Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

C,

I can't do this anymore. You remind me of the psychiatrists who misdiagnosed and traumatized me. After all you have done to show me that you are not like the others I cannot get past my traumatic psychiatric past to see you for who you really are.

Didgee

Pdoc,

Please don't move!!! I trust you. I know I'm depressed but please don't do a med change.

LCM,

Part of me likes being a physically large person because I feel like I'm not a target and that people won't mess with me. Part of me wishes I looked more effeminate. And another part of me wishes I were a lot smaller so I could cry on your shoulder and fall asleep in your arms. It's probably for the best that it isn't physically completely possible. I wish you would adopt me and save me from the nightmare of my own "family".

Dear Pdoc

I think I need more sessions than I'm getting at the moment. I know some of that is because of moving clinics, and you've got like umpteen dozen other patients and responsibilities, and my gods do you even sleep? But I'd like a steady 2 week system set up at least until I'm more stable. And please don't suggest you get me into see an extra T or Pdoc so I can get more sessions if you're not available, because I don't think I could go through learning to trust someone else. It took me long enough with you, and I liked you right from the start.

My recent escapades back and forth to urgent care made me realize that I almost want to be sick or hurt just to get care and attention. Super unhealthy , right?
Two T's, my bookends of support, what do I do about this sad trait of mine? I wish I could get care without having a raging infected wound.

Dear T,

Sometimes I think we talk too much about our T "relationship." Seriously. I mean, I just need to buck up and trust you. You say you don't give me much to go on and that is purposeful. Humph. I think I don't get the purpose. I flail around and then get all focused on you. And I don't care to be so focused on you. I'm tired of you, T! No offense but I am....

Hey T,

Thanks for booking an appointment with the new pdoc at a time where I won't have to take time off work - I really appreciate that and that you know I have a lot of anxiety over doing that. And thank you for asking for permission to talk to the pdoc if I have trouble doing it: it showed me, more than anything, that you DO actually remember things about me and clearly remembered how little I said both times I saw the last pdoc.

And finally... thank you for deciding to learn some psychodynamic theories with me. I find it interesting how you and your coworkers all have such different approaches to therapy, as you've mentioned some other things that you other coworkers focus on. I also feel guilty that you're trying to learn new things for me... but at the same time, I suppose I'm helping you grow and can view this as something I'm helping to teach you - which makes it a lot easier for me, actually. I'm used to the teaching role. And I promise, I will do my best to not laugh and if I do I will tell you what made me laugh!

Hey at least your happy.

I had a pretty rough session the other day, so it's nice that I'm feeling happier with him. I wasn't sure if I was even going to go back. I wouldn't say that I'm "happy" but I'm glad that things are getting easier with my T.

Dear T,

Thank you for offering me a phone check in on Monday.

Please don't be mad at me.

Please, please don't leave me.

Dear T
I feel weird about our relationship. No rupture, no problems. Just feeling weirdness.

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Dear T I feel so ashamed... embarrassed... whatever other words mean the same thing... knowing it's maternal transference and even understanding WHY it's happening right now doesn't make it any easier. It's going to be so hard to face you on Tuesday. Thank goodness it's only on the phone. If I had to sit in front of you in your office I would expire on the spot I am sure. I don't know that I am going to be able to speak I feel so stupid.

Dear T,

I am really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow

Dear T,
Me too,to seeing you tomorrow.

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Really anxious about seeing you this week and telling you about these attachment feelings..

I didn't expect this to happen, and it came on so suddenly. It's kind of scary for me right now..

Dear T,

Ok. This transference thing hurts so ****ing badly. I hate it. I am crying tonite thinking about how our time is probably coming to an end. Why is it coming to an end in my mind? Well.....just cause my mind likes to wander over there, or better yet, drag me kicking and screaming into the worst possible outcomes.

You know what sucks? That it shouldn't matter so much, T. Your usual caring demeanor is nice but it shouldn't be so important to me. I mean, i pay you to see me. I know this is most likely reflecting my childhood **** but you know what? I don't think this pain will ever end when I picture it being related to other people from the past! I think with you, I imagine it could somehow get "fixed" but the past is the past.

Ugh. I have to give you up, don't I? And how do I do that? And how do I get better? And how do I trust you enough to move forward in the process when I don't know your next move? And why don't you give me more to go on?

My heart hurts, T. I wish I was stronger...

Dear T -
I wish we were meeting sooner this week. I think I kinda see the point in what we were talking about last time, and I want to finish that conversation NOW. I don't want to wait another week.

Dear T,

It's not over. You will have to answer for the terrible hurt you've caused me. For ruining my reputation, for ruining friendships, for ruining the remaining years of my life. How could you do this to me? I've been asking myself this for the last 10 months. That's right 10 MONTHS!! of my life ruined. Not to mention what's to come. But all that matters is that YOU are protected. Isn't that right? To heck with me! You have shown your true colors and I am sick over it.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME AND WALK AWAY??

Dear T,

You have responded to every single one of my emails over the course of 8 months. I know you read them, too. So why is it still so hard to trust you? I'm always on edge waiting for your response, no matter how short. Even a "thanks for sending along your thoughts" soothes me. I hate being so dependent on you.

Dear T,

The fear of you terminating is holding me back from getting better.

Dear T,

I take it back.
And if we could just erase the last few sessions, that would be great.

Can I trust you?

T,
Tomorrow always seem so far.

I would like to erase all of mine from 2014.

YT,

Your question last week really brought up some really personal really difficult thing about me that I have a lot of shame about... Wish I knew how you would handle me talking about it.... What you would say...

I would need you to promise not to write it down in my notes...