Can someone please define mother-figure so I understand. My T once asked me if I saw him as a mother-figure. I didn't understand what he meant so i said "No".

[Freewilled]

I think of a mother-figure as one who is more nurturing, comforting, protective, safe and provides love.

[Rive.]

One who can be trusted, one who is a safe harbour to go to and who is always there for us, one who loves us unconditionally.

[ECHOES]

Someone who can fulfill our every need, who knows just what we need and what we want and can provide that just because we have the wants and needs. Someone who is nurturing, comforting, accepts all parts of us, who will guide us with our best interests in mind, who is a safe harbor...who gives and wants nothing in return.

You know, what a mother figure should look like has changed over the years in therapy. Sometimes I even felt shocked when my every need wasn't met by T.
Eventually I learnt that a good enough mother doesn't need to be the start and end. But they do need to stand beside you as you find your beginning and end.
That if a T as a mother figure did it all for me before I knew what it was I even wanted/felt than she would be robbing me.
A lot of us who come into therapy for a traumatic upbringing have a gaping wound. We do not really know what part of that hole another should fill and what part of the hole is ours.
We don't know any of that, we just want 'mum'. The lack of mothering leaves us with a gap that our fantasy fills so we can survive.
It's working through what's fantasy and what's a real expectation.
Takes a while to work through that.
To know that T not jumping in and hugging you because your upset isn't uncaring, it's valuing you enough to let you feel your feelings and finally process them because T is more concerned about you working through your pain rather than being 'seen' to be the perfect mother.
A therapist can never be that mother, but they don't need to be, they just need to care enough to stand beside us through all of it.
For those of us that missed out on having a good enough upbringing, that alone feels so transforming. Because we never had it.
For those who say "my mother was good enough so I don't want some stranger to be my mother". I wonder if they really did have a good enough mother, because if they did, they would understand someone else's desire to finally get what they say they had. I think it's more that they hold into the believe they had it because if they let go the defence they did than they would feel the feelings others are in touch with.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Mouse, just re your last paragraph - I'm not sure I understand correctly?

My mother was amazing, but she's also now dead. I don't want the therapist to be my mother, but I am rapidly finding out I kind of see her as doing some of the same supportive and nurturing things (to a lesser extent) in the absence of my mother. I can absolutely see why others would want therapists to be a mother to them, especially if someone has no experience at all of how precious good mothering is, if that makes sense...but if you have had a good mother, nobody can ever, EVER, take her place.

Is your argument that if you insist your mother was 'good enough' you can't understand someone else's longing for that? If so I disagree! But I might be misunderstanding you

I was unsure about the statement about those who feel good about their mothers too. I really did have a fantastic mother, so I have no need for my T to serve that role, but that does in no way mean I don't respect or on some level understand others' needs for that kind of relationship. And it isn't a matter of not being in touch with that need either (which might conversly be hard for someone who does have that need to understand?). We all come from different places in our lives and have very unique needs.

Indestructible, I meant those that are condescending about others who for lack if better words wish their T was their mothers.
I don't see you being that.

[WikidPissah]

I had the mother-from-hell. Abusive when she wasn't being neglectful. She did not feed me, clothe me, or nurture me. I still wouldn't look for that from a t, I know that there is no way a person I see once or twice a week can fulfill that need

I am a mother though, and I think I am a pretty good one (I did not say perfect). As a mother, I set aside all of my needs at any time day or night when my kid genuinely needs me. I consider a genuine need to be physical or emotional pain, fear or the like...not "my favorite jeans are dirty". I don't think a T can be that. I honestly don't think anyone other than a mother can be that. Just my opinion though.

[stopdog]

The one I see has said I should use her as a good mother figure. Then she goes on to describe things I don't know why I would want from anyone, let alone her.
If I understand her description correctly, she means that she would be/I should believe she is supportive, encouraging, an ally, non-punitive, and wanting to act with positive regard to me.
Just typing that out makes me a little anxious. To me, the notion of the therapist being those things is simply awful (that is not the completely correct word, but I don't seem to be able to describe it better). To others, it is comforting. I find nothing wrong if someone finds it a comforting idea. I just do not myself.

A definition from Dictionary.com:
a woman embodying or seeming to embody the qualities of an idealized conception of the female parent, eliciting from others the emotional responses that a child typically has toward its mother.

In this, I think it would be the last one - the complete mother

http://www.psychologies.co.uk/family...r-types-2.html

[CantExplain]

When my daughter was very young, she drew a picture of her mother. It was very simple.

Two nipples and a smile.

Nailed it.

[FeelTheBurn]

Oh god, CE, that's perfect! I think I need to make a t-shirt out of that one!

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by stopdog

If I understand her description correctly, she means that she would be/I should believe she is supportive, encouraging, an ally, non-punitive, and wanting to act with positive regard to me.
Just typing that out makes me a little anxious. To me, the notion of the therapist being those things is simply awful (that is not the completely correct word, but I don't seem to be able to describe it better).

Before I started therapy I would have agreed with this 100%. It's not that I didn't want support/encouragement etc, but I had a very particular idea of what that should be in my head and it was always at arm's length, maybe like more of a mentor in the workplace or a supervisor overseeing my dissertation at college - warm and friendly in a way, but nowhere near as emotionally intimate as it's turned out to be. I would have identified very much with what you sometimes write about wanting the therapist to 'stay back', in my own way. I'm obviously pretty fickle in my ideas as I've done nearly a 180 degree turn on this

I appreciate that it could well be much too personal a question, so if so I completely understand, but - do you think the reason you absolutely do not want those qualities from your therapist is because those particular needs are not issues for you, and are being amply met by someone else (a partner maybe?) and so it feels incongruous and squicky for the therapist to talk about them, when they are simply not lacking for you in your 'real' life?

[CantExplain]

"Squicky" is a great word!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I appreciate that it could well be much too personal a question, so if so I completely understand, but - do you think the reason you absolutely do not want those qualities from your therapist is because those particular needs are not issues for you, and are being amply met by someone else (a partner maybe?) and so it feels incongruous and squicky for the therapist to talk about them, when they are simply not lacking for you in your 'real' life?

I don't think they are lacking in terms of another person because I don't see how anyone would get those things from another human, except maybe the non punitive part and now that I am an adult, I can generally get away from that on my own. I don't believe the therapist is an ally. At best she is sometimes possibly not an an active enemy, but most people are not enemies. I don't see how any therapist is supportive to any client. I understand people think the one they see is, and I am not saying the therapist is not to them, just that I don't see or understand it.

[Healingchild]

Thank Mouse for your explanation of what a therapist can and can not do. I too had a very abusive mother and it was dangerous for me to have those natural children's needs. I had to stop myself from having them. Now, after 30 years of off again, on again therapy ( mostly off again) I am starting to want those things. I am 62 years old and I am embarrassed to feel this way toward my younger therapist. The adult me knows that she can't be my mother but this little child inside me wants her to do things that mothers do. Like hold me, touch my face and tell me everything is going to be OK. This is just starting to happen to me and I am going through a lot of constant anxiety over it. I'm on a roller coaster that I think is obsession. I want to go back to the therapist I use to have so she doesn't know this is happening to me and I am terrified to tell her. I'm pretty sure I can't tell her and that I will only be able to say that I am having some thoughts that I can't tell her about. I think I am the last one to know that I am attached to her and she knows that I have been working on trying to allow my little girl to have her say. So she probably has a good idea what is going on with me.

[ECHOES]

It is both helpful and difficult to talk about it with your therapist. It's important, because it speaks about your needs and desires.

I am 60 and have talked about it with my therapist from the beginning, 6 years ago. It still happens and when it does we talk about it. I even think it's important that it still happens because I think it means that I feel worthy of those desires, that I'm not telling myself "No", or "That's for others, not you.", etc. like I had to for so long. Talking about it has helped me to understand myself better, and to have some peaceful times.

[Healingchild]

Thanks Echoes. How did you start the conversation about you wanting this motherly affection?

[yoyoism]

My mom was never abusive. She can be histrionic and passive-aggressive, but she loves the heck out of me. I wish I could feel the same.

I always (subconsciously) look for mother-figures in my teachers.

* But sometimes it gets mixed up with romantic transference because I am gay. So twice the confusion.

[Healingchild]

Yes, I am a lesbian too. With other therapists I have sexualized the relationship but this time I seemed to be more focused on the little child within.

[stopdog]

The therapist I see keeps bringing up herself as the mother figure with no encouragement from me. I did not realize this was not super usual.

[FeelTheBurn]

Healingchild, I hear you. I'm 49 and I've got the same thing going with my 34 year old T. It's comforting, maddening, frightening, embarrassing...and that obsessive anxiety, yes!

The good thing to know is, once you've acknowledged it and brought it forward, it stops running the show quite so much, and starts to work for you instead of against you. The pain and the anxiety start to fade, and you'll find that even your body reflects it differently. (the "burn" in my user name refers to my version of that awful aching fearful need)

The best thing you can do for yourself is share it with your T, and let her help you use those feelings to heal. And believe me, it can be so very healing, so effective in slowly closing those deep wounds that have bled and weakened you for so long. Being aware that it isn't "real," but giving yourself permission to feel it anyway, and using that connection with her to move you past those maternal gaps in your heart, can be the ticket out of a lot of old junk. At least it was for me.

As to telling--that is going to have to depend on your level of communication with her. If you feel fairly trusting of her, summon all your courage and either tell her, write it to her, email it to her, leave her a phone message...whatever you can manage. Let your adult mind guide the child, if you can separate it out that way.

I told mine straight out, after many months, and it was agonizingly hard and embarrassing and awkward and all that. And after I told her, I hazarded a glance, and she was looking at me with tears and love and so much empathy that I didn't know whether to run, s***, or go blind. But the ice had broken, and the river began to flow, and I've been getting better ever since.

Good luck, you can do it!

[Healingchild]

Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn

I told mine straight out, after many months, and it was agonizingly hard and embarrassing and awkward and all that. And after I told her, I hazarded a glance, and she was looking at me with tears and love and so much empathy that I didn't know whether to run, s***, or go blind. But the ice had broken, and the river began to flow, and I've been getting better ever since.

Good luck, you can do it!

I can see myself taking a peak too. I hope if I can get the courage that I get the same response as you. That would be soooo beautuful. I love your description "run, s***, or go blind". Whatever the response would be would be hard to take.

Thank you very much for the encouragement.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Healingchild

Thanks Echoes. How did you start the conversation about you wanting this motherly affection?

I'm not sure where it began. I wanted a hug from her from the start, and was able to talk about that. I also wanted her to sit beside me and was able to say that. I talked about wishing I'd had someone to guide me, comfort me, encourage me, then and now. She encouraged me to talk about anything and everything, including fantasies, and after a while I could do that. I shared childhood fantasies of being adopted by another family, usually a teacher, and how my family probably would miss me but not for long, they'd be okay. I share dreams with her no matter how weird or brief they are, too.

I know intellectually she can't be the perfect mother. But I have argued with her that I don't get past it because it just makes absolute perfect sense to me that it should be healing to receive now what I didn't receive then, and what's made me the way I am now (not totally, but majorly). It makes sense like feeding a hungry person heals the gnawing hunger in her belly.

You could bring it up in general terms by telling your therapist that you talked about it here.

Sometimes I have to begin by saying "I have something to tell you, but I don't know how to begin" and that seems to be the ice-breaker because then I can get to it. And she's prepared too, because.... well, lol, I've just prepared her.

[Healingchild]

Thanks Echoes and Feeltheburn. Thanks so much for responding. It's been very encouraging to hear from people who are older and need it too. It's so embarrassing. All of you guys are so brave. Maybe age and psychotherapy should be a thread in itself. I do ask to give her a hug at the end of the sessions. Thank goodness that is there. Some things that you guys mention (sit beside me, comfort me) would be very hard for me to ask for even though I want it. I do want to tell her that I don't want to do it alone anymore. I want someone with me to help me. One time when I was at home and I was talking to her in my head I had a transference. It took me a long time to realize I was talking to my mom. From that I know I am afraid that my therapist will use what gets to me (needing to be held and stuff) against me. I know my T is in this field because she cares but this somewhat invisible wall is almost impossible to break through.