[HazelGirl]

I have a very good alliance with my T. But it is so painful in some ways. I feel a care and concern from her that I don't get anywhere else, and I have rejected it so many times from people (and from her) when they have tried to give it to me. And so whenever she says she is there for me, when she reassures me that she won't hurt me, and when she proves again and again that she is being honest and transparent, it hurts. It stands in contrast to all that I have experienced before, and shows me painfully what I have missed out on.

Previously, in order to avoid this, I would just pretend she wasn't really caring or I would get angry at her for showing that she cared. I avoided any signs of her commitment to me because it kept me distant from her. But now that I can't do that anymore, it just makes me hurt.

Has anyone else been where I'm at? I've talked to her a little tiny bit about it, and she says that it's a good thing. But it doesn't feel like a good thing! Am I missing something?

I could have written this post word for word... It is something I tried to avoid...and when I couldn't it felt painful and scary to me to so I bolted and ran numerous times from therapy (ie quit)....

I think its just something we need to allow ourselves to experience so that in the end it will feel like a good thing even though every alarm in my body was/is telling me to be careful...this is dangerous, etc... Its like we have to experience it and learn its not a bad thing and in order to do that its like we have to risk and step out into a very uncomfortable zone...

Don't do what I did.... stick it out...keeping talking to your T about your feelings..

[Freewilled]

Yes. I'm right there with you in fact, it may have been part of the reason I almost quit last week. It hurts me when he says he cares. It's more comfortable for me to do what I always do and doubt his sincerity in my mind. It feels like a big risk to really trust him with me. I imagine him thinking bad things about me.... I don't like the attention. I just want to hide but I can't and there he is being all nice. I don't like it! Why? Idk...maybe I just want him to be mean to me

[HazelGirl]

I do want to quit, quite often. But then that would mean walking away from her, and that is just as painful (or even moreso) than sticking it out. I also know it's not going to fix my problems to run away, and that the problem will just reappear in new situations.

But geez, it does scare me so much. And makes me so afraid that she will eventually get tired of me and my problems, and will hate me. She insists that I am not "too much" for her and that she doesn't struggle to think positively of me. But my past and my experiences make all this so much more difficult.

I am glad that I'm not the only one.

[Nightlight]

I feel like I can see what I missed without really having it to hold onto. It's the most painful thing in the world, even though it is often a positive and hopeful thing as well.

[A Red Panda]

Yep, I react badly to any sign from my T that he cares. He ended an email before saying that he was looking forward to the day we were meeing (I'd emailed about something I was upset over). And I responded to him saying that with "Can you STOP saying stuff like that? It's bulls***!"

I'm fully aware that for myself, when someone else starts to show they care, I then go "ok, fairly soon they're going to know me better and then they will stop caring and they'll leave" or "Ok, so this person cares... but it's because I'm fulfilling whatever role it is that they want me to be. When I can't live up to that, they're going to stop caring and leave"

I have absolutely no faith that someone will stay around.

So when someone starts showing any caring, I just want to bolt.

[HazelGirl]

ARP, yep! I get that completely!

[Syra]

Sometimes this transference stuff doesn't make sense to me. You guys have wonderufl Ts that make you feel valued and cared for. Why is it transference when you care for a T? and friendshp when it's not a T. Why can't you just like someone. But if it isn't always transference, what kind of system sets up a connection between two people that is designed to stop once you really understand and accept that you are loveable and worthy and a sign of health is to walk away from it. It's really hard.

[HazelGirl]

Syra, it is hard!

I am of the belief that we experience transference in most, if not all, of our relationships. They just have a fancy name for it in therapy. Part of our relationship to anyone is based on our past relationships, e.g. transference. Our attachment styles, our reactions, even our thoughts and opinions, are all based on the past. Part of the goal of therapy is to become aware of that influence and seek to understand and eliminate it if it is harmful.

It's not a bit deal if you had good patterns to base everything off of (like loving parents) because that transference is beneficial to your relationships. But it only becomes a problem and causes the pain you see above when that's not the case, and we have negative past experiences that are causing negative dynamics in a relationship.

...at least, that's how I understand it.

It does get easier.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Syra, it is hard!

I am of the belief that we experience transference in most, if not all, of our relationships. They just have a fancy name for it in therapy. Part of our relationship to anyone is based on our past relationships, e.g. transference. Our attachment styles, our reactions, even our thoughts and opinions, are all based on the past. Part of the goal of therapy is to become aware of that influence and seek to understand and eliminate it if it is harmful.

It's not a bit deal if you had good patterns to base everything off of (like loving parents) because that transference is beneficial to your relationships. But it only becomes a problem and causes the pain you see above when that's not the case, and we have negative past experiences that are causing negative dynamics in a relationship.

...at least, that's how I understand it.

That makes a lot of sense. And you say it so simply and clearly. Thank you. I have a new and better picture of it all now.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I am of the belief that we experience transference in most, if not all, of our relationships. They just have a fancy name for it in therapy. Part of our relationship to anyone is based on our past relationships, e.g. transference. Our attachment styles, our reactions, even our thoughts and opinions, are all based on the past. Part of the goal of therapy is to become aware of that influence and seek to understand and eliminate it if it is harmful.

It's not a bit deal if you had good patterns to base everything off of (like loving parents) because that transference is beneficial to your relationships. But it only becomes a problem and causes the pain you see above when that's not the case, and we have negative past experiences that are causing negative dynamics in a relationship.

...at least, that's how I understand it.

[quote=HazelGirl;3532835]

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Syra

That makes a lot of sense. And you say it so simply and clearly. Thank you. I have a new and better picture of it all now.

So glad it was helpful!

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I have a very good alliance with my T. But it is so painful in some ways. I feel a care and concern from her that I don't get anywhere else, and I have rejected it so many times from people (and from her) when they have tried to give it to me. And so whenever she says she is there for me, when she reassures me that she won't hurt me, and when she proves again and again that she is being honest and transparent, it hurts. It stands in contrast to all that I have experienced before, and shows me painfully what I have missed out on.

Previously, in order to avoid this, I would just pretend she wasn't really caring or I would get angry at her for showing that she cared. I avoided any signs of her commitment to me because it kept me distant from her. But now that I can't do that anymore, it just makes me hurt.

Has anyone else been where I'm at? I've talked to her a little tiny bit about it, and she says that it's a good thing. But it doesn't feel like a good thing! Am I missing something?

Wow! I could have written this too! This is just exactly the situation I have been in for the past six or so months. And mine says it's a good thing too - it might be - but it hurts and I can't see a way forward. Thank you all for your posts, this is a really helpful thread and it's good to know I'm not totally alone.