[sweepy62]

As you well know, if you have been following my posts, I have problems showing emotions and feelings, its something we are working on while we are working on issues and csa.

While I was disclosing something somewhat difficult, my eyes welled up a bit a big NO NO with me so I got really uncomfortable and started wiggling around , she noticed, I started squinting my eyes, I didnt want to rub them, I didnt want to be that obvious.

So she said " you can have a tissue sweepy if you need one they are right beside you" OMG !!!!!! she called me out, I know she means well and she is my stronghold and I work very well with her, but she knows that is one of my weaknesses.

I took the tissue box and kind of shoved it real hard to the other side of the table hiding it and said I dont need a damn tissue!!!!! and she said " ok sweepy" I am getting more and more vulnerable, I guess I should apologize for shoving those tissues the way I did next session.

[Leah123]

I don't imagine your therapist took it at all personally, when it is so clearly not, but I wonder if you'd find it healing and a step closer to healthy vulnerability to just thank her for the offer next time- to acknowledge that you were feeling pain and she recognized it and tried to help.

Take care! Therapy is so hard.

[granite1]

omg I get this lol .last session I was tearing up and I could hardly hold it back my eyes kept tearing and even leaking some but I would quickly wipe with hand .at one point she said I needed to hear what she was saying and that I needed to look at her .I shook my head no.she asked if it was because I was going to cry .I said NO I wasn't and that made me be able to pull it all back in and under control .I will never let her see me like that

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by granite1

omg I get this lol .last session I was tearing up and I could hardly hold it back my eyes kept tearing and even leaking some but I would quickly wipe with hand .at one point she said I needed to hear what she was saying and that I needed to look at her .I shook my head no.she asked if it was because I was going to cry .I said NO I wasn't and that made me be able to pull it all back in and under control .I will never let her see me like that

Omg granite, isnt that the most scariest thing ever!!!!!! this was the first time ever she caught me out there. Next thursday I am going to be more careful, I am going to tell her sorry for shoving the tissue box so hard, and that I understand the offering of the tissue and thank her, but thats it for that conversation. I dont know how I let myself become so transparent usually I have good warning signs and I can stop this, but her sweet mellow voice just swallowed me.

I think you are kidding yourself if you think your T's don't realize how upset you are and can't see through your efforts to hold back your emotions. Have you considered that your tears would be of absolutely no surprise or shock to your T's at all? They already know this about you. Perhaps one day you will be able to let go of that false sense of control (it is only an illusion to you) and just be real with your emotions. I hope that for you. I completely understand where you are coming from (been there; done that), but hopefully you'll feel safe enough to just let things be what they are at some point, without feeling any shame about it. It really makes things easier and ultimately more healing.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I think you are kidding yourself if you think your T's don't realize how upset you are and can't see through your efforts to hold back your emotions. Have you considered that your tears would be of absolutely no surprise or shock to your T's at all? They already know this about you. Perhaps one day you will be able to let go of that false sense of control (it is only an illusion to you) and just be real with your emotions. I hope that for you. I completely understand where you are coming from (been there; done that), but hopefully you'll feel safe enough to just let things be what they are at some point, without feeling any shame about it. It really makes things easier and ultimately more healing.

thanks sierra, I am hoping for that someday soon, as I can see how it can be so relieving, but as for right now, when I use to cry, as a child I use to be smacked in the face, then, when I was punished by spanking or other methods, I didnt cry that would piss off my mom, so she said if I didnt cry she would keep hitting me till I did. Now once in a while when my h says something hurtful and I shed a couple of tears, h says, you have nothing to cry over. I shut down automatically. I dont mean to whine and justify my past with my present, I hate to do that.

I am working on letting these feelings flow easier and lose the shame I feel.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Arghh I understand. I can't handle tears in myself unless I'm alone. With a couple of friends it's just about tolerable for a brief moment. Last session I was on the edge of weeping and just panicked - the idea of actually really crying in therapy makes my flesh creep.

I've bizarrely got worse about this since starting with my T. At the intake session, I couldn't quite keep it together and I had a couple of choking sobs, it didn't bother me unduly, but now the thought of that terrifies me *headdesk*

[ShrinkPatient]

Sweepy, I know how you feel! I absolutely refuse to cry in front of my T. Although she keeps tissues close to me, I actually bring a handkerchief to session. If I start to tear up and spill over (rarely), I want to take care of it on my own. It's totally dumb, but I feel like having the handkerchief somehow lessens how weak I appear. It probably doesn't, but it does make me feel better. Also, my handkerchiefs are cute and monogrammed. So, that helps too!!

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by ShrinkPatient

Sweepy, I know how you feel! I absolutely refuse to cry in front of my T. Although she keeps tissues close to me, I actually bring a handkerchief to session. If I start to tear up and spill over (rarely), I want to take care of it on my own. It's totally dumb, but I feel like having the handkerchief somehow lessens how weak I appear. It probably doesn't, but it does make me feel better. Also, my handkerchiefs are cute and monogrammed. So, that helps too!!

thank you shrinkpatient, I guess I could bring in my own hankie, not that I plan to use it anytime soon, but I will put it on my wish list though lol

[Victoria'smom]

When I tear up it's one single small tear that rolls down my left cheek. My T does not offer me a tissue but does ask me to look up. This has happened 2x in T. I'm not ashamed of my one tear. I actually hate my face turning red. My husband's T gave me a tissue and it went from her hand to the trash can. I quickly recover from crying and am really good at quickly fixing myself to look like I'm fine. So I'm not ashamed for T's to see me cry unless it's full on red faced, nose blowing hysterics