Is your T "real" with you?

This has been bugging me since I saw my T last week.....

I told him that I was experiencing him differently over the last few weeks(been in therapy for about 10 months)...that I found him more relaxed and warm? He laughed and joked that he had had a holiday. Then became serious and told me that now he feels he can "be more real" with me, that he feels better able to be more honest with me especially around highlighting any 'patterns' he sees. He also said that he thinks that being "real" in therapy is vital to its success.

That all sounds understandable and I think I agree that a certain genuineness in the therapy relationship is important to its success right? My confusion and worry is this.....what was I doing that stopped him being genuine before now? What stopped him being that way from the beginning, or is it just me that ahs not allowed it?

And then I jump to....please don't become too warm and kind and genuine in the sessions because it feels too uncomfortable when you come close emotionally and/or I really can't handle then messing up again and there being a distance between us? What is wrong with me and my thinking here? (Just to give context, am in therapy for complex-PTSD)

Do you find your T's to be "real"?

I don't know if a T CAN be real. A degree of unreality seems to be inherent in the process.

Counter transference is real but Ts have to suppress it.

I'm not quite sure what counter transference is really, and how it may relate here? Forgive me for being a little thick in this regard, but I would be interested to know....

I was answering the general question. It may not be relevant to your situation.

I'm not sure that sense of being real has anything to do with your perspective/actions. I think that Ts have to--and should be-- very careful in the beginning. They need to observe and form a working sense of what your needs are and how best to help you before they can relax into the security of that knowledge. Once they do, then that security allows them to know better how to engage with you. The "real" self they are with you is different from the "real" self they are with another client. I don't mean to imply that these are fake selves because they're not (at least with a good T); just different slices of themselves. They're all genuine, but in different ways.

Countertransference may play a part, but not necessarily in a bad way. It can be a source of info about the client, and it can be appropriate to share, rather than hide or avoid. It just depends upon the client and situation.

But there is a feeling of this "realness" upping the ante in terms of a shift: the professional distance may have shrunk, and the intensity increased. That very slight flutter of panic can be a good sign that something is happening emotionally. It may feel scary, but it may also be opening the door to growth. The ice defense melting.

Warmth is not necessary to be genuine, and while my T displays little warmth, I can tell that she is being real in that what I see is what I get. I think you have confused realness with warmth.

Therapy is provided by professionals. And those professions have rules and regulations. Therefore, like other professionals, the therapists are never truly "real" with customers or clients or patients or whatever. They do what is required of them. In fact, based on some of their ethics, they might feel that anything else would be unethical, like if they decided to relax and shoot the breeze. Not when you're paying them.

The goal is to make the client feel better and back functioning again. Obviously if they come across as too fake and make the client uncomfortable, that's not productive for the work either. So they will try to come across as genuine, as much as possible. But they can't and won't be fully genuine.

She is real with herself. Being real isn't about the other. It's about oneself.

I hope not. I don't go see the woman for her to be real. I have real people. I pay the therapist to play her part.

I think there are some many different understandings of the word real as related to our T's and our relationships, and our therapy appointments. I think yes, in some sense, the T needs to get to know the client on different levels. For example, I have been in therapy for 2 years now, the first time T ever swore in one of my sessions was probably a couple of months ago, because- he, I am sure had noticed an upswing in my swearing in our sessions. Stuff like that, I am sure T's of to be careful of. Also, last appointment was the first time t had ever said, he cared for me. Now, had he said that even a year ago- that might have sent me running for the hills, but now it makes sense.

Another example- T and I were talking about when it was appropriate to be real, and when it is okay to put on a mask so to speak. He said, that it would be inappropriate for him, to come into a session and tell me that, he is struggling today because of anxiety, or having a sad day, or he was tired because he couldn't sleep last night.. That is something he should be sharing with his friends, or family.. Not, client and office staff. So, in that sense he would never honestly be "real" with me.

I also, think, we have to look at it as a normal relationship. If we are creating friendships, we don't share with them, our deepest, darkest, fears, dreams and emotions, upon our first visit with each other. I takes time for the relationship to grow where the two people feel comfortable with that stuff. So, it makes sense, that you are both feeling each other out in the beginning.

I've found my T to be very straight-forward with me; he has a genuine honesty with me that I appreciate. Is that the same thing as being "real"? I guess that depends on your definition of "real"? Look, I don't expect him to behave with me the same way he behaves at home. I don't know of anyone who does that except the people who live with me at home. But he does have a genuineness, honesty, and directness with me that is true to our relationship. I've seen him work with my husband and my sons also, and he's very much the same with all of us. We all pretty much see him, personality-wise, the same way. Could be because we are all related I suppose, or it could be that he is who he is, professionally, fairly consistently.

I'm pretty sure that I know how my T acts in his life based on how he acts with me. He obviously tones himself down a lot, but it's still him.

I think that just like how it takes us some time to start getting more comfortable in the setting and with opening up... it also takes the T time to get to know us and to know what parts of themselves they may need to keep toned down. (I'm pretty sure my T is going to be watching his sense of humour because he's said things that ended up being hurtful a few times. He probably does this more with some people and less with others.)

I believe she is real. I define 'real' as her motivation to help and her expressions of care as being authentic. I am in no way naive enough to think I have unrestricted access to the whole of her own inner world, just like I don't with anyone in any aspect of my life. There are filters there to make the communication appropriate. Like healed84 described, her T would not share his experience of feeling tired after a poor night's sleep, etc. I find that perfectly appropriate. It doesn't take away from his authenticity as a therapist.

Honesty is very important to me, but I also do think there is a place for white lies. Away from the therapeutic context, the best example I can think of is with children. I work with kids, and really want to be a mother one day - I won't have any qualms about telling them little lies such as yes, your singing is wonderful, darling. Or yes, your princess dress looks wonderful with your riding boots. And did you hear Santa's sleigh bells jingling?! Etc. I know this kind of thing makes some people roll their eyes but my point is sometimes little fibs protect the innocence of people you love.

I tell you how I know if my therapists are real ...

They'll call me on my @#$%! in a heartbeat!

Real As Real Can Be!

Much appreciated too!

Right As Rain!

I feel my T is real with me.

My t is very real with me and i appreciate that. She lets me know what she thinks and feels. I have spent plenty of time with her in real life- such as at the grocery store, going out for dinner, walking the dog, going to the park,etc-- and i have seen how she reacts with other people besides just me. She is the same.

When I think of real, I think a person who isn't pretending to be someone other than what they are. In that regard my T is real with me. He doesn't BS or tell me what I want to hear, he tells it like he sees it. Sometimes he has been too real but luckily I am not offended too easily (but I've heard other patients who don't care for him say he's "terse" instead of direct). But overall, that is their job- to tell it like they see it in a manner that is helpful and appropriate to the situation. It is not a T's job to pass judgement or voice opinions that are not helpful. So sometimes in the case of diplomacy, they can be real to a certain point. But that is human nature, sometimes we need to bite our tongues so we don't offend or hurt people. They also can't risk blurring the lines of friendship/therapy. In that case, they aren't being false, just keeping professional boundaries.

I think your T worded it oddly, but I think he meant that he's more confident in predicting your responses where at first he wasn't. That's just normal with any human interaction. He worded it in a way that made it sound like it was about you and not him though, so I get your reaction.

It sounds to me like he does it with all his clients cause he needs to gauge out how much a certain client is able to handle, if they can handle it, where they are etc. He just doesn't want to damage a client by being that way too early on.

My T I know is real only cause I can sense her genuineness (Is that a word?)

I prefer warmth. I'm skeptical about realness anyway.

Similar to others, I've found my T becoming more real and honest with time. I have also noticed this on a session-by-session basis. In sessions where I am particularly guarded, she is too. In sessions where I allow myself to be more vulnerable, she feels free to say more and, ironically, to act more warm.

My T is really real with me,to the point where sometimes T is blunt and I have to be like "well damn" but I'm pretty much the same. I think my T is pretty straight up,sometimes she's vague with things,and I tell her,just say it already woman!!!

My T has also said once or twice how "she wanted me to be real with her" that really annoyed me

Thank you all for the replies!

I think what made me feel uncomfortable is the initial interpretation that T being 'real' with me would bring too much of him personally in to the room, and I much prefer the boundaries of therapy to be clear. But the more I think about it I think as some of you have said, it is actually a case of him beginning to better understand me and so now knows when and how to respond more appropriately. I also wonder about how he worded it and the sense I got of it being my fault or about soemthign I was or was not doing, I think I will talk to him about this on Thursday when i see him.

There are absolutely no blurring of the lines of T/patient and friendship or otherwise, I work in the field and am clear about my own boundaries with clients and therefor have been very clear about them with my T.

I do believe that he is genuine in his wish to help me achieve a life where I thrive......eventhough I cringe even thinking that because I also still do not believe that I deserve that.......yet.

Thanks again

To be selective with the truth is not honesty.

Thanks for that mastodon, I like how you think....... and I am not sure what CE is referrign to but don't think it was aimed at you.

Oh wait.....where did your post go Mastodon?