[Patagonia]

I have major issues again w/ dissociating. I also have major trust issues which my T understands.
Apparently, in some type of fog-state Wednesday nite (2am) I got up & wrote my T an email. I swear I didn't write it & I wasn't happy about what was written. Friday afternoon she emails me a "thank you" email for sharing my feelings. This was the first time I saw this & quickly emailed her back that I didn't write it. Then my brain kicked into overdrive. Maybe this was a nasty joke or prank that was being played? Am I hearing voices outside my head now? Why wouldn't I remember writing this email? All these questions & I started to get really scared so I emailed a couple of hrs later Friday late afternoon asking her to call me & explain this email situation to me. I told her I was extremely upset!
Got an email back that said she's at a family commitment & will attempt to contact me Saturday. Today.
So I waited ALL day! Nothing. What does it lead to? SI! Because I feel like I'm not worth a lousy phone call. Really in 24 hrs she couldn't pick up the phone & check on me? What does extreme mean to her?
I was just starting to trust her a tiny bit. This wk I even thought of opening up a little but I take that all back. I feel very vulnerable & worthless. I know she could've had a crisis but I also work w/ another T. Why didn't she ask her to call me? I just wanted a phone call. That's it. I wanted to know someone cared. Now I have the walls way up & the eff you attitude.
Why do I bother when I get hurt every time!

[Petra5ed]

You should talk to your T about these feelings because they don't seem to fit the situation. Maybe your T's kids and/or potential spouse or any number of their significant others requires their time, and I'm sure other patients email and call as well. I've been there so I hear you, just saying you might want to re-evaluate the intensity of your reaction. I forget to call people back and ignore calls all the time, doesn't mean I don't care about them. I'm entitled to my own time and space.

[Nightlight]

I've also felt quite awful when I've been forgotten by my therapist, or when she hasn't had time to get back to me. She has even told me that most days she doesn't even have 2 minutes to spare to get back to me. That used to make me feel quite worthless. She means so much to me and she can't spare literally a minute or two for a quick text reply.

Once my therapist spoke to me about how she contacted her supervisor about something during the weekend, and her supervisor was a bit annoyed. My therapist, however, doesn't think like that. She has replied to me on the weekend. And if I stop to think about it, there is a lot of evidence that suggests that she does care about me and is willing to help as much as she can.

I'm seeing a second CBT-T at the moment. She was talking to me about making friends, giving examples of how thoughtful people like me are. She told me about a client who recognised how stressed she was and the client wrote a letter the client herself needed for university from CBT-T. All CBT-T had to do was basically check the details and sign the letter. Suddenly something clicked into place for me.

My own therapist is often ridiculously busy. She seems to be one of those people who fills her life with a lot. Sadly, I'm not a family member of hers, and I'm not a friend. Yet she is willing to do so much for me. If she can, she will go above and beyond. She will respond to me during the weekend. She can never be there for me all of the time or even nearly as much as I want (or need). That even seems to affect her in some way as well. She can sense my high expectations and she knows she can never fully meet them. That is something that does matter to her as well. She helps me as much as she can in the time that she can spare, but she has to trust me to be able to look after myself and know what to do when she can't be there for me.

It sounds like you've got a therapist who really does think that you are worth it. Your therapist was tied up with family commitments, and it was almost the weekend, yet she still wanted to get in touch with you during the weekend itself if she could. Your therapist certainly seems to care.

[Patagonia]

I understand my T has other obligations & commitments, but I'm running on the tone of our last session. She knew I was extremely angry over a situation...over a miscommunication. I'd also told her that I'm breaking our safety contract. That I didn't like having one.
So she knew from our last session I was dealing w/ anger, rage, abandonment & voiding my safety contract. I guess that's why I thought I needed a phone call.

Why don't my feelings fit the situation?
Am I over reacting? When I'm hurt I always hear people tell me I have no right to feel that way. I'm reading into things...I'm not considerate. Why can't I be angry? She knows my background of being abandoned. This just makes it harder & harder to reach out.

You said that she stated that she was at a family commitment and would "attempt" to contact you on Saturday ... Attempt doesn't mean can or will (be able to).

You do understand that sometimes there are situations in which they simply cannot be there for us?

That is when we have to find other ways to get ourselves through it in some other manner.

Call a hotline.
Call a friend.
Go to some kind of group meeting.
Come here (PC).
Something (anything) other than self-destruct ... Even if you just sleep through it.

One person simply cannot be the only go to we've got ... That's why it's important to set us up a support network so we'll have plans b & c to fall on when plan a is not able to be there for us.

It's all part of the healing and recovery process and something we all must eventually learn how to do for ourselves.

Not much of a consolation when we're in the throes of meltdowns, triggers, flashbacks & whatnot, but a truth nonetheless.

Hope you've found a way to deal constructively with this until you see her again.

[anilam]

Yeah, it's a lesson we have to learn- Ts put them or their families/needs/friends... first. In the long run this is good, it enables to work as Ts (prevents burnout). However, sometimes it sucks.
Personally, I think once she said she would (try to) call she should have. Leaves the client hanging. She should have told you no, I won't call you, I don't have the time. So yeah, I'd feel hurt/angry too.
But please, try to find some other ways to deal with it than SI.

[feralkittymom]

There's also the possibility that she's seeing this as acting out behavior. If you were angry, and you told her you were breaking your safety contract, she may feel that she doesn't want to be held hostage by or reinforce that behavior. I don't know if this is true because I don't know how she works, and saying that she would try to call you seems like a mixed message if this were the case, but it is a possibility if she has reason to believe that you are manipulating her with implied threats of violence to yourself.

And you breaking the contract with her ... Kinda shooting yourself in your own foot don't you think?

I mean, I've been exactly where you are and sometimes we are truly our own worst enemies and stand in the way of our own recovery!

She may have seen this as an attempt to manipulate her and is pretty much letting you know that she isn't going to play that game with you.

As much as we'd like to believe it's all about us, it isn't ... Even in therapy ... Therapists are people too and have other commitments - personal & professional - that simply makes it impossible for them to be there for us 24/7 ... It's unreasonable of us to expect that of them too.

That's why there are 24/7 hotlines, emergency rooms, 12 step meetings, group therapy, PsychCentral, etc. ... We have to take the initiative to utilize other resources when our therapists can't be there for us at any given time. Make yourself a back-up plan & have it readily available to you.

Don't beat yourself up over this though ... It takes time to come to these realizations, but once we do, it makes the process a little smoother and less intense for us.

We have to become the masters of our own fate and not expect others to be the ones to do it all for us otherwise we never become independent and self sufficient.

Nor would we ever make any progress on this journey of healing & recovery.

[nessaea]

I'm really sorry you are struggling so much right now, and that you are so angry and upset that you felt you had to SI. That must have been really distressing. And I can imagine that it must have been pretty hurtful if you were really hoping for a call from your T, and that didn't happen. I'm really sorry that you are feeling alone and abandoned.

I'm going to echo some of the things said here - As much as we may want/need our therapists at certain times, there will be moments when they just can't be there for us when we need them. One of the important things about being a T is being there to support your clients. But an equally important thing for them is learning how to set boundaries, and how to take care of themselves. It's really easy to forget that they are people with lives and families and issues to deal with all of their own. So, if they can't always be there for us, we have to learn to be ok with that.

Think of it as maintenance, like a car would need. (I know this is an imperfect analogy, but just go with me, ok?) You have a car that you can rely on to get you where you need to go when you need to go there. But sometimes, the car needs maintenance, so you have to take it into the shop. Now, that sucks, because you can't use your car when it's in the shop, so you need to find other ways to get around, or rent a car, or whatever...but it's better in the long run because then your car will be able to function longer and better. Therapists, or anyone in a service profession, can be thought of similarly. If they just go go go and are always there for their clients, they will "break down." They need time for themselves and their lives to maintain their own mental health. During those times, we need to find other ways to cope with stresses that might come up, like finding ways to calm down, coping techniques, or other people to fill in, like hotlines or friends.

I really hope you feel better soon, I really hope you are able to talk to your T, and if you feel that low again, please reach out. You are worth it

[A Red Panda]

It's totally ok to be feeling upset that your T wasn't able to contact you in the manner you wished.

But SIing due to that anger isn't very fair to your T. By doing that, you're demonstrating to your T that you are holding your T to a standard that they cannot meet - their own life has to come first. It isn't fair to either of you to punish yourself because you didn't get the attention that you wanted at that moment.

Like... feeling the anger and upset and betrayal is absolutely acceptable - we can't really control how we feel. But we can control our actions and that is ultimately what we need to be responsible for. You could have written your T another email to let her know how hurt and upset you are feeling while she is attending to her family life, because that is acting in a way that will lead to a resolution and help.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I understand my T has other obligations & commitments, but I'm running on the tone of our last session. She knew I was extremely angry over a situation...over a miscommunication. I'd also told her that I'm breaking our safety contract. That I didn't like having one.
So she knew from our last session I was dealing w/ anger, rage, abandonment & voiding my safety contract. I guess that's why I thought I needed a phone call.

Why don't my feelings fit the situation?
Am I over reacting? When I'm hurt I always hear people tell me I have no right to feel that way. I'm reading into things...I'm not considerate. Why can't I be angry? She knows my background of being abandoned. This just makes it harder & harder to reach out.

Well, I guess that it's not that your feelings don't fit the situation, obviously they do. (And I'm sorry if my post seemed mean, because re-reading it seems a bit mean and I didn't intend it that way.) In my totally unprofessional (I'm not a therapist) lay persons opinion, going from not getting a phone call, to thinking you're not worth a phone call, to SI sounds more like major depression symptoms. If you go through life feeling like this then you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment. Don't get me wrong either, I've been there. Maybe I am still there right now even.

Here is my guess, and I could be totally wrong but this fits how I have felt. If you step back a moment maybe you'll see your issue is this void in your soul that makes you need and desperately crave being loved. I feel this in my soul, like I am drifting in a massive ocean totally alone. I am unwanted, I do not fit in, I am not a part of this race, I was never meant to be born. I am not family to anyone around me, and no one has ever loved me without conditions. My parents were supposed to, but that doesn't always work out. So my focus was on myself during my development. Me trying frantically to please my parents, to impress teachers and friends. Then me too shy to interact, withdrawn and depressed. Afraid that everyone hates me and will make fun of me, resigned to the idea I am unlovable. And now here's me today. I am an adult in therapy with few friends. What preoccupies my time? My obsession with how the therapist (that I've known for 9 months) really feels about me, and my obsession with how it will end with them ditching me as everyone else has done.

The problem is, I don't think a person can love me enough or call me enough to fix the void in my soul, because that void is my hatred of myself. The void is me refusing the help of people that do care, by running away in fear or creating a situation where they have to leave me. The issue is my lack of self esteem and me needing to form many connections, more than just one with a therapist. It is very scary, but this is the work I think that needs to be done for me to heal.

I also recommend meds if you have SI. That was my issue as well and they diagnosed me with MD. It's not good to stay in a state of SI and major depression for too long, on several levels just medically speaking. Not sure if you've done this already but I recommend antidepressants. I use them. Nine months ago I spent a portion of every day envisioning myself hanging from my cubicle with my SUI note pinned to my chest. This was due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. And, I'm no idiot either, there's absolutely no shame in antidepressants.

[Perna]

I try to remember the adage: Your therapy should be the most important thing in your life but it is not the most important in your therapist's life. Trying to get another person to behave how I want them to has never worked for me.

[ThisWayOut]

(Hugs) sorry you are having a tough time. It is always very difficult not getting back from someone when you were counting on it.
I think an important thing to remember is that she may just be setting boundaries. You have had some really extreme emotional reactions to therapy and your therapist lately. I think maybe thinking about a more intensive option at this point would be good. Maybe I'm protecting my own current needed for containment, but I'm seeing that in your posts as well. Look into a trauma program or dbt program or even just an intensive day program. I think it would be helpful. It's not the most fun option, but I see you spiraling out, and that worries me. Please take care of yourself.

[healingme4me]

There's a message on my therapists phone, says if you are experiencing a life threatening situation please hang up, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Facts of your situation, at 2am from your email address, an email was sent to your therapist. Of which, your therapist emailed a thank you. Then, you emailed and therapist wrote, she would attempt to contact you yesterday, which you sat by the phone(in theory) all day, and she didn't call.

This, is a holiday weekend, and most people I know are out of town, hosting out of town company or spending a great deal of time with family.

Of course, it is important, for others, to make attempts to do what they say that they will. At the same time, humans are humans, and life gets in the way, especially, this time of the year. Perhaps, this isn't a reflection on the importance you are to your therapist, as a client? Just a reflection, on this being a big travel/family weekend.

You wanted to discuss, an email that was sent to your therapist, from your email account, that you don't remember sending.

SI sounds like it could be life threatening. It doesn't sound like, even my own therapist handles life threatening emergencies, when he doesn't directly answer his phone.

[Patagonia]

Thank you all for responding. You gave me so much to think about. It helped pull me out of my tunnel vision I get. Sometimes I feel like I'm acting like a brat & another part of me says I have every right to. It gets confusing.
My T did phone me tonite Sunday, to talk & she told me how she was delayed. I told her how sorry I was to call on a weekend knowing that she needs her own time w/ her family & herself. That part feels very guilty.
We did talk about this Phantom email I apparently sent & how that part is working on its own. It just really freaks me out wondering what else I'm doing that I don't really remember. It frightens me & she said there's probably other parts that will interact this way, kind of under the radar. I don't like that idea @ all. I don't like knowing I'm not in total control of myself.
Thank you everyone for all your comments & I'm glad I posted here to get a different perspective which is what I was looking for

[Nerak67]

I'm glad you heard from her.

[Patagonia]

So last week I had T w/ both T's. We've been discussing having a safety contract & when I left nothing was definite. I don't want hard fast rules but it was discussed that maybe I could call is a majority of my triggers were lining up...before they all do.

Today a lot of the triggers were lining up quickly. It took a great deal of courage but I broke down & left my T a message that triggers were lining up...I know we don't have a safety contract in place but I feel like I'm holding up my end by calling & informing you...even w/o the piece of paper."

That was @ 9am this morning & now it's after 5. Did I miss something...again?

[Nightlight]

Sorry you didn't get a call back when you really felt like you needed help.

The thing that I think is most important to remember is that a therapist can't always be available to their clients. We also don't know what is going on in their lives. When my therapist has not gotten back to me it has been for a number of reasons. She's been very sick, in a car accident (then forgot), hadn't got the message, she's been away at a course, and she was very short with me once when she'd lost a family member (though I didn't know at the time).

As much as they might like to be avaulable for each client when they are most needed, they can't be. If you really need help and you've reached out to your therapist and she couldn't come through for you, you need to try something else like calling a hotline or doing other things that will keep you safe until you can next talk to your therapist.

[Patagonia]

Then I don't know why they made such a big deal over this safety contract. "Pick up the phone & call me, reach out" they hammered away. What's the use in having it. I called my T again last nite & stated it was very important for her to call. All my triggers lined up for SU. Everything was available & I just sat there & stared @ it.

They want me to call. I did & reaching out was useless. I'm not calling a hotline, having someone sent to my house & being 302'ed. Been there done that.

[Nightlight]

That's pretty rough. Do you have long to wait for your next session? I know how hard it is to reach out when you really need help only to be left feeling completely unheard. It often used to leave me feeling like asking for help made a bad situation worse (because a lack of response tended to send me spiralling rapidly downhill). It sounds like you've managed pretty well and have done the right things by calling again. And keep posting here if it helps. I am sorry you've been struggling.

[anilam]

Maybe you do need to be somewhere safe though? If you feeling that SUI...

Personally, I think having a safety contract that includes calling a T is not that good- you need to have more and more reliable steps there. They can't be there for you 24/7. I think calling a T could be on your safety plan but it can't be the main thing and it can't be the only thing.
You called on Fri- that's not that great, whole weekend ahead of you... Can you keep yourself safe?

BTW, my T made me promise to call him too if I was about to do stg stupid (my term for SUI)- so maybe it's a weird Ts thing? Like for legal purpouses? IDK...

[Patagonia]

My T's know they are the only ones to call on my list. That there is no one else to call. I think that's why they at least wanted a contract.
I left 2 desperate messages on Friday & heard nothing yet. I'm on my last straw. If they knew I was this bad I'd be inpatient on SU watch.

I just try to wish the click to move faster to make another day go by. I'm staying closer to my kids knowing they ground me & I wouldn't do anything dumb in front of them.
I'm not sure how long I can do this.

I see my T's for an appt next Monday.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Nightlight]

Keep holding on, even if it only feels like it's just by a thread. Please keep doing whatever you need to do keep yourself safe (even if it means doing something that isn't yet on the safety contract). Focusing on your kids is a really positive thing to do. Do you have any one else that you can talk to in person about any of your struggles or just someone to talk to about anything for a bit of distraction?

When I'm really struggling, I find it helps me if I keep forcing myself to do the little things that I usually enjoy (like drinking a cup of coffee), talking to someone about what I'm going through (if not my T, then sometimes telling someone on this forum has really helped me), or doing something like practising mindfulness to help reduce a bit of the distress.

Keep focusing on the things that will work for you and keep you safe. And if you are really in danger, do what you need to do to keep yourself safe or let other people take over and be the ones to keep you safe until you're thinking clearly again.