[purplemystery]

My time with my T is coming to an end in a few months, so I've been getting into the difficult territory of my transference with her to get everything out. I've only ever given her generalized statements of my feelings. Last session felt extremely uncomfortable because it seems so weird to talk openly about my feelings for her when I've always kept them private. I got worried that she would think I'm needlessly indulging in them. Maybe I don't have a reason to actually tell her just how bad my transference is, and she'll think why in the world are you telling me this? My T has said before that it's okay for me to keep secrets from her if I want to, so I'm afraid she thinks that I shouldn't tell her everything.

I found this quote in an article from Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...he-same-skills) that I am worried applies in my situation: "The therapist anticipates the termination phase of therapy by continually encouraging the independent development of healthy autonomy in clients. Excessive dependency or attempts by clients to seek gratification from the therapist are discouraged."

I don't understand what the article meant by clients seeking gratification, and it doesn't further discuss this. In this context, what do you think that means? Where is the line between talking about transference and seeking gratification? I want to make sure this isn't what I'm doing...

Also, is simply wanting to talk about transference enough of a reason to do so? What if you already know why you have these feelings?

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Maybe I don't have a reason to actually tell her just how bad my transference is, and she'll think why in the world are you telling me this?

I found this quote in an article from Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...he-same-skills) that I am worried applies in my situation: "The therapist anticipates the termination phase of therapy by continually encouraging the independent development of healthy autonomy in clients. Excessive dependency or attempts by clients to seek gratification from the therapist are discouraged."

I don't understand what the article meant by clients seeking gratification, and it doesn't further discuss this. In this context, what do you think that means? Where is the line between talking about transference and seeking gratification? I want to make sure this isn't what I'm doing...

Also, is simply wanting to talk about transference enough of a reason to do so? What if you already know why you have these feelings?

Why are you leaving T? I think the termination phase ideals written here are in the context of patients ending therapy for good, rather than leaving due to Ts retiring, moving, or other reasons.

Gratification given by a T with whom you've developed an intimate relationship might make it more difficult to separate. It's probably not a good idea for a T to be inconsistent with the boundaries either. That could be confusing.

...worried that she would think I'm needlessly indulging in them.
...she'll think why in the world are you telling me this?
...My T has said before that it's okay for me to keep secrets from her if I want to, so I'm afraid she thinks that I shouldn't tell her everything.
...she'll think why in the world are you telling me this?
...I am worried applies in my situation:

This definitely sounds like anxiety! The anticipation, going through all the possibilities, another person's potential thoughts running through your mind, indecisive. Sorry you are feeling so anxious.

Why do you think you are wanting to talk about the transference now? Maybe to help with closure?

[2or3things]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I don't understand what the article meant by clients seeking gratification, and it doesn't further discuss this. In this context, what do you think that means? Where is the line between talking about transference and seeking gratification? I want to make sure this isn't what I'm doing...

Also, is simply wanting to talk about transference enough of a reason to do so? What if you already know why you have these feelings?

I often get worried about bumping up against boundaries in T, at the same time that I'd do anything to get my T to take care of me. When I get especially anxious about it all she often says something that you might find helpful. At those times she says something along the lines of "We can talk about (through) anything. What we won't do is act it out."

I think that gratification, in a therapy context, might be about trying to have T fulfill our wishes/wants without taking a critical look at them to figure out what's going on. The problem with gratification (without the necessary working through, at least) is that it never fixes the problem. It temporarily feels great sometimes, but it's like a fix we need to keep going back for because we don't deal with the underlying issue.

I personally hate that (because who doesn't want their wishes fulfilled!), but I also think it makes sense.

The good news for you, Purple, is that it means that not only is it OK to talk about your transference issues...it's absolutely crucial!

Hope this helps!

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Autumn Skies

Why are you leaving T? I think the termination phase ideals written here are in the context of patients ending therapy for good, rather than leaving due to Ts retiring, moving, or other reasons.

Gratification given by a T with whom you've developed an intimate relationship might make it more difficult to separate. It's probably not a good idea for a T to be inconsistent with the boundaries either. That could be confusing.

...worried that she would think I'm needlessly indulging in them.
...she'll think why in the world are you telling me this?
...My T has said before that it's okay for me to keep secrets from her if I want to, so I'm afraid she thinks that I shouldn't tell her everything.
...she'll think why in the world are you telling me this?
...I am worried applies in my situation:

This definitely sounds like anxiety! The anticipation, going through all the possibilities, another person's potential thoughts running through your mind, indecisive. Sorry you are feeling so anxious.

Why do you think you are wanting to talk about the transference now? Maybe to help with closure?

I won't be able to see my T anymore because she is at my college's counseling center and I'm graduating in May, so you're right that it's probably not exactly the same.

Thanks Autumn Skies, I see what you mean about gratification making the process more difficult. I know that I am easily affected by everything my T says and does. If she were to say something to "gratify" my desires, my emotional side would become confused and more invested in her, even if my intellectual side knows the actual intent of what she said.

I guess my statements do all convey anxiety! I was very worried about telling her exactly what I'm feeling. I spend a lot of time thinking about this sort of thing, and it's all well and good in my own head. To say it out loud makes it seem strange and concrete. Suddenly I feel like I play things up in my mind too much and I just need to be tough.

I do want to discuss my transference now because I know that I am going to be extremely depressed come graduation. It would be such a deep regret for me to be dealing with the pain of that loss and to know that I never told her how I actually feel. So even though I feel ridiculous or worried about doing this, I do think I need to tell her how I feel.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I often get worried about bumping up against boundaries in T, at the same time that I'd do anything to get my T to take care of me. When I get especially anxious about it all she often says something that you might find helpful. At those times she says something along the lines of "We can talk about (through) anything. What we won't do is act it out."

I think that gratification, in a therapy context, might be about trying to have T fulfill our wishes/wants without taking a critical look at them to figure out what's going on. The problem with gratification (without the necessary working through, at least) is that it never fixes the problem. It temporarily feels great sometimes, but it's like a fix we need to keep going back for because we don't deal with the underlying issue.

I personally hate that (because who doesn't want their wishes fulfilled!), but I also think it makes sense.

The good news for you, Purple, is that it means that not only is it OK to talk about your transference issues...it's absolutely crucial!

Hope this helps!

I like what your T says, 2or3things. I will try to remember that next time. Sometimes I wonder if something I say will fall flat and my T will be thinking that I have no therapeutic need to be telling her something. I am hyper-aware of my feelings having the potential to make things awkward or seem strange or excessive. Thanks for clearing up what was meant by the gratification thing!

[unaluna]

Idk. I seem to be operating on two tracks. Or more! The more t gratifies baby hankster, the more adult hankster is freed up to do adult things, rather than engage in self-soothing rituals like over-eating and over-sleeping. And the more adult hankster is not terrified in her own home and does more things. But i dont see adult hankster craving the gratifications. They feel like play. They feel like they are in the past.

Eta - i guess it was a dangerous experiment. But we were both honest about it.

[rainbow8]

It's hard for me to be rational about the pros and cons of seeking and getting gratification from a T. I thought the best thing that ever happened to me in all of my years of therapy was my current T allowing me to hold her hand. Even if that was gratification, and maybe was unhealthy, I think it DID help fulfill some need inside of me, and at the least, got me to realize what is lacking in my RL.

I do think it's important to tell your T about your feelings for her before your therapy ends. Go with your gut feeling and do it!

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by hankster

Idk. I seem to be operating on two tracks. Or more! The more t gratifies baby hankster, the more adult hankster is freed up to do adult things, rather than engage in self-soothing rituals like over-eating and over-sleeping. And the more adult hankster is not terrified in her own home and does more things. But i dont see adult hankster craving the gratifications. They feel like play. They feel like they are in the past.

Eta - i guess it was a dangerous experiment. But we were both honest about it.

Hmm, interesting. I sort of see what you are saying about the "adult" and "baby" parts of yourself. Because my feelings all seem very real, deep, and important when I'm by myself. When I actually get to therapy, it all suddenly doesn't feel real. I feel very disconnected from those emotions, and feel like I can handle it all and I'm just needlessly intense. Anyway, thanks for that. I know I will regret it if I don't tell her everything.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It's hard for me to be rational about the pros and cons of seeking and getting gratification from a T. I thought the best thing that ever happened to me in all of my years of therapy was my current T allowing me to hold her hand. Even if that was gratification, and maybe was unhealthy, I think it DID help fulfill some need inside of me, and at the least, got me to realize what is lacking in my RL.

I do think it's important to tell your T about your feelings for her before your therapy ends. Go with your gut feeling and do it!

Thanks rainbow... so even if I am seeking gratification by wanting to talk to her about all of this, that's not necessarily a bad thing?

[Rosondo]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

My time with my T is coming to an end in a few months, so I've been getting into the difficult territory of my transference with her to get everything out. I've only ever given her generalized statements of my feelings. Last session felt extremely uncomfortable because it seems so weird to talk openly about my feelings for her when I've always kept them private. I got worried that she would think I'm needlessly indulging in them. Maybe I don't have a reason to actually tell her just how bad my transference is, and she'll think why in the world are you telling me this? My T has said before that it's okay for me to keep secrets from her if I want to, so I'm afraid she thinks that I shouldn't tell her everything.

I found this quote in an article from Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...he-same-skills) that I am worried applies in my situation: "The therapist anticipates the termination phase of therapy by continually encouraging the independent development of healthy autonomy in clients. Excessive dependency or attempts by clients to seek gratification from the therapist are discouraged."

I don't understand what the article meant by clients seeking gratification, and it doesn't further discuss this. In this context, what do you think that means? Where is the line between talking about transference and seeking gratification? I want to make sure this isn't what I'm doing...

Also, is simply wanting to talk about transference enough of a reason to do so? What if you already know why you have these feelings?

If your therapist is open and caring, then you can talk about whatever, including transference.

As far as that quote, I'm not quite sure. One meaning is that the therapist would slowly stop giving you what you been getting in the past, when you were less autonomous. Think of parent child relationship. Children get a lot of things from their parents (or at least should). As they grow older, the parents will stop giving them some of those things, either intentionally (to help the child separate) or unintentionally (just don't feel like behaving the same towards the now older child anymore).

Hopefully this coincides with the child also not wanting to get gratification from parents. So the child makes friendships outside home and develops a life of his own. In more tragic cases it's when a parent is dying or leaving permanently for whatever reason, a child is pushed into a life of her own earlier than ready. But it's done for good reasons. The parent simply won't be there and the child needs to become independent in order to survive.

Obviously not the same in many ways, but somewhat similar process is going on in separation in therapy. The therapist gratifies some of your desires earlier in therapy. But at some point, towards the end, less and less of them might be gratified. You won't be rejected. But you won't get, say, as much validation as you used to. It can be difficult, especially if you don't feel ready or if you feel you're being pushed. As a child my dad pushed me too hard to develop independence. I interpreted it as rejection.

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I do want to discuss my transference now because I know that I am going to be extremely depressed come graduation. It would be such a deep regret for me to be dealing with the pain of that loss and to know that I never told her how I actually feel. So even though I feel ridiculous or worried about doing this, I do think I need to tell her how I feel.

In the context of ending therapy because of college, this seems like the ideal topic to discuss with your T over the next few months.

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Because my feelings all seem very real, deep, and important when I'm by myself. When I actually get to therapy, it all suddenly doesn't feel real. I feel very disconnected from those emotions, and feel like I can handle it all and I'm just needlessly intense. Anyway, thanks for that. I know I will regret it if I don't tell her everything.

Nothing you've written in this thread seems to indicate you are seeking gratification from T by bringing up these topics, yet that seems to be what you are worried about. Do you think there is a fear or rejection that when you tell her your feelings, she will be cold and dismissive, perhaps minimizing the relationship upon finding out how much you mean to her? That she won't reciprocate the feelings on some level?

I also want to mention that in a way, patients are supposed to seek gratification (maybe on an unconscious level). This so you can work through these feelings and your childhood losses with T. So even if you are seeking gratification from T, that is ok. I like the way 2or3things explained gratification issues.

Despite the anxiety, it's a sign of mental health to think and plan ahead-which is exactly what you are doing.

I feel very disconnected from those emotions, and feel like I can handle it all and I'm just needlessly intense.

It also seems like part of your motivation to tell her how you feel is to help maintain a connection with her after you part. If you choose to work through these feelings with T over the next few months, telling her about the transference and how much she means to you, I think you will have a really good ending with T. If that happens, you will likely have internalized her within, creating sort of an eternal connection. That's really an ideal ending.

Afterthought: After reading through everything again, it doesn't seem like you are seeking gratification at all; instead, it seems like you are seeking a lasting connection with her. That is very human and also emotionally mature. It believe it will be a positive ending for you, well-as good as endings can be...

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Rosondo

If your therapist is open and caring, then you can talk about whatever, including transference.

As far as that quote, I'm not quite sure. One meaning is that the therapist would slowly stop giving you what you been getting in the past, when you were less autonomous. Think of parent child relationship. Children get a lot of things from their parents (or at least should). As they grow older, the parents will stop giving them some of those things, either intentionally (to help the child separate) or unintentionally (just don't feel like behaving the same towards the now older child anymore).

Hopefully this coincides with the child also not wanting to get gratification from parents. So the child makes friendships outside home and develops a life of his own. In more tragic cases it's when a parent is dying or leaving permanently for whatever reason, a child is pushed into a life of her own earlier than ready. But it's done for good reasons. The parent simply won't be there and the child needs to become independent in order to survive.

Obviously not the same in many ways, but somewhat similar process is going on in separation in therapy. The therapist gratifies some of your desires earlier in therapy. But at some point, towards the end, less and less of them might be gratified. You won't be rejected. But you won't get, say, as much validation as you used to. It can be difficult, especially if you don't feel ready or if you feel you're being pushed. As a child my dad pushed me too hard to develop independence. I interpreted it as rejection.

Thanks Rosondo, I definitely understand what you mean about interpreting the push to independence as rejection. I'm certain that I'll be feeling this way close to when we end. I think your interpretation makes a lot of sense, though I have actually found that my T is more gratifying than she ever has been, probably because I've gotten to a new level of honesty with her. We have not reached the phase in therapy of my gaining gradual independence because my therapy is basically being cut short because of graduation when it shouldn't. :/

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Autumn Skies

In the context of ending therapy because of college, this seems like the ideal topic to discuss with your T over the next few months.


Nothing you've written in this thread seems to indicate you are seeking gratification from T by bringing up these topics, yet that seems to be what you are worried about. Do you think there is a fear or rejection that when you tell her your feelings, she will be cold and dismissive, perhaps minimizing the relationship upon finding out how much you mean to her? That she won't reciprocate the feelings on some level?

I also want to mention that in a way, patients are supposed to seek gratification (maybe on an unconscious level). This so you can work through these feelings and your childhood losses with T. So even if you are seeking gratification from T, that is ok. I like the way 2or3things explained gratification issues.

Despite the anxiety, it's a sign of mental health to think and plan ahead-which is exactly what you are doing.


It also seems like part of your motivation to tell her how you feel is to help maintain a connection with her after you part. If you choose to work through these feelings with T over the next few months, telling her about the transference and how much she means to you, I think you will have a really good ending with T. If that happens, you will likely have internalized her within, creating sort of an eternal connection. That's really an ideal ending.

Afterthought: After reading through everything again, it doesn't seem like you are seeking gratification at all; instead, it seems like you are seeking a lasting connection with her. That is very human and also emotionally mature. It believe it will be a positive ending for you, well-as good as endings can be...

Thanks AutumnSkies, this helped me so much. Yes, I definitely fear that she will minimize the relationship and tell me that I'm needlessly focusing too much on the relationship, or that I need to be in better control of my feelings or something. But I am definitely going to commit to telling her of my transference with her despite these worries. I have to- I know I'll just regret it if I don't. I'm glad you think this will be a positive ending. I sure hope so.