Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,

Your outfits amuse me. It looked like you were wearing a curtain today.

Dear T: I didn't tell you everything in that email this morning. There's one more piece to it that I am waiting to tell you in person (well, as in person as we can be on the phone!) and that is that I realize the profound experience I had on Sunday would never have happened if not for you - for all of the work that we did together and the work that you taught me how to do on my own - and I appreciate you so very very much.

Dear main T-
Thanks for not leaving me.

Insurance co people-

Y'all still suck

I hope you weren't frustrated with our appointment yesterday. I really enjoyed it, even though we didn't do much in the way of "real" work. I wanted to talk about my trip and about all I learned, and I'm glad that's what we did. I didn't want to do trauma work right after coming back from vacation. I'm still on a "high" so let's wait until that goes away, okay?

Dear T,

another day of not texting you. I wish it were getting easier, but its not. Never mind, its my decision to do it so I shouldn't be moaning.
I have written you a letter and I think I might bring it with me at our next session. I am not sure if that's a good idea, or if I am brave enough, but its something to consider.

Dear Ex-T:

I thought you had more integrity than to just quit and not tell me. You know I have abondonment issues...You feigned making an appt w/ me today....you KNEW you WOULD NOT BE THERE. WTF???? This makes me question everything you have said, the whole practice/agency you were with. Perhaps you were not permitted to tell me...but you know I would not have told anyone....You STINK!!!!!

"Dear" T,

Okay, fine. I will go try out a new T. It might be the best thing for me, but that doesn't mean you saying it over and over after I explicitly told you it hurts doesn't still feel like abandonment.

You'd never let me say this to you, so I have to say it here because I can't not say it.
I'M SORRY
I'm sorry for making your eyes leak, not a lot but still more than me.
I'm sorry that I wasted those last couple of tissues, ripping them to shreds (as I always do when you give me one) when you clearly could have put it to much better use.

I'm sorry I shouted at you when you used THAT word again.

And finally I'm sorry I made you feel like that - obviously you couldn't say or do anything but it was all over your face for half a second (yeah, I actually pay attention sometimes!)
I wish you could tell me exactly how that made you feel, because that tiny expression made me feel like maybe I shouldn't tell you any more. I need to know you are strong enough for this.

Sent from my C6603 using Tapatalk

YT.

I'm feeling very numb...

I'm really fighting the urge to just end it now. You leave at the end of the month anyway...why prolong the inevitable....

Dear T,

I'm embarrassed to say that I really miss you all of a sudden. Kind of sucks since I won't see you till next week. I know I don't really even know you. I know it's not "real".....but I wish it was

We used to have appointments every two to three weeks. But now, I can't even go a week without missing you. That's really surprising. It's been just over 24 hours since I've seen you, and I already miss you. What has happened to me?!?

Dear T,

I haven't listened to anything you said or were trying to teach me. Therapy isn't helping. I am drowning. I don't know if I will rise above it. You can't help me. No one can help me.

Dear T.....I am not sure I am good enough, not good enough to do this life stuff, I don't seem to fit in, I feel like I ma starting to go backwards and I've only had a few short weeks of feeling ok.

All of the bad bits of me, the insecurities, the fear, the worry, the anxiety, the BLAH is all resurfacing........I cried myself to sleep last night, and it seems I will tonight too. Ugh...I am fed up with myself.

Can you please hold my hand tomorrow? I've never asked you or told you that I would like that and I probably never will. I just want someone to hold my hand and let me know it will all be ok. Will it T?

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/528750812473339702/

Dear T I miss you so much. You are the friend I never had I will always miss you. Why did you have to change agencies. We would still be meeting if you hadn't left.
Pin by M Wood on lost luv | Pinterest

Dear T: I started writing a new poem for you recently. I'm stuck after the first 2 lines with this huge lump in my throat every time I go back to it and try to write more. I think when I have finished this poem I will have said goodbye to you. I don't know if I will share it or not. With this most recent bit of work I did that I shared via email, I am feeling a sense of serene finality to our work together that I've never felt before. Even though it comes with a certain sadness, because I will miss talking with you for sure, it feels... right... this time.

I am just truly amazed that you checked in on me several times from your Florida/puerto Rico vaction and made sure I did not feel alone and unsupported. I know it is just my conditioning growing up but I feel like I am not sick enough to deserve such attention and your time. I do not know how you find the mental energy to do what you do.

Dear T.

Day 3 of not texting you. My anger is fading and I am feeling more level headed today
I am annoyed with myself a bit because I cant remember the rest of our conversation after you told me that you wont be so gentle. . I vaguely remember you trying to reassure me, after you had said that you aren't going to be so 'gentle' anymore But I cant remember what the reassurance was. I wish I could remember, or that you'd text me a reminder because not knowing is killing me

T, I am scared. I'm not so sure I want to talk to my parents anymore and that I want to talk with you about trauma. I mean, I only want to talk to you, but I hate feeling like I'm a dirty animal in front of you and I hate you being my secrets' keeper. Please pull me from this filth before it becomes unbearable.

Dear T,

I was surprised today when you offered me to face my fears with you in going out shopping with me, I do have a great fear in crowds and I don't know this will feel pretty weird going shopping with my T.

Dear T,
You have the sexiest laugh I've ever heard.

Dear T,

Just read your email reply and I found the words just slipping out of my mouth "I love her." Just so grateful that we've met. You're awesome. =]

You are my favorite person in the entire world.

Dear T,

I feel like the gods are trying to tell me I should stay with you.

I will consider it.

I would be more than happy to stay if you would give me some small indication that you would be more than happy to keep me.

Main T-

You would get licensed in my state just for ME?????

Just wow. You are amazing. Maybe I don't deserve you.

If I ever doubt that you love me, just hit…me…reaaal…hard