I Really Need Advice

I think it's a great thing to be writing her a letter. That helps me get the words out that I want to say. I would give it to her, and let her read it later. Maybe you can just brief her on the 5 pages you wrote. This may make you want to share it with her in the session. Trust is the key. Do you trust her with the information?

If you do trust her, then by all means open up to her. She can help you, and you will feel better getting it off your back. I hope you choose wisely.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

Tea,
I here your distress over these past events. I think it would be good to get them out of your head, internalising these things is so bad for us...the voices surrounding the secrets get louder and louder until we can't bear them anymore and maybe your t can help normalise them. What you might think is bad, others don't.
I think taking a two hour session will be a great idea and shows fantastic self care, congrats
I also hear some hesitation to broach the subject. If you are not ready to revela your secrets then maybe now is not the time. You have kept them for so long, why rush now? Only you know when you are ready, not t. Maybe writing the letter will help you process how you feel about the events now and help clarify if you are really ready to let them free? if you write the letter you don't even have to give it to t. I have wrote her hundreds of letters and never sent them because just the act of writing them and processing them helps.

I see possible problems with each choice as you do AND I see advantages. Which choice makes you most anxious? Which choice feels the least risky to you?

Why do you want to do this? Is it to please her? or because you agree with her? or because you want to unburden yourself? or? or? or?

I would tell her I had written five pages but I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. And therefore I wouldn't give it to her either.

She might have an opinion or a suggestion, but I would hope that she will be OK with that.

Thanks for the advice guys; these are all some very good questions I had to ask myself. And actually think about.

You know, up until this point, every post i've made pretty much says "My T is awesome. I love her to death! I am so glad that i've learned to trust her!"...but when you asked me this question, I found myself wondering, "...well, can I actually trust her for real?" I feel like this is my negative voice and not hers talking though. Because if I trust her for "everything but this" then thats not really trust is it..?


Thank you for the hugs and kind words Monalisa. I feel like if I write a letter for T, and know i'm likely not going to give it to her, I won't write it with complete honesty. Because it will be for myself, and I already know all the details. But you do have a good point. Why rush now? The answer is, I don't know. I took the time to write the first five pages of the letter because I felt like I was strong enough to do it. I did cry, but nothing like I know I will if I take the time to actually think about and work through it. And you might be right, maybe T doesn't know when the right time is...she's not pushing it, but I can tell she knows it needs to be done. I've run from these things for close to ten years now...its much easier to run from then to confront them.

The one that makes me most anxious is emailing it to her now (or whenever i'm done writing it) because I can't offer her any kind of explanations. But if she reads it in front of me, her reaction will be the sole determination in my response from there, and thats not a fair position to put her in. So i kind of feel like I should at least give her the chance to read it and process it without me staring her in the face. I think part of it is to please T. But its not because I think she's so awesome (which I do by the way), but also because things i've taken the risk and told her, she reacted not only better than I imagined but in a way impossible for me to have imagined. She handles things so poetically that I haven't truly ever been able to hundred percent guarantee her response - but its always positive. And it always makes me feel better. I don't feel she usually solves any problems, but she does make me feel better about them. And I feel like I should tell her or else thats proof to myself that I don't want to get better. I think I would like to wait until I get the test results back (probably 2 wks from now) because its so many conversations happening at once. But I also don't want her to have the results back and use that diagnoses to come up with an excuse for my actions either. I was completely competent when doing them. I feel like the results of the test are going to change things (one because she always says its will tell her which way to go to help me, although I think whatever way shes going now is perfect). So maybe I should tell her before the test? I just don't know...

Yeah, I want to tell her i've started it, but I hate to lead her on. A lot of times I will hint something but then I feel guilty and have to make myself just blurt out whatever it is because why bring it up if i'm not going to talk about it? I do think she'd be okay with any decision I made, I feel like she allows me to make whatever choices I feel are best for me in my own time. But I also fear that 1) my own time will be never or 2) she will get to a stand still in figuring out how to "fix" me because she won't have all the pieces to the puzzle...

Your T sounds wonderful. Patient and open and accepting and caring.

I would talk to her about all your worries about how and when to give it to her.

...she is...she really is. She always says she believes that God had me find her for a reason; even before she said that I already felt the same way. I wish there was a way for me to convey how awesome she is to her without it feeling inappropriate. Though I did write her a note telling her something similar, but its for next session.

I completely agree with this except for the fact that that will let her know its available, and i'd hate to "dangle it in front of her", you know?

This is what I would tell you (as a friend). Continue writing the letter with every intention of giving it to your T "someday". Download it from your computer to a disk, then delete from your hard drive. Store in a safe place. Tell your T that you are working on a letter concerning your history and hope to be ready to give it to her "someday". You don't sound ready just yet (IDK) and something this important, I think, should wait until you are really ready to tell her. I don't want you to have any regrets about giving her the letter. This is a BIG step. If T is as great as you say she is, she will be pleased and congratulate you on writing the letter period. This is MAJOR progress for you. Personally, I think it says a lot about the effect your T has had on you. I think one day you will be ready to either give it to her or read it to her (email is too impersonal for something like this). May I say that I admire you for having written the letter. Whether or not you give it to your T, it will help you.

Yikes! I said something similar to my T once. It's a rare occasion that I've felt that way about anybody.

Your T is special.

She is. I know i make her sound just so amazing (and she always says to me that she is not perfect, but she will try her best to do the right thing and never intentionally do anything hurtful including yelling) but I honestly have absolutely NO reason to believe she is anything less.

Thank you Michelle ...you know, this is a really really great idea...I don't know why I never thought of that! That definitely helps me in the privacy department!

TB I obviously don't know what you did or why you did it but I doubt that the personality inventory test will shed all kinds of light on the issue. You know why you did it and I bet there are some good explanations for whatever happened. And I bet if you keep rereading and editing your letter, adding more information as you remember it, describing the context of the events as best you can (your mental state at the time plus the events and circumstances surrounding it), and the resources available to you at the time you will start to understand why you didn't make the choices you now wish you had. What if I or your close friend or sibling described a similar set of events? Would you judge as harshly as you're judging yourself? I bet your therapist won't either.

Just a word to the wise, if I wrote stuff I wanted confidential, I'd probably want to hand it to T rather than email it. Email is mostly safe and secure...but having just that one, hard copy out there seems more secure to me.

I just want you to know that I've been there...done that. I had a dark secret that was holding me back in therapy and keeping me from completely healing from my depression. Almost a year ago, I decided to share it with T. It was one of the best decisions that I ever made. I improved leaps and bounds after that. I highly recommend it! I saw my T for 10 months before I trusted her deeply, as she proved herself time-and-time again, but it was still very hard to get those words out of my mouth. I wish I had booked a double session that time! I chose to just tell her in person. I didn't want all the details in writing. T has assured me twice that only she knows all of the details. She only writes light and very general notes, she says, and she has offered to let me read them twice (without me ever asking).

Anyway, I really encourage you to do this, the sooner the better. It will be sooooo helpful! I wish I had been able to trust my T sooner, but I just could not. Really, telling T and working through it has made ALL the difference in my life!

Best of luck to you TBB!

I do my best not to judge people (T noticed this about me as well), so no I wouldn't. I would take you in my arms, and be there for you. I would allow you to hurt and accept that it was something you did and regret. And I would not ever bring it up again, because I know it would hurt you.

But most people are not like that.

I have heard others reaction to other people doing similar things and it has never been sympathetic, understanding or kind. I have been combing through everything as I write, giving her as much detail as possible (i'm at 5 pages and haven't even gotten to the second secret yet), and I have noticed that there are some things I have found a more clearer understanding of that I never realized before - though, most of these came from things i've learned with T.

Thanks for the encouraging story! I think its kind of scary to think about how life can be without this burden, as i've probably lived longer with it than without it - but you sound so ... enlightened! It is quite appealing, and does give me something to hope for.

I do agree with the one copy thing as well (disc, paper, whatever)...and i'm thinking in the end, i'm going to take it back with me and burn it.

I do my best not to judge people (T noticed this about me as well), so no I wouldn't. I would take you in my arms, and be there for you. I would allow you to hurt and accept that it was something you did and regret. And I would not ever bring it up again, because I know it would hurt you.

TB you deserve that same kind of compassion from yourself! And it might feel good to let yourself experience kindness, compassion, non-judgment and acceptance from your T. People make mistakes. We face situations that we aren't prepared for and we don't have the experience or skills to deal with them. Our judgment is sometimes messed up by addiction or mental illness or whatever else. You're working hard to become the person you want to be. You're more than your worst mistakes. It's okay whatever it is.

I read a book by (or maybe about) Wallis Simpson (the woman behind the abdication of the throne by Prince Edward, Duke of Windsor, formerly King Edward VIII of the United Kingdom and the Dominions). She wasn't a remarkably attractive woman, but did very well with men. It said that Wallis believed that oftentimes the best compliments are ones you receive second-hand. Like when you tell a friend good the hostess is, and then the friend tells the hostess. The only problem with this strategy is the middle person has to pass on the compliment, and it probably can't be forced, but my experience is that it's true. It's one thing for someone to tell me something, that I sometimes struggle with accepting, or wonder why they are telling me that. But if they tell someone else about me, it feels more like the speaker really meant the compliment.

So.... maybe if you just printed out what you wrote about her and let her read it. I think I would have been very warmed to read what you said about her that I responded to. It's different from telling her the same thing, and very powerful. I've done it with my T.

I don't know if this will help, anyway I always tell my Ts that I don't want them to read what I write out loud and be gentle when talking about whatever it is.

Well, I finished writing my letter. All 9 1/2 pages of it. And although the second half could use a little more detail, the point has been conveyed. I'm still deciding on which route I will take in presenting it to her, and when.

Thanks LostIn8 and I will definitely be telling her to read it to herself lol.

=] I think she would like that. Maybe i will just do that. Never crossed my mind. Thanks Syra!

I can not comment, because a whole bunch of emotions just welled up in my throat about this but... ...and I will try. I hope T doesn't choose now to let me down.

just so you know, therapists are required by law to report any crimes or abuse confessed to them.

My t gave me a different understanding of that. She said she would not report if i came in and told her I did something illegal yesterday. She said she would have to report if someone was currently in an abusive situation or if I was threatening to hurt someone, she was required to warn the person, or if I was suicidal she would need to notify a family member.

google it and see for yourself. Therapist Code of Ethics on Reporting a Crime

this is exactly why I don't trust any of them no matter how sweet and nice they come off as.

It depends entirely on how serious the crime was, and any abuse must be reported. Their so-called confidentiality is only good for stuff that wouldn't get you in trouble any ways.

Obviously she won't report little crimes, like getting high or stealing cigarettes, it really depends on the severity.

Tell her you robbed a bank and see what happens

I've seen it. But I believe her. I have no reason not to.

as long as you know, it's up to you. Was not my intent to scare u or worry u, only educate u.