[growlithing]

I really wish my T had done something to prevent this. I'm in the ER waiting to get a room in the psych ward. The psychiatrist who evaluated me didn't think it was safe to release me after coming in needing stitches for SI.

I'm scared, hungry, alone, and almost naked in these awful gowns. I'd say I want to go home, but my well intentioned roommates thought that calling my mom to tell her what's going on would be a good idea. It really wasn't. She called me and harassed me on my hospital bed.

I really wish I were dead.

I'm mad at my T... but I also wish she were here.

[confused and dazed]

I'm sorry , I don't have much to offer, except to ask for something to eat. The ER staff should get you something to eat. ( at least in the hospital's I've been in)

Hugs

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by confused and dazed

I'm sorry , I don't have much to offer, except to ask for something to eat. The ER staff should get you something to eat. ( at least in the hospital's I've been in)

Hugs

I did. No food. They gave me Ativan which has been helping me calm down a lot.

I just hope this is worth it.

[Wren_]

i really hope they are able to help you and can provide the support you haven't been able to get from your T ... i know this is a terrifying step for you ... but it really does seem like the safest place for you to be just now

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

i really hope they are able to help you and can provide the support you haven't been able to get from your T ... i know this is a terrifying step for you ... but it really does seem like the safest place for you to be just now

You really think so? It seemed like people weren't really sure I should go in or not. Now that the Ativan has kicked in, I feel safe and attended to. I know I won't feel that way in the morning when it wears off. Hopefully they just keep me sedated most of the time.

[Wren_]

from what you've been writing lately ... every other source of help you've tried hasn't been able to provide you with the care and support you need (other than the most recent person who you were still waiting on)

... and you've also mentioned being a danger to yourself; so yes ... i think for right now it's the best option you could take --- a scary one, but also a brave one in you going in now, and i hope that bravery pays off by them being able to help

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

from what you've been writing lately ... every other source of help you've tried hasn't been able to provide you with the care and support you need (other than the most recent person who you were still waiting on)

... and you've also mentioned being a danger to yourself; so yes ... i think for right now it's the best option you could take --- a scary one, but also a brave one in you going in now, and i hope that bravery pays off by them being able to help

I was going to die and no one was taking me seriously so I had to. I couldn't just let myself die.

[feralkittymom]

I really hope that you can use this break to be brutally honest with the pdoc about your situation with your mother, the intensity of your SI urges, and your need for more skilled treatment than you have at your school. I hope they can get you medically stabilized on a regimen that will maintain you. Use the calm of the ativan to reveal yourself and to make a plan for aftercare.

Your T didn't make this decision for you. You made the decision, and you can feel proud of that. I know it must feel like you're giving up control, but another way of looking at this is that you're taking control. Take the next step by not minimizing, and not being intimidated by your family, to tell your truth. You deserve help.

[Wren_]

I was going to die and no one was taking me seriously so I had to. I couldn't just let myself die.

that's what i mean; right now as scary as it is, you need to be there to survive ... keep fighting for that which includes doing what feralkittymom just suggested in being as honest as you can be about what is going on and how scared you have been

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I really hope that you can use this break to be brutally honest with the pdoc about your situation with your mother, the intensity of your SI urges, and your need for more skilled treatment than you have at your school. I hope they can get you medically stabilized on a regimen that will maintain you. Use the calm of the ativan to reveal yourself and to make a plan for aftercare.

Your T didn't make this decision for you. You made the decision, and you can feel proud of that. I know it must feel like you're giving up control, but another way of looking at this is that you're taking control. Take the next step by not minimizing, and not being intimidated by your family, to tell your truth. You deserve help.

There is a difference for me between losing control and giving up control. I gave up my control to some people who can handle it better than I can. That isn't losing control. This is sucking it up and getting help. Maybe I'll feel differently when the medication wears off. But I took what my T wasn't giving me.

Of course I'll be honest now. I'm already in the place I aggressively didn't want to go to. Can't lose much more now.

Originally Posted by growlithing

I really wish my T had done something to prevent this. I'm in the ER waiting to get a room in the psych ward. The psychiatrist who evaluated me didn't think it was safe to release me after coming in needing stitches .

You are going to have to learn that no one can prevent you from harming yourself but you. Take responsibility for making the decision to harm yourself so severely that you had to be hospitalized. You wanted others to take care of you, and now they will. I know that sounds harsh, but I have been exactly where you are right now, and I had to learn that lesson myself. Ultimately, no one is responsible for my actions but me.

So, now that you are where you have access to safety and professionals who can help you find ways to help yourself, use their resources. Be blatantly honest about your mother's abusive behaviors. My pdoc was able to advocate for me when my husband's behaviors where detrimental to me.

You need to stay in the hospital this time long enough that the doctors can get you on medications that can stabilize you, long enough that the social workers can arranged competent after care with a pdoc and therapist, long enough that you can leave actually feeling safer and able to function.

Stay THROUGh the panic about your lack of music, etc. those feelings will pass so you can benefit from the services the hospital can provided. If you cut and run because you panic, you will end up right back in this same spot probably sooner than later.

Good luck to you, and use this as the starting point for positive changes in your life.

[lucky2001]

*hug* i read your earlier post but couldn't respond at the time. It seems like you're really struggling i really hope you get the help you deserve.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I really wish my T had done something to prevent this. I'm in the ER waiting to get a room in the psych ward. The psychiatrist who evaluated me didn't think it was safe to release me after coming in needing stitches for SI.

I'm scared, hungry, alone, and almost naked in these awful gowns. I'd say I want to go home, but my well intentioned roommates thought that calling my mom to tell her what's going on would be a good idea. It really wasn't. She called me and harassed me on my hospital bed.

I really wish I were dead.

I'm mad at my T... but I also wish she were here.

I hear that you are scared, and hungry and alone. I wonder if the almost naked clothing just reinforces your feelings of being almost naked as they evaluate you and your mother calls.

I totally get your being angry at your T AND wishing she were there with you. someone who could share this awful experience? of being in the hospital. and having a mom that was very unhelpful. is that it?

[unaluna]

Fwiw, I was in hospital because I had food poisoning and my mother called me and harrassed me to come home. Some people are just oblivious. My mantra lately has been, this only matters to me. Maybe for some people, if it matters to them, it matters to their mother - boy, what fantasyland is that, eh? But for others of us, our mothers only think that if it matters to THEM, it should matter to us. What DOES matter to us, doesn't matter. It's hard to do on our own. but other people get it and support you/us.

Eta: I forgot - fantasy land does exist... with my t; for wiki's kids; for us who come here. This list is not all inclusive!

[WikidPissah]

(((growlith)))
I hope that you can get your mood stabilized inpatient. It does seem like this is the best thing for you right now. I know it sux though...I do understand feeling abandoned there. I hope you get the best pdoc and social worker on the planet, and that the healing begins.
;hug:

[taylor43]

I hope you get the right help! Keeping you in my thoughts!

[growlycat]

Growlithing did mention that at some point she will not have internet access.
So if we do not hear, it is because she can't answer yet

[mcl6136]

hang in there. Water might help ground and stabilize you, if nothing else. I'm glad you are in a safe place where you can be honest. That takes real courage.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

You are going to have to learn that no one can prevent you from harming yourself but you. Take responsibility for making the decision to harm yourself so severely that you had to be hospitalized. You wanted others to take care of you, and now they will. I know that sounds harsh, but I have been exactly where you are right now, and I had to learn that lesson myself. Ultimately, no one is responsible for my actions but me.

So, now that you are where you have access to safety and professionals who can help you find ways to help yourself, use their resources. Be blatantly honest about your mother's abusive behaviors. My pdoc was able to advocate for me when my husband's behaviors where detrimental to me.

You need to stay in the hospital this time long enough that the doctors can get you on medications that can stabilize you, long enough that the social workers can arranged competent after care with a pdoc and therapist, long enough that you can leave actually feeling safer and able to function.

Stay THROUGh the panic about your lack of music, etc. those feelings will pass so you can benefit from the services the hospital can provided. If you cut and run because you panic, you will end up right back in this same spot probably sooner than later.

Good luck to you, and use this as the starting point for positive changes in your life.

I agree 1,000%. Im glad you decided to do this, growlithing.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I really wish my T had done something to prevent this.

Ultimately, you are the one who chooses to either hurt yourself or not hurt yourself.

I completely empathize with your situation and really hope that you can get the support you really need, but it really is up to you how you deal with your feelings. Your T can't control your actions - only you can. It might sound harsh to say that, but it's the truth, and my T has told me that

[Bill3]

I am sorry that you had so much pain. I am grateful that you can be in safe place and I am hoping and trusting that better care and support can be arranged. You have been strong to survive your upbringing and to forcefully seek better care. Keep up that good work!

[growlithing]

I actually do have minimal internet access in here so that is a lot better than last time. My psychiatrist and social worker here are trying to set me up with DBT after I get out of here. I said I'd be willing to try anything.

I've been as honest as I know how to be. I don't think I'm going to get out of here before Monday because they want to take the time to get me into out patient stuff plus keep an eye on me for the weekend. I'm really miserable. I want to go home but I'm stuck. I understand it's for the best but damn. I really want to practice. I'm going to be so out of shape.

[taylor43]

Hun take the weekend to rest, maybe get some books to read. The weekends are very quite on . Good for you being honest that is the most important thing to do on getting better! I hope they will help you allot!

[Bill3]

Thanks for letting us know. Hang in there!

[growlithing]

I'm trying to calm down and rest. My T came to visit me and that helped. I'm touched that she did that and not angry at her anymore.