completely defeated by my current situation. I have no intrinsic desire to continue living anymore. No matter what happens in my life, I always end up alone in this room again. It's just something I can't escape and a big part of me wants to give up trying. But I won't because I know things will change when I'm out of here and I will be out of here in 10 days. I need to hold on for now.