[VinAlex]

I find myself in a situation from time to time where I am ducking from flying objects thrown by an angry man who is quite a bit larger than I am. always afraid of getting hit or beaten or hurt by his proudly uncontrolled, rage-filled temper, I have even found myself a contact target for his hands, slapping me around in a wrath waiting for retaliation. generally, I remain non-responsive to any contact or pain, regardless of its intensity, and simply glare into his eyes to show a lack of feeling or an inability to feel pain ... if I can see it coming. however, each and every time without exception, I walk away from such incidents in a rage of my own, wanting to cause semi-permanent damage to his face hoping to put a stop to his threats and fits. it seems to me that any time I find myself being threatened or assulted (verbally or otherwise), I become so enraged that, in the stead of fear, I feel a cringeing need in my heart to destroy or severely damage someting. unless something is thrown at me, in which case I will recoil and duck automatically without any chance of choosing my movement ... but later I am ablaze with anger. I am not looking for another person to tell me I need to get out of this situation and away from this person ... that is a generic response I have heard a million times that has yet to answer any questions that I have about my responses. I need someone who really knows what they are talking about to answer these questions: why would fear lead to such anger and rage if on any other day I am a peaceful and likeable man? why do I become so angry when I respond in fear (as when I duck) or should be in fear (as when threatened)? why would I become so enraged if my life were threatened? is this dangerous?

[PasDeDeux]

Hi I replied to your thread back in General this area is for and about your therapist and therapy. Are you seeing a therapist??? To answer another one of your questions YES it could be dangerous if you flew into a rage and killed or harmed your partner. What I don't understand is why you want to answer all the questions you listed but have been told to get out and yet you do not seem to persue this safe and smart choice as leaving until you get those answers...Its like sitting on a bomb and talking about why is the red wire here and the blue on there and not getting away from the danger

[paperdoll]

Maybe you feel fear and anger because you are hurt.

[paperdoll]

Maybe I should clarify, so you don't think I mean physically hurt. Maybe this comes from a feeling of betrayal and hurt feelings. That the one you are suppose to trust and count on becomes your sometimes enemy. That has to hurt emotionally. I think alot of anger comes from being emotionally hurt or let down.

For a long time I could not cry. I wanted so much to have a good cry but just couldn't, I asked a friend why this might be and he said, "you are too angry to cry" The day I cried was so healing. I needed it so much.

[VinAlex]

The reason I say "Don't tell me the same old thing" is because it doesn't answer my questions. People think it does, so when I ask, "Why do I feel like torturing this Thing of a male?" their response is always the same: "Get out!" That tells me nothing but that they are not listening. Would my telling you "Get a new pen" tell you why the one you have won't write on wet paper? It seems to me that no one listens but to what they want to hear. They want to hear, "This idiot keeps pushing its size and weight around," and not , "What the hell is going on inside me?"

The question as to why I don't just get the hell out has been answered already and I have never had a hard time underestanding my lack of action: I'm scared to the point my blood has run dry that 'it' is going to do something horrid to me. I also have no place to go due to the fact that I have no friends, no money and no expirience with people. It promises to help shoud I decide to leave, but I have no reason to trust anything it says.
I do cover it up. I came from an abusive home where I even covered up my father's actions for fear (mostly) that someone would think less of him (now, I hope they do). Now I am in this same damned situation with the very man who faught my father off for this very behaviour who is exhibiting the exact carbon copy of his actions, and every time someone asks about the mark on my forehead or the bruise on my arm or face, though I'm holding his balls in my hand, I can't squeeze and I just cover it up for the same reason.

I have always wanted to show a lack of fear to the bullies I would face in my life, but I would never expect that my hope of a lack of fear would turn to a waiting rage.

No, I am not seeing a therapist because I have no money.

[Junerain]

for Vinalex..

I promise I won't tell you to leave..perhaps I can help you look deep inside and understand..perhaps your pen, on wet paper, just needs to be put on some dry paper!! I notice you call your perpetrator '....it..' that, again shows inner lack of action to your fears...it's kind of a fear of your very own fears..a recoiling in times of trouble...a way of hurting "it.." without actually hurting IT. You wrote a little about your father- I believe this plays a big part in your present day choices. If you had the money for a therapist, you would address these issues of what your father did to your inner psyche. What about a battered persons shelter they make it safe from anyone from their perpetrator or what about a support group like depression bipolar support alliance dbsalliance.org Not to say you must leave...I believe the first step is, yes, understanding this scared to the point your blood runs dry...this FEELING....THEN once you understand how you feel about the situation...THEN re-assess how to handle those feelings..

[Rapunzel]

Anger is a fear-based emotion. When you feel anger, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" That should start you off towards finding some of your answers. Even if you do find a way to get some counseling, all that anyone can do is to help you to discover the answers for you from within yourself.

There are resources out there that would help get you started at least. And they will connect you with other resources too. A woman's shelter would advise you on getting out, what to keep in mind, and where you can find a counselor who can help you whatever your resources are. There's a phone number 1-800-799-SAFE. http://www.ndvh.org/ Calling the number doesn't obligate you to do anything. You could just call and find out what your options are.

[VinAlex]

Thanks for the tip Rapunzel ... just one little problem: I'm a 24 yr old straight male.


Gotcha :-)

I did notice the theme of most of the responses was the assumption that I was a female and this addressed a husband as the problem.

but this is a serious problem that I am having.

I do appreciate all the answers I am receiving, they are helping me and some are hitting the nail right on the head.

-- Vincent Alexander (VinAlex)

[VinAlex]

For June Rain

"I promise I won't tell you to leave..perhaps I can help you look deep inside and understand..perhaps your pen, on wet paper, just needs to be put on some dry paper!!"

You just told me to leave :-).

"I notice you call your perpetrator '....it..' that, again shows inner lack of action to your fears...it's kind of a fear of your very own fears..a recoiling in times of trouble...a way of hurting "it.." without actually hurting IT."

I meant "it" as "a complete lack of respect for one who lowers himself beneath the role of an honorable human to that of an inanimate object." By useing the word 'it,' I am demonstrating that I have no respect for him and that he is nothing to me because he is no example of a man. I did find your statement quite interesting ... though it is a bit difficult to follow your exact intended meaning.

"Not to say you must leave...I believe the first step is, yes, understanding this scared to the point your blood runs dry...this FEELING....THEN once you understand how you feel about the situation...THEN re-assess how to handle those feelings.."

How correct you are about understanding the feeling. That is why I am so forceful about readers answering my questions and not telling me to leave ... I want to know why, not what to do about it. I already know what to do about it.
You say at the end "re-assess how to handle those feelings..", what do you mean by this?

[Rapunzel]

Oops. I actually did come back to this thread and wonder if I had made a wrong assumption. Sorry about that. I'll make another assumption and guess that if you wanted to tell us the nature of your relationship with the man who abuses you, you would have already. There must be something that keeps you in this situation.

I do think it sounds dangerous, because we know that this man can be violent, so who knows where he would draw the line? And victims of bullying or violence often internalize things and inwardly become enraged, and then some dam breaks and they can become extremely violent in reaction. Think about the school shootings and who usually does that stuff. And the home you grew up in probably socialized you towards putting up with and covering for abuse. We tend to repeat old patterns until we understand them and learn how to break them. It often takes help to do that.

BTW, those resources I posted would still give you valuable information. Battered women experience much of what you have described, as I'm sure you know, and the same people who know how to advise women being victimized by men they are in relationships with also know how to help other victims of violence and abuse. I know they would talk to you and connect you with appropriate resources for your circumstances and location.

TC,
Rap