Why did this freak me out?

Yesterday, my T and I were talking about how I'm missing loads of memories. He said the fact I regularly freak out, have problems trusting him, lose the image of him as good-enough therapist, worry that my husband will get sick of supporting me, etc, shows I don't feel safe enough yet and that's why I can't remember.

He also said the fact I keep freaking out and thinking he's going to hurt me or abandon me tells him that my childhood wasn't safe.

Then he told me I'm doing really great at therapy. And I didn't like it. I felt wary. Unsettled. Suspicious. I'm sure there's some important information in there, I just can't quite get at it. It scared me. Why did it scare me that he said that?

I think because therapy isn't something we do 'great' at. It's sounds rather patronising, infantizing even.

Interesting question, and I guess you're asking it because you have some vague perhaps only distantly conscious sense of its meaning that's telling you this is important. (And thanks for sharing this too .)

I couldn't even begin to think what to say (but I'm going to anyway ) except that to me your response to his comment is following a pretty logical way of thinking/experiencing - if your childhood wasn't safe and you continue to feel unsafe currently both in real world and in therapy, then his saying something that on the face of it sounds like he's contradicting himself (you still feel unsafe - ergo you mustn't be doing 'great' at therapy, this being how I'd read it anyway - and then to be told I'm doing great would pretty much confound my expectations and understanding, so yeah I can see why you'd be feeling wary unsettled and suspicious.)

But that's me projecting. What do you think was going on?

I don't think that's it, though. He said this once before - we were coming up to a two-week break for Easter and I said: "I just want someone to tell me I'm doing okay." My T proceeded to say something like: "How are you doing at life? Amazing. How are you doing at processing therapy? Amazing." That made me happy. That was fine.

We are coming up to a break again, a week this time. I just emailed him about some really bad, difficult stuff. He was being kind to me. I didn't feel patronised - though I could have, so thanks for suggesting it. I felt... threatened, I think, and I don't know why.

That makes sense. But I don't think that was it either - it's like I felt threatened somehow, like I maybe have some kind of negative association with being complimented, but I don't know, I can't quite explain it.

It felt like an accusation.

That doesn't make any sense.

TinyRabbit....

I'm sort of in the same situation with the memories and feeling safe... to me its like he was saying that the memories will come back when you feel safe. That you're still reacting to some of the things that happened in your childhood because that wasnt a safe time...

You are doing great therapy... because you are being you in therapy... you aren't hiding your reactions...you are telling him how you feel and your keep showing up...those are really great things to do when you aren't always feeling safe (even though you are safe in a totally now logical way) with your T.

Maybe you didn't like it because you worry if you are too good...then he will stop seeing you or tell you you are finished? totally guessing here

I used to worry about this A LOT. Any time my T said anything positive I would freak out. I was afraid to tell him things were going well. He has repeatedly told me I can come for therapy for as long as I want, so long as he's alive, and has promised not to terminate me just because I'm improving. He has categorically told me that even after we get past x, y and z, he's not going to make me stop coming. (He means: until I'm ready, but he knows even adding that on the end will freak me out.)

Previously, I've freaked out at the idea of telling him things are going well, but not vice versa.

I think maybe I took: "You're doing great at therapy," to mean: "You're a massive attention seeker, you're betraying your family and you shouldn't be talking about this." That "you're doing great at therapy" means "you're acting like you need therapy and you should be ashamed". I think some part of me took it like that because that part of me sees things that way. Huh.

I know that I do not take complements very well. Anytime anyone tells me that I am good at something, or doing well at something, I feel like "yeah, you wouldn't say that if you really knew". It sounds as if your T feels that even though you still have lots to work on, you are making progress, and that, in your T's mind, was great. Keep hanging in there and doing the hard work. It will pay off in the end.

It has just dawned on me that being great at therapy means I am breaking the rules.

I'm not supposed to complain, or have problems, or make a fuss, or bad-mouth my family, and I've been doing all of that, and that frightens me.

And then my T isn't reacting in the way he "should", so I'm just confused, as none of it makes sense, according to how I believe the world is.

Which is not how it is, that's the thing.

"I think maybe I took: "You're doing great at therapy," to mean: "You're a massive attention seeker, you're betraying your family and you shouldn't be talking about this." That "you're doing great at therapy" means "you're acting like you need therapy and you should be ashamed". I think some part of me took it like that because that part of me sees things that way. Huh."

I could have written this. I often have a complete mind blank as to why i am in therapy. I think to myself "WTF are you playing at, your childhood was normal, it's just you who isn't, your family has done nothing wrong, stop over-dramatising and get on with life like everyone else. You're making a big deal out of nothing, you're making things sound worse than they were, you are remembering wrong etc etc etc "
I know my family would be appalled at how i've reacted to my childhood, about what i've told my therapists.

I think you're on the right track with your thoughts. He is contradicting the way you're used to, and it doesn't "feel right". I've had a similar thing with my T with the fact that he's always there. I come in for an appt, and there he is. It's nice, but it puzzles me. I'm just starting to realize that it's not supposed to be that way. No one was ever there for me, and that's what I expect. And the fact that he IS ... well, it's just strange and I'm very suspicious of it. Weird.

Another thought is that often when someone compliments me, I feel pressured. Or like I'm fooling them. I haven't figured this out yet, but when I read your post I know if someone said I was doing great at therapy I would feel pressure. IDK.....

I go insane at breaks. Even if I know they're coming, even if I plan for them, whatever. My subconscious mind takes over the wheel at some part. Or starts texting while I'm driving or whatever (metaphorically speaking!). I think you're doing pretty good to just be able to bring it here. But that's coming from someone who just picks fights when it's "her time"!

Yep, me too. I have to remind myself that this is their version of things - their self-serving, distorted version - and I get to have a story, too. As do you.

Me too. It feels fake. I feel like I'm just waiting until he gets sick and tired of me and stops faking it. And I know that's all me, but I still feel it...

I have this too. On this occasion I don't think it's the issue, but I just wanted to say I can relate to what you've written here.

Thanks everyone! As ever, it took bouncing it around on here to help me figure it out, so thank you

This is TR being great at therapy again.

Not to sound like I'm overdoing it, but this was an awesome example of someone paying attention to her feelings in therapy, noting how her emotional reactions were at odds with what would be "expected" under ordinary circumstances, and grabbing that tiger by the tail and following it until she felt she understood it. So impressive.

TR, I bet your T is very proud of the work you do. I don't know you, don't know the details of your life, but what I've seen from you online in the handful of months I've been here has been really inspiring. Rock on.

Thanks FTB - I'm feeling pretty low at the moment so I really appreciate the kind words.

I'm so relieved that someone else is in this uncomfortable place with me, TinyRabbit. I've recently realized (T knew it all along, I guess) that I am still scared to trust him, literally scared OF him, that he is going to do something to me. Even when he's incredibly compassionate and accepting, there is a piece of me thinking, "What are you up to? I am not going to get tricked by you, T!"

He says he's okay with it. I feel terrible about it.

I can't do compliments either. It's a mix of automatically thinking they're lying, then thinking I must be faking things (which makes me upset as I want to genuine), then wondering what their ulterior motive it\s, then wondering about how I will certainly disappoint them......

And then I don't feel safe around that person for a while, because I'm not sure what the expectations for me are at that point.

You don't need to feel terrible. This is outside your control.

My T says the fact I feel like this is how he knows my childhood wasn't safe.

So I told my T that I felt freaked out and suspicious, and the reasons why. Then (I can't remember if it was straight away or later in the session) he told me he'd been about to say it again, but had stopped himself.

And now I feel so upset, so cheated, so bereft. I keep thinking about how I could have heard my T saying I'm doing great, but I messed up and robbed myself of that. I keep thinking about how much better I would feel if he had said it.

All grist for the therapy mill, no doubt.

Think of it this way:

1. Your T did basically tell you that you're doing great again.
2. Adding to that, your T also was respectful of your scared response and was being considerate enough to not share at a time when you would be more likely to respond with panic. He said it in a more secondary fashion which was safer!

I know, or at least part of me knows - that's the ridiculous thing. I understand that he may as well have said it. I understand that he was respectful and considerate.

But I just keep thinking about how I missed out on actually hearing him say it. I hate my stupid brain. It feels like one more thing I've been robbed of.

Don't hate your brain tinyrabbit! I think most of us would be feeling the same way you do - I sure would.

It's like I just WANT the compliment... but if I get one? I flip out and think of all the ways that it isn't true. It's the hard-wiring we've had.

It's totally ok to want to hear a compliment - everyone likes compliments.

Or, to put it another way: whether he says something or doesn't say it, my brain still convinces me I've missed out or been mistreated.

I had a similar reaction a while ago to being told I was courageous. I think T was trying to acknowledge how difficult this process was for me. But I really hated her saying it. For me it felt a bit dismissive because she always said it just as we were wrapping up. To me it was like, "yeah, yeah you say you feel horrible and this is scary but you're brave! Whoops! Times's up! You'll be okay because you're brave, so be a good girl and get on your way."

Eventually I told her how it made me feel and she hasn't said it since. The other day she said I was very capable and worked really hard in therapy. I was able to take that as a compliment and feel good about that. Maybe because I like to see myself as a hard worker.

There is something unsettling about being complimented on something you don't feel so good about.

I do not believe that the psychological issues you mention (issues with trust, not being able to hold on to him as being good-enough, fearing the attachment, etc.) are 'symptoms' of memories still being buried. Nor do abandonment fears necessarily mean that one has had an unsafe childhood. These are very very common issues in therapy and personally, I think it's best to keep an open mind as to the likely many and complex origins of such things. If these attachment issues had this 1:1 correlation with buried trauma, then that means that there are scores and scores of people out there with trauma they don't remember, and I just don't think this is the case. If it were only that simple.

As far as this comment making you feel wary, that's hard to say. Like Mouse, I really don't think some people are good at therapy and others aren't (which is the implication): everyone does the best they can and everyone is different.

A lot of people would feel good on hearing this, maybe you're fighting that it does make you feel good and that's where the ambivalence is? Or you feel you're too damaged to be good at therapy? You'll probably be able to figure it out in talking to him about it.

I feel you've misunderstood me somewhat. At no point did I say those psychological issues were symptoms of buried memories. I said they were a barrier to buried memories becoming unburied. I'm frustrated by the big gaps in my memory, and my T has offered an explanation for why I can't "just remember", which is that I don't currently feel safe enough to do so. My T has observed these issues in context, which is way in my case they have led him to draw certain conclusions.

I never said attachment issues had a 1:1 correlation with buried trauma. I said attachment issues correlated to negative experiences of attachment in the past. For many people, this does lead back to childhood, whether they realise it or not. It might be something emotional. Many people have emotionally-unsafe childhoods and have attachment issues as a result.

I wasn't presenting all of this as cause and effect. I do feel you're quite resistant to the idea that childhood trauma is common - most people have wounds of some kind or another, and I think many attachment issues do begin in childhood. But I didn't say scores of people have trauma they don't remember. I didn't say attachment issues are a sign of buried trauma. I don't know how you drew that cause and effect from my post, as it's not what I said!

I don't feel I'm too damaged to be good at therapy. I'm afraid of the idea of being good at therapy for reasons detailed above.