[~EnlightenMe~]

My depressed state lifted about six this evening. It just went away, I feel so much better. I hope it lasts.

[Patagonia]

I feel devastated. My t seems to be putting me thru the wash. It's her way or the high way. Gee just like my past. I'm just so sick of not being listened to & talked down to. What kind of therapy dynamic is that.
Just put me out of my misery.

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[growlycat]

nearing the holidays, the emotions are flooding in good and bad.

[pmbm]

Accomplished much holiday preparation with my wife today. Feeling really good about that. Also, still feeling baffled by my son's behavior that has landed him in residential care. Hoping for a miracle there.

lost...very completely lost

[AnnaBegins]

Overwhelmingly hopeless...tired of putting in so much effort and getting so little relief...wondering why I even bother...

[confused and dazed]

For the first time in way tooo many years...... I am feeling the Christmas spirt! Bought a tree, decorated the house and made holiday plans! It's kinda a strange feeling, but a good "strange".

[healingme4me]

I'm finally eating those two candies, I grabbed, from the bowl. I always grab, two candies, and save them for later. I am so glad, for the candy bowl. The butter cream, good call! I wonder, if anyone, grabs a handful? Wonder, how, that conversation would go?

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Hating myself. Hating myself.

[Lamplighter]

Bit drunk, which means a hangover tomorrow . And it wasn't even therapy day today. Lot of pain for an hour or two of escapism. You'd think I'd have wised up by now

[Nightlight]

Sad that I made the decision to skip my appointment this week because of the cost. So I'll have one session with T before Christmas and this is a difficult time of year. My January sessions won't be nice and evenly distributed throughout the month because of another two week break. I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep going after the next seven sessions or so. Mostly I try to look away from it, but I keep being hit by sudden waves of I don't really have anyone, I'm not good enough, nobody cares, everyone leaves in the end.

[Patagonia]

Nervous. Have phone call w/ T tomorrow to see if we'll continue. I NEED to continue I just don't know if I need to w/ them.

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[Kat188743343]

Feeling kinda empty. Like nothing really matters...I have a medication review tomoz, and feeling like I'm wasting their time as there is nothing really wrong with me,surely?

[tealBumblebee]

{Post Session Check In}

T session today was kind of weird. There was a list of about three of four things i wanted to talk to her about and didn't know how or which one to talk about so I decided not to talk about any. I know I wanted to show her my s.h. I did this week (a bit divergent from my norm) so I just decided if nothing else i'd let my art do the talking.

So, I walked in, we said hey, she prayed and the minute she opened her eyes she's like "What's going on? You look like you have something on your mind." I, naturally, denied it (mainly because I was caught off guard by how easily she read me) and she was like "Nope, you have something. Whats up."

So we went back and forth like that for a minute and I told her it was extremely creepy how she just knew I had something and started question her on what she was observing, why she was observing this, what she saw in that, where she got this idea from and on. Of course she answered me (she never not answers my question) and then I finally showed her.

She asked me what I used, how i felt at the time, where I did it, what time of day, etc. She asked me why I wanted to show them to her (which I expected) and I told her I honestly didn't know. She said I was testing her, to see how she would react and if she'd stop liking me/caring for me, etc. I don't know how true it is but she has told me before that I test her to see how much I can trust her before she "abandons me".

She also mentioned something that I do when we touch "tender" subjects and we decided/agreed that this was one of my self soothing techniques/coping mechanisms. She said it was okay to do it, she just noticed that I do it. Then I caught myself doing it again a little later so we had a little laugh about that.

We talked about like two other things and I guess it was a decent session overall.

I get kinda in a blue funk over the holidays.

On the one hand I'm excited about the lights and music.

On the other, I'm melancholic over all the bad memories.

Kinda like a free floating detachment of sorts that I simply don't know how to describe ...

Nor what to do with.

I'm still fighting this lousy depression and stomach issues from my meds. I think I just about have that issue figured out, but I'm tired of feeling ill all the time.

School was cancelled Friday and today because of the ice. We'll be back to school tomorrow. Friday night's performance was cancelled. I wouldn't have tried to get there anyway. Saturday my son's madrigal dinner was cancelled. I did get to the symphony chorus performance Sunday which went well.

Saw my therapist today. It had been awhile because he has been quite ill for a few weeks. It was an okay session, but as depressed as I am, it was only so helpful. My mind doesn't work well in therapy mode when I'm this way.

[growlycat]

CBT T may just get in my car and help me with my driving phobia.he's just going to ask around re liability issues and how to protect us both from a worst case scenario.

no one has ever helped me learn to drive before.not my family anyways

[RTerroni]

Very relieved since I was able to let most of the things off my chest (most importantly the issue of touch) that I was a little nervous to say with the psychologist.

[neutrino]

Unappreciated.

[NWgirl2013]

Like I am slipping away, ever so slowing. There is barely a shell of me left now.

[healingme4me]

I realized why T brought that up. Because of how I started back in therapy, this past round, which has been a little over a year. Grappling with man problems.
Sorting through my own integrity, moral code. Funny, I'd even sat with a priest, last fall '12, to ask a question. Imagine that, reconciliation before any sin is committed?
No sin was ever committed. But I knew if I had, I'd still be in good light. He,,the priest, mentioned the prodigal son, and called me daughter.
Alas, last session, I'd all but forgotten, one concern, waltzing back in his office, many months ago.
All in all, life proceeds, integrity intact, and it's moving forward and hopeful.

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[Nightlight]

I really wish I had an appointment to go to tomorrow like normal. I wish my appointments didn't cost so much that I end up feeling conflicted, guilty, sad, ashamed, and terrified all at once. There is a part of me that just can't understand why it's so difficult to get some much needed help when life is so difficult. Am I not worth saving?

[Daeva]

I may be angry, but I feel more stable today

[NWgirl2013]

Nervous. Going for another MRI of my head today. Wishing the pain would just spontaneously cease forever.

Wishing someone, anyone, could understand what it is like to have your head throbbing 24/7. (FYI -it makes you feel like you are going mad)

[Freewilled]

I'm feeling a deep longing for connection - at least I think that's what it is. Could it really be from something as simple as being separated from my mother when I was a baby? I mean, I've never even told my T about it cause it seems so benign. And if it did impact me, SO UNFAIR! I just want this ache to go away. I want my T to love me to health, but he can't I want to be able to buy clothes without panicking and just leaving the store buying nothing after trying so hard. I want to be able to wear feminine things without feeling like a freak and like I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to be able to take care of my most basic needs without feeling guilty.The answer seems like it should be, "well just do it then." But it doesn't really work. I make so much effort but the ache hurts so bad. The emptiness is bottomless. The panic sets in..... It sucks.