[peaches100]

I need to share what I wrote to my t today. I'm at a painful crossroads. I don't want to be alone with this. . .



R,

Thanks for the honest feedback. I understand your points. I think I'm just out of motivation and feel hopeless. I've tried so hard to get better, and have improved in different areas. But not with child parts. I don't feel like even trying to heal those parts of me anymore.

I'm not retreating from you, the way I have in the past. I'm retreating from my own hopes that somehow my parents will change, or that it's possible to have the sort of relationship with you that I want/need, or that damaged child parts of me can be healed. I'm wondering if I should take what I've gained from therapy, cut my losses, and call it quits. Maybe I've come as far as I can go.

I don't think I can allow child parts to be present in our work without wanting more from our relationship than you can provide. If I let them out, they are so starving, they will want to gorge on our relationship like candy. They won't understand the limits and will run into them constantly. Then they will be hurt, cry, feel rejected, etc., just like they have done before. I understand that they need to learn, but they keep running into the brick wall and getting bloodied. I can't make them understand that their needs are TOO MUCH for you or for me - just like they were TOO MUCH for my mom, for E., etc.


Child parts don't understand that you're not here to be a permanent parent. You're here to be a temporary teacher. I finally get it. But I don't want to tell child parts. It will be devastating to them. It's so much less than they need and have hoped for all these decades. It takes loads of acceptance, even for the adult part of me. I've had so much invested in our relationship.

Deep down inside, I think a part of me has always known that you didn't love me like a parent, that it wasn't possible, or even advised for the therapy relationship. But that hope kept me coming to see you. It kept me from facing the reality that I'm never going to get what I missed out on as a child. It kept me from throwing in the towel and giving up. I'm not sure I am strong enough to face all these realizations even now. I feel so much disappointment and so alone. I feel like I want to just crawl in a hole and die. I don't know if I can keep moving forward in our work.

For a long time, therapy seemed like a yellow brick road leading to a changed mom (or a new mom) who could love me and make up for what I didn't have with my mom. But it's not, is it? You're not the prize at the end of the yellow brick road. You're the guide. At the end of the yellow brick road, there is only myself. Not my mom, not E., not you. Only me. The yellow brick road is just a gigantic circle that leads back to myself. It's not the prize I'd hoped for. I don't even know if i want the prize. I'm feeling very dismal right now.


I know you aren't a big fan of deprivation. But I have to consider whether deprivation is preferable to the alternative - which is learning to live with small portions of what I need, while managing the cavern of empty, painful need inside me.

If child parts are starving for something they can never have, is it better to dissociate the need so that they will not suffer hunger endlessly? Or is it preferable to allow that pain, hunger, and need to surface in all of it's unbearable, endless-feeling, chaotic power, . . .and then attempt to meet that painful need with a small handful of grain?

The more I become aware of the amount of pain and need inside child parts, the more doubtful I am that there is a way to meet their needs or undo the damage the past has caused.

I feel ashamed all the time about how much I need from you. And believe it or not, I use every ounce of self-control not to be selfish, demanding, or manipulative. I hate it when child parts slip out of my control and say or do things that cause problems in our relationship. Just like my dad did, I yell at them for bothering you, just as he yelled at me for bothering my mom. I try to keep their needs away, or address them myself if I can. But in my heart, I think they need more than you, I, or any human can give them. I never stop feeling ashamed for how much pain and need they have.

I don't want to burden you with them. I don't want to burden anyone. I don't even want to be burdened with my own damaged parts.

I don't know where to go from here.


No reply needed.

[gayleggg]

I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I don't. I can only tell you how sorry I am that you are suffering so much. You sound tired. Maybe you should rest for a while and gather strength to take another look inside. You have to care for your body as well as your mind. Best wishes to you.

[Syra]

Thank you for sharing. You have articulated so well some feelings I have been feeling but hadn't yet figured out.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

[caseygirl]

I, too, wish I had some answers. My issues are similar with my T. Thinking of you. CG

[eskielover]

The one thing I have learned from life & from therapy is that the bottom line is RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. Things are what they are & we just have to accept them for what they are.....a skill we needed to start learning from the time we were children but given life's circumstances....it usually wasn't possible as the parents if we had them were usually more messed up in the first place otherwise learning how to deal with the things that life throws us would have been a natural process. I think there are a few lucky people in this world who had unbroken childhoods.

This is what I have learned through the DBT that I have gone through over the last 3 years along with other worthwhile skills. Learned that the neuropathways our brains built while growing up can be reprogrammed with lots of practice & hard work if we want them to.

Also understanding that the yellow brick road that leads back to yourself as the prize is a wonderful prize....but it takes learning how to self-validate to be able to see just what a valuable prize we are to ourselves....a lot more valuable than the original parents we wish we had had. We can learn how to take care of ourselves much better than some outsider (even if that outsider is our actual parent) because in reality as we are older....no one CAN know us better than ourselves if we are willing to get to know ourselves.

Just as children learn while growing up, we are able to learn new ways after we have grown up (just as strokes & brain injuries victims learn all over again). I know it's a lot harder to do when we are older because we are more aware of the work it takes & the length of time......but knowing it's possible & wanting to live a more healthy life.....it does all come down to our radically accepting life as it is & radically accepting the work that we have to do to make it work. Not easy....but the gains in the end are seriously worth it.

Just some thoughts I've had to work through with my therapy & the experiences I've had....knowing that each of us is unique

Originally Posted by peaches100

I need to share what I wrote to my t today. I'm at a painful crossroads. I don't want to be alone with this. . .

R,

Thanks for the honest feedback. I understand your points. I think I'm just out of motivation and feel hopeless. I've tried so hard to get better, and have improved in different areas. But not with child parts. I don't feel like even trying to heal those parts of me anymore.

I'm not retreating from you, the way I have in the past. I'm retreating from my own hopes that somehow my parents will change, or that it's possible to have the sort of relationship with you that I want/need, or that damaged child parts of me can be healed. I'm wondering if I should take what I've gained from therapy, cut my losses, and call it quits. Maybe I've come as far as I can go.

I don't think I can allow child parts to be present in our work without wanting more from our relationship than you can provide. If I let them out, they are so starving, they will want to gorge on our relationship like candy. They won't understand the limits and will run into them constantly. Then they will be hurt, cry, feel rejected, etc., just like they have done before. I understand that they need to learn, but they keep running into the brick wall and getting bloodied. I can't make them understand that their needs are TOO MUCH for you or for me - just like they were TOO MUCH for my mom, for E., etc.

Child parts don't understand that you're not here to be a permanent parent. You're here to be a temporary teacher. I finally get it. But I don't want to tell child parts. It will be devastating to them. It's so much less than they need and have hoped for all these decades. It takes loads of acceptance, even for the adult part of me. I've had so much invested in our relationship.

Deep down inside, I think a part of me has always known that you didn't love me like a parent, that it wasn't possible, or even advised for the therapy relationship. But that hope kept me coming to see you. It kept me from facing the reality that I'm never going to get what I missed out on as a child. It kept me from throwing in the towel and giving up. I'm not sure I am strong enough to face all these realizations even now. I feel so much disappointment and so alone. I feel like I want to just crawl in a hole and die. I don't know if I can keep moving forward in our work.
.

This is great progress IMO... you are in a place in your journey where you have let yourself feel the love and acceptance that you missed out on in childhood through your relationship with your T. But now you are realizing that your T can't meet those things in a way that is going to go into the past and fix things...

Progress is made at the point you are at... its the point of grieving.... grieving the things you didn't get as a child...grieving the loss of things we didn't get...

But the hope and healing comes when we realize okay so these are the needs that we have... we can't go into the past and have a parent fill them but we can fill them in someways for ourselves and we can develop relationships where we can ask for the things we need... and have adult relationships that affirm us and support us and love us...

We can from this point of seeing our losses and our neediness...realize the defense mechanisms and styles of relating that we have used to protect ourselves or to "manipulate" others into trying to meet these needs and so we can develop healthier ways of relating and make healthier relationships

That is the cross roads that I see IME... will you retreat or will you push forward and start grieving and accepting those things you have lost in childhood and find the ways to get those met as an adult...

I hope you don't give up

[Asiablue]

I think the fact that you are losing the hope that T could ever be anything else to you other than a Therapist is actually a good thing. It's a good thing losing that hope because it leaves room something far more precious and needed and that is grieving. The hope you have has kept you from acknowledging the full reality of your painful situation and therefore stopped you properly grieving the loss of the "good enough mother." The loss of hope is actually you transitioning into a new phase of your therapy.
It's the stage i'm at too. I recently went thru the same realisations as you, and i can actually say that i have found a little bit of peace in not chasing that dream anymore. It actually doesn't hurt as much as it used to. And the road that leads you back to yourself is going to be amazing, because by the time you get there you will be in full possession of yourself, it won't feel like a loss to get there and it just be you, it will feel like finally you have peace, finally there's no bitter disappointments when someone can't be the mother figure you want. You'll have control over yourself, there will be no more yearning for something out of reach. You ARE the prize.

[unaluna]

I would be interested in your ts reply. I like your parallel between your father's saying you're too needy, and your feeling that therefore your t must be saying it also - i wonder if that is accurate, or if you are cutting off the need before she complains? This stuff is so illusory, almost imaginary - but it IS how we see the world.

Peaches, your email is poignant, but I also see a lot of hope between the lines.

Everything Readytostop and Asiablue said is very true, in my opinion. The moment you see things realistically is a pivotal moment of change. Lots of us hold out in fantasy and hopes, or maybe un/consciously wish to be rescued, but really, that perspective only holds you back. The longer one holds out hope, the longer your healing is drawn out.

Have you ever noticed in books or stories that people who overcome major adversity and transformation and achieve the state of being content often recollect hitting 'rock bottom' right before things picked up for them? Everyone has a breaking point, a point after which you build a new sense of self. The old must be torn down to build anew.

I know this is something you'll probably have to realize in your own time, but I wanted to let you know that I truly think things will get better for you.

Therapy can really be a Pandora's box at letting the needs out, but you cannot deal with them/accept them until they are out of the box in the first place. It will happen for you too.

[elaygee]

I just wanted to let you know I empathize with this. I feel like this is exactly where I am too. With my inner kids needing so much and T having limits. I just wanted to offer hugs. Its soo hard. I wish you peace.

[feralkittymom]

I can hear the confusion and palpable pain in your words. I tend to agree with Ready here, that this is a pivotal moment for you, but I don't think it is about abandoning hope and shutting down your needs or turning away from your T.

If I can refer to your words on Crimson's transference thread:

Well, when I pull back, my t says that I am finding a way to distance from her because I am afraid she will hurt me. (Well, yeah, if I have pushed too hard for her help and been told she is too busy or made to wait for a couple of days to get a reply, then I DO feel hurt, even when I know that I am probably expecting too much from her!) My pulling away from her enough to disconnect the part of me that needs her too much is all I know of to do when my needs start messing up the therapy relationship.

So, I pull back. Then over time, my t coaxes child parts to engage with her again. But if I let up control of them, again they want too much from t. She can't respond as quickly as I need her, and then I feel hurt and rejected. Then, pull back again.

This is horribly painful, and I really am tempted at this point to keep any child-like parts of me that desperately want my t to be like a mom to me AWAY from the therapy room. Those needs are too great for my t to fill, or for anybody to fill. Over and over, I've tried to find somebody who would care about me enough to want to have a close relationship with me that could help provide what I never got from my mom. But it never has worked out. Not even when someone insists that they care alot and will never abandon me. In time, my needs become too much for them, they get tired of feeling like they have to "hold me up," or find out that the things they tried to do to help me didn't work. So they cut loose and drop me.

Well, t has said she would not do that. And so far, she hasn't. But still, it just doesn't work to try to get help from her for those parts of me that never had a close relationship with my mom, and feel so much pain because of it. It's like trying to fill the Grand Canyon one a teaspoon full of dirt at a time. It can't be done. It's too much work. And I fear that this is true also for my t.

I think you clearly grasp here that this is your struggle, rather than your T's reality about you or your relationship. I believe that the only way past this is through this, and it appears your T (after 10 years) is willing and able. Protecting yourself from the pain isn't the same as healing it, and feeling pain doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong in therapy. I hope you don't choose to shut down your needs out of fear under the guise of reasonableness.

Your email brought tears to my eyes. You articulate what I struggle to say.

Its clear your really hurting right now, I hope you find a way through this. Trust the process. Maybe one day you will be able to give yourselves what your Mother never gave you as a child.

[elliemay]

I know this hurts, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's a normal part of the grieving process. No your parents weren't and no your therapist can't.

It's up to you now to make a life.

The way you approach the next phase will dictate the rest of your life in my opinion.

You can think of this as a really really good thing! A blank slate, a new maturity, and wisdom about your own efficacy and power in your life.

OR

It can collapse you into what never was. This choice, also in my opinion, is pretty much a death in life.

My vote? (should be obvious) Don't collapse. Grab the wheel of your own life and drive it like you stole it!

There are so many wonderful things in this life, so much love and hope to be had. Try not to focus on what you don't have (it's blinders) and LOOK, pay attention.

Be humble, grateful, and determined for what you do!

Life has its ups and downs, but overall, it's pretty freakin' awesome.

Go for it!

ETA: I know it may be tempting to say that you are just not ready for that step or I can't. However, that clock is ticking. The days of your life are numbered. Do you really want to spend it this way? You don't have to. It's controversial around here, but I contend, and will always do so, that you have a choice. Choose to live.

[ShrinkPatient]

Wow.

I know every feeling you described. I feel the exact same way about my T. I never got to attach to any parental figures and didn't really attach to my spouse.
I have resisted attachment to my T and go back and forth distancing myself from her. Currently, I am growing closer to her because I've never felt such happiness and affection before. However, it is somewhat overshadowed with the fact that I know I will suffer a great amount of pain over allowing myself this temporary happiness. The fact of the matter is that I'm more used to dealing with rejection and pain and it will just be par for the course anyway, inevitable. I'm not accustomed to feeling cared about and attached. For now, I I'm willing to enjoy what she's offered. I don't know how long I'll be willing to do this. I don't know how healthy it is for me to embrace this temporary attachment. I just know that I want it right now.
I fully respect and understand your being in a different place then I am. I have even been where you are. I know that pain well and it's all consuming. My only advice is to be brave, hang in there and be kind to yourself! You are not alone.

[ShrinkPatient]

Wow.

I know every feeling you described. I feel the exact same way about my T. I never got to attach to any parental figures and didn't really attach to my spouse.
I have resisted attachment to my T and go back and forth distancing myself from her. Currently, I am growing closer to her because I've never felt such happiness and affection before. However, it is somewhat overshadowed with the fact that I know I will suffer a great amount of pain over allowing myself this temporary happiness. The fact of the matter is that I'm more used to dealing with rejection and pain and it will just be par for the course anyway, inevitable. I'm not accustomed to feeling cared about and attached. For now, I I'm willing to enjoy what she's offered. I don't know how long I'll be willing to do this. I don't know how healthy it is for me to embrace this temporary attachment. I just know that I want it right now.
I fully respect and understand your being in a different place then I am. I have even been where you are. I know that pain we'll and it's all consuming. My only advice is to be brave, hang in there and be kind to yourself! You are not alone.

[Petra5ed]

I totally get this feeling, and think you might be in a better place than you think as well. By being attached and dependent you can allow those child parts to finally come out and be recognized so you can mourn properly what it sounds like you haven't had, a "real" parent showing unconditional love. Don't forget that when you shut the door on emotions and don't let them out they get stronger and stronger. By undamming the well of regressive hurt and need, you might in fact lessen its intensity. I do have to agree with you though, life will always mean a degree of suffering, but that doesn't mean suffering to the point of hopelessness.

You are right that you can never be your T's child, but I do believe that it's possible they might love you. I'm not just speculating either, I've read a lot about this. For someone to show you the kind of attunement and empathy needed to create these strong attachment feelings it is most likely they do genuinely care about you. Love is an elusive word, you don't know, but even if it's not "love", just to be cared about means someone who's hurt by your pain and wishing for your every happiness. Not bad right?

Look for the marble of strength in your heart, the tiny voice with hope and all the past memories you have of happiness. That tiny voice is all you will need to start and a bit of courage, and one day what feels inadequate now might become enough, but depriving your need will only make it grow in power.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I don't. I can only tell you how sorry I am that you are suffering so much. You sound tired. Maybe you should rest for a while and gather strength to take another look inside. You have to care for your body as well as your mind. Best wishes to you.

Hi Gayleggg,

You're right. I AM tired. I've worked so hard in therapy for many years, and recently have been hit by several other stressful events such as my h's severe health problems, visit from the folks, coworker had a stroke and the resulting heavy workload that resulted, etc. I just feel pooped and drained of all energy and motivation.

I am supposed to see my t on Thursday and still haven't decided if I want to quit t. My h doesn't think I should. In my heart, I know I am not "finished," But now that all the unrealistic expectations of receiving the love and nurturing I didn't get have vanished, all I can see ahead is alot more hard work. I know that sounds childish, but it's how I feel. I try so hard to be strong and face things, but I so need somebody to lean on sometimes.

Also, I think my t forgets that since I have dissociation problems, it's harder for me to be strong and not lean on her when I get triggered into a regressed state. Normally, I'm fine with talking to her for 1 hour per week and then putting it all in a box until the following week. But if I get triggered, it's not so easy to open up and share all the buried pain and needs, etc., and then not let any of that spill over into the time between sessions. Waiting to hear from her under normal circumstances for a couple of days is no big deal. But when triggered an in crisis mode, it's 10 times harder. My t seems to forget this. If I get upset because I needed her support and had to wait 2 days, she says she is "confused about what you want from me since we had an agreement that if you email me and I'm busy, I will let you know and get back with you later."

It's for reasons like this that I have told my t many times in the past that I do NOT want to do any more therapy work with "child parts" of myself. She claims it is necessary for these parts of me to have voice and be heard, yet when I develop enough trust to open up and share those fears and needs (which really are child-like, and I'm ashamed enough just to let them show), she expects me to do this, and yet to maintain a balanced adult view of our relationship, with adult expectations, and the self-control of an adult not to expect those child-like needs to be met. I just don't think I can do this. The more we work with those parts of me that feel small and scared, and that hold my pain from the past, the more support I need from her, and the more I run into boundaries, such as when I need her outside the therapy hour.

I don't know what to do. I'm tempted to tell her I want to just stay in the DBT book and focus on how to cope as an adult in the here and now. And just live with the parts of myself that feel small, scared, helpless, and dysfunctional.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Syra

Thank you for sharing. You have articulated so well some feelings I have been feeling but hadn't yet figured out.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

Hi Syra,

Thanks for caring. It helps to know that I'm not totally nuts, and that there are other people who share this struggle.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by caseygirl

I, too, wish I had some answers. My issues are similar with my T. Thinking of you. CG

Hi Caseygirl,

I'm sorry that you have similiar issues with your t. It's very painful! For me, it's the biggest issue/hurdle to get past in my therapy.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by eskielover

The one thing I have learned from life & from therapy is that the bottom line is RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. Things are what they are & we just have to accept them for what they are.....a skill we needed to start learning from the time we were children but given life's circumstances....it usually wasn't possible as the parents if we had them were usually more messed up in the first place otherwise learning how to deal with the things that life throws us would have been a natural process. I think there are a few lucky people in this world who had unbroken childhoods.

This is what I have learned through the DBT that I have gone through over the last 3 years along with other worthwhile skills. Learned that the neuropathways our brains built while growing up can be reprogrammed with lots of practice & hard work if we want them to.

Also understanding that the yellow brick road that leads back to yourself as the prize is a wonderful prize....but it takes learning how to self-validate to be able to see just what a valuable prize we are to ourselves....a lot more valuable than the original parents we wish we had had. We can learn how to take care of ourselves much better than some outsider (even if that outsider is our actual parent) because in reality as we are older....no one CAN know us better than ourselves if we are willing to get to know ourselves.

Just as children learn while growing up, we are able to learn new ways after we have grown up (just as strokes & brain injuries victims learn all over again). I know it's a lot harder to do when we are older because we are more aware of the work it takes & the length of time......but knowing it's possible & wanting to live a more healthy life.....it does all come down to our radically accepting life as it is & radically accepting the work that we have to do to make it work. Not easy....but the gains in the end are seriously worth it.

Just some thoughts I've had to work through with my therapy & the experiences I've had....knowing that each of us is unique

Hi Eskielover,

Thanks for spending the time to share your experience. I'm so glad to hear that you have reached a point where you have been able to let go of your previous hope for a loving parental relationship and have been able to self-validate and learn to be your own parent and supporter. I know this is what I need to accomplish as well. I just honestly don't know if I can get there.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

This is great progress IMO... you are in a place in your journey where you have let yourself feel the love and acceptance that you missed out on in childhood through your relationship with your T. But now you are realizing that your T can't meet those things in a way that is going to go into the past and fix things...

Progress is made at the point you are at... its the point of grieving.... grieving the things you didn't get as a child...grieving the loss of things we didn't get...

But the hope and healing comes when we realize okay so these are the needs that we have... we can't go into the past and have a parent fill them but we can fill them in someways for ourselves and we can develop relationships where we can ask for the things we need... and have adult relationships that affirm us and support us and love us...

We can from this point of seeing our losses and our neediness...realize the defense mechanisms and styles of relating that we have used to protect ourselves or to "manipulate" others into trying to meet these needs and so we can develop healthier ways of relating and make healthier relationships

That is the cross roads that I see IME... will you retreat or will you push forward and start grieving and accepting those things you have lost in childhood and find the ways to get those met as an adult...

I hope you don't give up

Hi Readytostop,

You made a lot of good points. I don't think, though, that I have ever really let myself feel the love and acceptance of my t. I've always guarded myself against allowing myself to let any caring feelings come from her into me, because of my fear that I would end up being "too much" for her. In other words, knowing how deep my attachment wounds are and how desperate parts of me are for a parent-type figure to care about and nurture me, I have been too afraid to count on my t's caring words or actions. I've been too afraid of getting used to the good feelings, or of expecting too much from her and then getting hurt. I also have not wanted to get used ot having her help because I know I will lose her in the end anyway at termination.

Because of this, whenever I've allowed myself to feel cared for or nurtured by her, I end up stepping back out of fear. She keeps insisting that I can share those child like parts of myself and they will not be "too much" for her. But when I do have a weak moment and need her help more than she can provide, I run painfully into the limitations of the relationship ("I'm too busy right now. I'll get back to you." This then makes me even more resistant to allowing myself to feel attached. Because as soon as I start showing those weaker, needier parts of me, I find out that my needs really are "too much," in the sense that she can't be there for me as much as I need her to be.

I just am lost about what to do,

[Leah123]

Have you considered finding a new therapist to do DBT and work with regressed/childish parts who will offer you more support? I and some others on PC do have therapists with more availability who will respond quickly between sessions and engage more deeply. I also do two sessions a week which helps a lot. My therapist refers to therapy as a re-parenting experience in some cases, and was in that type of therapy herself. She understands about meeting clients "where they are" meaning sometimes we benefit greatly from more attentiveness on the path to healing.

P.S. Just read your post about being "too much" a huge fear of mine. I find writing to my therapist between sessions so helpful and she's always encouraged it and assured me I will never be too much. I didn't believe her for a long time, but it's been 10 months of frequent contact now and I'm really starting to trust that she will stick around for me and not be overwhelmed. It's a pretty life-changing experience!

I think my therapist sees too, I'm not stuck in neutral, just reaching out all the time and being helpless- rather, by relying on her more, I make much faster progress, am doing the work and seeing the results, so I think we both find it gratifying.

I do hope you find just what you need.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

This is great progress IMO... you are in a place in your journey where you have let yourself feel the love and acceptance that you missed out on in childhood through your relationship with your T. But now you are realizing that your T can't meet those things in a way that is going to go into the past and fix things...

Progress is made at the point you are at... its the point of grieving.... grieving the things you didn't get as a child...grieving the loss of things we didn't get...

But the hope and healing comes when we realize okay so these are the needs that we have... we can't go into the past and have a parent fill them but we can fill them in someways for ourselves and we can develop relationships where we can ask for the things we need... and have adult relationships that affirm us and support us and love us...

We can from this point of seeing our losses and our neediness...realize the defense mechanisms and styles of relating that we have used to protect ourselves or to "manipulate" others into trying to meet these needs and so we can develop healthier ways of relating and make healthier relationships

That is the cross roads that I see IME... will you retreat or will you push forward and start grieving and accepting those things you have lost in childhood and find the ways to get those met as an adult...

I hope you don't give up

Just a little more. . .When I think about learning to be my own good parent, I feel so incapable. I've pushed away painful feelings and experiences all my life. And when I start getting in touch with those parts of me that hold that pain, it is even "too much" for me to handle. I'm totally serious. I fear the pain I have inside, and when I do feel it, it's often so strong that it feels overwhelming to me just to endure it. Then afterwards, I feel completely exhaused both physically and mentally - as though just letting myself feel the emotions has completely done me in. I'm talking about completely drained, too tired to do anything but sleep, and even my whole body hurting with what feels like sore muscles. This is what I go through whenever I alllow those child parts of myself to show up and I get in touch with that old pain of the past.

How will I ever learn to tolerate my own pain and be my own good parent when I can't tolerate the pain and problems any better than my own mom did? She ignored it and pretended it wasn't there - and I find myself wanting to do the same thing. Because I feel that i genuinely cannot handle it.

When I think about having to handle all of that alone, I'm scared to death. i just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and never come out because it's the only way I feel safe.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by peaches100;349438 [COLOR="Red"

Then afterwards, I feel completely exhaused both physically and mentally - as though just letting myself feel the emotions has completely done me in.[/COLOR] I'm talking about completely drained, too tired to do anything but sleep, and even my whole body hurting with what feels like sore muscles. This is what I go through whenever I alllow those child parts of myself to show up and I get in touch with that old pain of the past.
(

Imagine how much more exhausting it is keeping it all in?

[unaluna]

I dont like her "im too busy right now". That needs to be talked about, at least. If she is giving a standard response all the time, then she is not doing her job, i think. But it needs to be negotiated, and i agree, you can find someone willing to meet those needs, if only for a while.