Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear psychoD Therapist,

You are a fantastic director!

Dear T2,

I hope you are ok in all this snow and ice. I hate winter.

I really want to make an extra appointment this week with you before my appt next Wednesday... But because of what's happening next Thursday, I'm scared I might need an extra appointment with you that week too.

That would mean 2 regular sessions, and 2 emergency sessions in 2 weeks. That's a lot... And I think you'd be tired of me if I did that.

But I need a lot of support.

:|

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Main T-- I missed my session from oversleeping!! I almost never do that!!! So sorry!!!!!!!! But it would help if i didn't have to phone you at 5am my time

CBT T- don't push me too far too fast. last session knocked me out/made me exhausted

Dear T,

It would be a lot easier for me to pull myself out of this hole I dug if you would give me a hand up instead of waving from up there.

You will have to answer for your actions! YOU WERE WRONG TO HURT ME!!!

You said it's up to me to end therapy and that you would never kick me out, but what do you mean by that? What if I get annoying? What if I stop improving, but can't bring myself to leave? What if I do something wrong and you hate me? Are you really serious about not leaving? Are you really willing to commit to me without knowing what the future will bring? That's literally unfathomable to me. How can you know whether you will start to dislike me and want me gone? What if I get to be too overwhelming and you stop caring? I am not used to this, and I don't really know how to handle it.

As long as you continue to see her you continue to stab me in the back. How could you ever excuse yourself for telling her my business?? I barely said hello to her, I told you I didn't like her and vice versa and you took it upon yourself to tell her things I never told my closest friends. What made you think you could trust her?? Can't you think outside the box?? She has embarrassed and humiliated me with the information you gave her. Don't you see that you are feeding her desires to hurt me? Is that what you want? Do you condone her behavior? Don't you care about me at all? Are you just like her??

You violated my confidentiality and will not get away with it. You better STOP this nonsense!! You have BOTH hurt me more than anyone in my life and YOU BOTH continue to do so! This has gone on long enough. STOP HURTING ME!! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!

Dear Therapist,

Why couldn't you just be there for me?

Dear T,

Why did you choose her over me? I want to hear that story. Maybe you should start working up your excuses for that one now. I really don't think anything you come up with will be believable. I know why, it's obvious and if you won't admit the truth then you're in denial.

Dear T,
Thank you for the emergency session tomorrow. I feel like I'm treading water here,counting down till life change at the end of the month. Then there's the risk of losing my part time job at one of my two jobs.

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Dear T,

Ever just wonder about the people you work with? Not you, singularly, but you plural, as in philosophically speaking?

Ever wonder, why people tick and tock, the way that they do?

Ever make you, rub your chin, in wonderment?

Sometimes, then there's the body language of grabbing at one's tie, or for women, figurative tie.

Ever wonder about what happens to souls, if they even exist, in the End?

Because, people never cease to leave me, scratching my head...

-Me

Dear x-pdoc,

I see T in a week and shortly after that session you will receive a letter to consider the possibility of being my pdoc again...BUT before that happens I want you to do the reasonable things I ask in the letter. It is the ONLY way you can make an informed decision with CURRENT information. I don't what you will actually do but I really hope you follow through on the things I ask of you...I think you will be pleasantly surprised!

Thanks,
Melisssad81

Dear T,
I didn't listen to you... You've told me that you advise me to not make a "bad-thing" timeline but that you cannot tell me not to do that... You said, that we'll do it together... I took it as a challenge... I cannot do that? Really? No, I can and I'll be fine with it...
You were right... Today I was in hell, I even cannot write you what I did and what I wanted to do and probably I won't tell you this next time when we meet... In 2 weeks I'll probably be in a different mood and how could I admint that I struggle so much? I should make a progress, right? Okay, I know - we've had only 3 sessions till now but I really want to be this amazing, progressing client I told myself that this time I won't have any crisis and that I won't send you any e-mail, so at least the second thing I should achieve...

Dear T,

thanks for the text when you got home, I hope the op went well and that you recover quickly. I hope you are well enough to see me on Monday...we'll have to wait and see.

Also, in our last session I was quite miffed that you cut me off mid-sentence to draw my attention to something out of the window. I was trying to talk about something important.

HT.

Dear T,

I hate that I can't read you or understand your thought process. I think you're still very new at your job.. But I think you could be a bit more compassionate.

Dear T,

Thanks. You're the bomb. You're the bee's knees. You're the cat's pyjamas. You're all that and the Frito Lay factory.
Take it Cole Porter...

Dear T,

I am annoyed with you and even though I'm not really interested in seeing you tomorrow,I'll be there...maybe raging and screaming,or cry and paranoid...but I'll be there.

Dear T:

I don't care if you get sick of me. I'm tired of this. I know you don't have to keep seeing me so why do you anyways?? I can't be a good client. I can't even barely do anything anymore. You can't fix this and I don't even care really. I just don't know wtf you want from me. You say "I just want to give you what you need." I don't ****ing know what you mean and I don't ****ing know how to tell you that.

I'm sick and tired of everything and I just want to sleep forever.

I'm mad at you for being there. I'm mad at you for caring. I'm mad at you because I imagine you only will care for a little bit longer and I can't predict when it will run out. I'm mad at you for not shaking my hand tonight. I'm mad at you for shaking my hand every week like clockwork. I'm mad at you for looking at me with compassion. I'm mad at you for seeing my pain even when I straight out refuse to see it. Im mad at you for how you seem to see right through me. I'm mad at you for being so ****ing gentle and caring with me like you were tonight while I raged inside. I'm mad at you for being a therapist. I'm mad at you for being ok. I'm mad at you for everything.

Sincerely,
Freewilled

Something I want your input about, I need your perspective/insight/wisdom. I feel like you'll be able to understand my motivations and know what the right thing to do is. I don't trust my own judgement. It's all whirling around my head, so of course I feel impatient to talk to you, get some clarity... But I guess it can wait until next week. X

Dear T,

I apologise for throwing your cash at you. I'll never forget the image of the wad of money hitting you square in the middle of the forehead and bursting open.

I don't think you could have left me in worse condition than you did. Why would you do that to me?

Dear T,

Thank you so much for reading that book. I was really worried that you weren't going to learn how to deal with me. I got the audio book version last night so I could listen to it at work. I hope you don't expect me to match it exactly, but I think you are smart enough not to.

You started by saying you wanted to go over the assessment again, but asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about, and I did but I couldn't put it into words. I guess this is why I don't say much. You said we'd come back to it, but we never did. I appreciate your interest, but I hope the assessment never comes out again. We seem to have repeated the same thing every session since Christmas and it's starting to bother me. I was really looking forward to talking about something else this week. I hope I can mention it when I see you next.

Dear T,

I hope you are doing OK. I don't want to text you because I shouldn't, but I want to know if you are OK.
I hope I can see you on Monday, I have a cold so not sure its wise to infect you with my germs so soon after your op.
I have had enough.

EDIT- Dear T, I seriously now think that you read what I post on here! No sooner had I posted this, and you text me! This is happening quite frequently now, its freaking me out!

T,
Please write back.