Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear Pdoc

I think I might have worked out why we get along so well - you're as off the wall as I am sometimes.

Dear Dr W:
Either you didn't read the email I sent you last week, or you read it and forgot about it. Either way, that tells me all I need to know. That basically invalidates therapy altogether. There is no "therapeutic relationship" and I'm not sure how therapy can work without one. It doesn't matter what you do during session - you could stand on your head. But if it ends at the end of session, then there is no relationship. What you do in session is purely manipulation, an act. Which is forgotten the minute the session is over. I won't send this email, beause I'm convinced it would be treated like the last one - either unread, or read and ignored. So .... I will sit with these feelings for the next 7 days. I could cancel our next session which would mean a 2-week break. Maybe that's a good idea. Or I can wait and bring it up in the next session. It really doesn't matter - the damage has been done.

I can see you not paying much attention to whiny emails that are asking for reassurance. But to express caring because you were upset over a suicide of a patient of yours, where you knew the family - all I did was to say how sorry I was that you had so much sorrow in your life right now, and that all I had to offer was a song, and I gave a link to that song. It was a brief note, from the heart.

I didn't expect a reply, and I said so, but when I brought it up in session, you didn't even remember the email? Really? It meant that little? Normal human beings at least acknowledge expressions of sympathy. That was all it was. Everything you say about intimacy and relationships is a lie if it does not exist between sessions.

I will sit with these feelings for a while, and either bring them in a week at our next session, or give myself a 2-week break to think about things. Either way, I only have myself to consider. Obviously, you don't give a rat's *** one way or the other.

Dear t,

Please read my email.
Please read in between the lines.
Please reply back to me.

Dear T,

I hate that the little things you do are such a big deal to me. Like signing your email today with "warmly". You never sign off like that, so I thought it must mean something, such as: R, I am not upset at you, even though you did something really stupid/wrong/bad.

Is it all in my head?

Dear T,

So.....I do appreciate the reassurance tonight. I don't appreciate the black and white thinking thing. I do appreciate you being open to my feedback. I don't appreciate the lack of structure. I do appreciate you bringing me back when I had started to drift away. I don't appreciate you basically admitting you wrap up your feelings in pleasantries to go easy on me I do appreciate you at least contemplating my request for you to maybe be a little more real about how you feel when appropriate, as I don't want your frustration to come out indirectly or all at once. I don't appreciate how you cover your mouth when I bring up a point that I truly believe we both know what I'm referring to, but you want to hide your response. I do appreciate your light response to my jokey comment at the end of the session. I BOTH do and don't appreciate you giving me notice ahead of time re: your time off.

Overall, today's session was positive with some things that could've been better, but I definitely can see how it could've been worse. And thanks for connecting with me.

So is that "gray" enough for you?

Dear T,

I would like to have a relationship with you. Please return my calls.

I remember an old song (ancient!) called "Little Things Mean a Lot". They do. Not always, but a lot of the time. Most T's are fairly limited in what they say in emails, and some refuse to send/reply unless it's purely business - a scheduling issue. So if a T wanted to express what you mentioned, they might do it subtlely and hope you get it. My T was once called as an expert witness in a court case involving a T who he knew. He said it was a huge, huge mess. He had to read all the emails, they were read in court, etc. So he never shows any kind of warmth in his emails because that's the type of thing that could be misinterpreted in a legal action.

Why not just enjoy the feeling that he/she was trying to communicate to you what you said? It's logical, and it was a nice thing to do if that was the case.

Because in my head, she is furious at me for something I did that was really, really stupid and bad and wrong and I should have known better. (In my head.) This email seems to contradict that. So I'm having difficulty deciding if she really isn't upset and is trying to reassure me or if I'm just seeing what I want to see in her email...

Dear T,

I don't know how to do this weeks homework. I don't know how I got through it. This has stirred up all the memories again and I can't sleep.

Did I do something wrong? Or are you just busy? Because if I did, I have no freaking clue what it was.

(Although I know the answer, I still worry all the time.)

Dear T,

I met you doppelgänger over the weekend. It was the strangest thing and I would be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued by her.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dear T,

Do you really want me to write you?

A part of me can't accept that you really enjoy hearing my convoluted thoughts week after week. It's weird because in the beginning it was so easy to write you 1-2 times a week, and then I just stopped. You've said "please please keep writing me" but...something in me just won't allow myself to do it anymore. Nights like these I feel so alone and wish that I could write you because even in just writing you it seems like you are with me, encouraging me and just loving me. But, I can't bring myself to tell you these things in email and I don't know why. You always reply; you always encourage more emails - I don't know where the block is. Anyways, thank you for being available to me even if I don't always take you up on the offer. I just hope my lack of participation doesn't cause you to take the offer away. Maybe that's what i'm really afraid of... I don't know.

Anyways, thank you for making me feel that even when I'm just thinking about you; you're along side me cheering me on in spirit.

Dear T,

Thanks for an awesome session yesterday. You rock!! It felt so wonderful to see and talk with you again. See you Monday.

Melisssad81

Dear Ex Therapist,

Sorry, but don't be surprised when you get a call from me later today. I need you to go on PC with me and help me navigate again, so that I can get whatever's. I just don't get it. I really do need to label myself. I think it's Aspergers.

Dear T

I feel safe again I feel reassured that you are healthy I am really looking forward to seeing you on Monday, it has been a long 2 weeks!

Dear Ex

You can forget about the above. I'm good. I want to use being sick to go back to old comfortable bad ways to take care of me. I won't. Use my tools. I am.

Thank you,
GTGT

You know I obsessively watch every little thing you do and say for signs of rejection, right? I am convinced that eventually, the other shoe will drop and you will abandon me. And yesterday, you weren't there in the way you normally are. I know you were probably just busy, but in my mind, things don't work that way. I know that's not fair to you, and extremely selfish of me, but you definitely weren't responding in the ways you normally do. I had a really hard day, and you felt very distant. I feel so stupid for feeling like this because I know you better than that. But I still feel like I have been abandoned, so on top of a difficult day, I don't feel like I can really rely on you now. *Sigh* I wish I was more fair and rational when it comes to my relationships.

Dear t,

You did it.

You told me no and didn't offer a extra appointment.

I just want to run from you, you always say I don't ask for help; this is why - you have rejected my request with no explanation. I feel lost and upset with you all over again.

Dear T,

. . . . . .

, Teal

YT,

I really really want to talk about what is so horrible about myself but its so hard... so much shame and truthfully nothing anyone can do about it... so whats the point

Dear Ex-T,

God I miss you so freakin' much. I think you are the only one who has every truly understood me. My two current Ts do not a "you" make...

Dear x-pdoc,

So I sent you letter I have been debating for months about asking you to take me on as a patient but only after you open your mind, receive current info about my work and progress, and meet with me. So we shall see how this goes I really try to forget that I sent the letter because I get a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions about it. Anyway, hope you truly consider what I have to say in the letter.

Melisssad81

I talked to you about feeling like you're annoyed or frustrated today, and you insist I'm a "joy" to work with. But that's confusing for me (like every positive thing you say to me is) because you hear about and see the worst of me. There's no way you should find that a "joyful" task. How can you see me in that way, after seeing all the yuck inside? After hearing about how afraid I am all the time? After hearing about the abuse and the lingering effects? After hearing my mistrust of you and of everyone else who is kind to me? After seeing the depression and the anxiety and the panic and the constant avoidance of difficult things? How can any of that be a joy? It doesn't make sense to me. I'm sorry. I know you want me to accept the things you say about me. But I just can't, not about this.

Something really horrible happened to me tonight. I have not been this upset in a very long time. I will not call you, for I would be crossing boundaries. This is why I have friends. I realize now you are really not there for me.

Dear T,

Are you real?