[JayneJohnson49]

I need help processing a situation with T, who I’ve seen weekly for three months. During sessions she has a habit of clicking a button on her cell. She doesn’t check VM or anything just keeps it on her side table and three or four times a session will pick it up and hit a button. It happened our very first session and all but one since then. At first I thought she was checking the time but it starts pretty early in session, she has three visible clocks and wears a watch so then I rationalized it was an unconscious action, she doesn’t realize she’s doing it. I found it very distracting and disruptive so I addressed directly with her in session five or six. She was quite approachable and seemed to understand my thoughts and thanked me for bringing it up. She confirmed it is unconscious and a habit she needs to break. She said my addressing it showed respect for myself and what I want from our dynamic. I stood up for myself by saying what you’re doing isn’t working for me. Okay, great, but she hasn’t changed her actions, she still picks up the phone multiple times a session! So where do I go from here? I’m not sure what to do as I internalize her not changing as dismissive and we talked about that in a session. I clearly stated the issue and what I wanted done about it. She acknowledged her part. Do I bring it up again with her? If I bring it up again do I be more clear that if she continues doing it I’m finding a new T? Do I accept it for what it is and go with the flow? Do I ignore it? How would anyone else handle this?

[Leah123]

I imagine it's a matter of how serious it is to you, how distracting, and whether you're willing to believe your therapist or not.

You won't find a perfect one out there, they all have issues/flaws/quirks, so.... is this quirk worth trading for another? It's extremely likely you can find a competent therapist who does not have this particular (nervous-sounding) habit, basically, a therapist who does not fidget, but you'd have to start over and hope they didn't have a worse trait.

I can't really advise you, except to weigh how significant this is to you given all the other factors. I can see how it'd be irritating, and how it'd seem a bit strange your T would not stop if she realized how bothersome it was to you.

Can you ask her to leave her phone somewhere out of arm's reach?

[Nerak67]

I am someone who fidgets. I don't even know I am doing it. I don't think she is trying to disrespect your wishes but just doesn't so automatically that she isn't aware of it. I would just mention it every time she does it so it comes to her attention and she become more aware.

I'd bring it up. Sitting with a T with OCD is going to impact your therapy.

[JayneJohnson49]

Yeah, I figure all T's have quirks and I definitely know they aren't perfect! I just find bizarre that I brought up with her in a very direct way, including how I felt and reacted when she does it, and yet she continues. When we discussed the dismissive feeling she said this is a good learning opportunity to understand and accept not all my wants in relationships will be met. I need to determine whether I can accept the person and their denying of my request and my reaction/feelings together and continue with the relationship. In this case the dismissive feeling is strong and she hasn't given a proper reason for me to accept her lack of meeting my request other than it is a habit she needs to break. I mean, if she was expecting an important call or had an emergent situation I'd accept the non-behaviour change but just because she doesn't want to isn't enough.

[HealingTimes]

I would find that incredibly distracting too, Jayne.
The next time that she does it, i would pick up on it and I would ask her to keep her phone in a place where she cant reach it.

[JayneJohnson49]

So tomorrow when I see her do it what should I say? Do I make a joke about need to padlock it away or no joke and just say when this happens I feel dismissed? The second statement I've already made so seems I need a different approach. And yes, the first time I addressed it I asked why she couldn't leave it in her purse or desk. She said she likes having it accessible and keeping an eye on appointment times. That I do not believe but I accepted it because I thought she was agreeing to change her behaviour.

I'd just ask her to place it out of arm's reach before the session starts. I tend to be kind of direct that way. (I think it is a teacher thing . I'm used to dealing with people with habits they don't even think about.)

[HealingTimes]

I would say something like "I know we have talked about this before, and you dont mean to distract me,but i find it very distracting when you do that. I'd really like to try and focus in therapy and that isn't helping me. Could we try leaving your phone on the table/chair (whatever is available in the room) please?" and see what she says.

[stopdog]

If it is not a habit the therapist has an interest in changing, then I think it is something that a client can accept, challenge every time, or decide to find a new therapist.
There are some habits I would be willing to change for a student and some I would not.

You could try looking at your phone when she clicks hers, or stop talking until she quits and tell her you will continue when her attention is back on you and that might get her attention

[anilam]

She said she wanted to break this habit, so why no put her cell somewhere she can't (unconsciously) reach it?

Why is she now saying you have to deal with it?

[JayneJohnson49]

HealingTimes, that's perfect! Reinforces we previously discussed it and I'm distracted when it happens thus my focus is taken of the therapy.

[tinyrabbit]

I would ask what kind of example she thinks she is setting by not bothering to put the phone out of reach after becoming aware of the issue, and what kind of respect that showed for her client and herself. If I was cross enough, that is.

[purplemystery]

I agree with everyone else, and would just like to add that I think it's very unprofessional for a T to have a phone visible at all in a session. I would bring it up once more and if it doesn't change, I would seriously consider seeing someone else.

[tinyrabbit]

My T has a phone visible, but it's on the table and he doesn't touch it or look at it unless it's to schedule me an extra session on his calendar. It's on silent so I never hear it ring.

[ar2004]

My T has her office phone on silent during sessions and I don't see her cell phone anywhere in sight. It seems like common courtesy for that profession. One time her fax machine kept printing stuff and she excused herself to turn around and removed the paper from the feeder so it would stop printing and making noise. I think I would have issues if my T kept checking her cell phone like you describe. It seems rude to me that she even has it out, especially after you were honest about how it makes you feel when she keeps checking it or pressing buttons on it during your time.

[JayneJohnson49]

Thank you for all the replies! I wouldn’t mind if T left her cell out as long as she didn’t touch it like she does now. She has a desk phone that I assume is on silent as it has never rung during a session. Actually, her cell never rings either so I assume it is on silent. My issue is she randomly fidgets with it which I find distracting. I’d be in the middle of talking and she’d pick it up so I’d lose my thought or get flustered and wait for her to set it down to continue talking. My issue expanded as even after bringing it up, and her acknowledging it, she chose to continue doing it. That is when I felt dismissed.

Today I went with phrasing similar to HealingTimes suggestion and T responded she was sorry I couldn’t get past it and reframe my thinking to accepting her for who she is even if it bothers me. She said I needed to work on accepting that even if I want and ask for someone to do something it might not happen and my responsibility are my thoughts and reactions and not whether I can get them to do what I want. This is an area I’m working on IRL. I have difficulty understanding why when I say/ask for something I get dismissed or ignored so easily. So we’ve been working on how that dismissal/ignoral isn’t specifically about me rather it is about the person. I countered that she isn’t my friend or family, she’s my paid therapist who I would expect when I say doing X is causing an issue to make changes. I don’t think my request is unreasonable or pushing a boundary. She replied being paid doesn’t equate to doing everything I ask of her. I’m still not sure how I feel about that because if I was at work and my manager asked me to do something work appropriate and reasonable I would do it. Reasonable and appropriate being key words. My job depends on doing those things. I could not say “why can’t you accept I don’t want to” and still keep my job. I pushed on why she needed the phone next to her and her response was she had a grandiosity personality. I interpreted that as her saying my fidgeting is more important than your distress. She did not move the phone but did say she would try not to touch it.

I kept my next appointment and will give thought over the weekend on whether to continue seeing her. Other than this issue we’ve gotten along okay but I’m having trouble getting over her taking an all about me attitude. I’m also having difficulty with my own thoughts/reactions on this as I should be able to just say “okay, this is how T is” and move forward with our therapy. Instead I’m internalizing and turning the situation back on myself with why can’t I be better, why can’t I change my thinking, why can’t I be flexible, why won’t T change.

[unaluna]

I think there is more value in looking at why you feel dismissed. Not that your t is there to purposely aggravate you, but it is likely that you would feel this way in the future. The point of therapy is not to win these battles with your t, but to find out why you feel the need to fight them? I used to get mad at a coworker inviting me for a break walk to the cafeteria to get a drink. That was totally nuts of me. I felt dismissed every time she asked me after I said no the first time. It's like, why did she keep trying to force her will over mine? That's mother transference. I think she was just trying to get me to act like a human being in the office. But I saw it the wrong way, totally. Maybe she had her wrong side too. But with your t, you get to figure out your wrong side in this dispute without it affecting your career, as my dispute affected mine.

[unlockingsanity]

I'm so surprised she is being a hard *** about it. You're kindly asking her, repeatedly, that she focus on the appointment that you're paying for, and she turns it around as though it's a lesson for you to learn?

It is NOT an excessive burden to expect someone who you are paying, to have their full attention on you.

If it were me, I think I'd be thankful that this happened early in the relationship, because breaking off a long term relationship with a T is really difficult. If it were me, I think I'd bring it up again and say, "I don't think it's unrealistic for me to ask or expect your focus to be fully on me and our session. If this isn't something you feel you can accommodate, I feel like I will have to look for another therapist who can."

This is just silly, in my opinion. Maybe it's because I have a therapist who is so focussed on me and on top of everything in a session. I don't know.

I do know that you deserve better and shouldn't be made to feel like you're in the wrong about this. From what you've said, you've completely approached this in the best way possible.

[sunrise]

I consider her behavior unprofessional and rude. It reminds me of my daughters (both young adults) who go out to dinner and have their cell phones out and are constantly checking them, texting on them, etc., right in the middle of eating dinner and conversation with tablemates. They don't see anything rude about this, which makes me think it is a generational thing, so I wonder if your T is quite young and doesn't have traditional manners? I think during therapy, the client should be the focus of the T's attention, not electronic gadgets. It would be very easy for your T to put her phone away so she isn't tempted to touch it. It sounds like she is addicted to her phone and it is getting in the way of her performance and professionalism. And now that you have brought it up, she has made no effort to change her behavior and is trying to make it about you--your request was not out of line or nitpicky. It sounds like it has become a power struggle for her now, no way will she change her behavior for you to let you "win."

I have had my T have his electronic gadgets near him in session and we have talked about it. He had either his phone or laptop set to "ping" whenever he received a new email. How distracting! Why does he need to know whenever someone emails him? I asked him to turn off the sound so we wouldn't be distracted, and believe it or not, he did not know how to turn off the sound! After I showed him, he has kept the sound off since then. There was also a period when he kept his laptop near him on the couch and would pick it up every so often and open it and do something! Was he checking his email or what? I asked him to put the laptop over on his desk so he wouldn't be distracted by it. He said none of his other clients had a problem with it. Too bad. I really think he did this stuff because he is addicted to gadgetry, like my daughters and their cell phones at the dinner table. I don't see anything wrong with asking a T to be professional and focused on the work.

This would aggravate me. Etiquette going out the window in modern life is one thing, but this is therapy. Her focus should be on you, the client, and there's no way she should be fiddling with her phone, in my opinion. If it was an unconscious thing, well.. but there seems to be an easy fix in putting it out of reach. The thing is that you've told her it bothers you, which she should take seriously, but she seems unwilling to be in the 'wrong' about it. If she's not going to look at her own behaviour in this instance (something that seems pretty clear cut), it would raise a red flag for me - how will she handle any potential ruptures and more complex issues further down the line? It's not good to be in a position where you're always questioning/blaming yourself because your therapist doesn't like to take any responsibility and instead is all too happy to turn things around on you.

I'd be tempted to ask her how appropriate her supervisor (if she has one) thinks it is, and urge her to get outside opinions. I wouldn't be having it that this was my issue!

[feralkittymom]

I suspect this T can't change her behavior and has devised an elaborate ruse to cover up that fact. The fact that she is so willing to turn this around so easily as if it is your problem is a huge red flag for me. Feeling dismissed may be an issue in your RL that you need to work on, but I think there's something very dishonest about this T turning her own lack of self-control into a "therapy lesson for your benefit."

I'd get out while it's relatively easy.

Run! Run! Run!

This is odd behavior about an easily fixable issue. Sounds like it may be a bit of an OCD thing for her (I don't like to label with little knowledge, but her refusal to simply put this aside as if she actually can't put it aside is so odd.)