Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T
Just want to say I MISS YOU SO BAD!!!! I email you often telling you this. Been a week since last email though....You moving to a new agency that doesn't accept my insurance has me so sad. I know you agreed to meet with me for 1 day a month the next couple of months on your time after numerous sad emails.. But I want you to be paid praying your new company can accept my insurance and you can see me regular weekly again.... I know you are working in the school system but I need you too. You allow me to email... I told you I don't have expectations of you writing me back... But Your replies keep me going. The last hug I gave you last Saturday has sustained me but is wearing off. I need your reassurance again.

Dear T,

are you being a bad T on purpose so that I will quit therapy and leave you alone?

Dear T,

I need your reassurance this week. It means more to me coming from you than anyone else. Hope you can read my mind cause I won't be asking for it.

Dear Pdoc

I really like the pretty blue font you use when you reply to my emails. I'm never going to tell you this, because it sounds silly, but keep using that font colour, I like it.

Dear pdoc,
I don't trust you to fill out the disability paperwork with interest or care. I hope you did a good job but I'm scared of what you left out. You're an egoist and think you're always right because you are a lecturer. But I don't need a lecture like a student. You're not very good with patients.

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It is time for you to stop hiding behind your clip board and see that I am about to lose the battle.

I am not going to call you today. I will see you tomorrow, and that will be enough. And you will be happy for me for dealing with this on my own and not needing you. And I will be happy that you're happy for me, but also sad that I'm not allowed to need you.

Dear T,thank you for last weeks session... I appreciate it!

Buttt...now I'm really paranoid this week and I don't know how to come in and act like everything is swell and dandy. I want to runaway and leave,I feel like I'm just a bother

Dear T,

Um....I woke up today. Woke up from the nightmare I've been living for the past 4+ days in what I'm thinking may have been an "emotional flashback." I wonder if you knew that last week when I came in so out of sorts and basically lost. Panic-stricken, confused, terrified and freaking out - with little ability to speak coherently...I think I realize now why I've been asking you for more explanation, more structure. I think because I've been coping ineffectively with trauma responses that, themselves, cause deep shame and fear, especially when I experience them in front of you.

I SO appreciate your caring, warmth, and soft-spoken presence. You've been amazing in your consistency. You're ability to challenge me is appreciated, too. I just need you to tell me I'm not a lost cause. I need you to tell me how to manage these horrible whatever-they-ares....and to tell me explicitly what they are in the first place. I need you to be more psychoeducational about what all is going on with me.

Maybe you don't realize I don't know wtf is going on half the time. Maybe you assume I know I have a serious issue that doesn't come from me being "bad" or a "horrible" person. I really don't know how else I could've expressed these fears to you. I feel like I've tried over and over again. I've acted them out unintentionally, even.

I like you. I just need to be told I'm ok as a human being and that there are just issues I have right now. And that you don't think badly of me because of them. Maybe you thought that went without saying? Maybe you DID say that but I missed it because I was so dissociated I couldn't take it in. Man, T. I don't know....

i thought my t was doing this once and i even asked her if she was and she totally denied it but i still have my suspicions!!

Dear T,
I'm scared to see you tomorrow. I want to talk about how I felt after I called you but I'm ashamed.

i miss You

Dearest T.

I miss you. Lots.
I had a terrible nightmare last night, In which you died. You knew you were dying and told me that you were. I cant remember the rest of it, but I woke at 3am crying my eyes out.
Your texts are reassuring me though, thanks Its not long till Monday, and I cant wait to see you again.
I think I may bring you something to celebrate. A cupcake maybe.
HT.

I wasted yesterday's session. I had so much to talk about, but I didn't bring any of it up. And instead we talked about a whole lot of nothing. I feel so guilty. I want to ask you some things, and I want to tell you about some things. And I did none of it. So stupid of me. And now I need to either text you and tell you all this, or wait a week. Ugh.

Dear T
please read my mind. Its easier than me having to use words

I really want a hug!

Thanks for listening to me. I feel so much better today. I wish I had another session because I'm happy with the progress we made today. No tears. I did hold back a little but I'm feeling great!

Hopefully, our solution to this problem will end up working out.

Dearest T,

You disappointed me today.

Why am I surprised?

Dear T,
I'm sorry for my behaviour last week. Please don't give up on me.

Dear T: I don't know what to say. I messed up. Don't be too hard on me okay. I feel so stupid.

Dear T,
The last time you went on vacation, that night an incident happened that caused me suicidal, and in crisis mode.

You went away today, and a situation happened that is causing me now, in crisis mode.

Is your going away a bad omen?

I'm f'in furious.

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Dear T(er, um, PDoc),

Ok, maybe, your suggestion, last year, brought me out of my comfort zone, but it left me a little more open to possibilities. That said, my kids absolutely adore this man, viceversa...me, too

Thanks,
Me

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T.

Just say it; you think I have a personality disorder but confirming it would apparently make me worse.

Dear T,

I met your blonde doppelgänger this past weekend. She was nice and the fact that she reminded me of you made me smile.

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