[growlithing]

Okay. This thread is going to be triggering for abuse and potentially lengthy and difficult to answer. My T isn't around and I have no idea where else to possibly ask this.

So I'm currently stuck in my abusive parents' house. I'm financially dependent on them and they told me that if I do not come stay here over the holidays, they would completely cut me off as they do not want to fund someone who doesn't want to be apart of the family. I was at a residential program when they told me that. My T did NOT want me going back there and we looked at all possible alternatives and decided that this was really my only option.

My T decided that what we would do is to offer an olive branch to my mother. My mother is highly emotionally abusive and we came up with a list of things that I wanted out of her and we had her come up with a list of things she wanted from me. I basically said I wanted space, I didn't want to be harassed about my mental health, I didn't want to be harassed about my weight, I wanted to be talked to in a normal tone of voice. She wanted me to basically keep myself and my room clean, agree to taking some loan, and to interact with the family. I've been impressed with her ability to actually adhere to her side of the list up until now, however she was at work all the time for the last week and since she's been home this weekend, she's been much more invasive again.

Here's the problem: shortly after making that agreement, I started to remember things from my childhood. I've been really REALLY struggling with these memories and I don't 100% know if they are true or not... but I think my dad raped me. I can't handle being around him at all. I get really anxious and need to leave. I really can't interact with them that much because every single second I do, I have this overwhelming urge to hurt myself. Being around them also brings up more memories. T doesn't know the full extent of what I think I remember.

My mom has been trying to get me to go out to dinner or go to the movies or go to church with them and it's like... I don't know how many more excuses I can come up with before she gets angry. I don't even know if she's already angry or not. I wouldn't want to do those things in the first place because number one, I'm an atheist but my parents' don't know that and going to church will make me uncomfortable and worried that I'll blow my cover. My parents are also horrible human beings that I hate interacting with who can't seem to not say something cruel. But now, I don't want to risk doing anything where he could accidentally touch me in any way. I'm afraid of sitting next to him in a restaurant, next to him in a dark movie theater, anywhere. I can't handle being in the same room as him for more than 30 seconds.

My T is on vacation and I know she won't answer if I email her about this. I'm just so scared that my mother is going to be angry with me for not spending time with them and then cut me off. I'm also scared of going out with them. I don't know what to do. Does anyone know how to handle this?

[IndestructibleGirl]

This is very tricky, I have no real ideas to suggest other than to be honest about what I would do in your situation - I'd go to my gp and get a short term dose of diazapam to deal with the anxiety and fear and overwhelming emotion. I'd make up some crap about having sudden dental pain and being scared of the dentist to get it. Not ideal but may keep you safe?

The only other thing I can think of is could you possibly bring any friends with you on an outing to the cinema or for dinner? They might inspire your parents to be a bit more civil, and you might feel safer with friends around?

Hope you are okay. Hang in there! It's only a temporary situation, it will be over soon.

[unaluna]

Can you tell them that you would like to follow a schedule like you had in the hospital, where you did a, b, c, and were alone to read for x many hours? This routine kept you stable, its what you will be returning to, and so you would like to stick with it, and thank them for their support. Like take a proactive stance that cuts off their ability to even ask you crap. Hey even if you have to exaggerate a little.

[eblam81]

Hey there growlithing; I hear you...I can so relate to what you are saying. Do not force yourself to be around your father if you are having feelings that trigger such deep fear and anxiety. If your not exactly sure of the rape just yet, and this is something you need to touch delicately on in therapy, but it could also be something else associated with your father, that makes you feel this way. And your mom on top of that, you don't deserve this abuse. You need to care for yourself. If these people want to create misery, let them create it amongst themselves, why allow yourself to continue to be a part of that when you really don't have to? Do as the last post suggested if you need to. Make up something and stick to it. Anything to protect yourself until you can speak with your T. Please remember self-care is so important, YOU are important!

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

This is very tricky, I have no real ideas to suggest other than to be honest about what I would do in your situation - I'd go to my gp and get a short term dose of diazapam to deal with the anxiety and fear and overwhelming emotion. I'd make up some crap about having sudden dental pain and being scared of the dentist to get it. Not ideal but may keep you safe?

The only other thing I can think of is could you possibly bring any friends with you on an outing to the cinema or for dinner? They might inspire your parents to be a bit more civil, and you might feel safer with friends around?

Hope you are okay. Hang in there! It's only a temporary situation, it will be over soon.

You and I are on the same page. I got both ativan and vistrail on the ready for a family outing. The problem is that I get very spacey and kinda act like a zombie on the meds and that annoys my mother and I'm worried if I don't put on some show of loving being around them, I'll get cut off.

I've miraculously somehow managed to not relapse into self harm during all of this. I don't know how I've avoided it, but I've been here 10 days without doing it and I'm going to force myself through the next 10.

Originally Posted by hankster

Can you tell them that you would like to follow a schedule like you had in the hospital, where you did a, b, c, and were alone to read for x many hours? This routine kept you stable, its what you will be returning to, and so you would like to stick with it, and thank them for their support. Like take a proactive stance that cuts off their ability to even ask you crap. Hey even if you have to exaggerate a little.

My T and I already told her that I need a schedule. The problem is that the schedule my mom could come up with was a literal list of things I would never do. She also has no respect for boundaries at ALL so unless I'm literally not in the house, she will come bother me. She came in my room and started talking to me about how I need to be "part of the family" last night at 11pm when all of my lights were off and I told her 2 hours previous that I was going to bed early because I didn't feel good. I've been saying I've been feeling cranky and sick because I'm on my period (I'm desperate okay) but I've been using that excuse for like almost too long now. I need a new "illness" that can't be treated by a doctor and shows no symptoms she can diagnose (she is a doctor).

I've been trying to spend as much time out of the house as humanly possible. I'm so glad I have my license now. I have no clue how I functioned here without it.

And for the people who are going to tell me I need to be financially independent, I know and I'm applying for jobs for when I go home. I'm trying to start preparing myself.

[elliemay]

What on earth kind of doctor is your mother?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by elliemay

What on earth kind of doctor is your mother?

Standard MD. Just beyond terrible at anything remotely psych related.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Since you and your mom already came to an agreement about the things you both needed during the holidays, can you go back to that? She needs you to interact with the family, so is there some activity you feel you could do that wouldn't be too anxiety producing? Could you go to a movie and just make sure that you don't sit next to your dad? (take the aisle and sit next to your mom?). You've told her that you need space, so when you're starting to feel overwhelmed with her attention, can you say to her "Mom, remember that we agreed that I need some space during the holidays? This is one of those times when I need that space."

Also, since you and your T told your mom that you need a schedule, could you come up with a schedule yourself, and present it to your Mom and tell her - this is the schedule I follow at the residential program, and I want to continue following it here? It's your schedule, don't give her the opportunity to create it for you.

As far as taking meds go, could you just tell your mom that you know she doesn't like the effect it has on you, but your doctor has told you to take them and you don't want to go against your doctor's instructions.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

Since you and your mom already came to an agreement about the things you both needed during the holidays, can you go back to that? She needs you to interact with the family, so is there some activity you feel you could do that wouldn't be too anxiety producing? Could you go to a movie and just make sure that you don't sit next to your dad? (take the aisle and sit next to your mom?). You've told her that you need space, so when you're starting to feel overwhelmed with her attention, can you say to her "Mom, remember that we agreed that I need some space during the holidays? This is one of those times when I need that space."

Also, since you and your T told your mom that you need a schedule, could you come up with a schedule yourself, and present it to your Mom and tell her - this is the schedule I follow at the residential program, and I want to continue following it here? It's your schedule, don't give her the opportunity to create it for you.

As far as taking meds go, could you just tell your mom that you know she doesn't like the effect it has on you, but your doctor has told you to take them and you don't want to go against your doctor's instructions.

I know I'll have to do that when I get dragged to do something. I just worry they'll change seats and I get stuck.

The schedule I followed at the residential program was constant group therapy. I can't transfer that over.

T told me before I'm going to have to set the past aside and look at my parents as the people they are today as opposed to the people they were when all the abuse happened. I don't know how to put that aside. I don't know how to look at my father and see anything but my rapist. I don't know how to do that. I literally avoid looking at him.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I know I'll have to do that when I get dragged to do something. I just worry they'll change seats and I get stuck.

If that happens, get up, go to the bathroom, take a few deep breaths, come back, and sit in a different seat. You can change seats without being obvious about it.

[googley]

I have had to deal with similar situations with visiting parents for the holidays. It really really sucks. I have a couple of suggestions but I don't know how much they will work for your situation. If you have a friend who lives around you, see if you can bring a friend to your family activity. Ask your friend to help you out. You sit on the isle and have your friend sit next to you.

Keep up with getting out of the house. See if there are things you can do while you are out to help the family. Makes you seem involved without having to do things with others. Suggestions: running errands, grocery shopping, pet care etc.

I know that you are atheist, but could you try going to church with your family. You don't have to listen to what is said or believe it. Just sit there participating as little as possible and think about other things. It can be painful to be there, but think of it as when you spent time in your most boring class in school. What did you do in those classes? There will be a lot of other people around and often people behave better in pubic than they do in private. I'm only suggesting this to try and get you 'family' points so your mom will leave you alone. Can you plan your away time from home when your mom is around?

Do you have siblings? If so, can you do things with them and get 'family' credit? Can you stand being around them?

Good luck. Family sucks. I hope that you are able to get through this and back to your own place soon.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

If that happens, get up, go to the bathroom, take a few deep breaths, come back, and sit in a different seat. You can change seats without being obvious about it.

I'm just scared. It's so scary. Why do I have to even deal with this? Why can't I just have had a normal life with parents who maybe weren't 100% perfect and had their faults, but at least they never beat me or raped me? Why did all of this even happen? I logically know it was just a random unfortunate coincidence but emotionally I don't get it. I shouldn't have be scared to be around my parents. They were supposed to take that fear away, but inject it in me.

I won't be forced out with them before Thursday at least. I can stretch PMS one more day and then it is New Year's Eve and we have plans and they will understand me being tired on New Year's

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by googley

I have had to deal with similar situations with visiting parents for the holidays. It really really sucks. I have a couple of suggestions but I don't know how much they will work for your situation. If you have a friend who lives around you, see if you can bring a friend to your family activity. Ask your friend to help you out. You sit on the isle and have your friend sit next to you.

Keep up with getting out of the house. See if there are things you can do while you are out to help the family. Makes you seem involved without having to do things with others. Suggestions: running errands, grocery shopping, pet care etc.

I know that you are atheist, but could you try going to church with your family. You don't have to listen to what is said or believe it. Just sit there participating as little as possible and think about other things. It can be painful to be there, but think of it as when you spent time in your most boring class in school. What did you do in those classes? There will be a lot of other people around and often people behave better in pubic than they do in private.

Do you have siblings? If so, can you do things with them and get 'family' credit? Can you stand being around them?

Good luck. Family sucks. I hope that you are able to get through this and back to your own place soon.

Yes, but the boring classes at school didn't involve me being squished on a bench, sandwiched in between a person who beat me and a person
who probably raped me. I don't want them to be that close to me.

I hate my sister for really no good reason besides the fact that she used to physically abuse our younger brother. But I know the real reason I hate her is because my parents love her so much. She was never beat and I doubt my dad did anything to her. Their relationship is completely different from my complete lack of a relationship with him. My dad ignores me. He has nicknames for her. It could just be an act, but then why did I never get the act? My dad used me and that was it. I got nothing else from him.

My brother is a 12 year old boy. I try to spend some time with him. He runs off with his friends.

I'm honestly not trying to veto everything. The friend thing could maybe work. This whole thing is just so scary. I wanna go home so bad.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Why can't I just have had a normal life with parents who maybe weren't 100% perfect and had their faults, but at least they never beat me or raped me? Why did all of this even happen? I logically know it was just a random unfortunate coincidence but emotionally I don't get it. I shouldn't have be scared to be around my parents. They were supposed to take that fear away, but inject it in me.

I understand every bit of this. I've also come to understand that the answer is "because things are this way."

There is nothing right now that you can do to change it. SO. You can fight it every step of the way and be exhausted and miserable, or you can accept it, roll with it, and know that it will end.

There might even be a nugget of enjoyment in there for you somewhere.

I'm not saying embrace your abusers or lavish your father with affection. What I'm saying is look for the good in the situation. You've already been quite creative and resourceful.

Accept where you are as temporary, make the best of it, and, when you can, take the steps you need to prevent it from happening again.

It's fighting this misery that is making you miserable. Acknowledge it then move with it.

It's a big deal, I hear you. It's also doable.

[anilam]

I must say I don't understand how hard this must be. Being in the situation when you need money from them yet you hate them... I can't even imagine.
How long do you need to stay there?

BTW, I don't believe it's possible to look at ppl and see only now and not the past. What a strange advice...

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I'm just scared. It's so scary. Why do I have to even deal with this? Why can't I just have had a normal life with parents who maybe weren't 100% perfect and had their faults, but at least they never beat me or raped me? Why did all of this even happen? I logically know it was just a random unfortunate coincidence but emotionally I don't get it.

I have two things to say to you, having been in a situation similar to yours at your age, and both of them are probably very hard to hear.

The first is that you made a choice to be there NOW. You didn't have a choice when you were a child, you get who you get for parents, but once we become adults and choose to go back to an abusive environment or where our abusive parents are, we need to look at why we made that choice. I imagine that you will say that your other choice would to be homeless, but that is your feeling, not the reality. You have other options: there are domestic violence shelters that you would be eligible for services from, there are temporary living situations that can often be found on message boards for sublets, roommates, house sitting, pet sitting, etc. There are emergency loans available and many people ask others, friends or family, to offer them temporary shelter. I know that you are working towards your independence, but the point is, that you made a choice to be where you are. That is not to say you "deserve" to feel bad or that you should be blamed or shamed for making that choice, but I think it would move you forward to acknowledge that it is your own agency that put you in this position. I don't look down on you for choosing physical comfort over staying someplace that is not your home. I don't look down on you for not making the effort to find another place to stay, I would imagine you had limited energy for doing so. But it may be worth examining why you did not make other choices, why you cannot walk away from the economic advantages that your parents offer you, from the privilege of their wealth. Because I think until you answer that question for yourself, you're always going to be hooked into them for a little bit longer.

I am not the only person who walked away from his family of origin. I have since met many people who did it far younger than I. I read recently that Wolfgang Puck was 14 when he left home because his father constantly told him he would never amount to anything. I was a couple of years older than you, in graduate school, that my parents were paying for. I went to the financial office and said that I needed to pay for school myself because it was dangerous for me to continue to allow my parents to pay, and what did I need to do to make that happen. I did not want to end up with the large student loans that I did or work as hard as I had to to support myself, but I put my own emotional security, my own emotional health and the integrity of living my life with respect for myself first and foremost, above and beyond anything my parents could financially provide for me. And living without fear, whether I was in their home visiting or just being aware that they could theoretically come visit me at any time, was also well worth it. I could not begin to really heal until I cut the cord with them. I doubt that you can either. As long as you use them to support you financially, you create a dissonance in your mind about what and who is right for you. It fosters hate and it will poison your other social relationships.

Second, many trauma victims return to the same bad scene over and over because they are "re-enacting" the trauma and trying to make it turn out differently. It seems to me that you might be looking for someone to rescue you from the hellhole of your parents' house, so you keep going back hoping that will somehow happen this time. But your T can't rescue you, and it seems like you isolate yourself from others who might be able to assist you in getting away. Again, I think that examining your reasons for returning, and not just brushing off the question with "I have to, or I'll be homeless" is useful.

The other thing that occurs to me-- I would rather be homeless, no question about it, rather than subject myself to my abusive parents' home and control. I suspect that would be true for other people as well. Some things are worth being homeless for, and for me it is far worse to subject myself to emotional abuse, fear, and increased PTSD symptoms than *risk* that I'd be homeless. But I'm a fighter, and I would not be homeless for very long. I would do whatever I needed to do to take care of myself without depending on others to rescue or support me.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I have two things to say to you, having been in a situation similar to yours at your age, and both of them are probably very hard to hear.

The first is that you made a choice to be there NOW. You didn't have a choice when you were a child, you get who you get for parents, but once we become adults and choose to go back to an abusive environment or where our abusive parents are, we need to look at why we made that choice. I imagine that you will say that your other choice would to be homeless, but that is your feeling, not the reality. You have other options: there are domestic violence shelters that you would be eligible for services from, there are temporary living situations that can often be found on message boards for sublets, roommates, house sitting, pet sitting, etc. There are emergency loans available and many people ask others, friends or family, to offer them temporary shelter. I know that you are working towards your independence, but the point is, that you made a choice to be where you are. That is not to say you "deserve" to feel bad or that you should be blamed or shamed for making that choice, but I think it would move you forward to acknowledge that it is your own agency that put you in this position. I don't look down on you for choosing physical comfort over staying someplace that is not your home. I don't look down on you for not making the effort to find another place to stay, I would imagine you had limited energy for doing so. But it may be worth examining why you did not make other choices, why you cannot walk away from the economic advantages that your parents offer you, from the privilege of their wealth. Because I think until you answer that question for yourself, you're always going to be hooked into them for a little bit longer.

I am not the only person who walked away from his family of origin. I have since met many people who did it far younger than I. I read recently that Wolfgang Puck was 14 when he left home because his father constantly told him he would never amount to anything. I was a couple of years older than you, in graduate school, that my parents were paying for. I went to the financial office and said that I needed to pay for school myself because it was dangerous for me to continue to allow my parents to pay, and what did I need to do to make that happen. I did not want to end up with the large student loans that I did or work as hard as I had to to support myself, but I put my own emotional security, my own emotional health and the integrity of living my life with respect for myself first and foremost, above and beyond anything my parents could financially provide for me. And living without fear, whether I was in their home visiting or just being aware that they could theoretically come visit me at any time, was also well worth it. I could not begin to really heal until I cut the cord with them. I doubt that you can either. As long as you use them to support you financially, you create a dissonance in your mind about what and who is right for you. It fosters hate and it will poison your other social relationships.

Second, many trauma victims return to the same bad scene over and over because they are "re-enacting" the trauma and trying to make it turn out differently. It seems to me that you might be looking for someone to rescue you from the hellhole of your parents' house, so you keep going back hoping that will somehow happen this time. But your T can't rescue you, and it seems like you isolate yourself from others who might be able to assist you in getting away. Again, I think that examining your reasons for returning, and not just brushing off the question with "I have to, or I'll be homeless" is useful.

The other thing that occurs to me-- I would rather be homeless, no question about it, rather than subject myself to my abusive parents' home and control. I suspect that would be true for other people as well. Some things are worth being homeless for, and for me it is far worse to subject myself to emotional abuse, fear, and increased PTSD symptoms than *risk* that I'd be homeless. But I'm a fighter, and I would not be homeless for very long. I would do whatever I needed to do to take care of myself without depending on others to rescue or support me.

I made this choice because

1) I originally was under the impression that I would still be residential throughout break

2) My parents completely blind sided me with this and then used my lack of knowledge about financial stuff (stuff they should have taught me) and forced me into a corner of homelessness or putting up with them for three weeks because I can't get emergency loans. I don't have a credit score.

3) Sometimes, I think being homeless might be better. But then again, no it wouldn't because I'd be homeless in the New England weather, I can't guarantee finding a homeless shelter, and despite what my parents did to me in the past, I am over 6 feet tall and rather strong. They would never put their hands on me now because they know I would fight back. Even if they were able to overpower me, I would get concrete evidence (such as photos or going to the hospital without showering first) and prosecute them to the fullest of my ability in hopes of getting them out of my life and me into their money. So they wouldn't go there. On the city streets, my odds of being raped or killed is significantly higher.

4) I am paranoid that if I cut myself off from my parents, my mother will come after my trumpets because technically, I wasn't the one who purchased then. I'm not sure if they are valuable enough that any claims could be made on them and I don't know if they have any evidence of ownership, but I do not want to risk it at all. That is all I have in my life to keep myself going. My ability to play them is my really my only way of making money right now and if I were to suddenly be homeless, I'd need them to play on the streets for a little cash and to continue playing freelance gigs once I have put together enough money to get myself some way to contact others. I would need to have enough money saved up to buy my trumpets off of them if they want to press theft charges.

I actually live throughout the year over 700 miles from my parents. This situation isn't ideal at all. When I was still thinking I could be residential right now I was hoping to get some Christmas gigs and earn easily $900 through playing a bunch and saving that towards my eventual independence. Obviously, that didn't work out. My plan right now is to get through the next 9 days all the while applying for jobs, get some job experience next semester while also getting some free training to do something slightly more skilled than minimum wage (while still working on music), figure out how to start getting a credit score, and continue to use my connections to play as many weddings, services, and odd jobs as possible. I wouldn't be able to be financially independent by the summer, but I would have a very strong and viable argument to stay in Boston throughout the summer before and after I play in a summer festival.

I agree with you that I need to cut them out ASAP, but I'm not going to do that right now considering that I'm in the wrong state completely. If I did cut them off today, I would be freezing on the streets of Detroit with no one local to let me use their shower to clean up for a job interview and no way to get back to Boston where I have connections, the city is A LOT safer, and the unemployment rate is much lower. This is the situation I chose to be in for right now, I can't undo it, and I'm just looking for ways to survive my own decision.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by anilam

I must say I don't understand how hard this must be. Being in the situation when you need money from them yet you hate them... I can't even imagine.
How long do you need to stay there?

BTW, I don't believe it's possible to look at ppl and see only now and not the past. What a strange advice...

I miscounted. I have 10 days left.

Yeah. I don't know about that advice. I honestly think what she was trying to do was stretch out the idea of mindfulness. I don't think she actually knows how to deal with this situation because there really aren't any good answers besides don't put yourself in this situation. We both decided it was my only option and I had to do this. She never supported it though beyond recognizing that I have no other options. She wanted me to stay with her in the residential setting. She and I could have continued working on stuff through the break and avoided seeing them altogether.

So I think she really wanted to give some advice but really has nothing for this and neither do the other therapists at that place. I know her and I know she asked for advice from them on this and that was probably the best she got. My other T only told me to grin and bear it.

T emailed me this morning despite being on her vacation to ask how things were going. I didn't tell her any information about the memory, just that I have one and I can't seem to manage it and interact with them. We'll see if and how she responds

[PeeJay]

I say call their bluff.

Your parents say they'll cut you off if you don't act a part of the family. Do what you want and see what happens. The threat of turning off the financial spigot is their last means of control. If they actually turn it off, they have no way to control you any longer.

I suspect they won't actually do it. And if they did, you'd at last be free because you'd have nothing left to lose.

Seriously though? I doubt they'd kick you out onto the street if they are as concerned with appearances as you say that they are.

In other words, do what you want and ignore them. It seems to be the natural conclusion of the relationship.

If your dream about your dad is a memory of an actual event that happened, then your dad knows full well the real culprit behind your mental and emotional issues. They probably both do.

Finally, would they really render you homeless while your brother is watching? It doesn't seem all that plausible and you hold power because an accusation of abuse could risk having their son removed. You have more power than is readily apparent.

They may not be nice or kind or loving parents, but they don't strike me as idiots. If I were a gambling man, I'd put all my chips on the card that says that they're not going to cut you off.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I say call their bluff.

Your parents say they'll cut you off if you don't act a part of the family. Do what you want and see what happens. The threat of turning off the financial spigot is their last means of control. If they actually turn it off, they have no way to control you any longer.

I suspect they won't actually do it. And if they did, you'd at last be free because you'd have nothing left to lose.

Seriously though? I doubt they'd kick you out onto the street if they are as concerned with appearances as you say that they are.

In other words, do what you want and ignore them. It seems to be the natural conclusion of the relationship.

If your dream about your dad is a memory of an actual event that happened, then your dad knows full well the real culprit behind your mental and emotional issues. They probably both do.

Finally, would they really render you homeless while your brother is watching? It doesn't seem all that plausible and you hold power because an accusation of abuse could risk having their son removed. You have more power than is readily apparent.

They may not be nice or kind or loving parents, but they don't strike me as idiots. If I were a gambling man, I'd put all my chips on the card that says that they're not going to cut you off.

This wasn't a dream. I've had dreams about this in the past. The dreams made me wonder about it. This stuff came back to me while awake slowly over a period of time and then came back even more clearly when I revisited my room from childhood.

I never thought about that. I know my dad knows. He groomed me, used me, and then threw me away so he could try to forget what happened. He doesn't want anything to do with me and is an absolute phantom in my life. Why? Because he knows what happened. He knows all of this is his fault but he just wants to forget about it. I think the reason they give me money at all is because deep down they feel guilty.

I actually have a 16 year old sister as well as a 12 year old brother. I'm not concerned that anything happened between him and my sister just based on how drastically different their relationship is. Maybe that's naive of me to think that way. But I was the kid that they regretted having. My sister was the kid they meant to have when I was born. I was trash to them and they violated me because I was worthless. They consecrated my sister.

[PeeJay]

Goodness, I'm sorry the world is so unjust. Hang in there. Nine more days.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I never thought about that. I know my dad knows. He groomed me, used me, and then threw me away so he could try to forget what happened. He doesn't want anything to do with me and is an absolute phantom in my life. Why? Because he knows what happened. He knows all of this is his fault but he just wants to forget about it. I think the reason they give me money at all is because deep down they feel guilty.

I actually have a 16 year old sister as well as a 12 year old brother. I'm not concerned that anything happened between him and my sister just based on how drastically different their relationship is. Maybe that's naive of me to think that way. But I was the kid that they regretted having. My sister was the kid they meant to have when I was born. I was trash to them and they violated me because I was worthless. They consecrated my sister.

It's an odd realization, isn't it? Did you always know you were "trash to them"? It took me a long time to figure it out, partly because i was in denial and was stupid, and partly because they would lie to me. I get what you were saying about your instruments, that it feels like they would take them from you out of spite. That they would strip you of them. I think that is a more symbolic rather than a realistic fear - that they would stop you from supporting yourself. They need you to fail to prove themselves right.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by hankster

It's an odd realization, isn't it? Did you always know you were "trash to them"? It took me a long time to figure it out, partly because i was in denial and was stupid, and partly because they would lie to me. I get what you were saying about your instruments, that it feels like they would take them from you out of spite. That they would strip you of them. I think that is a more symbolic rather than a realistic fear - that they would stop you from supporting yourself. They need you to fail to prove themselves right.

Well, it isn't a super odd realization. My mom already told me she regrets having me. My dad completely alienates me. I already knew this stuff. This just strengthens it