Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,
Please please please be safe.

Dear T,

The email you sent me today (of absolutely no substance) made me feel SO good inside.

What is WRONG with me?

Dear T:

Would it kill you to send a little "I got your email, see you Monday" note? You reply to light emails, and I don't expect you to do therapy by email, an acknowledgement would be nice.

Jerk.

I don't really think you're a jerk, but I'm enjoying projecting all of my nerves about sending a sensitive email all over you. Much better than being a ball of nerves, at least for me.

-C

Ugh. I'm trying to not contact you because I'm uncomfortable. It's nothing that can't wait until Monday, but ugh...I don't even know how to explain why I am feeling the way I am, and why it is so difficult. But it has something to do with what you said about not going anywhere and my own insecurities that you will. It's like an inner war, and I don't know which side I am on. The side that says run away before things get any more difficult? Or the side that says that I can trust what you say? But I can't even form coherent thoughts surrounding this and why it's bringing me so much anxiety. I just don't know! It's so confusing.

Dear T,

Happy valentine's day. I have sent you some dirt in the mail.

cos that's what you are! Dirt!

Dear Pdoc,

Have I told you how blessed I am to have fallen into your skilled and caring hands? A few weeks ago you told me to never hesitate to call you, to always tell those gate-keepers at the answering service that my call is an emergency because you consider every call from me an emergency. You said I have never abused the privilege of calling, and I always know when I truly need help. You told me that even if you aren't the doctor on call, you have me on a short list with your associates that they should call you if I call regardless of when I have called in. That told me you respect me as an individual and a patient, and it really helps my confidence. Thank you for that.

This week I had to chuckle when you told me you were about to make a desperate move on your part. You are such a conservative physician. But you told me you knew I am desperate for relief from this depression, and you are desperate to find relief for me. You have gone out on a limb (in your mind) treatment-wise to help me, and that risk (in your professional mindset anyway) gives me just an inkling of hope in my very hopeless world.

Your brilliance and skill as a psychiatrist always impresses me and always gets me beyond the rough spots. Thank you for your caring hands.

Dear T,

I need help. Please help me. I feel like I'm screaming but there's a clear, sound-proof wall between us and you can't understand me or hear the intensity of this acute pain. And I can't hear you only that your mouth is moving. It's terrifying, isolating, angering and I just can't take it anymore. You said "you can always call me." But you don't understand that I don't know how to even begin. I struggle to express my feelings even to myself, let alone to another person. I don't want you to leave me but at the same time, I hate you for that. Can you stay with me when I'm so hostile? Can you help me? Please?

Thank you for reassuring me you will be here week after week. I think you were crying while I talked but I daren't look too closely. I felt a connection this week and I so desperately want to keep that feeling. It's such a push pull thing. I am so anxious about it. I don't ever want to stop seeing you but I know you can't be more to me than a person I pay to talk to each week. That makes me really sad. I love you. Xx

Dear T,

I am still so hurt that you chose her! You picked her over me of all people to support. I will never understand it myself. I trusted you wholeheartedly and instead of believing in me, of listening to me, you just fell for her plain and simple. You were sucked in to the other side.

Isn't that so sweet how you're covering up for each other. Or, is it more appropriately, that your each covering up for yourselves? There is no need for a cover up if you've done nothing wrong, is there?

Dear T, I still can't get over what that one little email you sent did to my whole thought process about therapy. After we talked I put in here about wanting to win a lottery so I could keep making appointments as long as I felt like it, because we had such a good appointment and did some great work. But then you sent that email reply that I read between the lines as telling me to stop emailing and it was like a spotlight came on over a huge exclamation point on an empty stage.... despite the things that you said that you should NOT have disclosed (go re-read your T manual re: countertransference, please!) I am and never will be nothing more than a paycheck to you. Yeah I know I'm being a brat. I thought I was long past feeling all butthurt about it. Sheesh. But one thing is abundantly clear to me and that is, you were right when you said you have become more like a mentor that it's not therapy anymore. So I need to let you go, T. Somehow, some way, it's time and I need to let you go.

Dear T,

Are you ready for the NHL break to end? Olympics are nice, just would rather watch the Black and Gold.

-Me

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

Dear T,

I've told you some scary stuff. I've trusted you in ways I didn't dream possible. The other night when I emailed you about the other puzzle piece (my phobia) was the hardest thing I've ever done. You still don't know what that phobia is and I suspect you might never. I don't know if I can face this with anyone. I worry I'll never get past it and that saddens me. I want one person on this earth to truly know me.

OK LADY, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME YESTERDAY????

Maybe Mr T has been too soft with me up until now, but this was only my second session with you and you've caused my first ever therapy "hangover"
I spent the whole rest of yesterday in a really deep funk.
I went to work this morning and people felt the need to ask if I was OK, you've obviously managed to shatter the happy mask and I am NOT happy about that.
Damnit my eyes actually started leaking in front of people, that is not something I'm comfortable with!
I am totally blaming you for this and I hate you for it - actually I think I'm happy to tell you this on Tuesday (I think you knew it was going to happen, otherwise you would have booked me in for my usual Friday slot)

The thing I can't tell you is I appreciate it, I like the challenge, in a weird way I like the pain.
Yeah, you're alright actually. But i'm not telling you that!

Dear T.

You will soon meet my h for the first time for a joint(?) session.

Now I've had time to think about it; I'm terrified what mask I'm supposed to wear; I'm so different with you then with my h.

Feeling nervous; this meeting was initially your idea; I think there is something I don't know.

Dear T,

I think it's very weird that things tend to go bad session good session bad session good session. I also know that I'm very repetitive in my insecurities and I'm sorry. You have been very patient and I appreciate it a lot, but I'm not very good at saying that.

Dear PDoc,

When is our next scheduled appointment? Med check fine, list of questions for your computer entry, fine...

But, um, feel like leaning my arm, on the arm of chair, and putting forehead, to palm of my hand again...

-me

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

Dear T,

Trust takes me time.....a long long long time. Do you have enough of it? Will you be able to bear with me? I can't believe I'm even asking you to do so - it feels like way too much to ask.....but I need it. And you tell me my needs are important so.....do you have the time to spare?? Please? If not, let me go.

I can't go through another failed relationship...especially with you.

Dear t. Im doing well. Thanks for all of your help. Went through a minor rough situation last night.But I was strong, and pulled through and it was rewarding. Not needing you so much and it feels good. Miss you, but doing ok. Thanks again.

I want you to hold my hand. I don't know why.

I won't tell you until I figure out why, and then I probably won't need it anymore?

Dear T,

Ditto what Freewilled said.

Dear T,

You have told me repeatedly that I am different from your other patients and that I intrigue you. Initially, your neverending curiosity about my life made me feel valued and made it easier for me to talk to you. Thank you for that. However, it's getting in the way now. I want to hold on to this "special status" so badly that I am afraid of opening up to you. If you could see me, the real and full me, I would lose my intrigue and become just another patient. I am afraid that you will get bored and "leave" me.

Seeing you is the highlight of my week. I am scared that anything less than your full attention would break me. Please don't pull back.

Dear T, I am feeling even more sure that what I last put here is correct that it is time for me to let you go. Not, "oh I'm taking a break" and leaving it open-ended but to let you go for reals this time. Yes, I know that I still have "stuff". But you know what T? I'm always gonna have "stuff". And you've helped me become equipped to deal with whatever "stuff" comes up. If I had unlimited finances, I wouldn't mind paying you to be my mentor - I enjoy talking with you, bouncing my ideas off you, sharing my inner work with you - but I am just not in a financial position to do that. It's not fair to my family. I did it when it was therapy because I still needed help and wasn't ready to "be out here" on my own w/out you. But that's changed T, you said it yourself, and I can't ask my family to sacrifice anymore just so I can have a mentor. Life doesn't work that way. And I am going to tell you this when we talk again in a week or so.

Dearest T,

I am worried, I hope you are OK and that the lump was as innocent as you'd hoped. Right now I am feeling like this --->
I had a dream last night, that you called me and said that you actually COULD make tomorrows session..but then I woke up and was like this ---->

*sigh*

Please get well soon, and I would appreciate a text.
HT.

Dear T,

So I've been thinking and mulling things over and I've decided that I must know why you chose to withhold from me last week. I feel that pretty much any way you answer it though, it will not fix things

If you say it was because of my disclosure the week before, I view that as a huge misinterpretation and grossly indicative of my fear all along: that you read into every little ****ing thing I say or don't say or my facial expressions to the nth degree. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, for lack of a better phrase. I am NOT a ****ing case study! I am a person with real feelings, real pain, a life and huge problems here!!!

If you deny it, it will prove you are full of ****. I will NOT believe you!

If you say it was because I was angry well....then I guess you cannot be with my level of rage. You should've told me that early on, T!

I just don't know what to do. I worry you will turn this on me. I worry you've tried to create a fake rupture which is manipulative, even if to help me. I call it bull ****!

And all this is making me doubt everything. I feel like you offered me that extra session as a ploy and I went against my better judgment and accepted it. I feel like I fell into your trap.

Look - I need someone to give a ****. That is all. I don't need power struggles and mind games. Why can't you just be up front with me? I won't break! Stop protecting me from myself, please!!